Thanksgiving

What an amazing day! I know it's supposed to get cold before the day is over, but right now it is so comfortable and pretty out here on my porch. I just saw a birds nest in a tree I hadn't seen before. In a little while I will be meeting with some of my family for Thanksgiving dinner. And I have so much to be thankful for.

I am most thankful for a relationship with my Creator. Nothing means more to me. It is such a blessing to know that I am loved by God and cared for. Through working on my relationship with Him, I am closer to being the man that I was created to be than I ever have been. I can be the husband, son, brother, friend and servant that I find joy in being. I am comfortable in my own skin. Thank you Father.

This year I celebrate my first Thanksgiving with Leah, and I am so grateful for that.

I didn't believe I could have such a wonderful relationship after all that I have done to build destruction in my life, the lives of others and the relationships of my past. I don't deserve her or the blessings that she brings to my life, but I am so grateful and thankful that love is not about deserve. It is a gift, and I receive hers with joy and thanksgiving.

I am thankful for the rest of my family...those I was born with and those I have been adopted into. My parents have shown me such love and support. They are amazing examples of relationship, and I am so blessed to have them in my life. Two brothers by birth that I love and would give whatever I could to make their lives better if they needed me to. A large number of aunts and uncles that I love and who love me.My adopted brother Clint and his family have been such a blessing to my life and such a part of the blessings God has given me.Two sisters-in-law that fill my heart with Joy at the blessing they bring to the lives of my brothers.

I am thankful for the relationship that has begun already with Leah's mother and sister. I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

I don't know that I would even be here without the love, guidance and support of my Spiritual Adviser. Dixie I am so thankful for you and Frankie. You are a wonderful couple and such a blessing to me and my family. I am thankful for you both.

Today, I have friends in my life that are true friends. Friends that want the best for me and care for me because they do, not because it might help them or because I have access to drugs or alcohol handy. I have friends that want to help me rather than use me. This is a blessing that I am thankful for,

I am thankful for a few special people that are closer than friends...Crystal, Derrin, Duke and River, my life is richer today because you are in it. I am grateful that you are a part of my not-so-typical family.

I have been thankful for a while for my friendship with my ex-wife. But after seeing yet another example of when relationships don't end as well and where exes act like enemies on the attack rather than civil at least and friends at best, I am even more thankful for my friendship with Jan.

I am thankful for my business, Eclectic Imagery, ad the opportunity to do what I love as a career. The potential seems to be growing. What a blessing I have received. Along with that, I am grateful to God for the gifts that He has given me that bring art into my life and allow me to pass it on to others. I am grateful that my self-worth is not tied into what others think of my work today. The acceptance or rejection of my work by others does not define who I am as a photographer and artist and certainly not who I am as a person.

I am thankful for so much more, but I could list forever and miss something or someone. My life is blessed today because of God and the changes that have occurred in my life since I walked into the rooms. Six months sober and clean is a blessing, and I am thankful today for every day of it. I don't have to be down on myself for throwing away the fifteen months that I had. Life is good.

Thankful For Fourth

I have done two 4th steps, made a personal inventory of myself. The second time came as a result of my relapse earlier this year. It was thorough for the time that it needed to cover and had the needed result. That said, it was my first go round with this often feared step that was the most thorough in the amount of my life covered. It's the only time I've done a complete inventory of my time on this planet. Today I am so thankful to my first spiritual adviser who pushed me to do it and then listened to the results.

My 4th step is why I can be sure. What do I mean? Someone very important to me asked me recently how I can be sure about my relationship. If certain things have always been a part of my relationships, how can I know that those situations won't occur again? How can I trust? I didn't know the answer. All I could say is I just know. Not a very satisfying answer I must admit.

This morning I realize the answer lies in my 4th step. Through my 4th step, I could examine, evaluate and understand the patterns in my life and behavior. Where have I gotten into relationships with people who used, abused and discarded me and why? Where have been the one who used, abused and discarded and why? Where have I fallen short? Where have others let me down? Where have I gotten into situations where I expected too much from others...or too little? Etc.

By understanding the patterns of the past, I can better evaluate current situations. I don't have to be afraid a friend is going to treat me like "so called friends" of the past did when I can point out the many areas where they do not belong in the same category of the people who hurt me. I have friends I can have confidence in when lending them money for example when before I had better consider it a gift or not do it. Few of my former friends could have been trusted with a loan. The situation would be the same, a friend asking for cash, but the parameters of the equation are totally different.

Today I can have confidence in my ability to be faithful to a partner because I have done the inventory and know why I wasn't in the past. I can see that my motives and expectations are different today, so the results will also be different. Today I can trust in ways I couldn't before because of things I learned about myself and why I made the choices I made.

I am so grateful for this. I thanked God this morning for the relationship that I am in. I thanked Him that I do not need another person to fill the God-shaped hole in my life (an equation doomed from the start) but at the same time have a companion that fits me. I am grateful that I can evaluate my motives, expectations and all other qualifying aspects of the situation and know that despite my past track record I can have faith that I am right where I am supposed to be and that I can be the man and partner I need and want to be to care for the one I am blessed enough to have been given the chance to share my life with. Without my 4th step inventory I believe I would be quite afraid more times than not. And I'm grateful that I can finally answer the question, because I hate the answer because I said so...even when I am the one who said so.

I Need To Learn To Forgive

It's time for me to let go...past time. Repeatedly I believe that I have let go and released my past and its resentments only to discover this isn't the case. I had a moment to talk with my pastor about one of these resentments last night. I believed I had forgiven and let go. The situation wasn't bothering me. I did not want to drink or drug over it. When I did my second fourth step I didn't even write it down, because it didn't come to mind. Yet, I know I had not released it.

I know this because a few days ago I heard about the death of a man who had been near the top of my resentments list on my first fourth step. When I received the news I rejoiced. I felt glad that the man had died and that it had not been a pleasant death. This is not a good indicator of my spirituality. Yes, this person had hurt me greatly, abused me and made my life hell for years, but the truth is that I am the one who put myself in the place where he could do those things. Another truth is that he was an addict. He was sick, just like me. His actions and attitudes came as a result of that sickness. I should have been sad that he failed to find the solution that I have been blessed to find. He may have been a wonderful man in recovery. But no one will ever know because the beast took him to the grave. That is not something to feel happy about.

I believe that true forgiveness will produce compassion in me for the person forgiven. I will care about what happens to that person. If I am to treat that person as though he is sick and use that idea to help forgive, then I should have sympathy for that person and pray that the get well. I want to learn how to truly forgive those I have had resentments against. I do not want that poison in my system any longer.

