End Of The Year Ramblings

I don't think I am unlike the average in that as the year winds down I start doing a review of how things went. For me, this process began  about a week and a half ago, a little before Christmas. Depending on the day or the minute I looked back, this was either a pretty darn good year with quite a bit of progress in several  areas that I have been praying about, or it was a rough year and my Pollyanna perspective on progress made was naive and foolish because things aren't any better. But what actually happened in 2012 is locked, done and unchanging. What is changing to cause the fluctuation I listed above is my attitude, my perspective and the amount of self-centered thinking I am allowing to occur.

In January I celebrated my one year anniversary of my marriage to Leah. That's a blessing. Sometimes I still can't imagine how I got so blessed. This is most certainly an amazing testimonial of God's grace in my life, because I had certainly not done anything to earn or deserve such a perfect match for me or a good relationship at all, much less a second chance to be a husband. Leah is amazing, and the almost three years we've been together has been so wonderful. I look forward to celebrating our second year anniversary next month.

In January I lost two special people in my life, Derrin Montrose and Crystal Rose. Leah and I still feel that loss almost a year later.

February is normally a hard month for me, and one that in my drinking and using days my intake of mind altering substances usually at least doubled. This year had the added pain of Crystal's birthday so landing so quickly after we lost her. But in many ways this was the easiest February I've had in over 20 years, and I made it through without having to fight the desire to drink or drug.

In March, I turned 41, and I actually see that as a good thing. I never expected to live this long, and those that know my story know that it is a miracle of God that I have. More than that though, I never expected to be glad to have lived that long, if by some miracle I did. For years I hated my birthday because I hated my life. Today I have a life worth living and can celebrate the day of my birth instead of seeing it as a curse. I am so grateful for that.

Sometimes it's easy to feel sorry for myself when I think about April. Leah's birthday was in April, and I wasn't able to get her what I wanted to for her birthday or do any of the special things that I imagined would be nice to do. We simply didn't have the money, which served as an excellent diving board into the pool of self pity, since my contribution at this point was as "house husband" or "domestic engineer" and I hadn't brought any income to the table in a while. But that is me feeling sorry for myself or angry at the wreckage of my past. Leah appreciates what I contribute to our home. And she and I had a good time together celebrating her birthday. I know that I need to continue to work on determining my value based on what God says about me and not on how I perceive the world or society would determine my worth, or by money, or not on my past.

In May I celebrated my two-year sobriety anniversary. The longest period before was 15 months. In May I extended my previous record by nine months and celebrated being clean and sober for the longest time period since I was 13 years old. On top of that, the days and months following two years continued to be smooth and fight free when it came to the obsession to drink or drug, or rather the lack of it. I am grateful.

In May I also started a recovery oriented chapter of the No Rules Riders RC. I am pretty proud to fly the No Rules Riders patch on my vest, but the chapter patch I designed is far more special and important to me. I lived my life to raise hell for far too long, and now, thanks to finding relationship with my Creator and working the spiritual  program of recovery and the 12 steps, I can be a part of the God's miracle work in razing, meaning to level or completely destroy, the hell of bondage and addiction. I once was a prisoner to alcohol and drugs and so much more. Today I am free to ride the road of happy destiny, a twist on a quote from the Big Book, and not only am I free, but I can help others find that same freedom. It worked for me, so it can work for anyone who works it.

In June, the Hell Razer chapter NRR made it's first recovery run. A simple little ride with some friends to a meeting about an hour and a half from home. It turned out to be a God-thing. Their speaker for the night didn't show, and the guy who rode with us ended up speaking and sharing his 20 plus years of recovery experience, strength and hope. I am so grateful to have been able to experience God working in such a way.

In July Jesse Rayne came into our, mine and Leah's, life. This was somewhat a silver lining of losing Derrin and Crystal, as we never would have met Jesse had the other not happened. Jesse has been a real blessing to me and Leah and become one of my best friends. I am grateful for him.

In August I wrecked my motorcycle when a college student pulled into my lane on a wet weekday afternoon. There's one that could have easily been a serious negative for the year but really wasn't. I walked away from the wreck. Ok, I rode away in an ambulance, but after some cat scans and x-rays, I walked out of the ER a few hours after the wreck. That's good enough for me. I received no serious injuries in the wreck, and I am grateful to God for that. This wreck turned out to be a blessing in and of itself as the CT Scans showed some spots on my lymph nodes. That caused some fear and anxiety as one might expect, but it reminded me to rely on God. I didn't feel the need to escape or change my reality. I didn't figure I was dying so might as well burn out. In other words, I handled this baffling situation in a way totally opposite to the way I had always reacted in the past. God's miracle working power continued to be demonstrated. Several months earlier I had admitted in a meeting that I didn't know if I could stay sober facing a life threatening illness such as cancer. In August and the following month and a half I had to face the very real possibility that I would find out. My program didn't fall apart, and God remained faithful.

In September God made a way for me to have the treatment I needed. Leah and I met with the Thoracic surgeon and scheduled the biopsy for early October. That brought new fear as I hate going under anesthesia. But once more God was faithful. I felt peace instead of fear the morning of the surgery. Everything went well, and a week later I learned that I had received grace once more. I didn't have cancer. The disease that was causing the problem in my lymph nodes was not life threatening if treated, and it is treatable. Thank you God.
Suddenly I felt even more grateful that I hadn't thrown my recovery away in valley of the shadow. The light revealed that death would have to wait a while. Had I returned to my drinking and using only God knows if I would have survived another relapse.

