Don't Sweat The Small Stuff ~ With Image 72

Don't sweat the small stuff. But what's the small stuff? When in the middle of a situation that feels overwhelming or disatrous, everything around me appears big through the magic magnifier in my mind. But the truth is most things simply aren't that big or important. I can live without a lot of the things that seem important to me. Luxuries such as the computer I am typing on are not truly life or death essential or "big stuff." What is going to matter in the eternal scheme of things? My relationship with God, and my relationships with those He has blessed me with. These are the big things. These are the areas I need to sweat and take action to preserve and improve. If something goes wrong in relationship with my Creator, I need to sweat it. I need to make sure I react in love and care for others. Everything else....yes, everything else is the small stuff I need to remember to accept whatever comes and not stress over, worry about, and most definitely not damage the important things over. When I remember and live this simple truth, I find more blessings and serenity in my life than I can number.

Dreaming

God gives us dreams and goals so that we have something to live for, something to aim for, and most of all, something to work for. But anything worth dreaming of requires work to bring it about. It also requires an engineer. Since it is impossible for me to manage my own life, or anyone else's for that matter, any dreams, goals and plans that God puts in my heart are also there to provide me with opportunities to exercise both faith and submission. He gives me a chance to build faith in the idea that He has placed desires in my heart that He wants me to have as He takes me to a place where I am happy, joyous and free. And also these dreams give me a chance to remember and exercise faith that what the engineer of my life has begun He will complete. But faith without works is dead, and faith without submission is meaningless. When I take the action to turn my will and my life completely over to my Creator, I find the guidance and wisdom necessary to make my dreams come true. When I simply take my dreams and run with them without waiting for God's guidance, I destroy them, and even those dreams given to me by God turn either to insubstantial wisps of wish or, worse yet, nightmares.

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Image 68 ~ Blessed Day

God is good. It always amazes me when I receive blessings I did not expect, do not deserve, or had given up on. Today I got a blessing I hadn't expected to receive anytime soon. I found out yesterday that my sister-in-law, who I had not seen in a long time, is in Texas. Actually she is about 30 or so miles away. This afternoon I got the treat of being able to talk to her over coffee for a few hours. We laughed and talked, I nearly cried a few times, but hey I felt like it was kinda a Hallmark moment. I also was able to introduce her to my significant other, which I am especially grateful for. I have missed my family and prayed for an opportunity such as this. But only when I relaxed and stopped fretting about when it would happen did God give me the desire of my heart. This is a theme I am seeing a lot of lately. Seek relationship with Him first, and all these other things will be added to me. Seek the things, relationships, blessings, etc. and my life becomes a train wreck where I don't much of anything good. I hope that I am able to remember this always and not get off track again any time soon. It's been a good day, and I feel truly blessed. Are all my problems solved? No. Is everything perfect in every relationship and situation? Not even close. But things are better today than yesterday, and after all it's about progress, not perfection.

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Spent some time today with my cousin Scott, who is visiting from Virginia.

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Celebrated Christmas in July today with the family and had a seriously wonderful day.....made out like a bandit too :) Texas Tech throw (handmade <3 ), Tinkerbell plate, jugling balls, an Astros stuffed animal, and a Texas Tech travel mug.....c'mon football season!

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I recently found out that a friend of mine who happens to be a guest of the state of Texas found out how unfair the system truly could be. He already knew of course, but this the first time, or at least the first time in years, that he has been the one getting screwed over rather than one of his fellow inmates. He learned the harsh truth that standing up for your legal rights in a corrupt penal system can quite often cause retaliation that will cut your legs out from under you so that you can not stand and rip out your heart so that a piece of your soul dies. It's funny, ironic funny, damn sure not ha ha funny, that to teach men who fail to abide by the law of the land the state places them under the control of a system that often fails to follow the laws and regulations that govern it and breaks many of the same laws that cause the beds to stay filled.

My friend has given up. I pray not forever. There is a reason why so many men who make one mistake come out of prison like angry animals and newly formed career criminals. The soul wrenching dehumanization that they are subjected to leaves room for little else without the grace of God. Don't get me wrong, I believe a man should be punished and held responsible for his crimes and that the punishment should fit the crime. Criminals should not have an easier, more comfortable life than hard-working citizens who live right. But if you chain a dog and then beat him while he's chained day after day, don't be surprised if he becomes vicious.

