Peniel - Day 1...9:33am

God, I know you’re real. I know you’re “out there” and in us and pretty much everywhere, but I need you to reveal yourself to me. I want to know you. And I ask for you to reveal myself to me. Who I am. Who I can be. Help me to settle once and for all my value and worth. Finally, I ask you to prepare me for love that’s right. Not me losing it for someone unavailable or who doesn’t feel the same for me and making him or her and myself miserable, not settling for comfort, companionship and sex without the glue of love to make it wonderful and last. Not substituting sex for love and just trying to fill the void with someone, anyone, usually someone more broken and sick than I. And most of all, not shutting down where it’s okay to be alone because I no longer want and need to share my heart and life.

Surrounded by nature the songs of birds remind me that I have never doubted God is. And the evidence of how my life has changed in the past year, how my heart has changed, my direction in life has changed, my passions have changed…these things tell me that God is also real and active in my life. And all these changes have been improvements, and my life is better. So why do I resist further change and growth, especially since not having it is killing me as surely as my addictions were?

Could it be that I have lost some of my desire for change because the wonder and awesomeness of my relationship with God has grown old? The passion of relationship reduced to something I need to do to maintain my sobriety and get through life? God I don’t want that. That sounds like religion, and I hate religion.

Any relationship of any kind must grow and develop or become old, dry and boring. Friends drift apart in new and separate directions, romantic relationships die as one or both involved reach out for the new and exciting or simply something with fresh potential. Relationships fail when we don’t keep them fresh.

When I don’t maintain a true, heart-to-heart connection with God, where I am being honest, open and real with him, then anything spiritual I do is just going through the motions. It’s dead ritual. I have to regularly dig deep inside myself and pour my guts out to God. Allowing any distance allows staleness to creep in, and part of me begins to wither like a flower in need of water.

I’m not talking about “you need to pray every day” or “pray this (insert prayers of choice here) every day or in such and such situation. That can too easily become restrictions and rules, which I’m not fond of, it becomes a rut, traditional and ritualistic. That’s not what I’m looking for. I want a living, vibrant relationship with God, as I would have with a best friend, only better. And please, any friend who comes to me the same way, saying the same thing, day after day, won’t be a best friend long. That’s not a relationship. I don’t want to go through the motions with God. God I want to be real with you. I don’t just want you in my mind as a concept or tool, I want you in the very center of my heart, at the core of my life. I want you to be real right now, today, and everyday.

I’ve been told by some my approach is wrong. I have the wrong attitude. I can’t sit out here in the woods, demanding contact with God, ready to argue and fight and struggle till something in me understands and can change. It’s not respectful enough, or something. I don’t know. They seem to think I should ask God for guidance and wait to receive it. Ask for relationship with God and wait to receive that too. That word receive. Sheesh. Such a huge part of Christianity…have you received Jesus…ask and you shall receive…and so many more sayings have Christianized Americans who don’t even believe in Christ agreeing with those who do that we are all supposed to sit quietly and wait for God to give us things we need, things we will then receive. After all, it’s not polite to grab.

Forget that attitude. The meaning of the word receive in the Greek the New Testament was written in means to get a hold of, to seize, to obtain, to take hold. The Greek word says we don’t sit back politely, wait for God to move in. It says to receive God we take hold of him. Receive is an action word. I don’t care who it offends, Because I don’t believe it will offend God, but I intend to seize him, to seek, find, connect with, grab hold of, and not let go.

So that’s what I want to do. But what do you want from me God? I think you want every piece of me, not just my mind and puppet-like obedience, but my heart, my life my soul, my passion, my every little bit of who I am. I think you want to direct my life to where you are the center and I am not. And I think that meshes well with what I said I want.

And I do want it. I want it enough to come out here and make it happen or die trying. And yet it frightens me terribly. I’m not totally sure why, but it does. That idea goes so far beyond belief.

I admit I am afraid. And that part of me resists this idea of, well, complete and unconditional surrender, even now. But I know I have to do it. I have tried holding on to some of my old ideas, to myself, and I have received the fruits of doing so, a lack of results. It isn’t working. I must let go absolutely. Half measures have availed me nothing. I stand at the turning point and ask for God’s protection and care with complete abandon. Still, I am afraid.

Lord, I’m tired of just knowing in my head that you’re real. I need you to change my life. I ask you now to come and take control. I give you every part of my heart, soul, mind and life. it’s no longer me in charge, but you. That doesn’t mean I won’t ever balk at all or that I won’t at times try to take something back. But if you’ll help me when I do, I will do my best to move forward again and to give back what I took back more quickly every time. Change me from the inside out. You’re the Lord, the King, Queen and all authority. I surrender to you. I offer myself to you, all my hopes, dreams, fears, doubts, positive attributes and character defects…all of me, to build with me and do with me as you wish. Free me from the bondage of self, that I may better serve you. Take away my difficulties, that my victory over them and freedom from them may bear witness to those I would help of your love, your power, and your way of life. May I do your will always.