In November I celebrated my fifth Thanksgiving since prison and my third with Leah. Reviewing the previous few months I had plenty to be Thankful for. Leah and I learned that her son and his wife are going to have a baby and saw the first sonogram of our grandchild due in June. Hell  Razer NRR participated in the local Gypsy MC Toys For Tots Drive and helped that worthy cause.

Suddenly Christmas was upon us. I survived yet another apocalypse, and fared much better than I did the last one I survived. I got to see both my brothers and their families. Things came together just right for Leah and I to be able to see her son and his wife. We didn't get to see her daughter this year, but Leah did get to talk/text with her. I had the blessing of being hired to shoot not just one but two weddings this month. Through the blessing of Facebook I learned that my nephew had to have emergency surgery this morning to remove his appendix and that the surgery went well.

For ever horrible, scary or bad thing that happened during the past twelve months, I can easily see God' hand in giving Leah the grace and strength to go through it. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for my life with Leah. I am grateful for my recovery and how it stood the test of some pretty serious trials this past year.

I am not one who makes resolutions. The victory I have had in my life and in my recovery is not my own. It is proof that there is a God and that He has power that I do not posses. Everything that I determine to do on my own or in my own strength is pretty much a set up for failure. But I do have some goals for 2013. I hope to grow even closer in relationship with my Heavenly Father. I hope that whether 2013 is great or horrible or the mixed bag that most years are, my program will remain strong because my conscious contact with my Creator will not be broken.

I hope to write more frequently and regularly. I hope to ride more and worry less. I hope to use my camera more in creative and artistic ways and also with the result of contributing more financially to my family.

I hope to share my experience, strength and hope more and to help others who suffer the way I used to suffer to recover from alcoholism and addiction. I hope to be less critical and more loving. I look forward to becoming a grandfather and hope to be a better husband, son, brother and  friend than I have been. I hope to continue working the spiritual program of recovery in my life so that these things that I hope for have a chance of coming true. Basically I have hope for 2013, and that is also a miracle because I am grateful for the hope I have today and four years ago hope was near the very top of my fears list.

Thank you God for the miracles and progress in my life over the past four years and especially over the past 12 months.  I am grateful that I know that the good in my life comes from you and that I haven't earned it, because that frees me from the weight of having to earn its continuance. I am grateful that You have begun this good work in me and that You will be faithful and are able to complete that work. Thank you from freedom from fear of the future and from having to measure up. Thank you for 2012, the good and the bad, and for the chance to see what 2013 will bring. My I be faithful to calling with which I have been called and may I do Your will always. Amen.

Time For Repairs

It's Thursday morning, and I am feeling much better today than I have since the surgery on Monday. I feel blessed to have been able to continue to maintain my daily spiritual routine not only Monday but every day after. Though my dosage of pain killers is extremely low the presence of narcotics in my system and on my bedside table have motivated me to be extremely concerned about my spiritual state over the last few days. I am recovered of a hopeless state of mind and body that leads to my drinking and drugging but I am  not cured of the phenomenon of the craving that is activated by the introduction of chemicals to my system. I know that I am not immune to the dangers of using simply because I have a legitimate reason and doctor's orders to use. Nor will the illusion of control that comes from following prescription times and dosages provide safety. I have a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. The key word for me here is maintenance.

There are two parts to maintenance. Regular inspection and care is one. With a vehicle this would include things like checking air pressure in tires, checking the fluids, checking the belts, etc and then taking the proper steps to correct anything that isn't right. With my spiritual program this includes starting my day with prayer and mediation, reading and studying recovery and spiritual materials. keeping an eye on the "spiritual gauges" as I go through the day so that I know quickly if and when I fall into self will, and making the proper adjustments when I do, and ending the day in review and prayer.

The second part of maintenance is tied with the last part of the vehicle maintenance. There are times when checking everything reveals a problem. Other times something that isn't on the regular check list breaks down or shows some sign of problem. To keep the vehicle properly maintained I must repair the problem as quickly as possible. Continuing to drive while something  is breaking down can cause serious damage to other parts of the vehicle and could cause an accident. Spiritually there are times when problems are revealed during normal checking and other times a situation reveals the problem. Regardless of how I learn of an area where the is a problem with my spiritual life, I need to repair it as quickly as possible in order to maintain my spiritual condition and conscious contact with God, and as a by-product maintain my sobriety.

Last Friday morning all my gauges red lined. Leah and I went into the hospital  to make the financial arrangements for my surgery and to do the pre-op tests. Within the first few minutes of talking to the woman in the financial office I snapped at her. I became angry. Leah attempted to calm me down and get me to check myself. For some reason, this only increased my foolish anger. I calmed down enough to work things out at the office, but the bitter taste of anger remained in my mouth and my attitude worsened. Leah bore the brunt of my emotional state I am ashamed to admit. I snapped at her. I raged against self-restraint creating a dangerous energy that scared my wife. She has been blessed to have escaped witnessing what I was like  when anger boiled just below the surface of my life at every moment and fueled almost all of my actions and reactions.

Most of that anger was quelled when I took my first fifth step. More died later as I learned how to better recognize and release resentments. But some, obviously, has not yet been rooted out and dealt with well enough to completely kill it. The anger would surface, and I would deal with it, cutting off everything I could see, but the root remained, growing under the surface to pop up later, stronger and more resilient. The situation that happened Friday also happened at the end of August, only less severe.

I got angry, snapped at a receptionist and allowed my anger to frighten my wife. Not liking how I effected Leah, I looked at the problem, realized I was wrong, prayed, released that anger and made an amends to my wife. But I didn't find  the root. I didn't find the real cause for the anger. I never examined past seeing how I reacted wrongly to the receptionist. I didn't look at the strength of the anger and how quickly it surfaced, which indicated that it was something that had burned from an old and very hot coal rather than from a new match. Because I failed to deal with what happened properly and fully the fire rekindled to blaze again in less than two months, this time worse. I saw all of this Friday, but still didn't see the root.  I couldn't identify and therefore put out the buried ember.

