Starting The Day Over

A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a frigging horse!!There is a truck, a small SUV, and a mini van parked at my house, and not a damned one of them would start this morning. Thankfully my father was able to leave his job and come give Leah a ride to hers, because I'm running on about two and a half or three hours of sleep at the moment and couldn't even begin to think of a solution to the problem other than call my father. The truth is we have a horse, but he is in a field about ten miles away, and that is surely not a practical solution in this day and age. Leah might enjoy the ride to work, but where would she keep him while there? It's not like the poor animal can stand in the parking lot all day waiting, and I would worry sick every morning knowing she had to try to cross the craziness that is morning traffic on North Street in Nacogdoches on horseback. So, nevermind, I thought it was a funny way to express my frustration, but you can keep your horse, and I'll keep my little kingdom.

I also have a motorcycle. Like the horse, it's about ten miles away at the moment, but it runs good. I just don't have plates, or insurance, or helmets. And riding in the fall and winter without a cover for your face is a so not fun experience. To be perfectly honest, right now, at this moment, I have no idea what to do. No solution comes to mind. And that is frightening. I have begun a new business in which it will be very hard if not impossible to succeed without reliable transportation, and the motorcycle is not an option since it's not wise to carry all of my camera equipment strapped to my bike. Even a minor drop which wouldn't hurt me or the bike could be the end of my business if I were to do that.

It is difficult to keep my attitude right and find gratitude for the day when it starts so frustratingly rough. When a situation arises that opens the door to fear and frustration before I can even drink my morning coffee, it's so easy to throw up my hands and say well hell, there goes the day. There goes the month. There goes life. It's always been like this. It always will. My life has been a series of small tragedies broken up by larger ones. Poor me.

But that is so bogus. My life is good. I have someone wonderful in my life who I love dearly and who loves me. That is an amazing blessing, and I wouldn't trade it for a fleet of vehicles guaranteed to never break down or enough money to buy a new car every week and treat transportation like disposable razors. I have an earthly father who loves me and her and is able to drop what he is doing and come to our rescue. And while I'm talking about him, I might as well mention that the mini van belongs to my parents. I had borrowed it because my vehicle isn't running and I can't afford to have it repaired at the moment.

No, the truth is that my life is so much more than a series of minor tragedies and I have been and am truly blessed. I am simply frustrated, and when I become frustrated my natural inclination is to feel sorry for myself. It is also much easier for fear to overwhelm me. So, I know the problem. The question becomes do I know the solution.

When I first heard people in the rooms say, "You know, you can start your day over anytime you need to, as many times as you need to," I had to fight back the urge to laugh at them. What a ridiculous notion. If I could've started things over, I never would have stopped with going back to the beginning of the day. I would have gone back to the rocking horse. But the past is the past. It only exists as personal and collective memory. It is an intangible abstract idea, and therefore can not be returned to, changed, or lived in. Funny how it can weigh so heavily in our hearts and minds though.

I can not go back to last night and borrow a battery charger to make sure the van would crank this morning. I can not go back to this morning and call my father twenty minutes earlier so Leah would not have had to worry about being late and I wouldn't have had to worry about how to help her. I can't do anything like that. And that is not what is meant in the idea that I can start my day over.

Here is how I have to start my day over. It is simply an acknowledgement of reality and truth. The past is gone. Ten years ago and ten seconds ago are equally over. When I understand that and accept it, then I can let go of the past, even the past of five minutes ago that still has my adrenaline pumping. When I release the past, I am free to remember that each moment, each now, is the only time that truly exists and therefore this second is where I am starting from here on out. The past is gone. I am starting my day, my week, my month, my year, and my life over right this second and every second, whether I acknowledge it and live like it or not.

So, if my life resets and starts over every second, why do I not feel that way and why don't I get the benefits of that fresh start. Well, for one thing I said starts over, not fresh start. The law of cause and effect still stands. I can not free myself from negative consequences by saying the past is gone, true or not. Change has to occur. I have to clean up my side of the street. I have to stop doing the things that plant the seeds of disaster in my current now which will grow to fruitful crops of pain in a future now. I have to do the work. The past in which I threw the garbage on the ground in my yard may indeed be gone, but the trash will remain in every moment, in every now, until in one of them I stoop down, pick it up and throw it away.