I see men who are basically decent but got wrapped up in addiction come out of prison sociopathic criminals who don't care about the laws they break or the people they hurt whether they are sober or not. It breaks my heart. Hey, let me anger some people and say I support the death penalty. I believe in jail time, and I damn sure don't want to do away with prisons. We need many of the men that are there caged a lot longer than they will be. But Texas and other places would be better served in the long run, in my opinion, if men that could be reformed by being freed of their alcoholism and addictions were treated rather than caged with the animals that need those walls and thereby transformed into like beings. This situation and the destruction it brings to these men, and yes women as well, their families, and society as a whole angers me.

This afternoon it filled me with a rage I thought had died away. Things I thought had been forgiven suddenly felt fresh and alive again. Memories of an 18 year old boy in a county jail, picked up on drunk charges, curled up in the fetal position crying after being beaten by a man who would do 25 years for a serious crime came flooding back. A 12-Step speaker's story of being picked up for public intoxication and being raped in jail before being released the follwing day popped into my head as well. It's bad enough when the serious criminals these men and women are housed with abuse them. When the people hired to protect them and maintain order are the ones doing the abusing and violating the rights....it pisses me off. There is no nice way to describe how I feel.

Unfortunately anger is a luxury I can not afford. It poisons me as it grows into huge trees of hatred and resentment that then block out the light of the spirit to my soul. I can't live in the shade. In the dark I get drunk. I get high. I have ot stay in the light. And therefore I have to forgive.....again. It's just that sometimes I don't know how.

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Let's see....woke up, check. Big Book, check. Laptop with access to online scriptures and meditation readings, check. Huge tub with warm water, check. Picture window through which to gaze upon the morning sunlight, trees and birds....check. Houston we are cleared for morning meditation...Countdown...10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1...ahhhh, thank you God

No Longer Living For Others

I always hated being controlled by other people. At the same time, I desperately craved the approval of others. It's a seriously dangerous and deadly combination. For one thing it only added to the powerlessness of my life. I either did things I did not care for or want to do in an effort to please or impress people or I did things in an effort to scare them or irritate them or show that they could not make me do what they want. The rebellion aspect of the last constituted most of my actions by the time I reached my teen years, but it was there all along. The problem is that even when I am doing exactly the opposite of what I am told to do or what others want me to do or what I perceive others want me to do...I am still being controlled by others. My every action is actually a reaction. Reactions are not me they are my response to outside stimulus. So of course the outside stimulus is what is controlling me. Along with being more controlled by others instead of less came low self-esteem from repeatedly doing things and trying to be someone that I did not like or truly want to do and believed to be wrong. Either that or I measured myself in the mirror of others opinions of myself and could never measure up. The A should be an A+, the single base hit should have been a home run, the first place photo should have been Best Of Show, etc., etc., etc.

Today I no longer have to live this way, and I truly thank my God for that. I do not have to let my actions be dictated by others....either by the need to please or the need to not please. I don't have to fight. I do not have to react. And most of all, I do not have to live up to my or any one's standards of perfection. My God accepts me and loves me as I am, but loves me to much to leave me unchanged. Therefore He designed a path of progress and growth rather than miracle transformation to perfection. Since He has not made me perfect He doesn't expect me to be perfect. If He doesn't, neither should I.

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New entry for gratitude list....thank God I finally have stable and fast internet service at home. :)

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Second Chances

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.
--Fredrick Koeing

I don't know if Mr. Koeing stated truth for most people, but he sure nailed the way I am all too often. It's so easy to think about all the things I've damaged in lost over the years due to my selfishness, self-centeredness, rebellion and reliance upon chemicals rather than God, or even things that have been taken from me by others, and then to think if I could salvage those things or regain them all wiopuld be well. But it is never about the things, the relationships, the status I may have had in the past. The past is gone. I can not regain or repair it. I can however clean up my side of the street, rebuild relationships (especially the one with God) and move on. It's not about getting back to anything I once had or was but living in relationship and submission to my Higher Power today.

When I remember that and live for the relationship with God, when what is best for that relationship is my guide for the decisions of my today, I find blessings and serenity inn my life. I become happy, joyous and free. And when my focus is not about getting back or replacing something special that I destroyed or lost, I have found that God often blesses me with what I chose not to focus on...a second chance.

