The Secret Of Joy

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~ Vincent Van Gogh

My first thought when I read the above quote was "well, that's easy for him to say, he was Vincent Van Gogh! Seriously isn't that somewhat like a bird saying if you hear a voice saying you can't fly, fly and that voice will be silenced?" But then I realized something. Unless a bird has been wounded or is sick, it never occurs to him that he can not fly once he has flown. Van Gogh on the other hand was not a bird. He was a man, just like me. Not every painting he did was a masterpiece. We have no way to know how many pieces he threw away or burned in disgust that he could not produce what he saw within his mind. How many times did he stare at a blank canvas and have nothing come to mind to paint and wonder if his gift had fled him? How many times did he compare his work to the great masters of the past and feel he did not measure up and that he was a fraud because he could not or did not do what they had done in the way that they did it? I do not doubt that Vincent Van Gogh had his moments of doubt, moments where he heard the voice say you can not paint.

I have gifts and talents of my own. I have dreams. I have things that I would like to be able to do. And all too often I have that same voice that says I can't. Or even worse, the voice says go ahead and do it, but it won't be long before the whole world sees that you can't do it well. I believe those voices are part of the human makeup. We all have them. The thing that makes a difference between one person and the next, between success in my life and failure, between contentment and fear, is how these voices are responded to. I can paint and silence the voice, not caring if I am ever a master painter or if anyone besides myself enjoys my painting but finding contentment in doing something I love and want to do, or I can heed the warnings of the voices and not try. I can give up on my dreams, I can slip into relationships and careers and activities that are unfulfilling, meaningless and empty. I can be miserable.

There was a time when the latter of those options is exactly what I would have and did choose more often than not. Then when the pain and emptiness overwhelmed me I did anything and everything I could to kill it and change the way I felt, except simply paint. I drank. I drugged. I searched for the instant miracle. But I did not try. Today, I find that my life is better when I paint, even if only to enjoy painting. It doesn't matter if the result is nothing praiseworthy. I can throw the canvas away when I am done and start again. If I do this over and over, I may get better and start producing art worth looking at. Or I may not. The point is not I can someday learn to be a master painter. The point is rather that I learn to enjoy the moment. I spend time doing something that I love and enjoy.

It has been said that it is the journey and not the destination that matters. Of course the destination matters, but the point is well made. I am who God created me to be, and the gifts and callings on my life were placed there by Him. I can never be happy, joyous and free, I will never be content, until I surrender and accept myself as He made me. If I am filled with a drive to paint, then I am painter and will not be content without that in my life. I don't have to be Van Gogh. I don't have to be world renown. I simply have to paint and the voice will be silenced. Today I realize that life would be more fulfilling and satisfying to be a painter who loves to paint and enjoys the act while producing nothing of worldly value than to be a musician who paints the best and most sought after pieces in the world. But don't take my word for it. Ask a child who grabs a crayon and scribbles across the pages of a coloring book in all the wrong places and with all the wrong colors. They have lived during that moment of coloring. They know joy and peace with themselves and what they are doing. It is not until years later, after the the damage of living in this world and surrendering to the values and opinions of others that they lose the pleasure in that and decide if they can not do better they won't color at all. Is it growing up, or is it losing the secret of joy?

A Work Of Art

I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free. --Michelangelo

I love this quote from Michelangelo, and I have for years. It always struck me as the best description of what it means to be an artist. I often rated myself as an artist based on this question, can I and do I see what is hidden in plain view and somehow find a way to bring it out. As a photographer and digital artist I feel it is even more true that I do not create anything but rather somehow find a way to show and share what image God showed me.

Yet I realize that I have been the least like an artist, the least true to this quote with the one thing God has given me to see more than anything else, myself. Throughout my life others have seen an angel under the dirt on the surface of my life. How many times have I had to sit and listen to a teacher tell my parents about my great potential that I am wasting? How many times I have received praise for some ability or gift? And how many times have I disagreed? I always seem ready to accept the dirt on the surface and believe that not only is that all that I am but that it is all that I can be? I failed to see the angel buried in the marble and therefore have no drive or ability to carve it out.

Recovery and a better relationship with God are starting to change that, slowly. I still can't often see these things worth looking at in who I am, but I am more ready to believe that God does. I am starting to get a vague idea of the image below the surface. Finally I am beginning to act like an artist in my own life by yearning to see what isn't obvious, aching to see the potential. Today I ask God to show me more glimpses of the sculpture He wants made with my life. I ask that He guide me through the steps that I need to take to see the stone carved away to reveal said image. More often than not what is needed is my submission to His carving. Because while I believe it is true that my life can be a work of art, and I know that action is required on my part (even surrender is an action verb), the truth is that when the work is done it won't be my accomplishment. In this case God is the artist who can see the angel in the marble, and I'm just the sculpture that others can see His work and give Him glory for his artistry. Maybe not yet, because the work's not finished yet, but progress is being made. I am grateful that I am finally beginning to see it for myself. Seeing the image begin to emerge where I saw no image before encourages me to let the Master Artist continue His sculpting.

I Need To Get Out Of My Way

The biggest obstacle I have to overcome to achieve my goals and reach my dreams has nothing to do with the wreckage of my past, the state of the economy or any other situation that seems stacked against me. The simple truth is that the thing that is most in my way is myself. How I react to the situations in my life, including my past, how I let my fears and ignorance of how to accomplish what I need to overwhelm me and slow me down are far more a problem than anything outside myself. My selfishness, self-centeredness and active practicing of character defects all get in the way of my doing the next right thing well enough to see the fruits I so desire in my life. But while the biggest obstacle is me, the answer lies with me as well. If I do not let myself get in my own way, if I continue to do the next right thing even when I do not want to, if I stay surrendered to my Higher Power and allow Him to do to me, through me and for me the things He wants to do, then there is nothing that I need to accomplish that will be impossible for me to do so.

Plankeye

On the subject of how to treat others there are three Biblical scriptures that come up quite often, even among people who do not believe or follow Christian teachings. I, who do use the scriptures as a blueprint for life, also bring these three to mind when trying to control my reactions to others. They are "judge not lest you be judged," love your neighbor as yourself," and "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

The first and last one of these three scriptures are ones I have used more in anger and defense than not. When I feel someone judging me it is easy to throw these passages up not only as a shield but as a weapon, especially when I know that the person in question holds Christian beliefs. It even gives me the opportunity to smugly slip into pride, feel superior to the other person and call them a hypocrite. How dare they judge me? How dare they do to me what I have done to so many others? They are hypocrites. I just struggle in acting like I know I should and fall short of perfection from time to time, but if this person doesn't show perfection in their beliefs they are hypocrites. What a load.

