It's time for me to let go...past time. Repeatedly I believe that I have let go and released my past and its resentments only to discover this isn't the case. I had a moment to talk with my pastor about one of these resentments last night. I believed I had forgiven and let go. The situation wasn't bothering me. I did not want to drink or drug over it. When I did my second fourth step I didn't even write it down, because it didn't come to mind. Yet, I know I had not released it.
I know this because a few days ago I heard about the death of a man who had been near the top of my resentments list on my first fourth step. When I received the news I rejoiced. I felt glad that the man had died and that it had not been a pleasant death. This is not a good indicator of my spirituality. Yes, this person had hurt me greatly, abused me and made my life hell for years, but the truth is that I am the one who put myself in the place where he could do those things. Another truth is that he was an addict. He was sick, just like me. His actions and attitudes came as a result of that sickness. I should have been sad that he failed to find the solution that I have been blessed to find. He may have been a wonderful man in recovery. But no one will ever know because the beast took him to the grave. That is not something to feel happy about.
I believe that true forgiveness will produce compassion in me for the person forgiven. I will care about what happens to that person. If I am to treat that person as though he is sick and use that idea to help forgive, then I should have sympathy for that person and pray that the get well. I want to learn how to truly forgive those I have had resentments against. I do not want that poison in my system any longer.
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