I destroyed my career, but I can still work. And I believe that God can and will direct me to employment that I love and that will meet the financial needs I have for myself and my family. I hurt people, damaged and destroyed relationships. But today many of those old relationships are being rebuilt and I have amazing and special new relationships as well. I lost material things that I now realize were never that important in the first place and find that the things I truly need I have or will get when the timing is right. God gave me a chance at a dream I have had since I saw how my father loved my mother, and I butchered it, destroyed it, broke it beyond repair. I can not change that. But as I sought God first in my life and quit trying to make the dream come true myself, He gave me rest, let me dream the dream again, and then He gave me a second chance. Today I am grateful for that and will try to remember that the blessings in my life today are a gift from God and not the result of anything that I have done.

Image 60 ~ Blessing

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. ~ Proverbs 31:10-12

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Thanks to the suggestion of a very good friend, my morning meditations will be much more serene. The clip-on Off mosquito repellent seriously works, and this is now one of the top items on my gratitude list.

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Oh the joys of puppies, sigh. But when that is about the worse thing that happens all day, I figure it's been a pretty blessed day.

Escape Through Sanity ~ 7-14 entry that couldn't be posted yesterday

Blaise Pascal said, “Most of the evils of life arise from man's being unable to sit still in a room.” I agree. I don’t believe that being unable to sit still is evil, but there is no doubt in my mind that my discomfort in my own skin, my inability to be still and quiet had much to do with the destructive thoughts and perspectives that more times than not ruled my life in the past. During the moments I would find myself in the peaceful eye of the storm I would move toward the chaotic wall of wind tearing around me. Chaos somehow felt safe. I knew deep down that I was powerless and had no control. The insanity was I felt better about that when nothing around me had any sense of control either.

Today I feel differently. After a few days of pure chaos around me I realize that for perhaps the first time in my life I truly despise the destructiveness of that state. For years I would have joined in the storm, fed it while feeding off it. There is a rush to a good storm. There is a sense of power that comes with the adrenaline that is produced by staying constantly in a state of fight or flight. When I felt so powerless, so unable to control anything in my life, my mind would create scenarios where I needed to flee or fight so that I had that illusion of power and control. When that didn’t work, I would find real danger, real violence, and outside chemicals to produce the same effect. Either I found a false sense of power and control or I made it so it seemed that no one had any more of those two things than I. I would tear apart the universe to deprive those I resented having control over me of power. I came so close to destroying myself in the process.

Today I know a better way. Today I know that my strength is not in chaos. My power does not have to be illusion or found in destroying the structure around me. I don’t have to find freedom from the control of others in my life by destroying all possibility of control. My power comes as a gift from God. It is His, from Him, and to be used to help calm the storms of life rather than fuel the winds that blow through it. My peace is not in the absence of the storm but in the surety that God will bring me safely through it. But it is still such a relief when the storm has passed and I am anchored safely in the peaceful cove, listening to the birds, watching the calm settle back into place and finding the time to get still and quiet with God and say thank you. There is little I can think of that is more refreshing and restful than that.

Share Let The Wind Blow by The Imperials

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Up this morning to be at work at 5 Am....saw the sunrise while at work and grabbed this shot. Guess ...God compensated me for being up way earlier than He ever intended for me to be awke if I had already gone to bed.

Image 51 ~ Ok Is Sometimes Enough

I don't really like this image a lot. I have better shots of deer....somewhere. This doe was too far away for the lens I have, but I had to try. She stood in the middle of a field peacefully grazing right at a time I needed a reminder that there is peace to be found in this world. I was so emotionally upset at the time I saw her that I could not keep my hands from shaking. Only a couple of the 65 frames I shot are sharp, but I did get her. Is it a great shot? No. There's nothing especially beautiful or amazing about it at all. But then again, when I felt like I was completely falling apart and losing myself within myself and my pain, God let me see her, and despite my shaking hands, let me appreciate her presence and capture the moment with at least one useable frame. It is enough, and sometimes enough is all I need.

Image 50 ~ Hummingbird

Saying Goodbye to a Brother and a Friend

In the last couple of months of 2008 I walked into the rooms for the first time and began working the program of recovery that has without doubt made my life so much better today than I can express. But I felt somewhat like a fish out of water. Shortly after my introduction to the twelve step program I grew to love I found my first of several Spiritual Advisors. He gave me so much. One thing he gave me, for which I will always be grateful, was a solid, book-based, foundation in recovery. Another special gift was a brother.