Full Moon

This morning a story from my childhood came to my mind. I remember one of my favorite stories was told on a live recording of a singer named Barry McGuire called "To The Bride" with him, The 2nd Chapter of Acts, and A Band Called David. He spoke of taking a trip on a ship and being out on deck at night watching dolphins play in the reflection of the moon on the water. He had a revelation that it's not nearly as important how much his own light shown but rather how much he reflected the light of God for others to see. Like the moon reflects the light of the sun, those living a spiritual life are reflections of their Creator. This morning, my prayer echoes that of the cry I heard from Barry so many years ago. God, I want to be a full moon!

Laughter

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." ~ e.e. cummings

I used to have a lot of days without laughter. Other days there was much laughter, but it was of the empty, hollow, and senseless variety. I confused foolishness and confusion with mirth. It was not unusual to lose myself in giggle fits over the most inane things while under the influence. I honestly believed I would laugh less in sobriety. When I first started the journey to recovery, I feared I might not laugh much if at all.

This has proved untrue. I laugh more today than I have since my childhood. True, honest laughter that bubbles up from within and pours out like water. It's refreshing and contagious. It is easy now that I am in the habit of laughing regularly to see why it is said that laughter is good medicine. It heals. But I had to start healing to find it.

Sanctuary

I am blessed, and God has given me so much. But all too often, I continue to live and consider all that I have been given with the anticipation that at some point the universe will drop a boot on my head. I worry that I am like the deer that has found a secret stash of sweet corn only to discover too late that it was a hunter's bait.

But that attitude comes from using my old understanding and thoughts when considering my Creator. It means that I am not trusting Him. Why do I feel that what God has given me and placed in my life will be taken away and or used against me? Because I have lost sight of a God that truly and deeply loves and cares for me and returned to the idea of a God that either doesn't care and leaves me to struggle through life on my own, or worse yet, a God who toys with me the way a child cruelly toys with and tortures an insect to watch it squirm.

God is not hunting me to cause me harm. He hasn't given me gifts and talents to use and people to love so that He can lure me into a sense of safety and get the easier kill shot. He loves me. He has made a sanctuary for me where the hunter is not allowed to go, and because He knows that I will go where the hunter is, driven by my own desires and instincts, and yes, needs, He has provided for me within the sanctuary. He planted a section of clover and sweet corn so that I can enjoy it in the safety of His refuge and not need to seek it out where it is being used as bait. He has made sure that there are areas I can rest, and run, and hide, and play in the sun. But it is up to me to make this place my home. Because it is in the leaving and returning to such safety that I am most vulnerable to the wise hunter who, unable to hunt inside the sanctuary, sets up at the border to kill the deer who comes and goes. Today I realize I need to stay within the sanctuary God has prepared for me, where my every need is provided for and I have the safety to live happy, joyous and free and am saturated with serenity.

Seeing Fall In Me

It is so easy for me to look at myself and see those areas where there is death and not life. I can be so hard on myself over these areas. But while it is important and good for me to see honestly and accurately the areas in my life that are not growing and full of life, I can not beat myself up over them.

For one thing, the philosophy of progress not perfection reminds me that the regeneration and restoration of my life will not be instant. I will never achieve perfection on this plane of existence, so to expect my life to be free of all areas of defect and death is foolishness.

Sometimes the areas of my life that are not green with growth are that way because I made choices in the past that brought destruction into my life. These are the most disappointing for me, but I can know that as long as I have stopped doing what I did to kill parts of myself and as long as there are areas that are still living, especially at the core, then my tree of life can continue to flourish and even those areas already damaged can be healed.

But other times, these areas are a necessary part of growth. Things in my life that were keeping me from my conscious contact with my Creator or that were simply no longer useful need to die and fall away so that they can be replaced with new growth.

Like a tree, my life goes through cycles. What was new growth, needed and beautiful in the spring cycle must mature, die, and fall away to make room for new growth to come. It doesn't mean there was anything wrong with the leaves in my life or that I did anything to bring about their destruction. It is not a sign that my Creator is disappointed or that I am not where I should be. Sometimes it is the most important sign that I am right where I should be and growing. There is no growth without death. At times it hurts to feel the results of these cycles in my life. Sometimes it isn't easy to know for sure what is a result of my tree growing more healthy in the cycle God intended and what is a result of my own destructive choices. But I know God cares for the trees that can not give Him praise, how much more must He care for me?

It isn't easy to feel a winter season coming in my life. It can be painful and frightening. But I know that there will always be periods of barrenness, dormancy and death. The thing I cling to is that there is also still life, even if I can not see it because all my leaves have turned brown and or fallen. There will come a time of spring again. There will be new growth, new beauty and new creation. While I may appear on the outside to be barren and dormant, these are times when the most important growth may occur. When all new growth and all my energy is going into my roots and trunk, the core of who I am, and not into the areas on the outer reaches that may be more pretty to my eyes and more appreciated but far less critical to my existence and relationship with my Creator than I think and feel.

Spring must come for me to live. No tree will survive too long without it's green leaves to provide nourishment. That new creation is important. But equally important is the period of hibernation to rid myself of what is no longer growing and prepare for that new growth in my life. When I remember to look at it this way, these mixtures of life and death in my life that I see so easily can be beautiful to me.

Project 365

It sounded fun. It could've even sounded easy, but I knew better. I didn't think one photo a day, no big deal, I thought one photo every 24 hours, 7 days a week, for 365 days....and it overwhelmed me. About three days into my first attempt at Project 365 I missed a day and didn't start the project back up for several months. When I did begin again, I cheated. I redefined the idea to be 365 images in one year, instead of one a day. It works out the same, right?

Well, yes and no. I did better. I took over 90 images for the project, most of which I really liked. I have some images in my portfolio from these. But by changing the parameters I changed my approach. I no longer had to force myself to shoot when uninspired or look for inspiration. I could get lazy and blow off a day, after all, I could just shoot two images the following day. Then life happened. My home was broken into, my vehicle trashed, and my favorite lens was damaged. It broke my heart a little, and in the aftermath of trying to get my life back into some semblance of normality and feeling like this would be such a better shot if I could use that lens, etc. excuses excuses, I put my camera down for weeks.

I did eventually pick it back up and start shooting images for the project again. I even managed to get the lens I love so much working. But by then I had fallen so far behind that I just felt I couldn't catch back up, and I quit. But instead of beating myself up over failing to meet a goal I had set and failing to finish something I started, I looked at it from the recovery angle of progress not perfection. What a novel idea to apply the principles of recovery to the rest of my life. No, it's not an original idea; that's a huge part of step 12.

