It's the Important Things I Can't Fight Over

I may have placed myself in a situation that is not a safe place for me. It's ok, as long as I realize where the dangers are and what I need to do to keep myself safe and working my program of recovery. I volunteered to help in the planning of a memorial service. Memorial services have some things in common with weddings. They are a major marker in a person's life (yes, death is part of life), everyone thinks they know how it should best be done, and all too often, the desires and wishes of the person it's about are pushed aside or ignored because of what others want or feel would be better, more appropriate, etc. I've seen many a bride's dream wedding become a nightmare as her mother or another family member took over, and it wasn't until I did my fifth step that I was able to forgive my grandmother for not playing the song my grandfather wanted played at his funeral.

Everyone has opinions about how such an event needs to be done. What needs to take place at a memorial service is more often to fit the needs of those left behind than it has anything to do with what the dearly departed wanted, and let's face it, they don't need anything. And that's what I need to remember. This is not about me. And my friend doesn't need anything. He doesn't care if he gets his way or if his memorial service is anything like what he imagined when he was alive. This is about friends and family being able to say goodbye and honor a man who is loved by us and will be sorely missed. And nothing that may or may not come up in the planning of this event is worth fighting over.

It's just not. It doesn't matter to my friend, as he's beyond such pettiness, and it will only matter to those of us left behind if we let it. I can't control anyone else's reactions. I don't know if one of my friends might resent for years if what they feel is a necessary part of the plan is not carried out. I know what that kind of resentment felt like to me in regards to my grandfather's funeral, and I would not wish those emotions and that pain on a friend. I can however control my own reactions. I can cease to fight anyone or anything. I can remember that this is for the survivors and how my friend would have thought or felt about the situation is less important today than what his family and friends need. I can remember that this isn't about me, and that someone disagreeing with me or rejecting my ideas is not a statement about my relationship with my friend. No one is saying that I wasn't close to him, that I wouldn't know what he wanted. And I can choose whether to take things that way or not. I'd rather not.

I hope that I can remember all this tonight. Then I can be a part of a peaceful process of planning a service to pay respects to a dear dear friend and give glory to the God that made his final months such an amazing thing to be a part of and such an awesome testimony to the ability to and power of recovery.