A Better Way To Compare

I feel blessed and exhilarated this morning. So many things have come together to make my life amazing and wonderful. And the truth is that I am a little surprised that I feel as such. I kept thinking this morning that I should be feeling different, more melancholy and afraid and much less satisfied. After all, that's how I felt a year ago today.

On this date last year I should have celebrated my one year recovery birthday, but at the time I barely had ten months. I remember beating myself up about that, looking at it as an example of falling short rather than celebrating the ten months that I had. While in some ways, my financial situation was better or at least more secure than it is now, I felt the weight and pressure of economic insecurity and fear for the future. I believed I needed to box up my dreams and shelve them so that they wouldn't get in the way any longer or continue to break my heart with the truth that hope deferred makes the heart sick. Basically, I made myself miserable last November 6.

As a reminder that I am still not quite right in the head, my mind actually tried to tell me this morning that I should be feeling in a similar manner to last year. After all, in some ways things are even worse. Instead of the two years I would have been celebrating if I hadn't screwed up, I am ten days away from six months. I actually have less clean and sober time now than I did at this point last year. Shouldn't that be depressing? Here's a hammer, why don't you hit yourself with it, something inside me insists on saying. And I could. I could find things like my inability to pay my bills, the weight of those counting on me to succeed, my relationships with family that may be worse rather than restored as I have hoped for for so long, etc. I could go on and on, because once I start looking for reasons to be disappointed, depressed and afraid, I can find them everywhere.

What I am most grateful for this morning, and that is saying something as there are many things I am extremely grateful for at the moment, is that this negative voice's sermon only lasted a moment before another voice instinctively pointed out how ridiculous the idea was that I should feel the same or worse than I did last year. This voice for which I am so grateful said, "Oh shut up and look around. You think too much." And then, just to prove myself right, I begin thinking about how I think too much.

Thankfully that didn't last long either, because it's hard to be all contemplative when you can't stop smiling. That was the evidence of my reality this morning. I can't seem to stop smiling. What a wonderful affliction. My life must be such hell. Not hardly. My life is wonderful today, and I thank God that I can not only see that but that my instinctive reactions are recognizing it before my brain that thinks too much can even analyze the information.

Do I have the two years that other voice says I should have? Of course not. I already acknowledged that I have less than 6 months clean and sober. But I am not depressed about that, nor should I be. I am thrilled to have the recovery time that I have. It is a miracle, and my sobriety is on a more firm foundation now at five and a half months than it was at ten months last year, thanks to God, the work that I have done and the help of a great spiritual adviser who has taught me and aided me more than she'll ever realize. My recovery is good enough today to be grateful for every minute I have rather than beat myself up regretting not having the time under my belt that I could have had. And as far as should of had goes, if it hadn't worked out the way it did, my life would not be what it is today. It takes what it takes.

Is my financial situation better? No. Not at all. This time last year, I certainly wasn't worried about rent money. I had no doubts about being able to provide Christmas presents for those I love. I could go on, but I won't. But last year's security was based on having nothing of my own, being taken care of by others, and not having anyone in my life to be responsible to provide for. I wouldn't want to go back to that for anything. There is something truly wonderful about sleeping in on a cold Saturday morning, cuddled up with the one you love and who loves you. I enjoyed it immensely and needed it. Last year the possibility that I might be able to do that was not even an option that I allowed myself to think about. The fact that I didn't believe it could happen hurt too much. Today I am blessed with a love the kind of which I felt I never deserved and had voided all rights to. I am so grateful for this wonderful relationship and even the feelings of responsibility that come with it. I was told recently that these feelings of responsibility and pressure are evidence that I have grown up and finally joined the ranks of the adults of this world. I guess it is about time. This body has been here for almost 40 years, shouldn't I have become an adult years ago? Progress.

Yesterday afternoon, I became legitimate, to quote someone very important and influential in my life. I filed my DBA, and Eclectic Imagery is now an official business. I have a business PO Box and a bank account and everything. I feel a bit like a child who has graduated from the easy bake oven with its warming light and mushy brownies to a real oven with the potential to cook real food and lots of it. So while my financial situation may be less stable, any new business is in a precarious place and it will take a little time for the stability to grow, for the first time in years, there is the true potential that I can soon provide for my own financial needs and for those of my family. I can contribute and be productive. I didn't have that a year ago.

I have new relationships that I never believed I could have. Many of the relationships that I have had longer, that I already had last year, are better now than they were, and so much restoration has occurred. As to the few that have not been restored or may even be worse, they don't hurt like they used to. This is because my relationship with God is so much better and stronger than it has been in the past and because I am comfortable with who I am in my own skin. I need the approval and adoration of others less and less. This is such a change from the driven people pleaser that I used to be that I hardly recognize myself at times. I am so grateful for this as well.

I have come to realize that gratitude changes and effects so much. My quality of recovery is based on the fruits I see in my life, the measurable progress, and the levels of happiness, joy, freedom and serenity I experience. It has nothing to do with the date that I state for my sobriety or some number on a chip or key chain or chalk board in a room somewhere. I don't need to regret my youth so to speak or feel inferior because of it. I can simply celebrate and enjoy the life my God has given me and be grateful for finally finding somewhere along the way in my journey a life worth living.