I did make progress. I shot over 30 times the number of images the second time that I tried this project as I did the first. Five days ago, I officially filed the paperwork for my own business, Eclectic Imagery - Photography and Fine Art. My days have been busy getting things going with that. I haven't had time to shoot anything I wasn't being paid for. But I know that if I wait until my life is not too busy to start this project once more, I'll never do it. Besides, it's a year long commitment, and I pray that there are going to be many times in the next 365 days that I am quite busy. So I am going to start again. Today.

The website for my company is up, and this evening I plan to start a new blog to go with it. It will cover what I am doing, tell about promotions, give photo tips, etc. It is also where I will begin posting my Project 365 images. When possible, I will write a little something about the image or why I took it or something. Hopefully it will be something that people will like to read, and starting this project again will help me remember that I can thank God I love what I do and that's why I want to do it. I want to take steps to keep making a business out of my passion from sucking the life out of it. By the way, I'm not going to cheat this time. 12:00 AM to 11:59:99 PM, one photo every 24 hours. It will take patience, endurance, responsibility and a bunch of other hard character building words, which is part of why I am doing it. I also think it will be fun.

Sober means not drinking or drugging and not being bored.

For years I joked that when Moses broke the first set of commandments and had to redo them, there was an eleventh commandment that got left off. It read, "Thou shalt not be bored." I pretended I thought it was funny, but in truth it was one of the driving philosophies of my existence. I lived my life in such a way that proved to everyone, including myself, that I would rather be in pain or trouble than bored. I couldn't stand silence. I couldn't sit still. The little everyday minutia of life was a torture for me. I hated my life unless I was in the midst of some excitement or chaos, and if there was none to be found, I would create some. One of the truest statements anyone ever said of me was that when I got bored, trouble soon followed.

But it wasn't so much that I hated boredom, as I believed, but that I was addicted to chaos. Hello, my name is Dalyn, and I'm a chaos junkie. I say it didn't truly have anything to do with boredom, because what is boring is abstract and subjective. At the same time, it had everything to do with boredom. Boredom remains my biggest enemy.

As a young man there was little I found more boring than sitting in a deer stand freezing my butt off. I hated it. I did it because I was also addicted to people pleasing, and I felt it would gain me approval from my father who enjoys to hunt. But at the very least I would sneak a book into the stand with me. I enjoyed reading, and it didn't really matter where I did it. But my little brother loved to hunt and could gladly sit on a deer stand for hours. On the other hand make him read philosophy while he was up there, and he would have been bored out of his gourd.

Webster defines boring as causing boredom. Ok, that's helpful. I hate it when people define a word with the same word. But they are right. If I definitely understand the meaning of boredom then I know the meaning of boring. It is whatever causes me to feel or experience boredom. So, what does Webster say boredom is? Webster says that it is the state of being weary or restless due to a lack of interest. How perfect is that? There is a quote that I feel puts it even better.

"Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is." (Thomas Szasz)

One thing I love about this quote is that it doesn't just tell me what boredom is but also serenity. This is important to me, because this helps me with the transition from just talking about how much trouble I had with boredom to what I needed to right about this morning.

I realized sometime yesterday that I don't get bored very often anymore. I do a lot of the things I used to consider boring, such as work and just sitting on the porch meditating, and I do a whole lot less of the things I used to do to attempt to evade the state of boredom. But I am still bored less than I have been for most of my life. How is that? Why is that?

Well, it is definitely a surprise to me. I also used to say that reality was boring, and, according to Webster, I was right. I was right because I had a serious lack of interest in reality, and that lack of interest caused me to feel weary and restless when faced with it. So when faced with reality I drank, I drugged, I avoided. So it surprised me to discover that I could enjoy reality and a "normal" life.

When I first got sober, boredom was one of my biggest fears. I could not imagine a life without chemical enhancement in which I was not completely bored and miserable. Even today, I must watch out for those feelings of irritable restless discontentment. Once they manifest in my life, if I don't correct what is causing them, it won't be long before I am drinking or drugging again. The truth is that I still can't stand to be bored. I still can not handle feeling tired and restless because whatever I am seeing or hearing or doing or what situation I am in is not meeting the need that I have and therefore I have lost interest.

If I quit drinking and become dry, the restlessness, the boredom, takes a few days to really start driving me crazy. That is why the beginning of my recovery was so rough for me. Because I wasn't doing any drinking or drugs, but I was still restless and discontent. So, what has changed?

For one, I am not dry but sober. What's the difference? Being dry is not drinking or drugging, while be sober is not drinking, drugging, or being irritable, restless and discontent. Dry means not drinking. Sober means not drinking or drugging and not being bored.

As I worked the steps of recovery, really worked them, a miracle happened. The hole that I had in my life that I tried for all my life to fill with anything and everything, including drugs and alcohol, got filled. The emptiness was gone. The isolation within myself ended. I no longer felt alone when I was alone, and more importantly I no longer had the life crushing loneliness and emptiness when surrounded by people. Fear no longer ruled my life causing me to live with a constant need for escape. When these things happened, the miracle happened that the obsession to drink and drug was removed from me. But I realized this morning that the removal of the obsession wasn't the miracle but the result. The true miracle was that my boredom was removed.

Sure, there are television shows that bore me. I turn the channel. There are speakers that I find hard to listen to, and I still don't have much desire to sit for hours on a deer stand. Some things just don't hold my interest. I still have boredom in my life, I just don't have BOREDOM. That all consuming, over bearing, driving restlessness and discontentment is gone, and with it went the desire to drink and drug. Because the reason I did drugs and drank in the first place was to try to kill the boredom in my life. Reality bored me. Fun stuff like roller coasters and sex bored me after a few times on the same ride. Quietness and nature bored me. God bored me. Hell, I bored me. Everything in my existence bored me after a while unless it allowed me to escape my feeling of just being tired of visiting this rock in space and feeling restless and discontent. I was dying of a terminal case of ADD because nothing could hold my attention long, because nothing filled the hole in my life I so desperately needed filled. Not people, not activities, and after a while, not even chemicals.

I filled the hole, and the boredom was buried. The obsession for chemicals is buried with it. So today, when I feel myself becoming restless and discontent, I realize I am beginning to allow that black hole to reenter my life. I fill it back up before I have to try to cover it with drinking or drugging. I do that by working the steps of recovery and through conscious contact with my Creator.

Are you dying of boredom and the things that you do to attempt to stop the boredom? Fill the hole and find freedom. Work the frigging steps. It works if you work it.