I saw this Friday but only did enough to put out the surface fire.  I got calm.  I released the anger I felt, even cried a little though I couldn't figure out why, made amends both to my wife and the office worker. Then I  resolved to do a deeper inventory on the problem. After that I got busy with preparations for the surgery and other excuses and put my revelation of the problem that needed to be dealt with aside. In other words, I kept driving with the check engine light on simply because the gauge was no longer in the red.

Though I have been diligent with my normal  spiritual routine during my recovery from surgery, I haven't gone back to this underlying issue. This morning three of my daily readings had anger as the topic. God has gently nudged me back to the ash pile so that I can remember that under the surface an ember still burns. I need to put it out.

Something happened  in the office Friday morning and the time back in August that emotionally acted as a time machine. Instantly I returned to prison. The prison of anger, but also the material prison of my past. Mentally and emotionally I felt exactly how I felt in similar situations during seven and a half years of incarceration. My fight or flight response was triggered. For years flight was not an option. That only left fight, and fight I did, even when I knew that the result would not be good. I knew I couldn't win, but I would go down fighting rather than surrender. This is not a good attitude to slip into for someone who has learned that surrender is the key to victory.

Friday morning I  felt this huge weight press against my chest and breathing became difficult. Tears fell slowly. At the time I couldn't figure out why. This morning as I responded to the nudge to deal with this anger before it flares back to fire I realized what triggered my tears. At one point while we worked through what was happening together Leah said, "I'm sorry that you felt like you were being treated like a number rather than a human being." Somewhere in this observant statement and the emotions birthed from  it  is the key.

Obviously there are still resentments from my prison years unreleased, hurts that have not healed and that I have not forgiven. Also there are very real fears that rise in me when I am devalued in certain ways. I  must release these things, forgive and allow God to heal my soul in these areas. But the ease in which this ember is blown into a flame is  proof that the coal burns hot and I can't put it out on my own. If I could, then I would have before now instead of putting out the flames and missing the embers beneath the ash. So I will do what I can this morning and schedule an appointment with my spiritual adviser to learn what I need to do to put out the fire completely.

My God is definitely big enough to handle any problem, even those that have festered under the worst conditions. Some have said I have PTSD because of my prison experience. But I know that God can heal even those kind of wounds. The main thing is that I need to get out of His way and let Him. I can't put off the needed maintenance and repairs. If I do, something will eventually break to the point where I can no longer travel the road of recovery. I have to make sure that this fire is extinguished before it burns me up and those I care about along with me.

I am grateful for the gauges that allow me to see what is wrong and what to do. But examination and seeing the problem is not enough. If I want to keep my spiritual car running and continue cruising the recovery road, I must fix and replace the damaged parts. Sometimes I can do this work under my own shade tree. Sometimes I need an experienced mechanic. This is one of those latter times. God grant me the serenity to accept the things outside myself that I cannot change, the courage to change the things inside myself that I can, the wisdom to know the difference, and the wisdom to know that when I change the things within myself that I can, that though I have to do the work, it's God that does the changing in me and sometimes I need outside help to know what work I need to do and how to get out of God's way.

Fear Not?

Tomorrow morning  I go to the hospital to get pre-op tests done. I am so grateful that I was able to honestly say that I am clean and that there is nothing that the anesthesiologist needs to know about to prevent adverse reactions. That is both a blessing and a miracle. What is as big a miracle is that as the moment approaches when I will allow one man to send me into a reversible (hopefully) drug-induced coma and another man make a cut in my throat before probing around by my pulmonary artery to get a biopsy of the lymph node against it, I do not feel a need or desire to escape my fear. It's a fairly routine procedure and rarely are there complications associated with it, so why am I feeling so scared. Am I being over dramatic?

I do feel foolish, But I don't believe that I am acting like a drama queen. An article in the New England Journal of Medicine actually defines general anesthesia as a "reversible drug-induced coma." The article goes on to  say, "Nevertheless, anesthesiologists refer to it as “sleep” to avoid disquieting patients." I  have known how closely related general anesthesia and coma are since my teen years, and I am disquieted. It's foolish and strange, but while I have doped and drunk myself into oblivion and near death on more than one occasion, have taken a handful of pills offered by someone only asking after they were down, "What was that?," and I have trusted chemical combinations in my body that God never intended to flow through human blood. But general anesthesia scares me.

There have been two types of time periods in my life when death has not frightened me. The first was during brief times of faith in God and assurance of His love for me. The other, and more frequent unfortunately, came during times of such deep despair and misery that escape from the  pain became all I longed for, even the ultimate escape of death. But coma, coma scared me senseless. The last thing that I ever wanted was to be immobile, trapped within my own mind. Trying to escape the prison of my own mentality is a big part of why I began drinking and drugging in the first place. I spent years trying to get out of my head. The idea of being trapped in there scares me more than I realized before it became clear that I need to have this mediastinoscopy. I realized this morning that this fear is the true reason behind years of insisting on having a do not resuscitate order. There are things that have always frightened me more than death, and this is one of them.

There are times when it becomes real to me that the fearless and thorough inventories I have done were completely thorough. Logically I always know this. There are things I don't remember. There are things that don't come to mind until some situation rises them from the mists of memory. This morning I tried to figure out why I felt such fear about the procedure I am having Monday. I realize that if it had come to mind during any of my inventories, this wold have been close to the top of my fears list.