I don’t use the term brother lightly here either. A fellow alcoholic addict had also recently started the program and submitted to the care of the same advisor. This slightly older than I roughneck truck driver scared me a little when I first met him. Guys like him gave me a lot of trouble, often violent trouble, throughout my life, especially the seven and a half years prior to our meeting. But Thomas J was different.

During the first few months of my journey, we spent a lot of time together sitting and talking, smoking cigarettes, drinking caffeine and encouraging each other to grow in the direction God was leading us. When some of my biological family continued to reject me because of my sexual orientation this tough old coot greeted me daily with a “Hey Brother, how you doing?” He listened to me and let me cry about the hurt and pain that consumed me. He encouraged me to keep fighting the fight and not give up. When people tried to exclude me, he said “fuck ‘em” and reassured me that I was exactly where God wanted me to be….in the rooms, clean and sober and finding a better way to live.

I have so many wonderful memories of this amazingly deep and caring friend. Two of my favorite blessings though stand out whenever I think of him. This straight, blue-collar, biker-type guy fought for my right to be where God had led me. He stood up in a demonstration of love and support for me in a way I never imagined anyone would, especially a couple of roughnecks (one other very special man was with him in this). During a rough time for me in early sobriety it appeared that some people felt I belonged elsewhere, despite tradition three, because of who I am, how I dress, etc. These two very masculine men painted their nails and said I belonged. As Thomas spoke in that meeting of how important it was to him that I know that I am loved and needed in my home group, I wept openly. I will never be able to express how much his words and the actions of those two men touched my heart and life. I stayed in the program because of what they did. I am sober today, in part, because of it.

Later, he asked me to ride with him to his father’s funeral in another town. The two of us shared and talked all the way there and back. I listened as he shared about how he felt and memories of his father. It was as special a time for me as listening to a fifth step, and he showed so much appreciation for my being there so he didn’t have to go through that alone. I never could convince him that it did more for me than it could possibly have done for him. But he was like that. Quick to see the good in others and show his appreciation for the little things. I learned a lot from him about being grateful for the small things, the mini-blessings and miracles that make life worth living.

This afternoon I learned that yesterday health problems that stemmed from before recovery finally took a final toll on Thomas. He passed away. But he did what he told me on the trip to his father’s funeral he wanted to do. He died sober after reuniting with his family. Success. He reached the goal that meant so much to him. He is finally completely and truly happy, joyous and free. I believe that. So a part of me is happy for him, a small part. The rest of me feels the hole left in my life by the loss of a true brother, mentor and friend. I ache and weep at yet another life cut short by this vicious disease. There is forgiveness, there is freedom, there is a life worth living, but there are also consequences to what we do to ourselves over the years that we delay seeking that out. I believe with all my heart because I heard him say it to me personally and in many meetings that Thomas would want anyone who heard or read any of his story to use it as encouragement not to wait, not to play around, not to half-ass the program of recovery. If alcohol and drugs are ruling your life, please know there is an escape, there is freedom. You can live while you’re still alive. And quit before you do so much damage that the years of freedom are cut short. But if it is too late for that, work it anyway. Because even if you only have one day free before you meet your maker, that’s one special day worth living.

Thank you Thomas for all that you did for me, all that you taught me, all that we shared. Thank you for being my friend and my brother. You will be missed but never forgotten. I wish I could see you get that oh so special chip from your Higher Power…the one that says I finished my life safely traveling Highway 164.…clean and sober. I pray that I am able to follow his example and do the same.

Image 49 ~ Still Working

Still working, thank you God. Still praying for better job, but glad I didn't act rashly and just quit and that I was able to not react to boss acting...well, I didn't react and by the end of our talk today we were close enough to ok that I can handle being there a while longer until I find something else. I truly am grateful for the chance she gave me and for the job. But I hate the politics, and there's just something seriously wrong with busting your ass for over 40 hours a week and still qualifying for food stamps. But it's so amazing how not talking back or reacting can calm someone else down and diffuse a potential disaster.

False Advertising

Things don't always work as advertised or expected. I see this every day. Just this morning I found a painful example of this truth. I like to do my morninng meditation outside. It helps me connect. This morning however, being outside only distracted me. The dive bombing mosquitoes which have always been bad here were the worst I have seen so far. In a matter of seconds they covered me with bites and when I would look up from my reading I saw black swarms worse than flies around food on a summer afternoon. I lit a tiki torch and tried to continue with my quiet time and cigarette. The bites didn't seem to slow at all. I felt a mosquito on my foot and looked down to swat it. That is when I saw three mosquitoes perched on the edge of the tiki torch. So much for repellant.