Starting The Day Over

A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a frigging horse!!There is a truck, a small SUV, and a mini van parked at my house, and not a damned one of them would start this morning. Thankfully my father was able to leave his job and come give Leah a ride to hers, because I'm running on about two and a half or three hours of sleep at the moment and couldn't even begin to think of a solution to the problem other than call my father. The truth is we have a horse, but he is in a field about ten miles away, and that is surely not a practical solution in this day and age. Leah might enjoy the ride to work, but where would she keep him while there? It's not like the poor animal can stand in the parking lot all day waiting, and I would worry sick every morning knowing she had to try to cross the craziness that is morning traffic on North Street in Nacogdoches on horseback. So, nevermind, I thought it was a funny way to express my frustration, but you can keep your horse, and I'll keep my little kingdom.

I also have a motorcycle. Like the horse, it's about ten miles away at the moment, but it runs good. I just don't have plates, or insurance, or helmets. And riding in the fall and winter without a cover for your face is a so not fun experience. To be perfectly honest, right now, at this moment, I have no idea what to do. No solution comes to mind. And that is frightening. I have begun a new business in which it will be very hard if not impossible to succeed without reliable transportation, and the motorcycle is not an option since it's not wise to carry all of my camera equipment strapped to my bike. Even a minor drop which wouldn't hurt me or the bike could be the end of my business if I were to do that.

It is difficult to keep my attitude right and find gratitude for the day when it starts so frustratingly rough. When a situation arises that opens the door to fear and frustration before I can even drink my morning coffee, it's so easy to throw up my hands and say well hell, there goes the day. There goes the month. There goes life. It's always been like this. It always will. My life has been a series of small tragedies broken up by larger ones. Poor me.

But that is so bogus. My life is good. I have someone wonderful in my life who I love dearly and who loves me. That is an amazing blessing, and I wouldn't trade it for a fleet of vehicles guaranteed to never break down or enough money to buy a new car every week and treat transportation like disposable razors. I have an earthly father who loves me and her and is able to drop what he is doing and come to our rescue. And while I'm talking about him, I might as well mention that the mini van belongs to my parents. I had borrowed it because my vehicle isn't running and I can't afford to have it repaired at the moment.

No, the truth is that my life is so much more than a series of minor tragedies and I have been and am truly blessed. I am simply frustrated, and when I become frustrated my natural inclination is to feel sorry for myself. It is also much easier for fear to overwhelm me. So, I know the problem. The question becomes do I know the solution.

When I first heard people in the rooms say, "You know, you can start your day over anytime you need to, as many times as you need to," I had to fight back the urge to laugh at them. What a ridiculous notion. If I could've started things over, I never would have stopped with going back to the beginning of the day. I would have gone back to the rocking horse. But the past is the past. It only exists as personal and collective memory. It is an intangible abstract idea, and therefore can not be returned to, changed, or lived in. Funny how it can weigh so heavily in our hearts and minds though.

I can not go back to last night and borrow a battery charger to make sure the van would crank this morning. I can not go back to this morning and call my father twenty minutes earlier so Leah would not have had to worry about being late and I wouldn't have had to worry about how to help her. I can't do anything like that. And that is not what is meant in the idea that I can start my day over.

Here is how I have to start my day over. It is simply an acknowledgement of reality and truth. The past is gone. Ten years ago and ten seconds ago are equally over. When I understand that and accept it, then I can let go of the past, even the past of five minutes ago that still has my adrenaline pumping. When I release the past, I am free to remember that each moment, each now, is the only time that truly exists and therefore this second is where I am starting from here on out. The past is gone. I am starting my day, my week, my month, my year, and my life over right this second and every second, whether I acknowledge it and live like it or not.

So, if my life resets and starts over every second, why do I not feel that way and why don't I get the benefits of that fresh start. Well, for one thing I said starts over, not fresh start. The law of cause and effect still stands. I can not free myself from negative consequences by saying the past is gone, true or not. Change has to occur. I have to clean up my side of the street. I have to stop doing the things that plant the seeds of disaster in my current now which will grow to fruitful crops of pain in a future now. I have to do the work. The past in which I threw the garbage on the ground in my yard may indeed be gone, but the trash will remain in every moment, in every now, until in one of them I stoop down, pick it up and throw it away.

But what about the disasters like this morning in which I have no part, where I did nothing wrong and couldn't change things? Well, how does it go? Oh yeah, accept the things I can not change. If grass isn't growing in my yard because the trash is smothering it, I can change that. Pick up the trash. If it isn't growing because it's winter, there's nothing I can do but accept that and wait patiently for spring. But how does that acceptance change the situation and how do I use that to start my day over? First, it doesn't change the situation. If I am still trying to change it, then I am not accepting it. It changes me and my attitudes and reactions and approaches to the situation and life.

Acceptance is how I start my day over, because it is the very act of acceptance that allows me to release five minutes ago. It doesn't still exist, so it's awfully hard to keep trying to carry it around. Oh but I try and I try sometimes.

Still there is that voice that says but if the law of cause and effect is still in play, if chain reactions do indeed occur, if things in motion tend to stay in motion, once things start going wrong in my day, won't they continue to go wrong? What good is letting go of the past and starting my day over if my fresh start is only going to consist of fresh new disasters? Firstly, I have to not be a drama queen. I haven't had a true disaster in my life in a long time. This morning was not a disaster. Everything worked out fine. I tend to confuse inconvenience with tragedy when it is happening to me. Secondly, there is no point in starting my day over without starting it correctly.

So the question becomes how do I start my day, either at the conventional start, or after a frustrating inconvenience, or at three in the afternoon? No, going back to bed is not the answer. But there is an answer. I just have difficulty remembering it at times when fear and frustration are bullying me.

Let's see. I believe I have had some instruction on the best way to start my day...at whichever point in the day that I am starting it. I should think of the time that is ahead, not try to live in it because it as impossible and dangerous to try to live in the future as in the past, but simply look and think for a moment to consider my plans for my new day. Before I begin, if I want to start things off right, I ask God to direct my thoughts, specifically seeking to remove myself from self-pity, and dishonest or self-seeking motives.

Okay, I ask God to remove self-pity, and surrender my will and motives so that I am not self-seeking but seeking to serve. This is how each new day, even the do overs, becomes a fresh start. This is how I break the chain of my own negative reactions that lead to further negative events and consequences. This is what frees me from the weight of the past so that if there are present frustrations in my new day they don't feel as heavy or overwhelm me since they aren't paired with what happened earlier in my heart and mind.

And in addition to the helpful guide above I have found other instruction on how to begin my day in Psalms 63. 1 O God, You are my God; [I acknowledge my creator and surrender my will and life to Him...if this sounds a lot like step three, there's a reason for that.]

