Peniel - Day 3...9:45pm

In my search for recovery and healing, I am specifically looking for the truth in two areas. The truth about me. And the truth about God.

I know now that a significant amount of my pain is the result of believing things about myself which are not, were not, true. Choice after choice, act after act, I have declared to the world I hate me. Underneath that self-loathing, somewhere is a lie that I swallowed, hook, line and sinker. While it might be nice to actually love myself, I would be much happier with just seeing and accepting an accurate view of myself, my worth. The good and the bad. And then feeling the appropriate feelings about that view. No longer downplaying the good while exaggerating the bad would be a good start. But I want to achieve this by truly healing, not convincing myself with logic or mantras that something that goes contrary to the core of what I believe about myself is actually the truth. That might work for a while, but something will come along to shatter the illusion. It always does. No, I want to find the core of that belief and change that.

I believe that all of us are essentially spiritual beings who have an instinctual hunger for relationship with God. I know I do. I love God, and the vast majority of the time these days I deeply believe that he loves me. But even right now, when I am totally and completely relying on him to guide me, teach me, heal me, get me through this, there is an element of distrust. A lack of faith. There is even some anger and resentment directed solely in his direction. There is a part of me that says I don’t want to submit to your will or do things your way because you let me get hurt, you let me get broken, and then you let me make it worse. You let me destroy myself, and then you even refused me the escape of death, leaving me here to suffer alone. I know this is not an accurate portrayal of the God I believe in, but there is still a part of me that feels just that. Why? Because in my pain, loneliness, sense of abandonment and confusion, I have bought a lie about my creator. I seek now the truth about the one I surrendered my life to.