So while I am grateful that the desire to escape, the urge to drink and or drug has not manifested, I don't like being afraid. I know that when I am afraid I have not accepted some aspect of God's will for my life or have taken back some part of my will and life from God's care. Either I am not accepting what He is doing in my life or I'm trying to run the show again.  Neither option is healthy for me spiritually or good for my recovery. If I stay afraid long enough, I will seek escape. Fear is a prison in which I refuse to be incarcerated in for long. I like horror movies and roller coasters, but I do not like to truly be afraid. I will seek to end the fear, escape it, or overcome it.

The big fears, the ones that mess with my mind and steal my serenity, I am incapable of gutting up, facing, and overcoming them on my own. I am powerless against them. But there is One who has all power - that One is God, and I need to find Him now because if I can not overcome by His power and His might, then the siren call of chemicals sings that she knows the way of escape.

Another thing that I have to be grateful for is that I have learned to deal with fear on the road to recovery. I spent the morning, after my usual prayer and meditation, doing a mini-inventory on my upcoming surgery because I grew more and more uneasy the moment I said let's do it to the doctor. I examined myself honestly and closely and discovered the fear that I wrote of earlier.

The word discovered seems wrong somehow. I have mentioned more than once over the past few days that I would feel better about the surgery if I could be awake during it, if they could use nerve blockers and locals rather than putting me under. Since I know the idea of feeling better to be awake during is crazy and also that I honestly meant it, the fear should have been obvious. I have admitted fear of going under, but I didn't realize how strong and deep that river cut through me, the power it has over my emotions and ability to rest and trust God.

I listed the evil and corroding thread that is tying me into knots. I asked myself why I have this fear. As much as it shames me to admit it, it is simply failure to trust God. It effects my security. There are areas where I still want to be self-reliant. Going under I can not pretend to be even a little bit in control. My life, more importantly my ability to wake up, is in God's hands and the anesthesiologist. Self-reliance not only fails me here, I must surrender it completely.

But I have learned there is a better way to live than being self-reliant. What I need most is to remember that I am now living on the basis of trusting in and relying on an infinite God. I am here to play the role that He assigns, and come Monday He has cast me in the role of patient who places all in His hands and the hands of a trained stranger who does not want to get sued for screwing up. I prayed and asked Him to remove my fear and direct my attention to what He would have me be.

Today that is a good husband. That is a son who is a blessing to his parents rather than a hardship. A friend who can understand the fears others are facing and can listen and help instead of focusing on his own situation at the expense of helping others. That is an alcoholic and addict who has recovered of a hopeless state of mind and body and has found a solution that doesn't involve oblivion and chemicals who can use a God-given talent for expressing things in writing to share his weakness, experience, strength and hope. Today I am called to be a man who can release self-reliance and trust in God and perhaps help inspire others to do the same.

Just like in every area of my life, when I deal with fear I am sure to fail if I try to be God. I will succeed only if I trust God. How am I trying to be God? Because I want to know and control the future outcome.  But the power to know and control the future is something God has, not I.

Yes, I am afraid of being in a coma. I am afraid that they'll put me in under and not be able reawaken me. But those are only surface ripples. Under them is the true fear that is causing the waves. The fear of uncertainty. I can not know exactly how this is going to go. What will happen. What they will find (a lesser but real fear as well). But God has proved to me that He is with me and for me. He wants me to trust Him, and I need to do that.

More than 100 times in the Bible God commanded people "Don't be afraid." All through the scriptures as people faced crisis God's first response was to encourage them to fear not. But God is a loving Father, and He will never ask of me anything  that He will not provide the power to accomplish. I don't need to muster up faith within myself and from my belief. I must surrender even more to His care and allow Him to do the work.

After praying and thinking about this fear in particular and fear in general this morning, I have come to the simple conclusion that I would rather have God know and control my future than me. I make a lot of mistakes, some of them horrible ones. God doesn't. He doesn't make mistakes at all.  Even when I know what to expect or what should or will happen I sometimes make the wrong move, decision or choice. God never does. I don't have the power to truly control myself, much less others and situations outside myself. But God has all the power in the universe that He created.

Still, I sometimes have trouble trusting Him. It's one of my character defects that proves only that I am a human being. It's human nature to want to be in control, to want to be lord of my life. On one hand I have my stubborn will saying fight for your own life, do it your way, never surrender. On the other I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to my soul and saying, "Take courage. It is I. Do not be afraid."

The first argument has never led to anything good in my life. The second idea, that I should recognize Christ in my life and trust Him has never failed me when I submitted to it.  I may be powerless, but I do have a choice. I can let fear dance me around like a puppet, or I can cast my cares on Him who cares for me. My security is in Him, not in myself. My past failures and present victories through Him over alcohol and drugs and other areas have proved that.

When I'm trying to obey that command to fear not, when I need to rip the thread of fear from the fabric of my life, willpower alone just doesn't cut it. I can try to squelch our fearful thoughts, but they just keep popping up, like a ball held under water. Two things are necessary.

First, I have to acknowledge that fear is too strong for me, so only God can handle it. I have to turn my fears over to Him, remembering that He is all-power, all-knowing, and always in control. Second, I have to replace a bad habit—fear thoughts—with a good habit, namely prayer and confidence in God. I may be able to switch thoughts with lightning speed, but I can't think of two things at once. If I'm praying and thanking God for His help, I can't be thinking about fear at the same time.

I felt near-panic yesterday morning. The fear came and went throughout the day, but when it came it grew. This morning it felt like a weight against my chest. The Big Book promises that as we realize our need to rely on Him and pray, our fear will immediately begin to decrease. I can not say that I am not in the least afraid of going under now, but I can say that I am much less afraid and have more peace about the procedure than I had before I did my inventory and things have improved even more as I wrote this. I may have this fear rise back up before Monday, but I can recognize it now for what it is and know what to do about it.