I am so grateful that God is not like that tiki torch, even though I lived like He was for years. The spiritual program of recovery He has given me has done everything advertised and promised....and then some. It has not just set me free from the bondage of alcohol and drugs, but it has set me free totally to live, to love, to be of service to others. Because of the free and unearned relationship I have found with my Creator, I don't merely breathe and exist today. I can live. And remembering that I can trust the promises that come with relationship with God can and will continue. I will try to hold on to this truth and the trust that comes with it when I walk back into work this afternoon and have to deal with the aftermath of last night. I will try to walk in love since I know that anger only clouds my judgement and cuts me off from the sunlight of the spirit. I will try to stay peaceful and calm knowing that I don't have to defend and protect myself because God can and will do a better job of that than I ever have or could. And I will pray that God gives me the wisdom, strength and grace to actually succeed at what I just said I know I need to do.

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I am so thankful to God for the wonderful, refreshing and special time I had during the first part of the day today. Tonight everything went to hell, and if I had not had that prior reminder of the love and care and providence of my Creator, I probably would have shot myself in the foot. Not really, I just would have quit my job with no notice, and actually, shooting myself in the foot would probably have done less damage to my life.

I can not let anger run my life. I can not let people who are sick and wrong have that much control over me. But I would have done just that if the things I said and wrote had not come quickly back to mind. I am on a path to a beautiful life. In truth, there is beauty and wonder and serenity in my life already. I know it can and will get even better if I continue to do what I know I need to. But just because God wants me happy, joyous and free....just because there is a beautiful place on the horizon that gives me the encouragement to stay on the path God has put me on doesn't mean that I won't ever have to trudge up hill to get there. God grant me the serentity to be patient, wait for your guidance and direction before making hasty reactive choices and to accept the things I have no control over, the courage and willingness to do something about the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference....and opening the door to a better job would be nice too, if it's not too much trouble. Thanks.

Image 47 ~ A Miracle Gift

Today after my morning meditation I went to take some photos. I needed that time. First, because there’s something in my make up that needs that creative outlet, that needs to express itself. It’s also a part of my life that helps me to connect with God and that I like to share with others. Basically, I just used a lot of words to say my photography is important to me. The other reason that I needed to take that time is that I did not have a chance to shoot any yesterday, and I want to stay on schedule with my project 365. I needed two images today to be current.

A few weeks ago, shortly after starting Project365, I saw a roadrunner while driving down a county road in search of images. I couldn’t get him. He quickly retreated away from the road to a distance my 200mm lens could not reach effectively. It frustrated me. I have been after a good shot of a roadrunner for years. Today, while driving down a road on the opposite end of the county, I came across another roadrunner.

I had not even thought of taking a picture of a roadrunner today. In fact, the reason I chose the road in the first place had nothing to do with the possible wildlife in the area. I went down that road in the hopes of finding a useable angle from which to shoot this amazing tree I’d seen from the highway. I didn’t get the tree that caught my attention, but it took me down the road that gave me my roadrunner after all these years.

I almost missed him. I drove by and saw a second before it was too late that there was a roadrunner sitting on a fence post. I never would have looked there if I’d been looking for a roadrunner. Every one of these birds that I have seen in the wild has been on the ground or flying short distances low over the grass. I did not know that they perch on things several feet off the ground. And my lack of knowledge would have caused me to miss the animal had I been looking for him.

But I did see him. I stopped the truck, backed up, and grabbed my camera. I fired off several frames from several different angles, moving the truck to change angles, and the bird sat there and watched me. When I felt I had all I would be able to get at that time, I turned the camera off and set it down. Immediately the roadrunner glided off the post to the ground and scurried off. In a matter of a few seconds after I turned off the camera, he could no longer be seen. It felt as though he had waited there for me, then waited for me to get the photograph, and then went on about his day. I felt so blessed.

It struck me that this event served a purpose. There is something I needed to learn or be reminded of through this special moment. I wasn’t thinking about what I wanted to shoot or going off of any list of images I want to capture. I set out with no clear idea of what I wanted other than that I wanted to find an image that meant something to me. I wanted something that helped me to connect with God on a personal level and that might bless others as well.