Using these admonitions as I have does not fulfill my obligations for the other. It is certainly not a way to love my neighbor as myself. So if they are spiritual truths and truth is something that I can and should use as a spiritual tool in my life regardless of the source, then how should I be using them? To remind myself to give others the same breaks, mercy and leeway that I desire. I need to use these passages and anything else that I can remember to keep my own attitude one of love and tolerance.

One thing I can't allow myself to do though is use them as an excuse to separate myself from others and not to help and serve and also not to protect myself. I can not use judge not lest you be judged, or along those lines "don't take someone else's inventory," as an excuse not to be careful about who I trust and allow influence in my life. I can not be so afraid of having the fruit in my life examined that I don't look at the fruit in someone else's life before I let them plant seeds in my mind, heart or soul. I can not let the truth that I am only learning to really love myself be an excuse not to love others. And I can not sit back and do nothing to help others get the plank out of their eye simply because I have not gotten it all out of my own.

Instead I need to take care to bear the fruit in my own life that will stand examination and judge carefully who I let plant seeds in my life while at the same time refuse to be critical and harsh towards those that I need to guard myself against. They are still sick and need compassion not criticism. I need to continue to learn to love myself in the proper way, realizing I have value to God and treating myself as though I do, and then treating others I come in contact with, my neighbor, as though they also are of value. And finally, I need to remember that no one could help me with the plank in my eye nearly as much as those who have experienced that same pain and blindness. While I can not attack someone for displaying character defects that I myself have shown, and still show, I can and should use that similarity of affliction as a reason to reach out and help. I can be honest enough to say I have this same problem and this is how I turned the plank into a sliver. I've been where you are and I know that there is a solution that works because I have seen it work in my life. I am not perfect, I still have plankeye in some areas, but in so much of my life God has whittled the plank down to a speck. He can do the same for you. I know this because I know it works if you work it.

Sick

It's difficult for me to think today. I find that when I am physically ill it becomes increasingly harder to get my thoughts off myself. And not only do I focus more on myself but I focus almost entirely on how I feel and my situation. This isn't a very good thing. Selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my problem. It is natural to be more self-centered when ill, but I have to fight it. I can not allow my sickness to be an excuse to wallow in self-pity or become self-centered. For one thing, I can quickly become too comfortable in that state of being. Secondly, if I allow exceptions for illness how long before I begin allowing exceptions for other things, such as hurt feelings and situations not going my way? I have to push through my feelings and gain that conscious contact with God. I also have to realize that when I am weakened physically I am also affected spiritually, mentally and emotionally. This means I am more vulnerable to fall out of using the tools I have been given and to slip back into old reaction patterns. I have to take care of myself. That in itself is an interesting proposition. I must take care of myself more to insure I don't become more self-centered and focused. So how can I accomplish the one without feeding the other? I need to take care of myself by seeking time with my Higher Power. I need to take care of myself by resting so that my body can recover. And I need to take care of myself by listening to current and temporary limitations and not pushing myself to perform and be at the levels I am when I am well. So today I am going to spend a little extra time in meditation, take some medicine and copious amounts of vitamin C, rest and experiment with the theory that staying well spiritually and working on improving ,my spiritual condition may actually improve my physical condition more quickly.

What A Difference

If I look at my past and the damage I have done in so many areas over the years, it is easy to see that I do not deserve the life I have today. I am richly blessed. There was a time when seeing and or feeling how little I deserved one particular good thing in my life or another would have started a chain reaction within me that would lead to me doing something to push that good thing out of my life or destroy it. I never wanted all the destruction and negative results to manifest, but I felt comfortable with them. I felt I deserved them. When I didn't feel I deserved the love and good in my life I didn't trust it, couldn't trust it. Today I understand what is so amazing about grace. How special it is to have an undeserved second chance. I don't have to push that away or protect myself from it. I treasure it and guard it.

It is true that if you have never tasted the bitter then you can not truly appreciate the sweet. Today I want to appreciate the sweet instead of expecting it to turn bitter because I have tasted that so often.

Which Way Will I Go?

The morning is somewhat gray and blah, but the time is good. It's mornings like this that I realize I have a choice that effects the rest of my day. Nothing has happened to thrust me into a good mood or make me feel that the day is going to be wonderful. There have even been a couple of set backs already. But the truth is I have a choice. I can enjoy my time with my Creator, I can focus on the birds singing more than the gray skies, I look forward to the opportunities that I have in my life today rather than fear all the things that can go wrong. Some days, I am blessed and it's easy to go with the flow and have a good day, full of joy in doing the next right thing. Other days, I have to fight negative circumstances and attitudes. But some days could go either way. Before recovery, most days that could've gone either way went to the negative. It was easy to focus on the negative and all the things that could've gone wrong and then escape from the feelings I fed myself. Today, I choose a better way. I choose to let God guide me and make today good. I I choose to see and appreciate all the things I have to be grateful for.

First Steps

I feel a little like a child who has pulled himself to a standing position using a table leg and is now wobbling, trying to balance, looking at the huge distance of the room and wondering if indeed he can truly walk across. There is a part of me that worries that I may have started this walking thing too early. Was I really ready for this great attempt? Will I be good enough quickly enough? How bad will it hurt when I fall? All these questions and fears swirl in my head as my balance point shifts. But I must trust that I was meant not only to walk but to run. I have to let the desire to be on the other side of the room drive me to try. I have to trust that if I fall, the damage won't be too bad, and it doesn't have to stop me. I may want to run to success, I feel that need, but i can't wait on the ability to run. If all I can do is take two steps before my butt hits the floor, that's ok. If all I can do after that is crawl, then I must start crawling. Even crawling, I will eventually get where I need to go. The important thing is to try, to keep trying, and to keep moving forward.

Building Blocks

Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. ~Nido Qubein


This is an important truth for me to remember, because it is essential of for me to apply this to my life in two ways. What I do at each moment determines what future is built out of my present. How I react to the situations in my life does far more to guide the path of my life than the circumstances, situations and people I am responding to. So I must remember that no matter what is going on in my life and around me, there is never a time when doing the next right thing is not the best possible option. There is no meaningless or insignificant choice where it's ok to blow off right. Because no matter how small the brick is that I place in the construction of my life today, everything that follows my must rest on that foundation. When I choose the wrong or a faulty thing today, my future is weakened, and there will come a point where I will have to try to go back in, tear out the weakened materials, and repair the damage, or there will be a collapse. How much easier and better it is when I choose to build my life with the right materials today so that repairs are not necessary.

