Thankful For Fourth

I have done two 4th steps, made a personal inventory of myself. The second time came as a result of my relapse earlier this year. It was thorough for the time that it needed to cover and had the needed result. That said, it was my first go round with this often feared step that was the most thorough in the amount of my life covered. It's the only time I've done a complete inventory of my time on this planet. Today I am so thankful to my first spiritual adviser who pushed me to do it and then listened to the results.

My 4th step is why I can be sure. What do I mean? Someone very important to me asked me recently how I can be sure about my relationship. If certain things have always been a part of my relationships, how can I know that those situations won't occur again? How can I trust? I didn't know the answer. All I could say is I just know. Not a very satisfying answer I must admit.

This morning I realize the answer lies in my 4th step. Through my 4th step, I could examine, evaluate and understand the patterns in my life and behavior. Where have I gotten into relationships with people who used, abused and discarded me and why? Where have been the one who used, abused and discarded and why? Where have I fallen short? Where have others let me down? Where have I gotten into situations where I expected too much from others...or too little? Etc.

By understanding the patterns of the past, I can better evaluate current situations. I don't have to be afraid a friend is going to treat me like "so called friends" of the past did when I can point out the many areas where they do not belong in the same category of the people who hurt me. I have friends I can have confidence in when lending them money for example when before I had better consider it a gift or not do it. Few of my former friends could have been trusted with a loan. The situation would be the same, a friend asking for cash, but the parameters of the equation are totally different.

Today I can have confidence in my ability to be faithful to a partner because I have done the inventory and know why I wasn't in the past. I can see that my motives and expectations are different today, so the results will also be different. Today I can trust in ways I couldn't before because of things I learned about myself and why I made the choices I made.

I am so grateful for this. I thanked God this morning for the relationship that I am in. I thanked Him that I do not need another person to fill the God-shaped hole in my life (an equation doomed from the start) but at the same time have a companion that fits me. I am grateful that I can evaluate my motives, expectations and all other qualifying aspects of the situation and know that despite my past track record I can have faith that I am right where I am supposed to be and that I can be the man and partner I need and want to be to care for the one I am blessed enough to have been given the chance to share my life with. Without my 4th step inventory I believe I would be quite afraid more times than not. And I'm grateful that I can finally answer the question, because I hate the answer because I said so...even when I am the one who said so.