Teach Me To Wait

One of the promises of recovery is that the fear of economic insecurity will leave us, but this morning I am afraid and this fear has been growing slowly but surely. So what does this mean? Does it mean that I am off the path somehow somewhere in my program of recovery or that I am facing reality or something altogether different?

This is an interesting question for me, because I am not entirely sure of the answer or how to approach it. I know that to do the next right thing and follow the direction of my Higher Power keeps me in position to receive His help and blessing. He cares for me better than I can care for myself and both can and will meet my every need if I let Him. Part of letting Him is staying in position spiritually and in every other way to receive from Him. So when I am afraid I know that I need to trust God more. He has never failed me.

But even though God has never failed me, there have been many instances where I have walked away from His help only to find myself struggling in the dark to find my way. So when I find myself facing certain things I have to question whether or not I have left the path. I know that if something doesn't change in the next few weeks I will not have enough money to pay my rent and other bills at the end of the month. There is a part of me that feels life I should be concerned, yes even afraid. After all having the fear of financial insecurity leave is not always a result of a promise of good in my life.

Much of my life I should have been very afraid and insecure when it comes to financial issues. I say should have, because I wasn't. As a child I saw my family live hand to mouth, month to month, year after year. It became normal, and I grew used to it, but I hated it. I hated it because I couldn't have all the things that I wanted and that I saw my friends able to have. It wasn't a fear of not having enough but rather fear of not having what I wanted. I don't remember every feeling afraid that we wouldn't have a place to live, food on the table, heat and lights etc. This lack of fear was good. It came from faith in my father and faith in my father's faith in his Higher Power. And it never once failed.

My youth served as a wonderful object lesson on the faithfulness of God to care for those who are in His will. The problem is I always felt like I received some protection and benefit as a child that I didn't deserve. What I mean is I believed thoroughly that my father was doing what he was called to do and saw God take care of him and his family. I was a dependent of my father and therefore fell under that umbrella. My own needs were met because my needs were part of my father's needs. He needed to be able to take care of me, and God was meeting his needs. I just as thoroughly believed that if I had been on my own, that such would not be the case. I rarely felt secure or even hopeful that I was doing what God wanted me to do with my life. Even as a child I knew I was too selfish and self-centered for that. I lived for myself. I knew this even then, and so I understood that I could not live for myself and expect the benefits that come with living for God.

But there was another way I freed myself from the fear of financial insecurity. I turned into Scarlet. Tomorrow, I'll worry about it tomorrow. I simply can not deal with this right now, so I won't. I will escape in fun, in people, in drugs and alcohol, in fantasy and in any other way I could think of. I won't look at it, and I won't face it, because somehow if I don't acknowledge the situation and threat it won't be real. If I just keep on going and don't worry about it, somehow my luck will change or someone will rescue me. And I would go on about my life unafraid on the surface but a seething cauldron of fear below the surface where I refused to look.

Today, I am responsible and well enough to look below the surface. I do not have my Scarlet mask on, nor do I want to have it. I can not put off looking at my situation and also do the next right thing. I live in a world of cause and effect where you work for what you get, not in a fairy tale where some white knight is going to swoop in to take care of all my problems for me. My situation is not about luck, and therefore I do not need my luck to change. What I need is direction and assurance. I need assurance that I am indeed on the path God has directed me to take. So I need to take out the road map again and look at it. Did I take a turn somewhere. Did I take a wrong exit. If no, then I need to continue to travel down the road. But if the answer to that question is yes, I need to find a place where I can exit or make a U-turn. I need to get off the road I'm on before I get so far off course I won't have enough gas to get back where I need to be and I find myself stranded. And I need direction. There are some things about the map I have that I don't understand, and it would be good to understand them. I can see the road that the map says I should take plainly on the paper but when I look back up through the windshield I am not sure how to get to it, which exit becomes the right entrance ramp? I am unsure, and it is the uncertainty that causes my fear.

I want this fear and financial insecurity gone. No, I need it gone. I need to be able to take care of my family and reduce their stress, pressure and fear of how are we going to pay what we owe and where are we going to live if we can't. I need it off myself. But I want it gone for the right reasons in the right way. I don't want to not feel fear because I have blinded myself with denial or refused to take responsibility or even worse have actively found a way to escape the feelings without changing the situation. I want the fear to be gone because I have followed my father's example, listened to my Higher Power, lined my will up with His and therefore can know that I know that I know that I am in His will and therefore protected by His care and promises.

I know I need to take action. I have to do something. The problem is that I am not sure what I can or should do. And I am scared. But I also know and believe that if you seek the truth you will find it. So today, I face my fear and seek truth. God, good orderly direction is what I need, and I will try to find that before the panic I feel rising within me just makes me jump any which way my muscles happen to move when the idea of staying still and waiting becomes unbearable. When the fear makes me bolt I am in trouble because I am no longer able to think or listen. But when I stay calm and wait for direction and guidance...when I pause and ask for an intuitive thought, then I can see where I need to go and how I need to get there, I find myself energized and focused, no longer about to faint from fear, no longer confused and fumbling around without understanding. Teach me Lord to wait.