The other thing I have to remember is that two states are considered here. The present, my circumstances and what's going on in my life now, and the future, where I will go. The past is not a part of the equation. There is nowhere that I need to go with my life that God can't open the path and allow me to get there, regardless of my past, if I do the next right thing, allow Him to direct my steps, and go and do where and what He wants me to today. Beating myself up with regret and using my past as an excuse not to build today are sure ways to screw up the possibilities for my future. My present circumstances, which are in part a result of my past just as my future circumstances will be effected by my present, determine where I start, not started. What I did yesterday only matters in as much as I need to evaluate if tear downs and rebuilding are necessary. Even if they are, it's what I do to effect those repairs today that matters, not that the repairs need to be made or even why. Everything in my past and freeing myself from its bonds, my present and the overwhelming nature of all I need to do, and the future with its worries and uncertainties are all subjected to what I do right at the moment of the present. When I do what's right for me, when God is the director, then nothing in my past, my present circumstances, or my future obstacles can keep me from building exactly what I am supposed to build in and of my life.

So Life Isn't Fair, So What?

"The secret of happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their
troubles." --Unknown


The above quote is truth But when I am in a mood to be miserable, I can ignore that truth and knock it as bogus positive thinking. "That's stupid," I can say to myself. "After all, if I have a flat tire and it's pouring down rain on me as I change it, what on earth is there to be happy about? Count my blessings? Please." Well, yes, because it's not about the power of positive thinking but something that sounds as silly, an attitude of gratitude. In the above situation, how much different would I truly feel right at that moment if I remembered and was grateful for the fact that I hadn't had to make the entire journey on foot in the rain, that I had a car that ran, gratitude for having a spare tire that had air in it, gratitude that my father taught me how to change a tire, gratitude for the jack, etc. I'm not talking about putting on rose colored glasses and tricking myself into believing that everything is ok or good, but rather understanding that there are blessings in my life that enable me to hope, that help me to handle even bad situations better than I once could, that keep the weight balanced and more bearable so that I am not crushed, and for this I should be grateful. If I find that gratitude, I can not help but be happy, or at least have joy, which is better, even in the midst of the hurricane that's blowing my life apart.

Yesterday, I forgot this and myself. What I mean when I write that I forgot myself is that I forgot who I am today and began acting like who I was, specifically the who I was around elementary age. I stomped my metaphorical feet and threw my little fist against the ground so angry I couldn't keep from crying, all the while screaming it's not right and it's not fair! Such a display is ugly and uncomfortable to watch when a five your old does it. It's much worse when the tantrum thrower is nearly is an adult. I felt like a baseball player who made a base running error in the fourth inning that resulted in being called out who discovered that everything thrown his way the rest of the game was now being called a strike no matter how far out of the strike zone the pitch was. That's not right. That's not fair. I already paid for the error. I was called out. Each time at the plate is supposed to be a fresh and new opportunity. But that's baseball, and not life, and while it's true that there are things that happen in every sporting event that aren't fair or how it's supposed to be according to the rules, life is even more filled with such. Life isn't fair, and much that happens in the world we live in isn't right or just.

I can't change that. I can't change one thing about what I found so wrong yesterday, not by running away and not by fighting. When it won't help to fight, and flight isn't possible, what is left besides victimization? Poor me, I become the victim once again. That's the only answer. Wrong. What is left doesn't have to be victimization. The better option is surrender, not to the situation or to the opposition but to the umpire of the game.

If I surrender and accept the situation for what it is and see the truth about what it does and doesn't say about my life and who I am, then I can see once more the blessings in my life that make the difference. I am blessed today that I am not the person this unfairness is aimed at, even if I have gotten caught up in the same net. I have friends and family who the truth of who I am and accept me, I have more love in my life than I deserve (something that also isn't fair but I don't complain when unfairness works in my favor), despite how much the situation effects my life and the hoops it causes me to jump through, it truly could be so much worse than it is, and yes, it is a blessing that things aren't worse. There is some truth to the power of perceiving life with a Pollyanna attitude.

I'm not sure where trying to see the positive became so despised and silly. It works, when the goal is not to change the situation but rather to change my attitude about the situation that I have accepted. I really can't be hateful and grateful at the same time, and if I will simply stop throwing a fight and crying fowl, I can see so many blessings in my life and so many times when I received mercy and blessing that I didn't deserve. The truth is that I don't want life to be fair. If life were fair I wouldn't be free if I were alive. I wouldn't be sitting on the front porch next to the one I love typing this into a computer I own and listening to the birds sing. I have rarely experienced fair. Most of the time I wouldn't want to, because I prefer mercy. With all the mistakes I have made in my life, mercy is my only hope. But if I am going to be so quick to accept mercy and ask for it in my own life, I must be as quick to give it to others when the unfairness doesn't go my way. I can't show mercy to others unless I can see it working in my own life. I can only see it in my own life when I look for and become grateful for the blessings I have that I never earned. With mercy and gratitude come joy and happiness, even though nothing outside me has changed one bit.

But to see the blessings, I also have to keep my yard clean. I can't be grateful for the grass if my lawn is covered in trash. So I have to do make my wrongs right. This is not a fun proposition. There is nothing fun about having to go to a 19 year-old friend and say I was wrong, and I had no right to take my hurt and anger out on you. What can I do to make it right? What can I do to help repair the damage to your heart and soul that I caused when I struck out in reaction to my wounds. I can't afford to say it's ok, life isn't fair when I have done something that brings the pain of unfairness into someone else's life. If I didn't deserve the pain I felt, then no one I care about deserves me to then dump and transfer that pain onto them. I couldn't be happy, not even counting my blessings, until I repaired the damage I had done. The ability to see where I have wronged others as I hate being wronged, the wisdom to know what to do to about it, and the courage to make things right are three of the biggest blessings in my life today. I can't see the rest if I won't take advantage of these.