Early will I seek You; [This tells me when I need to do this..early, as in first thing. If I am trying to start my day over, the act that makes it worth hitting the reset button is to do what I probably forgot to do the first start of the day and seek my Creator. I say I probably forgot to do that because I have found that I have less need to start over to free myself of fear and frustration when I have sought God first thing regardless of how much goes wrong during my day.]

My soul thirsts for You;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
2 So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory. [I have need. I am dying of thirst. My soul is dry, and I am tired, but I remember where my refuge is. I remember who provides and cares for me, and that is where I look for help.]

3 Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, [What reminds me to run to the sanctuary, the refuge, of my Creator is remembering that He does indeed love me and that I'd rather have His love in the midst of storms than have calm skies without that love that my soul has cried out for from my birth. Calm skies, peace and prosperity can not fill the God-shaped hole in my life. Only His love can.]

My lips shall praise You. [It may sound silly, but I believe that praising my Higher Power is of critical importance. Not because He needs it to stroke His ego, but because I need to do it to remember that it wasn't me that brought me this far, it wasn't me that made the miracles happen in my life, I didn't provide for myself in the past because I am powerless to do so and therefore don't have to feel pressured to do it now, because by giving Him the glory and thanks and praise for His providence, love and authority in my life I remain actively in a state of step 3...of the total surrender of my life and will to Him.]

4 Thus I will bless You while I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
5 My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips. [At this point I find myself satisfied as though saturated with abundance even if I am still in a dry and thirsty land, my soul is no longer dying and thirsty and hungry. If my soul is full and satisfied with the conscious contact of my Creator, then I can be calm, content and unafraid, and I can feel the frustrations begin to slide off my back. I can walk through a shit storm and not get any on me. I can see situation after situation fall apart and know that my life is good because my condition and contentment are no longer controlled by the level of convenience in my life or the lack of. I find I have a joy that can not be hindered or stolen away by negative situations in my material life when my spiritual life is satisfied. I seek satisfaction in my spirit through conscious contact with God, and my do over becomes a truly fresh and free start of the day at any time.]

Storms and Snakes

There is a story about a man who took a little ride on a ship. As he and the others on board crossed the sea, a huge storm rose up and battered the vessel to pieces. Almost everyone on board, even most of the lifelong sailors, believed that the ship would break up and that everyone would drown in the cold, rough water. They were half right. The ship did run aground and break apart, but they didn't drown. The crew and passengers were able to grab a hold of floating debris from the wreckage and ride the surf to nearby shore.

As they huddled wet and cold on land, the man who is the focus of the story, began gathering wood for the fire. He placed a small stack of sticks down only to discover he had carried a stowaway with the load. A very poisonous snake slipped from the stack and bit his hand. When the other survivors saw this they immediately declared the man judged and cursed of God. This type of snake's bite was always known to be deadly, and the others believed this to be proof that this man had never been intended of God to make shore. Some of the more superstitious even felt that this showed the shipwreck to be the man's fault. God had been aiming to get him and the others were innocent bystanders in a divine drive by. But when the man did not die as everyone expected, they believed him to be protected by and blessed of God.

Years ago when I first heard this story, my thinking was along the lines of this, "If this man was so blessed of God, why did he get shipwrecked and snake bitten?" Neither of these two occurrences sound much like blessings to me. This morning I see this story differently. There are a couple of things I can take from the tale today that are of great help to me.

The first is the shipwreck itself. While the storm was certainly not the man's fault, nor is God so incompetent and powerless that he needs to tear apart an entire ship to try to kill one man and then not even get the job done, the man's presence on board was a direct result of the choices he made. He did what he believed to be the next right thing in the service to his God time and time again, until these steps led to the moment the storm rose up and the ship's hull struck the sand bar. But it was the level of destruction that saved him and everyone on board.

I am confident that if the hull had been punctured and the ship had sunk it would have been terrifying as well, but I do not believe it would have been as much so, or at least not for as long. It takes a while for water and sand to batter a boat to bits. How long did the passengers and crew feel their foundation coming apart while knowing they were about to die? The rubble from the wreckage, that only existed because of the massive level of destruction, provided the life saving flotation devices that brought them all to safety.

Sometimes it is difficult for me to look at my life and not see anything more than pieces of rubble. What I believe had the potential for a blessed and productive life became wreckage on a grand scale because of the choices I made. Even though my choices were selfish and self-centered, and destructive to my life and those that I encountered, God saved me. Pieces from the wreckage of my past became the very materials that God used to bring me to shore.

I have started a business, and in today's economy I have reason to feel afraid. In many ways I can liken my current situation to setting sail in the middle of a hurricane. Unlike the choices that led to the destruction in my life that I mentioned previously, this choice was made unselfishly, with guidance and direction from others and after much prayer and meditation. I believe this is the trip God wanted me to take. But the journey in the above story was also one God set the man on. And his ship was torn apart. Mine may be as well, and this is not a comforting thought. What is a comforting thought is that if the ship goes down, it will be because somehow that destruction can bring more productivity into my life, more growth, and make me better able to serve and help others. There will be enough pieces for me to grab hold of and survive, because I know God has a purpose for my life that has not yet been accomplished.

This thought brings me to the second lesson I needed to remember. God has a purpose for my life. He created me with gifts and talents, and He gave me dreams that would better suit me for this specific purpose. I do not have to know exactly what that purpose is, just that it is. I have done everything imaginable to thwart and destroy the possibility of purpose for my life over the years. But I failed. I should have died several times. But I am still alive. I have suffered the beating of the waves and the cold of the water, but I did not drown. I floated to the safe shores of sobriety on the broken pieces of my life and found in the rubble the willingness and materials to build a new and better life.

Several times I have encountered setbacks on my road to recovery. I am not writing here of relapses but rather the loss of things that seemed necessary for this life worth living to continue. Relationships have died in storms that seemed to come from nowhere. Jobs have been lost or impossible to attain. Vehicles have fallen into need of repair leaving me without my own way to get where I needed to go. In these and other areas I have found myself snake bit. But the snakes thus far have only been mildly poisonous. I got sick, but did not die. Still, as I gather together my fuel, there is so often fear that there won't be enough and that in the midst of what there is, death is waiting to strike.

But today I see the wonder of faith that comes from knowing that God has a purpose for my life. He has seen me through shipwreck after shipwreck, the vast majority of which were caused by own design and my refusal to let a qualified Captain sail my vessel. Somehow I find myself safe from the waves and on land. I do not need to be afraid of the snake. God did not bring my safely through the storm to a life worth living to kill me on shore before His purpose for me has been fulfilled.

