Saying Goodbye to a Brother and a Friend

In the last couple of months of 2008 I walked into the rooms for the first time and began working the program of recovery that has without doubt made my life so much better today than I can express. But I felt somewhat like a fish out of water. Shortly after my introduction to the twelve step program I grew to love I found my first of several Spiritual Advisors. He gave me so much. One thing he gave me, for which I will always be grateful, was a solid, book-based, foundation in recovery. Another special gift was a brother.

I don’t use the term brother lightly here either. A fellow alcoholic addict had also recently started the program and submitted to the care of the same advisor. This slightly older than I roughneck truck driver scared me a little when I first met him. Guys like him gave me a lot of trouble, often violent trouble, throughout my life, especially the seven and a half years prior to our meeting. But Thomas J was different.

During the first few months of my journey, we spent a lot of time together sitting and talking, smoking cigarettes, drinking caffeine and encouraging each other to grow in the direction God was leading us. When some of my biological family continued to reject me because of my sexual orientation this tough old coot greeted me daily with a “Hey Brother, how you doing?” He listened to me and let me cry about the hurt and pain that consumed me. He encouraged me to keep fighting the fight and not give up. When people tried to exclude me, he said “fuck ‘em” and reassured me that I was exactly where God wanted me to be….in the rooms, clean and sober and finding a better way to live.

I have so many wonderful memories of this amazingly deep and caring friend. Two of my favorite blessings though stand out whenever I think of him. This straight, blue-collar, biker-type guy fought for my right to be where God had led me. He stood up in a demonstration of love and support for me in a way I never imagined anyone would, especially a couple of roughnecks (one other very special man was with him in this). During a rough time for me in early sobriety it appeared that some people felt I belonged elsewhere, despite tradition three, because of who I am, how I dress, etc. These two very masculine men painted their nails and said I belonged. As Thomas spoke in that meeting of how important it was to him that I know that I am loved and needed in my home group, I wept openly. I will never be able to express how much his words and the actions of those two men touched my heart and life. I stayed in the program because of what they did. I am sober today, in part, because of it.

Later, he asked me to ride with him to his father’s funeral in another town. The two of us shared and talked all the way there and back. I listened as he shared about how he felt and memories of his father. It was as special a time for me as listening to a fifth step, and he showed so much appreciation for my being there so he didn’t have to go through that alone. I never could convince him that it did more for me than it could possibly have done for him. But he was like that. Quick to see the good in others and show his appreciation for the little things. I learned a lot from him about being grateful for the small things, the mini-blessings and miracles that make life worth living.

This afternoon I learned that yesterday health problems that stemmed from before recovery finally took a final toll on Thomas. He passed away. But he did what he told me on the trip to his father’s funeral he wanted to do. He died sober after reuniting with his family. Success. He reached the goal that meant so much to him. He is finally completely and truly happy, joyous and free. I believe that. So a part of me is happy for him, a small part. The rest of me feels the hole left in my life by the loss of a true brother, mentor and friend. I ache and weep at yet another life cut short by this vicious disease. There is forgiveness, there is freedom, there is a life worth living, but there are also consequences to what we do to ourselves over the years that we delay seeking that out. I believe with all my heart because I heard him say it to me personally and in many meetings that Thomas would want anyone who heard or read any of his story to use it as encouragement not to wait, not to play around, not to half-ass the program of recovery. If alcohol and drugs are ruling your life, please know there is an escape, there is freedom. You can live while you’re still alive. And quit before you do so much damage that the years of freedom are cut short. But if it is too late for that, work it anyway. Because even if you only have one day free before you meet your maker, that’s one special day worth living.

Thank you Thomas for all that you did for me, all that you taught me, all that we shared. Thank you for being my friend and my brother. You will be missed but never forgotten. I wish I could see you get that oh so special chip from your Higher Power…the one that says I finished my life safely traveling Highway 164.…clean and sober. I pray that I am able to follow his example and do the same.