Learning From Intolerance

Why is it that even after working the program of recovery I still make so much that's not about me....well, about me? Why is it that when someone trashes something or someone I really love, respect, admire, emulate, etc. I take it like it's a personal statement about me, when it really doesn't have anything to do with me? I even feel this way sometimes when the person doing the criticizing of the one admired is the same person that I admire. No one is more critical of me than me, and I expect people who care about me to be ok with that sometimes. And yet, I'm not ok with it when someone I care about beats themselves up. Dare I say that once again what I am least tolerant of in others is where I have the most issues of my own? Could it be that the reason it bugs me so much when I see someone else doing the same thing I do that the reason it bothers me is I know it isn't right for me to do it either? How can I still be so self-centered that I make someone else's struggles and pain be about me and my issues? I guess it's a sign of improvement or progress that I can even see this tendency in myself today. I need to work on this and submit myself to the Potter to be remolded when it comes to self-fladulation. Why is it that the more progress I seem to make the further it appears that I have to go?

Deep Breath....JUMP!!

I shall leap! No matter what is ahead, God is there to catch me. --Shelley

Sometimes I can know that I am doing what God wants me to do, that I am doing the next right thing, that I am on the right path, and still not know exactly what's going to happen or how everything is going to turn out. That's when going ahead with what I know to do becomes a leap of faith for me. I like to know exactly what will happen. If I do this, then that will be the result. I like to know all the curves in the road before I go flying down it. It feels safer to know what to expect. But that's not always possible, and I have to remember that when God says, "It's Ok, I got you, just let go," I can trust that. Just like when I was a little boy and had climbed higher in a tree than I felt comfortable jumping from and my dad said jump, I'll catch you. I was afraid, but I jumped. And Dad caught me just like he said he would. I can relax and release my fears and worry when I remember that my Heavenly Father is much more faithful and able than my earthly father who I trust. Leaping....Images by Dalyn

Seven

"Don't dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer." --Denis Waitley

I needed to read this quote this morning. I have been struggling in this area lately, and it keeps the door open for fear in my life. In many areas, I can successfully let go of what happened without fear and focus on what to do next, but some areas I let go of the event or situation and forget to focus on what needs to be done, and in other areas I can't stop focusing on what went wrong. I need to learn this lesson, because there are negative consequences to both ways I don't keep my focus where it should be.

A prime example of the first way I mess up happened recently. I borrowed my father's truck after mine had been damaged through an act of vandalism. The officer acted professionally and with courtesy as he wrote my ticket for an expired inspection sticker. I should have gone and gotten the vehicle inspected as soon as I borrowed it, but I didn't, and I didn't freak out or dwell on what went wrong either. It's no big deal. All I had to do was get it inspected and pay a $10 dismissal fee in a couple of weeks. I wasn't worried about it. So, when life got hectic, that situation went to the back burner in my brain, and I forgot about it. I stopped thinking about it at all until I got a letter saying I owe $175 and had ten days to appear. May failure to stay focused on the solution of that situation cost me $165 that I do not have. And the fact that I didn't have it helped me to relax as well, because I know they want their money and will let me pay the ticket out. But once more I put off the solution and it's been several days. I no longer even remember how much time I have before I am delinquent. It's not a huge thing, but I need to take care of the ticket. I was wrong, and I need to clean up my side of it. Stalling has only made it worse and threatens to make it even worse than it has become. Because when I had a time cushion to do the next right thing I put it off until I failed to meet the deadline.

On the other hand, I am launching my business once again. This is something I have experience in and talent for. I know I can make a go of it. I just don't know how quickly I can pay the bills as I work to get established. Because of this uncertainty about how to stay afloat in the meantime I am afraid. There is nothing for me to fall back on, and whenever I remember that, which is most moments, I remember that I have nothing to fall back on because of the wreckage of my past. In fact, some of that wreckage is from the demolition of my career itself, what I am trying to rebuild. Therefore I have found myself of late dwelling on what went wrong, how I messed up, and how I have no reserve chute if this one fails to open in time.

Fear. Fear paralyzes me until I finally jump any way I think I can move with little or no regard to the direction I need to go. I get still and then I panic. I am like a rabbit who upon first sensing danger gets still, and then if the threat continues and isn't something I can fight, I bolt at the last second, dashing for perceived safety, even if I'm recrossing a road without looking to see if traffic is coming. Invariably I eventually get struck by a car.

So what do I need to do to keep situations from becoming worse? What do I need to do to keep fear from impairing my judgement? When a situation has an obvious and easy solution with some action I need to take to bring about that solution, I need to do it. I need to change the saying for me from do the next right thing to do the next right thing right now. I need to stop procrastinating. I need to stop needing the deadline to make me work. When I worked for newspapers, I would often wait until the last minute possible to get my work done. Every day there were new deadlines to meet, and I loved that. I always said that I worked better, I wrote better, I shot better with a deadline. The truth is that behavior could be attributed to the chaos junkie aspects of my character. Most things I could do in plenty of time, but how much more exciting and fun was life when I was having to rush and struggle to get it in under the wire. I don't want to live like a chaos junkie anymore. I need to stop pushing deadlines. I need to stop procrastinating.

On the other, the past is done. I can't go back and repair it. I am where God wants me at this moment, doing what He wants me to do. I have to trust that. I have to stop focusing on the negative aspects and allowing fear to become a part of the equation. If I see an area where danger may lie, where there is potential for failure, I need to stop and ask God if I need to go in a different direction or what I need to do to best insure against the possibility. Then I need to immediately follow His guidance.

Basically, my response to both these ways of mishandling bad situations and where things have gone wrong boil down to my needing to let go of my own way of responding. My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen

We Program? Try It's a We Life.

The final week of October 08, I moved back to my home town, determined to rebuild my life from the rubble and feeling pretty sure that I would not be able to. Something told me that I had to try, and a louder something told me that I would fail, that I would never amount to anything again, that all the bridges leading to happiness had been destroyed. I drank at those voices. I tried to drown that fear and the feelings that came with it. This approach came close to making my fears self-fulfilling prophecy.

I found a better way, an easier softer way that just looks hard and impossible at first. It's not. And the first part of that better way told me it's ok to say I can't do this, I think there's someone who can make this possible, I need to ask for help and accept it. I learned to ask for help and accept the offered hands of support and lean on God and accept that He blesses me through others. I learned that helping others, giving away what we have learned is how we keep what we've found, so by letting someone help me, I am actually helping them. I learned that to refuse to ask for help and accept help from others is actually a quick way to refuse to let God use me to bless others. I learned all of these things when it comes to recovery. I forget them from time to time, or delay the inevitable request for help a little longer than I should. Learning something doesn't make me like it, and it does take repetition to completely break the finally honed default settings that I reacted with in the past. But I'm learning that lesson more and more. Talk to people and ask and accept help.