Over the years I have taken days and went looking for roadrunners. While I have seen a few, I have never been able to shoot a useable image of one. Today I went looking for God, and He gave me a roadrunner. This is how it’s supposed to work/ When I seek God, He gives me the desires of my heart. The desires that are good for me, that will further my journey towards becoming the man I was created to be will be realized. Those that do not suddenly are no longer desires of mine. I find that by surrendering to God and seeking Him first rather than other things keeps me from being denied anything.

When I don’t get what I want when I want it I can choose to become angry and afraid. But when I let it go and just try to let God guide me, I will find the things I need when the time is right. I chose not to keep driving that other road hunting a roadrunner shot, even though I felt frustrated at missing one again. I let it go. Then in an entirely different location, when I needed it most, there was the image I had so longed for. Not only that, but it was an image I had never imagined and that was better than what I had desired. I wouldn’t have posed that shot so well if I could have, because it never would have occurred to me to put a roadrunner on a fence post. God gave me the desire of my heart, but did it one better. I can have that in every area of my life, security, jobs, relationships, even recovery as long as I put my relationship with God first. Today served as an object lesson than if I pursue my own goals I will only sell myself short on what God wants to give me. I will always treasure this photo because of that revelation.

Remembering God Has and Will Provide

I find myself growing fearful, not a good state for me. But it’s not necessarily a bad state either. What determines whether my fear is good or bad is my reaction to it. I do not believe it is a sin to have questions, doubt or even fear. And yet I know that it is not God’s will for me to be afraid. If I recognize I am afraid and use that fear to spur me toward God and to look to Him for the answer and solution to what is making me afraid, then my fear becomes a good thing. Anything that brings me closer to Him is a good thing.

On the other hand, when my fear causes me to try to manipulate and control the situation or to try to force a solution that I think is needed, then I am walking dangerously and am at risk of losing my way on the path. I can not look to myself, my own solutions, or anyone else as a way to solve my problems and ease my fears. My only true refuge is in the protection, care and guidance of a loving God.

I must remember to be grateful. Gratitude does not mix well with fear. I know that when I can be grateful for what God has already given me and done for me that my faith grows stronger. God has not failed to provide me with what I need. I may not always get what I want, but my needs have been met. When I remember that and am grateful for those things God has done then it is easier for me to trust that His care for me will continue.


Andrae Crouch *My Tribute* (To God Be The Glory) "Live"

Filling the Void

All my life I had an emptiness within. I like to call it a God-sized hole in my heart and life. When I filled it with relationship with my Creator, life went well, but it never lasted because I had problems submitting to any authority, even God’s. When my relationship with God waned, I tried to fill that hole with other things. Anything. It didn’t work, and I became a slave to substitutes for spirituality.

It’s funny how the refusal to submit is what turns me into a slave. I don’t always understand the oxymoron that to be free I have to surrender, but I see the evidence of this truth. When I submit to the will of God, try to love and care for others rather than have others meet my needs, then I find myself free from the bondage of self, others and addiction. It goes against my nature to submit to anything, but when I change enough to trust God and give Him control, my life is better.

Images 44 - 46 that I couldn't post the last few days due to connection problems

Image 44 ~ A New Guest





Image 45 ~ Happy Birthday America!!




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Seeing God In Reflection ~ Image 43

After some much needed rain I walked into the parking lot where I work to take out some trash and smoke a cigarette. I saw the price sign reflecting in the puddles scattered across the asphalt. Since I hadn’t taken a photo for the day yet and my day had pretty much solely consisted of morning meditation and work, I felt the image an appropriate photo to sum up my day.

But as I manipulated my exposure to capture the image I realized I could not do it the way that I wanted to. I could not set my exposure so that both the sign and the reflection were both right. I set my aperture and shutter speed to best show the reflection since that is what caught my attention in the first place. But the resulting image showed the sign a little too bright to be well defined, for the color to be accurate, for that part of the picture to be clear.

It struck me that God is like that. I can’t see Him until I see His reflection in something else, whether that be something in nature or another person or a work of art or something else. It is in the reflections of life that my limited capabilities to see can observe God. When I try to imagine or see Him directly I can catch a glimpse perhaps, but the understanding is always there that the light is too bright for me to see clearly. I know my perception of the colors and edges and wonder of God is off. My eyes can’t see.