Fear is a lifelong battle, but God is our lifelong Protector. He promised to never abandon or forsake us. When we are secure in His love, nothing can snatch us from Him, not even death. By holding tightly to God, no matter what, we can make it through, without any or in spite of our fear. May the peace that passes all understanding keep your heart and mind through Christ Jesus, and may you walk the recovery road in serenity.

HALT ~ You're Killing Me

I vividly remember the first time someone told me to watch out for HALT. A woman came up to me after a meeting in which I had spent the time with muscles clinched and hands shaking and said, in true care and concern for my state and well being, that I needed to know and watch out for HALT. She explained that it meant hungry, angry, lonely and tired and that any one of these feelings was dangerous, especially during early sobriety. But if I felt more than one of these at the same time I needed to call someone and or make a meeting right away because I was in serious danger of relapse. At the very least I needed to address the symptoms described and eat, forgive, hang out with another alcoholic and or rest, depending on what I was feeling.

I have a lot of respect for this woman. Few in the program of recovery showed such genuine concern for me and my sobriety early on. She is the one who put the solution in my hands, and I am eternally grateful to her for that. But I can remember her giving me the HALT spill and my thinking, "Lady, you've got to be kidding me. I just got out of prison! I'm always angry. I haven't slept through the night without chemical help in longer than I can remember, and don't get me started on how lonely I feel. If HALT is the solution to my staying sober, I'm doomed. I might as well go get drunk now and get it over with. At least that way my hands will stop shaking."

Thankfully I didn't just go get it over with by getting drunk. I talked to my sponsor a few minutes later and told him that I might as well move into the recovery hall because according to HALT I would always be in immediate danger of relapse. He laughed and told me that if I didn't know that I was in a constant state of near relapse I was deluding myself. I understood what he meant, and he was right. I was white-knuckling  it, bringing every ounce of will power to bear to keep from drinking one minute at a time.I also  knew that, fight as I might, my will power would fail. The only question was how long would I hold out before the inevitable folding of the cards. I needed something that took away my need to drink, my craving for escape.

I stuffed  myself on pizza, but  that didn't help. I found someone to fight the loneliness with, but that didn't work either. The relationships I had when I first came in the program of recovery weren't right, and most times as I smoked my afterglow cigarette I felt more lonely than I had before the hook up. I still didn't have a clue as to how  to breathe without being angry, and I couldn't sleep. I was always tired. And I still wanted to drink and drug. Several relapses and my inability to make it to the one month mark proved to me that all my will power and fight and fear of prison couldn't keep me sober, and my first instinct when I heard HALT remained true. There was no solution there.

I'm sure I have already begun stomping on some toes of my fellows, so let me say for the record that there is obviously some truth in the HALT idea. This slogan comes from therapy and rehab settings where we watch for triggers. Stay away from the things that trigger me to use, and I can stay clean and sober. And for some people this may help, especially early on. I am the first to agree that if I am newly dry and still shaking and sweating it out, sitting in a bar or in a drug den so that I can talk to my buddies is probably a stupid idea. That said, the trigger idea of recovery comes from psychologists who are not alcoholics or addicts and don't really understand us. Unfortunately it has been preached to such an extent that now alcoholics and addicts are parroting the message as though it's part of the solution. Stay away from triggers. Identify and watch out for your triggers.

But the truth is that for the real alcoholic and addict the idea behind triggers is bogus, bogus, bogus. And HALT is just a grouping of triggers common to everyone at some point and time. It is totally run on self will. I must be vigilant about my feelings and situations. If I don't put myself in dangerous places or allow myself to feel dangerous feelings I can keep myself sober. But what does the Big Book say?

 The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure,

have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will

power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at

certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient

force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a

week or a month ago. We are without defense against the

first drink.

~AA Big Book: Page 24

 Once more: the alcoholic at certain times has no

effective mental defense against the first drink. Except

 in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human

being can provide such a defense. His defense

must come from a Higher Power.

~AA Big Book Page 43

At the heart of things, this is a Step One issue. Step one says that I have come to believe that I am powerless over alcohol (and or drugs depending on the program of recovery) and that my life has become unmanageable.  So is this or is this not true for me? Can I control whether or not I drink or use again or do I need God to do that for me? If I am powerless then there will come a time when will power, triggers or lack of them, hungry or full, angry or happy, lonely or not, tired or rested, job or no job, wife or no wife. when good or bad my circumstances won't matter and I will pick up. There is nothing I can do to stop it. It's not a matter of if but when. Moreover, there's nothing a sponsor, an old timer, a family member, a preacher, a cop, judge or boss can do to stop it. It will happen, unless God Himself provides the power that I do not have on my own. And isn't managing my triggers just another way of me trying to manage my life, which I just admitted was unmanageable by me?

Left on my own without relationship with God, I will sooner or later default to the self-centered, selfish, hedonistic, escapist that I always was, and that man is a serious user, both of chemicals and people. There is truth in HALT, but not solution. It is true that when I am hungry, angry, lonely and or tired I am more irritable, among other things. I snap at people more. I have and show less love and tolerance. Why? Because I am focused on me and how I feel. The Big Book says I must be rid of self or else I die. Christ said that he who gives up his life will find life. In order to live and have a life worth living I must die to self.  Surrender to win. Die to live. These are spiritual truths.