I mentioned the first parts of the program of recovery, I can't, someone can, I think I'll let them. It has made my life so much better, and I made it to the final part that tells me now that something amazing has happened with the addictions in my life I need to put the things I learned along the way from I can't until I found solution into practice in every area of my life.

I've tried to do this to, but practicing this particular principle in all my affairs is still so difficult for me. And I'm not sure why. I am sure however that I am recognizing my difficulty and actively trying to do the next right thing and respond with the principles I have learned rather than the instincts of the past.

I think I may have to do a mini inventory soon. I need to take a look at what it is in me that makes me feel so unworthy and makes me want to crawl in a dark place and hide when someone believes in me and wants to help me. Last night, one of the people most important to me listened to my fears and goals for about five minutes and then offered assistance. If I would do this and that then she would....and together we just might be able to help me succeed in an area that I need to make some serious progress in but just can't quite do it on my own. My first instinct was to say, "You don't need to do that. I'll figure something out." But I didn't. I said ok and thank you. I think I may have even said, "Yes, ma'am."

I realize that I have been doing this more and more lately. I am learning that not only is there so much more that I can't do on my own than I like to admit, but that there are some things I just don't want to do on my own anymore. I've been accepting help, support, and input from others, in small ways. I believe that it was the cumulative effect of these small steps that enabled me jump across the gulf between my comfort zone and where I needed to be last night. It's not just a we program...it's a we life, and it was never designed for us to do it on our own.

It's the Important Things I Can't Fight Over

I may have placed myself in a situation that is not a safe place for me. It's ok, as long as I realize where the dangers are and what I need to do to keep myself safe and working my program of recovery. I volunteered to help in the planning of a memorial service. Memorial services have some things in common with weddings. They are a major marker in a person's life (yes, death is part of life), everyone thinks they know how it should best be done, and all too often, the desires and wishes of the person it's about are pushed aside or ignored because of what others want or feel would be better, more appropriate, etc. I've seen many a bride's dream wedding become a nightmare as her mother or another family member took over, and it wasn't until I did my fifth step that I was able to forgive my grandmother for not playing the song my grandfather wanted played at his funeral.

Everyone has opinions about how such an event needs to be done. What needs to take place at a memorial service is more often to fit the needs of those left behind than it has anything to do with what the dearly departed wanted, and let's face it, they don't need anything. And that's what I need to remember. This is not about me. And my friend doesn't need anything. He doesn't care if he gets his way or if his memorial service is anything like what he imagined when he was alive. This is about friends and family being able to say goodbye and honor a man who is loved by us and will be sorely missed. And nothing that may or may not come up in the planning of this event is worth fighting over.

It's just not. It doesn't matter to my friend, as he's beyond such pettiness, and it will only matter to those of us left behind if we let it. I can't control anyone else's reactions. I don't know if one of my friends might resent for years if what they feel is a necessary part of the plan is not carried out. I know what that kind of resentment felt like to me in regards to my grandfather's funeral, and I would not wish those emotions and that pain on a friend. I can however control my own reactions. I can cease to fight anyone or anything. I can remember that this is for the survivors and how my friend would have thought or felt about the situation is less important today than what his family and friends need. I can remember that this isn't about me, and that someone disagreeing with me or rejecting my ideas is not a statement about my relationship with my friend. No one is saying that I wasn't close to him, that I wouldn't know what he wanted. And I can choose whether to take things that way or not. I'd rather not.

I hope that I can remember all this tonight. Then I can be a part of a peaceful process of planning a service to pay respects to a dear dear friend and give glory to the God that made his final months such an amazing thing to be a part of and such an awesome testimony to the ability to and power of recovery.

Amazing Grace

I woke this morning with a headache. How wonderful it felt to know that with a little caffeine and time for my sinuses to clear a little the headache would be gone. It's so amazing to me how these days the rare occurrence of waking with a headache is not punishment for putting my body through what it was never designed to endure. The pain centers behind one eye and doesn't flow over and through my entire body seeping into the depths of my soul like it used to. Today I am blessed. The soul pain that once tortured me and drove me to self-destruction has been replaced. I don't know why I am one of the lucky ones who got this chance. I know I didn't do anything to deserve having a decent place to live, the ability to do something I love in work, the love of family, good friends, and that special someone who completes my picture so beautifully. I most certainly don't deserve a relationship with my Creator. No, I don't deserve any of these things, but I have been given them anyway. That blows me away on mornings like this. I used to ask what's so amazing about grace. It seemed the enemy that kept me going with just enough strength to keep me conscious as I was beaten about by the world. But now I see grace as the miracle that provides me with the opportunity for a life worth living. I am grateful for the grace I have in my life today.

Where Will I Live?

I climbed out of bed a little while ago and didn't think about much of anything as I poured a cup of coffee and grabbed what I needed for my morning meditation. But by the time I sat down in my chair on the front porch, I was thinking about everything. I didn't wait long before I began spinning my wheels and making my lists, I need to get this done today, I need to get that done today, I need to help do this, I want to do that, and so on until I felt the weight of a day that had not yet gotten out of the starting blocks begin to crush me down.

What utter foolishness. No matter how much I have or want to do today, I can only do one thing at a time. I can multitask some things, but the fact is that at any one moment I can only concentrate and focus on one thing an instant. If I am focusing on the future, even just a few hours ahead, I can not ever truly concentrate on the present. And that means I am not fully experiencing this moment that God has given me.

I put the distractions of the hours to come away and set my mind to the now need of spending time with my Creator. After all, I can not do anything else that I need to do or want to do with the right attitude, reacting the right way (or not reacting at all), I can not know which direction to turn or what priority and time should be placed on what demand for my time in a way that can be safely trusted if I am not connected to the Safely Trusted One.

