I Shall Return

I reached a breaking point. I got a few days relief with the idea of a chance to support myself, but the situation and problem goes so much farther than finances or love or any other outside situation. Something inside me needs to change. Has to. I’ve been broken inside for too long. I have lived a life hearing that I am special, have so much to offer, have such special gifts, etc. and never really believed it. Or when I did believe it, I didn’t believe it had anything to do with me…what good I have, potential, gifts, whatever was always for the benefit of others. I didn’t deserve it. Look at it like a psychic being unable to use their gift for personal gain but always only for the benefit of others. Not that I’m psychic. If I was…nope there’s that personal gain thing again.

Anyway, I need to fix what’s broken. I need to find a way to love me. To believe that I am someone worthy of love. It has little to do with relationships, although it’s effected all of mine. Little to do with finances, or labels I wear, or sanity or anything other than I seem to have been born retarded in the self-esteem department. Somewhere I bought the idea that I am worthless, and I regardless of the positive changes I’ve made, I can’t seem to be able to shake it. And I can’t live like this any longer. Even finding a connection and relationship with a God I most times believes loves me has not improved things much when it comes to how I feel about me. But somehow I know that’s where my answer lies. I didn’t get to hit the road and chase the American Dream, and maybe that’s because that was a surface issue. What I need to chase is a little healing. A little grabbing of cloak and screaming I won’t let go until you bless me, until you heal me. I need to be that broken man on the side of the road repeating Son of David have mercy on me so often and so loudly he can no longer be ignored. A little I’m standing here until you make me move.

So I am going to the woods. No internet. No phone. No people. No distractions, although I may take my camera. A few days. God and I we’re going to have a little chat. Something in me has got to change. It may even be my insistence that God has to do things my way. But we are going to walk together and fellowship and fight and struggle and commune and love each other, and I will find Him here and who I am in Him, with Him, who I am in general. I told a friend a few minutes ago that I would meet with Him here or there, and I meant that. I believe if you truly seek you’ll find. I’ll be happy to seek in the woods, but I’ll knock on the gates if I have to. I will have my audience with my Creator. Arrogant? Perhaps. But I don’t believe so. I believe it’s just the lack of protocol that comes from pain and total desperation. I believe in a God who understands and responds when someone finally gets to the point that they’re willing to storm the gates of heaven if that is what it takes but they will settle for nothing less than a response from Him and time with Him and reaching Him will do. I don’t believe my God is ready for a face to face with me just yet, so I figure I will find Him in the silence.
But my selfish focus on myself and my pain and my fear has caused me to hurt and frighten those I love more than I love myself. Obviously that doesn’t take a lot. But it is still unacceptable. I can not be that person. The man who runs over and damages others, especially those he loves, trying to escape the burning house. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make it right or find forgiveness for the damage I’ve done, but maybe, just maybe I can find a way to fix what allowed it to happen in the first place.

So I close this entry, and this blog for a few days, with a song that so often has helped get me through times like this. In fact, it was purposefully the last song I listened to before I surrendered myself to the court and began my prison term. The song is “I Shall Return” by Govt. Mule. It’s worth giving a listen. Check it out here -- I Shall Retun - lala or I Shall Return on youtube with lyrics

And for those who can’t or don’t want to listen to it, here are the lyrics….

As this wheel goes 'round and I search to find my way
Struggle just to hold on through an ordinary day
I do believe I'm slipping away

But I shall return though I'm losing myself
I shall return
I shall return from the depths of my own hell
I shall return

Fate should not have blinded me
For your beauty steals my eyes
and what good is my wisdom
when there are no words to say
How I feel everyday

But I shall return though I'm losing myself
I shall return
I shall return from the depths of my own hell
I shall return

Daylight finds me sleeping dreaming of my youth
But darkness calls my name out loud
And I answer to the truth

But I shall return though I'm losing myself
I shall return
I shall return from the depths of my own hell
I shall return

Oh, I shall return though I'm losing myself
I shall return
I shall return from the depths of my own hell
I shall return

(It really is better with the music…ta ta for now, be blessed dear reader.)