Hardships will come, and there might even be disastrous wreckage. I will have times of sickness and hunger and cold, wet miserable nights after them. But I do not have to be afraid of the shipwrecks or the snakes. They can both be ways to save me, to change the direction I need to go so that God's purpose can be fulfilled and ways for others to see the handiwork of God in my life and from that deduce that they too can pulled safely from the wreckage of their own misery and rudderless lives.

A Better Way To Compare

I feel blessed and exhilarated this morning. So many things have come together to make my life amazing and wonderful. And the truth is that I am a little surprised that I feel as such. I kept thinking this morning that I should be feeling different, more melancholy and afraid and much less satisfied. After all, that's how I felt a year ago today.

On this date last year I should have celebrated my one year recovery birthday, but at the time I barely had ten months. I remember beating myself up about that, looking at it as an example of falling short rather than celebrating the ten months that I had. While in some ways, my financial situation was better or at least more secure than it is now, I felt the weight and pressure of economic insecurity and fear for the future. I believed I needed to box up my dreams and shelve them so that they wouldn't get in the way any longer or continue to break my heart with the truth that hope deferred makes the heart sick. Basically, I made myself miserable last November 6.

As a reminder that I am still not quite right in the head, my mind actually tried to tell me this morning that I should be feeling in a similar manner to last year. After all, in some ways things are even worse. Instead of the two years I would have been celebrating if I hadn't screwed up, I am ten days away from six months. I actually have less clean and sober time now than I did at this point last year. Shouldn't that be depressing? Here's a hammer, why don't you hit yourself with it, something inside me insists on saying. And I could. I could find things like my inability to pay my bills, the weight of those counting on me to succeed, my relationships with family that may be worse rather than restored as I have hoped for for so long, etc. I could go on and on, because once I start looking for reasons to be disappointed, depressed and afraid, I can find them everywhere.

What I am most grateful for this morning, and that is saying something as there are many things I am extremely grateful for at the moment, is that this negative voice's sermon only lasted a moment before another voice instinctively pointed out how ridiculous the idea was that I should feel the same or worse than I did last year. This voice for which I am so grateful said, "Oh shut up and look around. You think too much." And then, just to prove myself right, I begin thinking about how I think too much.

Thankfully that didn't last long either, because it's hard to be all contemplative when you can't stop smiling. That was the evidence of my reality this morning. I can't seem to stop smiling. What a wonderful affliction. My life must be such hell. Not hardly. My life is wonderful today, and I thank God that I can not only see that but that my instinctive reactions are recognizing it before my brain that thinks too much can even analyze the information.

Do I have the two years that other voice says I should have? Of course not. I already acknowledged that I have less than 6 months clean and sober. But I am not depressed about that, nor should I be. I am thrilled to have the recovery time that I have. It is a miracle, and my sobriety is on a more firm foundation now at five and a half months than it was at ten months last year, thanks to God, the work that I have done and the help of a great spiritual adviser who has taught me and aided me more than she'll ever realize. My recovery is good enough today to be grateful for every minute I have rather than beat myself up regretting not having the time under my belt that I could have had. And as far as should of had goes, if it hadn't worked out the way it did, my life would not be what it is today. It takes what it takes.

Is my financial situation better? No. Not at all. This time last year, I certainly wasn't worried about rent money. I had no doubts about being able to provide Christmas presents for those I love. I could go on, but I won't. But last year's security was based on having nothing of my own, being taken care of by others, and not having anyone in my life to be responsible to provide for. I wouldn't want to go back to that for anything. There is something truly wonderful about sleeping in on a cold Saturday morning, cuddled up with the one you love and who loves you. I enjoyed it immensely and needed it. Last year the possibility that I might be able to do that was not even an option that I allowed myself to think about. The fact that I didn't believe it could happen hurt too much. Today I am blessed with a love the kind of which I felt I never deserved and had voided all rights to. I am so grateful for this wonderful relationship and even the feelings of responsibility that come with it. I was told recently that these feelings of responsibility and pressure are evidence that I have grown up and finally joined the ranks of the adults of this world. I guess it is about time. This body has been here for almost 40 years, shouldn't I have become an adult years ago? Progress.

Yesterday afternoon, I became legitimate, to quote someone very important and influential in my life. I filed my DBA, and Eclectic Imagery is now an official business. I have a business PO Box and a bank account and everything. I feel a bit like a child who has graduated from the easy bake oven with its warming light and mushy brownies to a real oven with the potential to cook real food and lots of it. So while my financial situation may be less stable, any new business is in a precarious place and it will take a little time for the stability to grow, for the first time in years, there is the true potential that I can soon provide for my own financial needs and for those of my family. I can contribute and be productive. I didn't have that a year ago.

I have new relationships that I never believed I could have. Many of the relationships that I have had longer, that I already had last year, are better now than they were, and so much restoration has occurred. As to the few that have not been restored or may even be worse, they don't hurt like they used to. This is because my relationship with God is so much better and stronger than it has been in the past and because I am comfortable with who I am in my own skin. I need the approval and adoration of others less and less. This is such a change from the driven people pleaser that I used to be that I hardly recognize myself at times. I am so grateful for this as well.

I have come to realize that gratitude changes and effects so much. My quality of recovery is based on the fruits I see in my life, the measurable progress, and the levels of happiness, joy, freedom and serenity I experience. It has nothing to do with the date that I state for my sobriety or some number on a chip or key chain or chalk board in a room somewhere. I don't need to regret my youth so to speak or feel inferior because of it. I can simply celebrate and enjoy the life my God has given me and be grateful for finally finding somewhere along the way in my journey a life worth living.

Encouragement or Burden?

Mark Twain once said, "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." That seems like good advice to me. The only problem I have with this idea and the solution presented is that the person most likely to belittle my ambitions and my chances of bringing my dreams to reality is myself. And I am awfully hard for me to stay away from sometimes.

This is why today I must cling to the truth that God has a plan for my life that includes me being happy, joyous, free and able to succeed. I am grateful for the gifts that He has given me that fuel my dreams, and I am grateful for the hope that I have today, which includes the idea that I can have a great life....one where I am able to love what I do, love those I have in my life (including myself) and make a difference in the lives of those I encounter. I am grateful for the people I have in my life now who counter that voice in my head that tells me I am worthless and will never succeed at anything other than failure.

