I am sorely disappointed. The thought that keeps running through my head is that I have ceased fighting anyone and anything. But that doesn't mean that's what I want to do. I recognize that is what's best. In the long run, in the scheme of the eternal, so much that feels critical to me today is unimportant. Knowing this truth helps, but it doesn't mean this approach it easy when I feel slighted or ill done by others, especially those I respect and care about.
So what do I do? Do I sulk or throw a fit over not getting my own way? It is tempting to sulk. To rub my disappoint in the wounds of my pain like salt. Or do I let it go before disappointment turns to anger and resentment? I have to let it go.
There are things that have been said about a dear friend of mine who died recently that angered and upset quite a few of my other friends. I however quickly let that go. It occurred to me within a few seconds that my friend was not afraid of the truth, that he would not have minded what had been said, and that my anger came from fear. Fear that my friend would not get the honor he deserved and fear that my own past would be thrown up once again, never to be escaped, not even in death.
But the truth is those are my issues, not his. He is gone from here and no longer even tempted to be a part of petty squabbles nor concerned over his reputation. And the other truth is that my past will come up again. And again. And again. And if I die a violent death where more than those that know me are curious about who I was, it will likely be a headline somewhere. But fearing that is like being afraid my old car is going to break down after I have already bought a new one. It doesn't need to concern me. I care what those who knew me say about me when I'm gone, the rest of the world doesn't matter. That's how I feel now. Then? Well I won't care at all what people say when there are absolutely no barriers between me and my Creator. So I was able to let that go and understand it and realize it wasn't worth getting upset over. My friend doesn't need me to defend him or protect him or make anything better for him.
Yet what I quickly realized in the above is taking more time and effort in other areas. He is gone from here and no longer tempted to be a part of petty squabbles nor concerned over his reputation....or how he is or isn't honored. He doesn't care one bit if it appears to the world that he didn't rate more or wouldn't be accepted somewhere. He damn sure wouldn't want division or strife over his memory. If logistical problems arise from what happened, I can see him laughing and saying well, that's what they wanted, what they got, and it doesn't really matter does it? You know what I mean? And yeah, I do. So today I will pray not to let my issues get in the way of what's right. I will pray to let go of my right and need to have my own way, and while it is true that my friend and I had spent some time discussing this issue and I know exactly how he felt from his own words, it's more true that it doesn't matter in the eternal what he wanted or how he felt. He wanted peace more than his own way. He wants for nothing now. It's not worth it man, I hear him saying it over and over, and I am trying to listen.
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I was recently in a meeting with a colleague of mine. Among other things, she is a professional counselor but more than that, she is a woman of profound wisdom who has faced incredible odds because of who she is. She is an African American woman in a world that is dominated by white, very patriarchal men. She is an academic administrator who is caring and compassionate in an environment that is belittling, fiercely controlling and shot through with fear. As we discussed a problem that has many facets and upon which several of us had strong and contradictory opinions, she said:
ReplyDelete"You know we all want to be right. We are all convinced that our positions are the only correct answer to the problem. Being RIGHT is not the problem. What matters is "What do I DO with my rightness?"
Her comment struck me as being profoundly correct. The problem is not that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I'm right. What matters is -- do I use my rightness to club my opponents? Do I critize them and gossip about them? Do I hold on to the idea that they are just stupid because they don't agree with me? Am I convinced that their refusal to recognize my "rightness" is just born of an obtuse and ignorant attempt to attack me personally?
I believe that what I do with my rightness goes right to the core of my nature. When I misuse my rightness, I have behaved in a way that seperates myself from the most important Power in my life. My rightness immediately triggers my character defects and separates me from my fellows. It can take away my compassion and it can certainly put ME back in control in a life that runs riot without my "Decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power."
In short, my colleague, in a single sentence taught me that "rightness" can be a dangerous thing!
Yeah, this would be one of the reasons your my spiritual advisor. :)
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