Fairy-tale Dreams

I’ve been told many times over the past year to avoid certain states of being. Too long or too much of being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired can be quite dangerous for me. I believe this is because when I feel these things, my energy, focus, attention, etc. is on myself while my defenses are lowered making me unable to escape the self-centeredness that is the root of all my problems. The other day I heard someone say he has no business being lonely today, because of his relationship with his Higher Power. The idea behind that statement is that if one’s relationship with God is right there is no loneliness. God is enough. That spiritual connection brings fulfillment and completion in a way that meets every need. In some form or another I think I have been taught that my entire life. For a few days now I have been asking myself the question do I really believe that?

And the answer, I’m afraid, is no. No, I don’t completely believe that. My thoughts travel to the scriptures and the Old Testament. Adam in the Garden of Eden, surrounded by perfection, his every need met, with a perfect relationship with his creator, was not complete. Adam lived the very relationship God intended to have with the created, perfect fellowship. They walked together, side by side in the cool of the day. Fear held no power. And God said then about the subject of the one man who had total and unblocked fellowship and communication with the Creator, it is not good for man to be alone. It is not good. Fellowship with the Creator was not enough when it was perfect, can it, no should it truly be enough in my life today when the relationship, communication and connection is not even close to the perfection of the Garden?

Of course, I believe Adam and Eve had it easy when it came to picking a partner. Every time I hear someone say I wouldn’t be with so and so if they were the last person on Earth I think ridiculous. Of course they would. When there is but one choice there is no choice. But how do you make that choice when there are billions of people on the planet. How do you know?

Experience tells me not to trust entirely on emotional responses to people and relationships. Emotions fluctuate like the tides and are unreliable. Feelings can change, be hurt, and are effected by fears, hopes, the past, and so much more. And the language of the heart can never be spoken in a logical dialect. Pure reason and problem solving comparisons won’t yield much fruit in the garden of love. Yet they can’t be ignored completely either. And no matter how much our brain tries to tell us to measure the weights of the good versus the bad, to examine percentages of how much a relationship is good and healthy against the bad and destructive, the damaging and sick, the heart, which despite all biological evidence to the contrary, has a mind of its own, so often refuses to listen. What then is acceptable? Like a soul living in two timeshare condos, do we live in hell for the majority of the year to enjoy a few weeks in paradise from time to time? How much pain do we have to endure before the heart even agrees enough is enough? There is much to be said for comfortable and secure, and not so bad, and close enough. There can be contentment in the soft glows of embers that isn’t always there in the high flames of passion. But is that enough? It is not good to be alone, but is it therefore good to be not alone if it’s not the ideal? Can a relationship be right if it is not two becoming one? I’m not talking so much about marriage. I’m talking about one person being totally happy putting the other person first at least half the time, to wanting the best for the other person over their own desires…and receiving the same in return. At which point does compromise become a liability? I wish I knew. Love as a mutually beneficial relationship between two people. An experience that is comfortable and warm and full of contentment in the glowing embers but also has times of high flames, energy, and passion that do not come just from sex or at the expense of one or the other people involved. Is that fairy-tale nonsense or the way things are supposed to be, can be? Part of me feels I’m too old, seen too much to believe in fairy-tales. But most of me wonders if life can be worth living without that very hope.