Today, I accept with joy the opinion of those I love who believe in me and the idea that I can accomplish something worthwhile in my life because they see the gifts God has given me and believe those gifts should be used, and because they are better able than me to remember that He who began a good work in me is faithful to finish it. I cling to that and accept that they see something I can't always see, rather than allow their faith to fuel my fear of failing and letting them down. The encouragement of others can give me strength or add weight to my life. Which of these possibilities comes to pass has nothing to do with the person believing in me or what they say but with how I receive and respond to their support. That I can see this today and make a choice rather than being controlled by my natural instincts and reflexes is one of the greatest examples I have in my life of the positive changes that have occurred in my life and the progress I have made in recovery.

Lions and Panic and Fear, Oh My

I talked with my spiritual advisor yesterday afternoon. She really helped calm me down some so that I could focus on the solution to the problems that were starting to overwhelm me. I had almost reached panic mode, a very dangerous place for me. I for one can not think well and rationally about any situation that has me so afraid I am almost panicked. During our talk she told me that I needed to meditate on the second step, that I came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I did not have the objectivity to see that my thinking was not sane because of the fear. Fear does that. I realized I had begun heading toward the same kind of thinking that causes someone with a lump to not go to the doctor because they're afraid of what news they'll receive.

Now that's insanity caused by fear. To be afraid that you are deathly ill with something like cancer but refuse to go to the doctor because it scares you to much to hear those words is the absolute worse thing that can be done. But people do respond like that. Going to the doctor and hearing the word cancer will not make a person less afraid. It might make it worse. But with that also comes a step by step here is what we need to do from a higher power, in this case the doctor. I can handle fear when I have such an outline. I know you're afraid, but do this first, now do that, and don't forget to do this, and most importantly trust God because now you are doing what needs to be done.

Having a sound plan of action gives me courage. It is true what has been said about courage. Courage is not the absence of fear but to continue to do what needs to be done in spite of fear. I can find the courage when I know what needs to be done. But I need to know. I need that doctor to say set an appointment for chemo on such and such a date. I need a sergeant to get in my face and say I know you're scared but you're going to die if you stay here, so get your ass out of this foxhole, skirt those bushes and get up that hill. Without a plan of action I do not know which is the right way to move, and I hunker down in fear, refuse to move, deceive myself into believing that staying where I am at is the safest thing for me to do as the enemy gets closer and closer to getting my location nailed down with mortar fire. I call that understandable insanity. But I don't want to be insane. I want God to return me to sanity so that I can find the courage to do what I need to do.

And so I did the first thing of the step by step plan we came up with, and I meditated on God returning me to sanity over fear. In doing so, I recalled one of the greatest sermons I ever heard my father preach. OK, in all truth, even he laughs and admits it might have been a little too much and a little too graphic, and I know that he has preached many sermons with more profound truths about the grace of God. But considering that somewhere around thirty years later I still remember this little lesson, I have to consider it a great sermon. And for the little boy that I was at the time and my friends, we believed it to be the coolest sermon ever. It also happened to be true.

Many reading this may be familiar with the verse that says that Satan is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour and not really thought much of it. I never considered it as particularly profound before the sermon I mentioned. It simply meant the devil was a bad guy that wanted to kill me, right? Not exactly.

Before I go on, I would like to say that for the purposes of my little writing here it doesn't matter one bit if you believe in an actual literal Satan or not. I don't care. It doesn't change the truth. The enemy is a roaring lion.....Fear is a roaring lion. Doesn't matter. If it's nothing more than fear and there is no devil, the result is the same. If there is a Satan, who that believes that would argue that fear is not his prime tool of choice? So either way...

My father had read an article in Outdoor Life about African man eating lions. He used what he learned as a sermon illustration. It seems my conception about lions running through the jungle attacking people was a little off, and therefore my understanding of the verse about the lion was also a little off. Man eating lions are especially dangerous because once they get a good taste of human blood, they won't hunt anything else much. But it's not that they kill and eat humans that is the real lesson. After all, we knew that from the label man eating lions.

Here is the interesting part, the part that really stuck with me. These lions would wait right outside the village until darkness had fallen. we feel more vulnerable in the dark and everything scary seems that much scarier. Then they prowl around the perimeter on the edge of the light where they are safe from the eyes and arrows or bullets or spears of night watchmen, and they roar. That roar may not sound all that frightening when it's heard at a zoo, but in that situation it sends a chill to the core of those hearing it and fills intended victims with fear.

This is where dealing with lions with courage means taking the opposite action of what I described with the doctor and foxhole illustrations. Those that know what to do and keep their head enough to do it, don't move. They stay where they are. It is extremely rare for a lion to go into camp after a meal. There is too much danger. No, they will simply prowl and roar, letting their voice fill the air and ears with dread, until someone panics and bolts in the opposite direction of a particularly close sounding threat. About the time that they reach the darkness and underbrush around the settlement they get a quick reminder that lions rarely hunt alone as they are caught without protection, weapons or the ability to think clearly. The lions grab the person, and begin eating. Realize I did not say killing and then eating. They begin to feast while the victim still lives because there seems to be something about hearing your villagemate scream in agony as he or she is being devoured that makes it more likely someone will panic and run next time, even though logic would say that it would emphasize the need to stay put next time.

And that is the point. There is nothing logical or sane about running from a tent into the night when the lions start roaring. And there is nothing logical or sane about how I react to panic levels of fear either. But the scary part is that what panic induced insanity springs to mind at those moments seems perfectly logical and like the only sane thing to do. I need that objective perspective to remind me that I know that those who go running off into the night when the roaring starts get eaten alive. That way I can say, whew yeah, I remember now. I almost got stupid. OK, I'm staying right where I am supposed to. I may still be afraid, but I am no longer terrified and in danger of panicking.

Fear is a roaring lion seeking whom it may devour. It prowls around the outer edges of my consciousness, it weaves in and out around my safe areas, and roars. The sound shakes the walls and rattles the windows. It cuts through me as a cold wind leaving me shivering and afraid. It continues and continues until I simply can not take the sound any longer. I become claustrophobic within my own skin. I can't stay in this situation and location one more second. I can't stand it. I have to move. I have to do something. I'm going insane. I have to I have to I have to bolt. And then I am caught and the pain begins as what I was trying to avoid chomps down on my legs.

It's the truth behind the ridiculousness of horror movies, the real reason why the dumb blonde always runs into exactly the wrong place. Panic is the killer of sound rational thought. But that roaring that shakes the walls and rattles the windows is just noise. That's it, nothing more than empty noise. And when I can remember that and make note of what the correct plan of action is I can be afraid of what is causing the noise without panicking and providing its supper.