The idea of HALT keeps me in self. How do I feel? Emotionally what is my status? Oops, I'm in a state of one or more of the following: hungry, angry, lonely, tired. What can I do for myself to make myself feel these less? Self. Self. I am feeling this. I can do this to fix it. My power. My will. My vigilance. And sooner or later my drunkenness.

The solution is not to be on guard against feelings and situations but rather to get away from selfishness and self-centeredness, to find relationship with the One who has all power, to tap into that power by turning my life and will over to Him, to make myself  of maximum service to Him and my fellow human beings. Serve God, clean house, help others. Do what He wants, for others.

The truth is that sometimes I am hungry and sometimes I am not. If I am spiritually fit being hungry makes me want to eat not drink or drug. If I am not spiritually fit nothing tops of a good meal like a drink. I could not will away my anger any more than I could will away my desire to drink and drug. I worked the steps, and after my fifth step I found that I had forgiven and released much of my anger without even realizing it. But I still have anger from time to time. The way I have to deal with that is spiritual. I have to get closer to God. I have to let Him have my anger and resentments. But I learn to do both of those through the steps. Someone who has not worked the steps and or had a spiritual awakening can not control his anger any more than his drinking. Similarly, the solution to loneliness is found in communion with the Creator. Relationship with God is the only true and lasting cure for loneliness. And God is also our rest.

Simply put, the answer to the HALT dilemma is God. The way to find relationship with God is to acknowledge my need for Him, surrender to Him, admit my part in what has kept me from Him, confess. ask Him to make the changes in me that will remove the distance between Him and me and enable me to serve, make amends to those I have harmed and continue in all these things, seeking to improve the relationship that I found through prayer and meditation, serving others and sharing the spiritual solution to all our problems. Without doing these things, triggers don't matter. I'll make new ones. Without working the steps, HALTed or not I will use eventually. But if I thoroughly follow the path of recovery it won't matter if I get hungry, I will learn to quickly release anger to God, I will find the solution to loneliness in relationship with Him who made me, and I will find rest in the serenity that comes from that relationship.

When the newcomer stands shaking before us, we don't need to tell him to beware of feeling HALT. We need to point him to the permanent solution to all of these. Let's HALT the newcomer by helping, accepting, loving and tolerating them enough to  give them solution that doesn't have anything to do with them and everything to do with the One who has all power. After all, that is how it works.

Rethinking My Stance

I am what is commonly referred to by some, including myself, as a Big Book Thumper. It is my belief and contention that the foundation for true recovery from alcoholism and addiction can be found in the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am not alone in this. Cocaine Anonymous uses, with the permission of AA, the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, as their text and manual for recovery. Other twelve step programs have adapted the book to fit their group or issue. The program as outlined in the first 164 pages of the Big Book works. It has been proven and stands the test of time.

I am also a firm believer in "old time" recovery. What I mean by that is there is a lot of information and ideas about  how to recover from alcoholism and addiction in the rooms today that is not in the Big Book. Some of this information comes from the experience of those who have gone before us. The stories of others, both those written after the 164 pages and those we hear personally in the rooms tell us how others did it, and some of these stories include things that are not in the first 164 pages. Some of this information comes from advances in psychology. A lot more is understood about how and why we behave the way we do and how the mind works today than was known and understood in the 1930s. Some of the information and ideas about how to recover have come from rehabs, especially since the huge increase in treatment centers that happened in the 1980s. Some of what we have learned and has been introduced into the rooms has been good and helpful, and I am not saying it shouldn't be there. But a lot of it doesn't work, or doesn't work for most. Some  of these ideas are downright harmful to the struggle for recovery. The statistics show this clearly. !2-step programs have gone from rarely has anyone failed to recover to, well, what we have today, which is seeing relapses as common and being "grateful for my relapse" is a topic of some meetings.

Now, please don't get me wrong. That last sentence is not to disparage anyone who claims to be grateful for their relapse. I went back out after 15 months, and I am grateful today that I knew what to do to pull out of the downward spiral I put myself into by picking back up. I am grateful that I made it back into the rooms. And I am grateful for the lessons I learned in and from my relapse, especially the complete emphasis of step one...I truly am powerless and no amount of clean time is going to change that. Once I put alcohol or drugs into my system, all bets are off. I can't control my usage and intake, at least not for long. I learned exactly how true that was by going back out, but it's not a method of learning I would recommend as best.

Anyway, to get back on topic, much of this extra information that has made it into the rooms has stuck in the form of slogans and sayings that are easy to remember and, sometimes unfortunately, easier to repeat. When I first entered the program of recovery, I heard these sayings over and over. Some of them made sense and some didn't. Some I thought I understood and realized later meant something different than I first believed from the context I was hearing them. "It's a selfish program," is one such statement, and I wrote about that in the last entry.

And in the last entry I started what I had thought would be a series on bogus statements heard in the rooms of recovery as shown in a graphic that I posted with the entry. The problem is that I leapt to a conclusion. I glanced at the image, and the first square showed a slogan that is actually contrary, out of context - as it stands - and as it is often used, to what the Big Book says. I skipped to the comments and agreed with those defending the idea that such slogans emphasize will power and run contrary to lasting recovery. I wrote an entry about the first square and intended to write one showing the problem with each of the slogans in the graphic. That is why I titled the last entry "Bogus Statement #1." There were to be more, and there still might be.