I pushed the other aside and made my opening prayers. Then I sat for a moment. It suddenly occurred to me that the temperature felt quite nice this morning. I noticed that birds were singing a beautiful song and had been. The squirrels and the cats are playing and teasing each other in the yard, the love God has given me is sitting beside me, and life in this moment is good. But to see that I had to get into this moment. I always exist in the now, but where I live is often a different matter. But in order to enjoy life, I must experience it, and in order to experience life I must be where it is mentally, spiritually and emotionally as well as physically. Life exists in one place and one place only. In one instant. There is no life in the past. The past is dead. There is no life yet in what is to come. But in the very essence of the moment, in now, is every heartbeat of life. I will try today to keep this in mind and enjoy each moment, do what I need to be doing at the moment I need to be doing it, and do enough next right things that the future doesn't catch me by surprise but also doesn't rob me of living in the present.

The Struggle Not To Fight

I am sorely disappointed. The thought that keeps running through my head is that I have ceased fighting anyone and anything. But that doesn't mean that's what I want to do. I recognize that is what's best. In the long run, in the scheme of the eternal, so much that feels critical to me today is unimportant. Knowing this truth helps, but it doesn't mean this approach it easy when I feel slighted or ill done by others, especially those I respect and care about.

So what do I do? Do I sulk or throw a fit over not getting my own way? It is tempting to sulk. To rub my disappoint in the wounds of my pain like salt. Or do I let it go before disappointment turns to anger and resentment? I have to let it go.

There are things that have been said about a dear friend of mine who died recently that angered and upset quite a few of my other friends. I however quickly let that go. It occurred to me within a few seconds that my friend was not afraid of the truth, that he would not have minded what had been said, and that my anger came from fear. Fear that my friend would not get the honor he deserved and fear that my own past would be thrown up once again, never to be escaped, not even in death.

But the truth is those are my issues, not his. He is gone from here and no longer even tempted to be a part of petty squabbles nor concerned over his reputation. And the other truth is that my past will come up again. And again. And again. And if I die a violent death where more than those that know me are curious about who I was, it will likely be a headline somewhere. But fearing that is like being afraid my old car is going to break down after I have already bought a new one. It doesn't need to concern me. I care what those who knew me say about me when I'm gone, the rest of the world doesn't matter. That's how I feel now. Then? Well I won't care at all what people say when there are absolutely no barriers between me and my Creator. So I was able to let that go and understand it and realize it wasn't worth getting upset over. My friend doesn't need me to defend him or protect him or make anything better for him.

Yet what I quickly realized in the above is taking more time and effort in other areas. He is gone from here and no longer tempted to be a part of petty squabbles nor concerned over his reputation....or how he is or isn't honored. He doesn't care one bit if it appears to the world that he didn't rate more or wouldn't be accepted somewhere. He damn sure wouldn't want division or strife over his memory. If logistical problems arise from what happened, I can see him laughing and saying well, that's what they wanted, what they got, and it doesn't really matter does it? You know what I mean? And yeah, I do. So today I will pray not to let my issues get in the way of what's right. I will pray to let go of my right and need to have my own way, and while it is true that my friend and I had spent some time discussing this issue and I know exactly how he felt from his own words, it's more true that it doesn't matter in the eternal what he wanted or how he felt. He wanted peace more than his own way. He wants for nothing now. It's not worth it man, I hear him saying it over and over, and I am trying to listen.

What a Ride

I feel like I've been strapped into an emotional roller coaster and taken for quite a ride lately, and yet I don't remember ever feeling so grounded and safe. I hate feeling out of control and overwhelmed by chaos, but I always loved roller coasters. When I was younger, coasters excited me, and riding them was one of the few times that I truly trusted a power greater than myself totally and completely. The truth is that control is an illusion and I don't have it anyway, but coasters press that truth straight to the core of who I am while at the same time reminding me that while I don't have control something else does. It may be scary, and it may feel like there's no telling what's going to happen, but the truth is that the ability of the designers put certain things in place to make the ride safer than it feels, and the laws of physics that God designed the universe around are there to keep me in that seat and keep the ride on the track, even when I don't keep both hands on the rail thank you very much.

I have had blessings beyond what I have ever imagined possible come into my life these past two years. Wheeeeeee!! I have tragedy and loss and overwhelming fear. Oh God, I think I'm going to be sick!! I've gotten sober and clean and enjoyed the rush of a new way of life for 15 months and then had the bottom fall out from under me, relapsed, and dropped so fast it didn't just scare me but those that love me as well. Then just when it looked like the end was rushing to meet me, whoosh my life turns back from disaster and I'm approaching my fifth month of sobriety once again. Aaaah, relief.

I've been without work, and found work, and lost work, and seen the precipice of fear, uncertainty and hope at the prospect of doing what I love for a living come back into play. I've made some new and true friends who I love dearly and who care for me. I've reconnected with old friends that have filled holes in my life. I've seen the ride end for a dozen of them and mourn their loss. I've experienced this without fear that I won't have enough to eat, without fear of living under a bridge, and, with the exception of the relapse loopty loop and dive, without fear of the ride ending for me. My life has been one I want to live, it has been better than I have known in so long or imagined could ever happen after October of 08.

Over the time of recent past, I have learned to trust the Designer and the spiritual and physical laws he put in place. That doesn't mean I haven't become afraid. I have. I am afraid. In some ways I am more afraid at this moment than I have been in the past two years. But under that fear, at the heart of who I am, there is the same peaceful and peace bringing understanding that God has me and while the ride feels out of control, it's not. It's just out of my control. And that's ok. Because when I try to control the coaster, I somehow always manage to compromise the integrity of something all too necessary. A brace is bent, something breaks, the ride begins to slip past the barriers of physics, and I find myself in a disaster, hurt and knowing I've also hurt the ones riding with me in my car and in adjoining cars as well.

Today, I realize I am trusting God, even when I still feel afraid. Even when I have that moment in the middle of a turn that I honestly question if the Designer does love me and if He maybe doesn't care enough about me to maintain the ride properly, and even in the zero G gut wrench of a loopty loop or sudden drop when I sometimes even question if He's there at all and if I truly believe any of the things I say and try to live by. Through all those moments, there is belief and trust. I just can't focus on it due to all the adrenaline. But I haven't tried to jump off the ride, I haven't died of fear, I haven't (at least not lately) tried to control the ride myself.

I have felt like somehow I would make it through this curve, and the next great drop, and, while dreading the sight of the horrible twist I can see coming up, somehow realizing that though I don't see how, I will pass safely through that fear as well. The twists and turns and loops and fears and doubts and angry denials do more to show me the love and power and control the Designer has so much more than the easy hills and safe feeling high moments ever could.

