No Longer Living For Others

I always hated being controlled by other people. At the same time, I desperately craved the approval of others. It's a seriously dangerous and deadly combination. For one thing it only added to the powerlessness of my life. I either did things I did not care for or want to do in an effort to please or impress people or I did things in an effort to scare them or irritate them or show that they could not make me do what they want. The rebellion aspect of the last constituted most of my actions by the time I reached my teen years, but it was there all along. The problem is that even when I am doing exactly the opposite of what I am told to do or what others want me to do or what I perceive others want me to do...I am still being controlled by others. My every action is actually a reaction. Reactions are not me they are my response to outside stimulus. So of course the outside stimulus is what is controlling me. Along with being more controlled by others instead of less came low self-esteem from repeatedly doing things and trying to be someone that I did not like or truly want to do and believed to be wrong. Either that or I measured myself in the mirror of others opinions of myself and could never measure up. The A should be an A+, the single base hit should have been a home run, the first place photo should have been Best Of Show, etc., etc., etc.

Today I no longer have to live this way, and I truly thank my God for that. I do not have to let my actions be dictated by others....either by the need to please or the need to not please. I don't have to fight. I do not have to react. And most of all, I do not have to live up to my or any one's standards of perfection. My God accepts me and loves me as I am, but loves me to much to leave me unchanged. Therefore He designed a path of progress and growth rather than miracle transformation to perfection. Since He has not made me perfect He doesn't expect me to be perfect. If He doesn't, neither should I.