But when I chose the next square to write about I ran into a problem. The slogan, "Take The Cotton Out Of Your Ears And Put It In Your Mouth" was what I drew. My immediate reaction was, "Wait a minute." I glanced over the graphic again. There were several slogans, including  the one found above that I don't disagree with. I do not believe that what is found in the first 164 pages is the only way for everyone to recover from addiction and alcoholism. The book itself says that it's not. The book also says that more will be revealed, so I also do not believe that understanding about how to recover ended in the 1930s. I am also not arrogant enough to think that I understand everything or something that those before me don't. The problems I have with the slogans that I take issue with do not come as a result of my own analysis. I heard the objections to these ideas from other Big Book thumpers. I did not come up with them on my own, but I have checked the book to see if I agree with their objections. My analysis may not have come up with the objection, but if I repeat it, my analysis has confirmed it.

And I don't review or attack the slogans being used in the rooms to cause division or to disrespect the many who say these things. It is my purpose to fit myself for maximum service to others, especially the alcoholic and addict who still suffers. Ignorance and parroting don't cause me to grow in usefulness. In order for me to increase my ability to help others, I must also increase my knowledge and understanding of the program of recovery as outlined in the book. When it comes to sayings and slogans, my standard has been this: If it's in the book, it's good, but be sure not to take it out of context. If it's not in the book, it might work for some, it might work for me and it might not - be sure to use it in addition not in place of anything found in the steps. If it contradicts the book, throw it out and stop using it.

Not all of the slogans heard in the room are solution based and trustworthy. And for sure, not all of them are dangerous and bad.  Few still are one-size fits all. I want to make sure that in my quest for better understanding I take each slogan individually. Some have been  helpful and some not  so much. Some that helped me may not work  for others and vice versa.

I will never say in a meeting or to someone I am working with that it's a selfish program. But what about the idea of taking the cotton out of my ears and putting it in my mouth? That's different. I reread several chapters in the book, but I haven't been able to find anything to directly support or contradict the idea, so it falls in the second of the qualifiers I listed.

If I can not quote directly from the Big Book to support or dispute an idea, all I can share is my experience, strength and hope on the subject. My experience may not be everyone's. What works or doesn't as an additional part of the program may not be the same for the next person, and I must keep that in mind when speaking in a meeting or working with someone one on one. And personally, I have never had a problem with this idea of being told to listen. How can I learn anything about how others did what they did  if I am too busy talking?

None of the advisers I have had have ever said this to me, but I did have one suggest I listen more. In the beginning I was suffering and sharing a lot on that. Or finding hope in some new revelation, I was sharing that. I laugh now thinking about how much understanding I thought I had at two months. And there's a good chance I will laugh at my level of understanding at 28 months later down the road. More will be revealed. My adviser suggested that if I needed to and if the chair asked for topic ideas, I could mention  something that I would like to understand better - Step four as a topic comes to mind - I could bring it up at the beginning, but otherwise, for a while I might be better off not sharing unless I was called upon or unless everyone else had already shared. I needed to listen in order to learn. This was done as a suggestion, and I broke it a few times with no negative feedback from my adviser. He gave me the suggestion in private and made it very clear that if I needed to share something or had any questions and wasn't called on that  I could talk to him or anyone else I chose to after the meeting. And I learned a lot because I quite whining about how I was feeling and how hard it was for me during this white-knuckle period and started listening to the solution. While  he did not use this slogan with me, what he suggested I do is what I believe to be the heart of what this slogan means - be quiet and listen, you just might learn something.

I have never heard this slogan used in a meeting in a negative way. The only times that I have heard it spoken in a meeting was when someone shared that they were told this by someone else and it helped them. Similar to my sharing how I learned when I followed the advice above. Used in this way, I have no problem with this slogan.  It's a bit of folk wisdom that has slipped into the rooms that can be quite beneficial. To the best of my knowledge it doesn't contradict anything in the book. We are told to share our experience, strength and hope. and until we have some of these we would probably be better off listening to the experience, strength and hope of others than spilling our selfishness into the meeting.

That said, I learned some other ways this slogan is used from others when I began asking about how others in the program of recovery feel about  and have experienced this saying. Like sharing on a story from the book, this is not my experience but rather my opinion about someone else's. I have never seen this saying used this way and can not prove their validity. That said, why bring up anything negative if I have ever seen or heard it used this way? Because I want to encourage myself not to use the saying at times and  in ways and with people that it may be negative or detrimental to. I need to remember that, especially as something that is not directly in the "exactly how we have recovered" that it might not help some.

Some of us spent years stuffing how we feel and what we think, afraid to say anything for fear of rejection. Some have always been so outside that  they never participated in anything. For these it may be better that they learn to speak up and share during a meeting than being quiet. At the very least, all of us but especially those who fit in this group, we need to make sure it is understood that regardless of whether we share in a meeting or not that we can and should talk to each other outside.

Which brings me to the first way I have heard that this has been done in a negative way. I have been told that some have had their sponsors use this slogan during conversations outside the meeting. This is a folksy way of saying shut up and listen. Sure, we've probably all wanted to say this from time to time. I am not saying that this is never appropriate. If I'm taking someone through the steps and I can't get through a sentence without being interrupted or hearing a "but I" it can make me frustrated. I haven't used this saying, but I have said, "Why don't you let me talk without interruption for five minutes and see if I answer your question before you ask. Then if there's something you object to, or that I didn't answer or that you don't understand you can talk about it then?" Which is basically the same thing...shut up for five minutes and listen. It just isn't quite as abrasive. But some of us need hard assed and abrasion. I have heard many speak with affection of their crusty and slightly rude sponsors. I can't do it that way, and I suggest that those who need that find someone who can. But those who are abrasive and blunt in their approach to working with others also need to understand that, just like the sensitive approach, it doesn't work with and for everyone. For someone who needs sensitivity and understanding, telling  them to take the cotton out of the ears and stuff it in their mouth could hurt more than help.

