Peniel - Day 2...closing

I am hurt, and I am angry. Those symptoms I talked about this morning, full blown flu-like pain. I nearly tried to kill a man tonight. Instead I chose to walk away. And though it was the right thing to do, part of me still thinks I'd feel better right now if I'd shoved that machete through his guts.

My beautiful, ideal, isolated camping spot where I can get down to the nitty gritty with God, be vulnerable with my creator, cry or scream or both without audience or interruption is, temporarily at least, a thing of the past. Once again, that past I’m supposed to be able to forgive myself for, to accept God’s forgiveness for, accept my part in, do what I can to make it right and then go on with my life free of, bit me in the butt. People keep telling me to tell people I’m not serving a life-sentence. But that’s bullshit, because I am. And standing by watching this game warden trash my campsite searching my place was a quite nice reminder of just that. I had every right to be there, and the officer even acknowledged that as he made me leave. That gratefulness I had a phone signal of some sort in case of emergency got a whole lot bigger tonight as I called my father to make sure I was in the right before standing my ground when the deer hunters on the next property over took issue with my being there.

I did the next right thing. I left, when I could have forced the issue. I’ll let the officer check out the legalities come Monday, and when it’s all cleared up, I can go back in and no one will be able to make me leave again. But in the meantime, all the pain and hurt of having to stand there while an officer tore through my property after living that powerlessness for seven and a half years came back like a flood. Is there nowhere I can go and have peace?

All I wanted was some time in isolation alone with God. I spent the evening with lights in my eyes and rednecks worried about their petty right of way fight with the land owner of the property I was camped on. I got caught up in someone else’s fight, which I knew nothing about, when all I wanted was some peace and quiet and solitude to connect with God. And yes, there’s a part of me that’s not real happy that God let it happen in the first place. But that’s one wound I don’t have to dig very hard to find. The torment and powerlessness of prison did quite a number on me.

That stupid yahoo that wanted to get in my face and bully me has no idea how close he came to seeing a side of me he never wants to see, no idea how hard it was for me to lock that fighter that lives in the back of my brain out and stay in control and turn and walk away and wait for the game warden to come and settle the issue. I could have stayed. Even the officer admitted that. But it could have led to problems while there is any question about which of us was right, the man who owns the property and told me I could camp there or the men who want to run even other’s little piece of the world. When it’s settled, I can return and the rednecks will simply have to deal. If they actually get stupid enough to come down to my camp to harass me, I’ll let the fighter out. He hasn’t had any fun since I got out of prison.

Ok, that’s the wrong attitude, I know that. I’ll settle down soon. I am just angry, hurt, and feel oh so violated. But I have another place where I can continue my quest. And maybe if I get done what needs to be done inside me spiritually I can have healing even in this area. I can find freedom for once. This new place isn’t near the awesome, beautiful wilderness I had, but at least it’s safe from harassment. I’ll be okay here for a day or two. I don’t know if this event actually hindered or helped what I’m doing. There’s no doubt it brought many of the frustrations, fears, and hurts that I’m dealing with right to the surface were it will be easier to scream at God about them from. On the other hand, believe it or not, I think there are more important wounds, older wounds I need to deal with, and unfortunately, those will have to wait, as my anger will allow me to think of nothing else but this current straw sitting upon my camel-like back.

I’m going to try to get some sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll bring it all to God. Work it out. Write it out. Pray, cry, scream, whatever it takes. But I haven’t changed my goal. Like Jacob at Peniel I will not release my fight with God and let him leave until he blesses me, teaches me, changes me, heals me…and if I walk with a limp the rest of my life, so be it.