We Program? Try It's a We Life.

The final week of October 08, I moved back to my home town, determined to rebuild my life from the rubble and feeling pretty sure that I would not be able to. Something told me that I had to try, and a louder something told me that I would fail, that I would never amount to anything again, that all the bridges leading to happiness had been destroyed. I drank at those voices. I tried to drown that fear and the feelings that came with it. This approach came close to making my fears self-fulfilling prophecy.

I found a better way, an easier softer way that just looks hard and impossible at first. It's not. And the first part of that better way told me it's ok to say I can't do this, I think there's someone who can make this possible, I need to ask for help and accept it. I learned to ask for help and accept the offered hands of support and lean on God and accept that He blesses me through others. I learned that helping others, giving away what we have learned is how we keep what we've found, so by letting someone help me, I am actually helping them. I learned that to refuse to ask for help and accept help from others is actually a quick way to refuse to let God use me to bless others. I learned all of these things when it comes to recovery. I forget them from time to time, or delay the inevitable request for help a little longer than I should. Learning something doesn't make me like it, and it does take repetition to completely break the finally honed default settings that I reacted with in the past. But I'm learning that lesson more and more. Talk to people and ask and accept help.

I mentioned the first parts of the program of recovery, I can't, someone can, I think I'll let them. It has made my life so much better, and I made it to the final part that tells me now that something amazing has happened with the addictions in my life I need to put the things I learned along the way from I can't until I found solution into practice in every area of my life.

I've tried to do this to, but practicing this particular principle in all my affairs is still so difficult for me. And I'm not sure why. I am sure however that I am recognizing my difficulty and actively trying to do the next right thing and respond with the principles I have learned rather than the instincts of the past.

I think I may have to do a mini inventory soon. I need to take a look at what it is in me that makes me feel so unworthy and makes me want to crawl in a dark place and hide when someone believes in me and wants to help me. Last night, one of the people most important to me listened to my fears and goals for about five minutes and then offered assistance. If I would do this and that then she would....and together we just might be able to help me succeed in an area that I need to make some serious progress in but just can't quite do it on my own. My first instinct was to say, "You don't need to do that. I'll figure something out." But I didn't. I said ok and thank you. I think I may have even said, "Yes, ma'am."

I realize that I have been doing this more and more lately. I am learning that not only is there so much more that I can't do on my own than I like to admit, but that there are some things I just don't want to do on my own anymore. I've been accepting help, support, and input from others, in small ways. I believe that it was the cumulative effect of these small steps that enabled me jump across the gulf between my comfort zone and where I needed to be last night. It's not just a we program...it's a we life, and it was never designed for us to do it on our own.