Today I feel them climbing sensation, but with it comes the fear of the drop that always follows. The excitement level in my life is climbing as the ride climbs, and so is my level of fear. But I have the love that God put in my life to lean into, and my love for others makes a little safety bar to hold me in. I think I might even listen to the voice coming through the speaker that tells me to keep both hands inside the car at all times and to enjoy the ride. But I am confident that I will indeed enjoy the ride. There will be moments of calm and confidence, there will be times of terror, times of happiness, and times of naseau. All those things simply make the ride not boring, which is essential for any good ride, but below the calm, terror, happiness and naseau is the serenity and joy, in all the emotional ride markers, that comes from knowing the Designer is in control and everything's going to be ok, even when the ride comes to a stop.

The Legacy Of Thomas Grimes

Monday evening, around 36 hours from the time of my writing this, an honest, extremely hard-working, dependable, kind and gentle man, who lived his life to help anyone and everyone he could, regardless of race, sex, orientation or social standing became a victim of a senseless act of violence. A true handyman and jack-of-all trades who could help repair almost anything from carpentry problems and auto repair to broken lives died all too soon at age 49.

At the same time the this amazing and inspiring man was being killed, the final chapter of the life of a viciously violent drug addict and alcoholic who had spent decades lying, cheating, stealing, and yes, even killing came to an end. This horrible drug addict's autobiography included more time behind bars than most Americans spend years in school, a track record of hurting and deceiving everyone who came in contact with him for more than a brief period. He was a man who lived only for himself, to hell with everyone else, and spent his life doing drugs, consuming alcohol, and doing whatever was necessary to keep a supply of both in his life.

The selfish addict was someone you would've done well to avoid and your life probably turned out better if you never met him. The handyman was someone I wish everyone could have met because everyone who did meet him came away bettered by the experience. I knew them both, and the thing that is so hard to believe but is nevertheless true is that they were the same man.

The handyman I wrote of was all the more beautiful because he was the butterfly that resulted from the life and transformation of an addict caterpillar. As a child I found it hard to believe that the beautiful butterflies I loved to watch so much developed from ugly old caterpillars. If you could not see the process how would you ever believe that a creature crawling around in the dirt could become something so completely and unrecognizably different to fly from flower to flower bringing joy to those who saw it? That truth of this transformation and the process that causes it has always been one of my favorite miracles of nature. It is the only way I can come up with to accurately describe the awesome, miraculous and wonderful transformation of Thomas Grimes.

The Thomas so many mourn today and whose death shocked his neighbors, because he was not someone you would expect to see involved in anything ugly and violent like his death was, was a completely different man and looked nothing like the addict who wrapped himself in the cocoon of a twelve-step program and let God grow him wings and paint him with all the beautiful colors of the angels. His life and the process of transformation will always be one of the most inspiring and beautiful miracles I have ever witnessed.

I knew Thomas well. I had been in the same white he wore for so long and knew that world. I saw him crawl into the rooms of recovery ready to die but not wanting to, hurting, sweating and scared. The caterpillar had existed for far too long and the soul of Thomas ached for something else, anything else. Give me recovery or give me death, he once told me, twisting the famous revolutionary quote to fit himself. He then proceeded to launch a revolution against himself. He wrapped himself in the cocoon of the program, but this was no hibernation. Thomas dove into action, working the steps more quickly and thoroughly than I believed possible.

I will always remain grateful for the gift God gave me in allowing me to witness the transformation of Thomas. I saw him admit his powerlessness, and I could see the truth begin to shine in his eyes as he went from doubter to a man who believed. I knelt with him as he surrendered the man he was and made a decision to let God make him the man he had been created to be. I heard the anxiousness in his voice after he finished an inventory so honest and thorough that it made him physically ill. I listened to his inventory and cried as he glowed and changed before my eyes and we burned his former life in a parking lot. As his inventory went up in smoke the Thomas butterfly began emerging from his cocoon, and the man so many love and mourn today was born. I do not know why God chose me to be the witness of that precious moment, but I will always be grateful for it.

Thomas knew the freedom he sought for so long. The obsession to drink and drug stayed with the cocoon and there was almost no trace of it in the butterfly that flew from that moment. But Thomas didn't stop to rest. With true gratitude and a determination not to ever revert back to his former state, Thomas became willing to have God change everything about him and remove all the character traits of the caterpillar. He prayed for the Master Artist to erase the markings of who he had been and paint him with completely new and beautiful characteristics.

Thomas looked back over his previous incarnation and honestly saw and accepted the damage he had done as he chewed his way through the lives of others. He set out to make it right, planting new life from seeds of sorrow. I saw the constant self-examination of his new wings and how quickly he did what he needed to do to clean them off if he somehow sullied them. He stayed as close to his Creator as he could, listening to the soft and gentle wind that guided him from one life to the next so that God could use him to pollinate and bless the lives of others. As a result of the action he took and his surrendering to the molding, shaping, and coloring of the Master Artist, Thomas became a new creation. He transformed into a man few who knew the former caterpillar would recognize or be able to believe had been the same creature. He spent the rest of his life flying and telling all the caterpillars he encountered that would listen that they were never meant to crawl on their bellies forever. He said with his actions more than his words that it was ok to look up from the dirt and decay, that they too could be transformed as he was and fly, beautiful and free.

I could not exaggerate this transformation. I could not use an analogy poetic enough to capture the true wonder and beauty of what occurred in Thomas' life. Thomas Grimes recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. He awoke from the state of being spiritually dead to living a life that revealed the truth and power of God to all who saw him. He found the solution and shared it. He died clean and sober and let it be known that we can all do the same if we want.

Today I am hurting. I cry as I write the truth about the transformation I can not do justice to in words that a man I knew as friend and brother experienced. There is a hole in my life today because I know there's one less butterfly in this world. But I do not hurt for Thomas. His metamorphosis is now complete and he flies in the eternal garden of his Creator. I miss him, but more than that I wish to honor him. I meditated on the question of what could I do or say that would please my friend. This morning I imagined Thomas saying to me help make more butterflies, share the story of his life and mine so that others may know there is a solution, there is hope, and most of all, I imagined him saying to me, keep flying, keep flying and allowing the Master Artist to paint my wings, never return to the ground to try to be the caterpillar again, live the legacy of Thomas.

