Seven

"Don't dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer." --Denis Waitley

I needed to read this quote this morning. I have been struggling in this area lately, and it keeps the door open for fear in my life. In many areas, I can successfully let go of what happened without fear and focus on what to do next, but some areas I let go of the event or situation and forget to focus on what needs to be done, and in other areas I can't stop focusing on what went wrong. I need to learn this lesson, because there are negative consequences to both ways I don't keep my focus where it should be.

A prime example of the first way I mess up happened recently. I borrowed my father's truck after mine had been damaged through an act of vandalism. The officer acted professionally and with courtesy as he wrote my ticket for an expired inspection sticker. I should have gone and gotten the vehicle inspected as soon as I borrowed it, but I didn't, and I didn't freak out or dwell on what went wrong either. It's no big deal. All I had to do was get it inspected and pay a $10 dismissal fee in a couple of weeks. I wasn't worried about it. So, when life got hectic, that situation went to the back burner in my brain, and I forgot about it. I stopped thinking about it at all until I got a letter saying I owe $175 and had ten days to appear. May failure to stay focused on the solution of that situation cost me $165 that I do not have. And the fact that I didn't have it helped me to relax as well, because I know they want their money and will let me pay the ticket out. But once more I put off the solution and it's been several days. I no longer even remember how much time I have before I am delinquent. It's not a huge thing, but I need to take care of the ticket. I was wrong, and I need to clean up my side of it. Stalling has only made it worse and threatens to make it even worse than it has become. Because when I had a time cushion to do the next right thing I put it off until I failed to meet the deadline.

On the other hand, I am launching my business once again. This is something I have experience in and talent for. I know I can make a go of it. I just don't know how quickly I can pay the bills as I work to get established. Because of this uncertainty about how to stay afloat in the meantime I am afraid. There is nothing for me to fall back on, and whenever I remember that, which is most moments, I remember that I have nothing to fall back on because of the wreckage of my past. In fact, some of that wreckage is from the demolition of my career itself, what I am trying to rebuild. Therefore I have found myself of late dwelling on what went wrong, how I messed up, and how I have no reserve chute if this one fails to open in time.

Fear. Fear paralyzes me until I finally jump any way I think I can move with little or no regard to the direction I need to go. I get still and then I panic. I am like a rabbit who upon first sensing danger gets still, and then if the threat continues and isn't something I can fight, I bolt at the last second, dashing for perceived safety, even if I'm recrossing a road without looking to see if traffic is coming. Invariably I eventually get struck by a car.

So what do I need to do to keep situations from becoming worse? What do I need to do to keep fear from impairing my judgement? When a situation has an obvious and easy solution with some action I need to take to bring about that solution, I need to do it. I need to change the saying for me from do the next right thing to do the next right thing right now. I need to stop procrastinating. I need to stop needing the deadline to make me work. When I worked for newspapers, I would often wait until the last minute possible to get my work done. Every day there were new deadlines to meet, and I loved that. I always said that I worked better, I wrote better, I shot better with a deadline. The truth is that behavior could be attributed to the chaos junkie aspects of my character. Most things I could do in plenty of time, but how much more exciting and fun was life when I was having to rush and struggle to get it in under the wire. I don't want to live like a chaos junkie anymore. I need to stop pushing deadlines. I need to stop procrastinating.

On the other, the past is done. I can't go back and repair it. I am where God wants me at this moment, doing what He wants me to do. I have to trust that. I have to stop focusing on the negative aspects and allowing fear to become a part of the equation. If I see an area where danger may lie, where there is potential for failure, I need to stop and ask God if I need to go in a different direction or what I need to do to best insure against the possibility. Then I need to immediately follow His guidance.

Basically, my response to both these ways of mishandling bad situations and where things have gone wrong boil down to my needing to let go of my own way of responding. My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen