Seeing Fall In Me

It is so easy for me to look at myself and see those areas where there is death and not life. I can be so hard on myself over these areas. But while it is important and good for me to see honestly and accurately the areas in my life that are not growing and full of life, I can not beat myself up over them.

For one thing, the philosophy of progress not perfection reminds me that the regeneration and restoration of my life will not be instant. I will never achieve perfection on this plane of existence, so to expect my life to be free of all areas of defect and death is foolishness.

Sometimes the areas of my life that are not green with growth are that way because I made choices in the past that brought destruction into my life. These are the most disappointing for me, but I can know that as long as I have stopped doing what I did to kill parts of myself and as long as there are areas that are still living, especially at the core, then my tree of life can continue to flourish and even those areas already damaged can be healed.

But other times, these areas are a necessary part of growth. Things in my life that were keeping me from my conscious contact with my Creator or that were simply no longer useful need to die and fall away so that they can be replaced with new growth.

Like a tree, my life goes through cycles. What was new growth, needed and beautiful in the spring cycle must mature, die, and fall away to make room for new growth to come. It doesn't mean there was anything wrong with the leaves in my life or that I did anything to bring about their destruction. It is not a sign that my Creator is disappointed or that I am not where I should be. Sometimes it is the most important sign that I am right where I should be and growing. There is no growth without death. At times it hurts to feel the results of these cycles in my life. Sometimes it isn't easy to know for sure what is a result of my tree growing more healthy in the cycle God intended and what is a result of my own destructive choices. But I know God cares for the trees that can not give Him praise, how much more must He care for me?

It isn't easy to feel a winter season coming in my life. It can be painful and frightening. But I know that there will always be periods of barrenness, dormancy and death. The thing I cling to is that there is also still life, even if I can not see it because all my leaves have turned brown and or fallen. There will come a time of spring again. There will be new growth, new beauty and new creation. While I may appear on the outside to be barren and dormant, these are times when the most important growth may occur. When all new growth and all my energy is going into my roots and trunk, the core of who I am, and not into the areas on the outer reaches that may be more pretty to my eyes and more appreciated but far less critical to my existence and relationship with my Creator than I think and feel.

Spring must come for me to live. No tree will survive too long without it's green leaves to provide nourishment. That new creation is important. But equally important is the period of hibernation to rid myself of what is no longer growing and prepare for that new growth in my life. When I remember to look at it this way, these mixtures of life and death in my life that I see so easily can be beautiful to me.