The Right To Success

I have had more than one Spiritual Adviser tell me that I am afraid of success. I always denied this idea. After all, I have always wanted the things that come with success and prided myself on my accomplishments. Yet, while looking back over the patterns of my life I can see how many times I switched gears and changed directions before reaching true success. I see the many times where I have let fear stop me from even trying what I felt I should accomplish. So it does appear that I am afraid of success. But I am not. I am afraid of failure. I am so afraid of failure that I all too often don't even try. It's easier to say I don't know how to go about making this happen or that happen than it is to strive for the needed knowledge, put that knowledge into action, and then to risk failing at either learning what I need to or applying said knowledge. The result is I am trapped in a place so far below what I know my potential is that I feel like a failure. So I have allowed my fear of feeling like a bigger failure keep me from trying to escape what makes me feel like a failure to begin with. When I realize this, I feel like an even bigger failure and an idiot. And the vicious cycle continues, growing in destructiveness and power over me with each revolution.

I can't stay in this place. I am finally becoming more tired and afraid of living in this rut than I am of failing. I am no longer afraid of being denied because of feeling like God doesn't want me to be happy or to be able to enjoy my life. I know He wants me happy, joyous and free and working at something that fulfills me. So I can be assured that as long as I try, as long as I do the next right thing, as long as I seek relationship with Him above all else, He will guide me to the success I long for and remove the fear of failure that has paralyzed me since I was a child. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I don't have to do it perfectly and have everything there is potential for or nothing at all. I can have moderate success and strive for living perfect and see progress. In two years of trying to live progress not perfection, I never realized that before. I am glad that enough progress has been made that today I can see this oh so simple truth, I don't have to get 100%, I can live a good life with 70% that becomes 80% that becomes 90%. I don't have to be afraid to try.

Evidence of Changes

The program of recovery that God has given me, and that I choose to work today does just that, it works. I'm not referring to sobriety right now. I have evidence every day that it works in regards to sobriety as day after day passes without my having the obsession to drink and drug return. But that is not the main purpose of the program. The true purpose of the program is to connect me with my Higher Power, to effect the changes in my character that I could never change with my own will power and to show me how to live a life worth living. Evidence of these things still sometimes surprises me and definitely encourage me.

I spent 14 hours yesterday working as a wedding photographer. I began shooting rehearsal at 9, documented the day, and finished with the wedding and after events about 5. Then after an hour break, I began going through the images I had shot, making my cuts, deciding what to use and what to throw away (much like taking inventory), and doing what I could to improve the ones that were worthy of keeping. I estimate that I have a couple more hours of work to do, and then I can present the bride and groom with their pictures.

Where the evidence of changes in my life came in is that I enjoyed it thoroughly. By lunch I had begun working on thoughts and plans of how I could begin doing wedding photography regularly. What amazes me about this, is that as a professional photographer, I refused to shoot weddings for years. I hated doing it. I only did a couple and always swore to avoid such hell in the future. I claimed it was a soul killing enterprise for an artist.

But it never was about creativity or lack of challenge. The fact is that there is plenty of opportunity for beautiful and artistic photography with weddings, and also the chance to take the journalism documentary style photographs that I love. Weddings are one of the few things I can do now that offer a taste of the photojournalism career I threw away and destroyed during the time that I was busy building up the wreckage of my past. And yet, I still refused to consider shooting weddings. I still hated the very idea of it.

But as I applied reflection and inventory to my thought process, as I referred back to the things I learned about myself during the fourth and fifth steps, as I got rigorously honest about my reasons and feelings I learned something I had never been able to admit to myself before. My hatred of shooting weddings had nothing to do with creativity and artistic merit. It had everything to do with fear, how I felt about myself and my self worth, and how I responded to pressure. My fears have been reduced and dealt with through working the program, my understanding of my value and abilities has grown and changed, and my natural instinctive reactions to pressure, and what even causes pressure today for that matter, have changed drastically. These changes have made me a better man. They have given me a life worth living. And they have turned me 180 degrees from the direction I took in photography before, where I feared and hated the idea of shooting weddings for a living, to the place where I can be excited about the freedom and possibilities such an endeavor could afford me. I thank God that He gave me the willingness to give of my time and talents as a wedding present for two very good friends, because it gave me a glimpse of who I am today and how I have changed that I truly needed to see. I am grateful for the opportunities I have in my life today. I am grateful that the prejudice I stayed imprisoned by has been removed so that I can see the art and beauty in life around me, even in the idea of wedding photography.

No Need To Be Self Conscious

Self consciousness is pride manifesting in someone with low self-esteem. Have you ever met anyone totally at ease with themselves and comfortable with who they are? You can not embarrass such a person. It is almost impossible for someone with true and total self acceptance to become self conscious.

Self consciousness is fear. It is fear that I might do something or say something or that something may happen that will change the way that people think and feel about me in a negative way. When I become self conscious I am placing my focus on the wrong thing. It's time to remember that my center is supposed to be my Higher Power and not myself. It is time to remind myself that what others think of me is none of my business and is unimportant. My value and significance are not determined by how others see me and what others think and feel about me. They are not even determined by what I think and feel about myself. My significance and value are determined by what God says about me and thinks about me.

It doesn't matter if I am lower in status according to worldly measure. It doesn't matter that my past has the stink and look of a cesspool. My value is not determined by what kind of job I have, or if I have a job at all. It certainly doesn't matter what I look like or what kind of clothes I wear or what size, how decorated or how clean my house is. My significance remains based on the fact that my Creator loves me, cares for me and wants relationship with me, no matter what the circumstances in my life are. God doesn't even care if I trip and fall on my butt or spill a bowl of soup in my lap or anything else I could fear happening that would embarrass me in a room full of people.

The only thing that can effect my value to God is my level of willingness to be a servant. When I am extremely willing to be of service to others my value to God is higher than when I selfishly insist on only trying to serve myself and attain my own wants and desires. It's not that He values me any more or less either way. God's love for me is not effected by or determined by my actions and performance. It is that when I am willing to be used by Him to serve others, I am a more effective tool. If I am His hand in the life of someone He wants to bless and help, then I am more effective and of more value when I will move how and when He wants than I am cramped up and closed in on myself. My willingness to do what God wants me to do to serve Him and others is the only thing that is in within my control that can effect my value. So when I am living in willingness, I do not have to be self-conscious, I do not have to be afraid of what others may think of me. There is freedom in this. This simple truth is the secret answer to the question of how can I be more free by becoming a servant to another.

God, help me to remember and walk in this truth today. Help me to be a servant, and if and when I fail in some area, remind me that Your love for me is not determined by the level of perfection or performance in my life.