Teach Me To Wait

One of the promises of recovery is that the fear of economic insecurity will leave us, but this morning I am afraid and this fear has been growing slowly but surely. So what does this mean? Does it mean that I am off the path somehow somewhere in my program of recovery or that I am facing reality or something altogether different?

This is an interesting question for me, because I am not entirely sure of the answer or how to approach it. I know that to do the next right thing and follow the direction of my Higher Power keeps me in position to receive His help and blessing. He cares for me better than I can care for myself and both can and will meet my every need if I let Him. Part of letting Him is staying in position spiritually and in every other way to receive from Him. So when I am afraid I know that I need to trust God more. He has never failed me.

But even though God has never failed me, there have been many instances where I have walked away from His help only to find myself struggling in the dark to find my way. So when I find myself facing certain things I have to question whether or not I have left the path. I know that if something doesn't change in the next few weeks I will not have enough money to pay my rent and other bills at the end of the month. There is a part of me that feels life I should be concerned, yes even afraid. After all having the fear of financial insecurity leave is not always a result of a promise of good in my life.

Much of my life I should have been very afraid and insecure when it comes to financial issues. I say should have, because I wasn't. As a child I saw my family live hand to mouth, month to month, year after year. It became normal, and I grew used to it, but I hated it. I hated it because I couldn't have all the things that I wanted and that I saw my friends able to have. It wasn't a fear of not having enough but rather fear of not having what I wanted. I don't remember every feeling afraid that we wouldn't have a place to live, food on the table, heat and lights etc. This lack of fear was good. It came from faith in my father and faith in my father's faith in his Higher Power. And it never once failed.

My youth served as a wonderful object lesson on the faithfulness of God to care for those who are in His will. The problem is I always felt like I received some protection and benefit as a child that I didn't deserve. What I mean is I believed thoroughly that my father was doing what he was called to do and saw God take care of him and his family. I was a dependent of my father and therefore fell under that umbrella. My own needs were met because my needs were part of my father's needs. He needed to be able to take care of me, and God was meeting his needs. I just as thoroughly believed that if I had been on my own, that such would not be the case. I rarely felt secure or even hopeful that I was doing what God wanted me to do with my life. Even as a child I knew I was too selfish and self-centered for that. I lived for myself. I knew this even then, and so I understood that I could not live for myself and expect the benefits that come with living for God.

But there was another way I freed myself from the fear of financial insecurity. I turned into Scarlet. Tomorrow, I'll worry about it tomorrow. I simply can not deal with this right now, so I won't. I will escape in fun, in people, in drugs and alcohol, in fantasy and in any other way I could think of. I won't look at it, and I won't face it, because somehow if I don't acknowledge the situation and threat it won't be real. If I just keep on going and don't worry about it, somehow my luck will change or someone will rescue me. And I would go on about my life unafraid on the surface but a seething cauldron of fear below the surface where I refused to look.

Today, I am responsible and well enough to look below the surface. I do not have my Scarlet mask on, nor do I want to have it. I can not put off looking at my situation and also do the next right thing. I live in a world of cause and effect where you work for what you get, not in a fairy tale where some white knight is going to swoop in to take care of all my problems for me. My situation is not about luck, and therefore I do not need my luck to change. What I need is direction and assurance. I need assurance that I am indeed on the path God has directed me to take. So I need to take out the road map again and look at it. Did I take a turn somewhere. Did I take a wrong exit. If no, then I need to continue to travel down the road. But if the answer to that question is yes, I need to find a place where I can exit or make a U-turn. I need to get off the road I'm on before I get so far off course I won't have enough gas to get back where I need to be and I find myself stranded. And I need direction. There are some things about the map I have that I don't understand, and it would be good to understand them. I can see the road that the map says I should take plainly on the paper but when I look back up through the windshield I am not sure how to get to it, which exit becomes the right entrance ramp? I am unsure, and it is the uncertainty that causes my fear.

I want this fear and financial insecurity gone. No, I need it gone. I need to be able to take care of my family and reduce their stress, pressure and fear of how are we going to pay what we owe and where are we going to live if we can't. I need it off myself. But I want it gone for the right reasons in the right way. I don't want to not feel fear because I have blinded myself with denial or refused to take responsibility or even worse have actively found a way to escape the feelings without changing the situation. I want the fear to be gone because I have followed my father's example, listened to my Higher Power, lined my will up with His and therefore can know that I know that I know that I am in His will and therefore protected by His care and promises.

I know I need to take action. I have to do something. The problem is that I am not sure what I can or should do. And I am scared. But I also know and believe that if you seek the truth you will find it. So today, I face my fear and seek truth. God, good orderly direction is what I need, and I will try to find that before the panic I feel rising within me just makes me jump any which way my muscles happen to move when the idea of staying still and waiting becomes unbearable. When the fear makes me bolt I am in trouble because I am no longer able to think or listen. But when I stay calm and wait for direction and guidance...when I pause and ask for an intuitive thought, then I can see where I need to go and how I need to get there, I find myself energized and focused, no longer about to faint from fear, no longer confused and fumbling around without understanding. Teach me Lord to wait.

Don't Want To Get Run Over

Life has a practice of living you if you don't live it. --Philip Larkin

I used to say that I didn't care if I died sooner rather than later as long as I lived until I died. I meant it, but unfortunately I didn't have any understanding of what it meant to live. I thought "living" was living for myself and my own pleasure, that it was doing what I wanted when I wanted to do it, that somehow life was only worth living if almost every moment was filled with some sort of excitement, pleasure and or enhancement. But I wasn't truly living when I existed with this attitude. I didn't make any of my own choices. What I did and when was controlled by my circumstances, by what impulses were triggered. I was led through life by the nose, and the reason that I didn't care if I lived long or not was that despite the occasional pleasure, despite the excitement, and even with all the enhancement my life was miserable.

Today I thank God that I have learned to live. More than that, I have learned to live sober and clean. Living is not about some level of excitement or how much of the boredom of everyday life I can escape. It is about enjoying those everyday moments. Living is appreciating and truly taking pleasure in the still quiet moments as well as the fun and exciting times. It is about the joy that comes from helping others. It is the contentment of being able to love and keep myself company as well as enjoying the company of friends and loved ones. Living is finding relationship with my Creator and watching that relationship grow. Living is doing the next right thing and staying on the path that God has put me on and basking in the peace that doing so brings. But even if you're on the right road, you'll get run over if you don't keep moving. When I do the things above, I keep moving and making progress. I am driving down the road of life and following the directions that I have been given to ensure I reach my destination safely. It is when I stop even while staying on the right road that life has an ability to catch up with me and run me over. Today I would rather live my life as I have learned than take the chance of being run over by it.