Just as no camera can see the full range of the human eye, my human eyes can not see the full range of the spiritual either. But that is not an excuse to not see God. His image is reflected all around me every day. I just have to be willing to look for it.

Shrinking the Problems

I made a meeting last night, for which I am grateful, and someone said something that triggered revelation in me. Sometimes I am a little slow. I say this because I should have realized this truth a long time ago. During the few months of misery before I went back out I knew there was a problem. I did not however know what the solution to the problem was. It angered me when people told me that if I concentrated on the problem the problem would get bigger, but if I concentrated on the solution the solution would get bigger. Why did this make me angry? I did not know what the solution was, and no one I talked to could tell me. They told me the answer was in the first 164 pages of the Big Book, but I couldn’t find it. I got more and more frustrated. How could I concentrate on the solution when I did not know what the solution was?

But while I may not always know what the solution to my problem is, and therefore can’t concentrate on it, I do not have to focus on the problem and make it bigger. I do not have to let the problems in my life run my life and overwhelm me. When I trust God, I do not have to be afraid that the solution will not come. God provides all that I need, including answers and solutions, when I trust Him, allow Him to guide and direct me, and do my part of the next right thing and being of service to others.

The Big Book says that selfishness and self-centeredness are the root of my problems. All of them. I am the problem. Not my debt. Not the way I am treated by others. Not my inability to see the future. I am my problem. So when I use the steps to get outside myself so that I am of maximum service to God and my fellow man, I get out of myself. I find freedom. And when I am no longer the center of my own universe, my problems don’t seem so big and I am more open to see the solutions that God provides.

Enjoying the little pleasures and time with God (Image 42)

One of my favorite scriptures from the Psalms over the last 10 years has been one that states, “If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.” Psalms 139:8 I clung to this verse for years as I endured a hell of my own making. It gave me hope that even though I deserved my situation to an extent and definitely had no one else to blame but myself, my own choices, and my own actions…even though I had chosen the path that led me to hell and then made my own bed there, God wasn’t sitting back saying, “You made your bed, now you lie in it.” He was saying to me, “You brought yourself here, but I will still never desert you…Peace, be still, I am here.”

This faith and hope gave me the ability to look for God, for joy, in the little things. During the worst times when I found myself completely surrounded by fear, anger, confusion, hate, loneliness, and all sorts of other negative emotions and people I discovered small gifts of freedom, pleasure,and joy from God. These I relished and treasured.

One of those little gifts was Blue Bell Rainbow Freeze popsicles. For several years, when I had little in the way of special treats or pleasures, once every week and a half or so I could get one of these tasty treats. They brought back the emotional freedom of a wild and free child running through the front yard with popsicle juice streaming from hand to elbow and dripping onto whatever happened to be under that elbow. They were a taste of fruit that I could not have, both physically and mentally.

There are not many things I treasure from that time period in my life, but the Rainbow Freeze is one of them. During my morning meditation today, as I ate my first of these popsicles since the end of 2008, I am reminded of a loving and faithful God who carried me through the harvest of a crop I never should have sown. While the just nature of my Creator did not allow me to escape the consequences of my actions, the merciful nature that tempers His justice kept me from going through it alone. Despite that I deserved no mercy, grace, or relief from a God I had thumbed my nose at and turned my back on, He gave it. He kept me safe, carried me through, and provided me with enough little pleasures scattered over the years to give me the strength to endure, to keep running the race.

Today I will use this memory and affirmation to remind myself that I have many blessings in my life, and that the little blessings, the tiny joys that let me slip totally into the now and bring relief from the negative circumstances surrounding me or reinforce the positive situations, these are gifts of God. Those little escapes give me the strength to keep trudging the path and not look for total escape in the oblivion of drugs or alcohol. My hiding place is in God and the gifts of love, joy, and peace He gives…both great and small.

Image 41 ~ Rainbow Freeze

Blue Bell Rainbow Freeze popsicles! I just love these things. A blessing I could be grateful for during a bad time in my life is now a simple pleasure I can still be grateful for. And the place I work just put them on sale 3 for $1. :)

Image 40 ~ Got a new puppy (as of now, unnamed)

Image 39 ~ Full Moon

I just love the full moon. There's something about it that's spiritual to me. I always feel closer to God, better able to release my fears, doubts, hopes and dreams to Him under the full moon.