But what about the disasters like this morning in which I have no part, where I did nothing wrong and couldn't change things? Well, how does it go? Oh yeah, accept the things I can not change. If grass isn't growing in my yard because the trash is smothering it, I can change that. Pick up the trash. If it isn't growing because it's winter, there's nothing I can do but accept that and wait patiently for spring. But how does that acceptance change the situation and how do I use that to start my day over? First, it doesn't change the situation. If I am still trying to change it, then I am not accepting it. It changes me and my attitudes and reactions and approaches to the situation and life.

Acceptance is how I start my day over, because it is the very act of acceptance that allows me to release five minutes ago. It doesn't still exist, so it's awfully hard to keep trying to carry it around. Oh but I try and I try sometimes.

Still there is that voice that says but if the law of cause and effect is still in play, if chain reactions do indeed occur, if things in motion tend to stay in motion, once things start going wrong in my day, won't they continue to go wrong? What good is letting go of the past and starting my day over if my fresh start is only going to consist of fresh new disasters? Firstly, I have to not be a drama queen. I haven't had a true disaster in my life in a long time. This morning was not a disaster. Everything worked out fine. I tend to confuse inconvenience with tragedy when it is happening to me. Secondly, there is no point in starting my day over without starting it correctly.

So the question becomes how do I start my day, either at the conventional start, or after a frustrating inconvenience, or at three in the afternoon? No, going back to bed is not the answer. But there is an answer. I just have difficulty remembering it at times when fear and frustration are bullying me.

Let's see. I believe I have had some instruction on the best way to start my day...at whichever point in the day that I am starting it. I should think of the time that is ahead, not try to live in it because it as impossible and dangerous to try to live in the future as in the past, but simply look and think for a moment to consider my plans for my new day. Before I begin, if I want to start things off right, I ask God to direct my thoughts, specifically seeking to remove myself from self-pity, and dishonest or self-seeking motives.

Okay, I ask God to remove self-pity, and surrender my will and motives so that I am not self-seeking but seeking to serve. This is how each new day, even the do overs, becomes a fresh start. This is how I break the chain of my own negative reactions that lead to further negative events and consequences. This is what frees me from the weight of the past so that if there are present frustrations in my new day they don't feel as heavy or overwhelm me since they aren't paired with what happened earlier in my heart and mind.

And in addition to the helpful guide above I have found other instruction on how to begin my day in Psalms 63. 1 O God, You are my God; [I acknowledge my creator and surrender my will and life to Him...if this sounds a lot like step three, there's a reason for that.]

Early will I seek You; [This tells me when I need to do this..early, as in first thing. If I am trying to start my day over, the act that makes it worth hitting the reset button is to do what I probably forgot to do the first start of the day and seek my Creator. I say I probably forgot to do that because I have found that I have less need to start over to free myself of fear and frustration when I have sought God first thing regardless of how much goes wrong during my day.]

My soul thirsts for You;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
2 So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory. [I have need. I am dying of thirst. My soul is dry, and I am tired, but I remember where my refuge is. I remember who provides and cares for me, and that is where I look for help.]

3 Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, [What reminds me to run to the sanctuary, the refuge, of my Creator is remembering that He does indeed love me and that I'd rather have His love in the midst of storms than have calm skies without that love that my soul has cried out for from my birth. Calm skies, peace and prosperity can not fill the God-shaped hole in my life. Only His love can.]

My lips shall praise You. [It may sound silly, but I believe that praising my Higher Power is of critical importance. Not because He needs it to stroke His ego, but because I need to do it to remember that it wasn't me that brought me this far, it wasn't me that made the miracles happen in my life, I didn't provide for myself in the past because I am powerless to do so and therefore don't have to feel pressured to do it now, because by giving Him the glory and thanks and praise for His providence, love and authority in my life I remain actively in a state of step 3...of the total surrender of my life and will to Him.]

4 Thus I will bless You while I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
5 My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips. [At this point I find myself satisfied as though saturated with abundance even if I am still in a dry and thirsty land, my soul is no longer dying and thirsty and hungry. If my soul is full and satisfied with the conscious contact of my Creator, then I can be calm, content and unafraid, and I can feel the frustrations begin to slide off my back. I can walk through a shit storm and not get any on me. I can see situation after situation fall apart and know that my life is good because my condition and contentment are no longer controlled by the level of convenience in my life or the lack of. I find I have a joy that can not be hindered or stolen away by negative situations in my material life when my spiritual life is satisfied. I seek satisfaction in my spirit through conscious contact with God, and my do over becomes a truly fresh and free start of the day at any time.]