I have also heard of this being said in meetings not as a sharing of someone's experience but rather directed to someone who is sharing "too much" or something off topic or to someone who doesn't have "enough sobriety to share in meetings," whatever that magic amount of sobriety is. I've heard people shouldn't share until they've worked the steps. I've heard wait six months. I've heard wait a year. I disagree, but people feel differently and different groups run their meetings as they see fit. But even if there is some standard with a group not to share before getting some clean time, I personally feel there are better and less humiliating ways to enforce that than to tell someone in the meeting, in front of everyone, to shut up and listen, especially if the slogan is coming not from the chair but from the floor in the way of cross talk.

There are times when hearing a newcomer complain about the struggle to get clean and sober is exactly what I need to remind me of where I was and where I will be again if I fail to maintain and improve my spiritual condition. Sometimes a newcomer who has barely gotten any time clean has more experience, strength and hope that someone even newer can understand than I can express. People who only have a day sober see 28 months as a long-time and may have more trouble believing that I can relate to what they are going through, just like  it's hard for me to believe at times that someone with thirty years can still relate and remember to the struggles of two and a half years. Sometimes an old-timer might have exactly the right words I need to hear that day, but sometimes those words may come from the mouth of someone who isn't even sober. I need to make sure that I am always listening for God to speak to me, however He chooses to do so. In the Old Testament, God spoke through the mouth of an ass, and I have seen for myself that He can still do so today.

There is wisdom behind the saying take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. A closed mouth catches no flies. Most wisdom studies will eventually get around to talking about learning from being silent. I can not and will not dispute the validity of truth behind the idea that there are times that I would be better off to shut up and listen rather than talk...or write for that matter, which is why I prayed, read, and listened to others for several days before I wrote this. But this is not how to get or stay sober. I can listen to the wisdom of others forever and intently, but unless I take the action to do what they did, not listen to what they did, there will come a time when I find myself defenseless against the first drink or drug. This being quiet and listening is definitely important to knowing the solution, but it is not the solution. I need to be sure to relate that bit of information to anyone I work with, and I need to be sure that if I suggest someone listen to the solution rather than sharing their problems that I offer solution when they listen. I need to make sure never to  use this saying, or even a nicer version of it, in such a way as to make someone feel that they have nothing of value to offer me or to act as though there is anyone, clean or not, that I can't learn something from.

Bogus Statement #1 - It's A Selfish Program

I'm hurting today. It started as an off and on pain in my tooth a couple of days ago and has steadily gotten worse. Last night it became nearly unbearable, and this morning is worse. I need to have the tooth pulled, several teeth pulled actually. But I can't have any work done on my teeth right now. I can't afford it. If I do manage to scrape up the money for a doctor, it won't be for my teeth. I need to use doctor money for the problem with my lymph nodes.

It's not the emergency that it feels like. I've experienced this before, and since I don't have the money to have all my teeth pulled and replaced with dentures, it will happen again. It's a sign that I'm getting sick.  I don't really feel it yet, but it's definitely coming. When my sinuses became congested in my head, the pain in what's left of my teeth is the first indicator, even if I can breathe well and my nostrils are clear. But this pain is the worst that it's been in a few years.

So, am I just using my blog as a place to whine about my pain? No, I can't afford to. Self-pity is dangerous. I do have another reason to write. In all truth, this is an attempt to get out of self. I am in a dangerous place at the moment. I am cruising on Recovery Road and a storm just blew in. If I don't pay attention to the change in driving conditions and respond accordingly I am liable to hydroplane and end up in a wreck.

So why am I in danger? What's causing the puddles to form and the water to rise on the road rather than running off? The problem at the moment, what I am having to fight is two-fold. The first is what like I noticed the other day, old resentments that are not as dead as I believed or are trying to resurrect themselves. There are two of these resentments messing with me right now. The first is against myself.

I messed up. Raised with the truth and shown relationship with God in action in the lives of both my parents, I chose to assert my own will and try to live my life my own way. I ran from God. Alcoholism and drug addiction, destruction of relationships and people, and eventually prison resulted from this. God has forgiven me, and most days over the last few years I have forgiven myself. But sometimes I take that forgiveness back and send myself another bill. Taking back my self-forgiveness started at the funeral of my Aunt Earlene. It kills me that I missed the funeral of my Aunt Linda four years ago, because I  had just been released and my parole officer wouldn't let me leave the county to attend. I loved my Aunt Linda deeply, and her love for me was such a blessing. I should have been there during here illness and here funeral. My absence from her side and from the presence of my family was a direct result of my own actions, and sometimes I still want to beat myself up for that. I need once again to let it go.

The other resentment grows stronger as the pain in my mouth increases. What started in one tooth has now spread to most of my teeth and throughout my lower jaw. It is constant, and it carries with it both resentments. The one I've already mentioned because had I not gone to prison, my teeth would not be in the shape that they are. Between the fights and the poor dental care my mouth is a mess. And directly effects the second resentment. I wrote a few days ago that my resentment over the health care system in Texas prisons had reared its ugly head. Teeth pain does that as well. Within the first year of my incarceration Texas cut almost all funding associated with the dental care.

But I know, as I wrote a few days ago in "Ghosts Of Resentments Past," how to handle resentments cropping back up. Now that I am painfully aware of these two, I can take care of them. But the other danger is harder for me to deal with, and that is the pain. as I have written repeatedly, I don't do well with pain. I can take it for a while, but then the temptation comes to find a way, any way, to make it stop. Pain in my teeth  is especially problematic for me. It's one of the few types of physical pain that I can't seem to just power through, endure and or ignore. Pain puts me right back into self, especially this type of pain.

So I need to get out of self. I have spent extra time praying this morning, which is also difficult for me to do when in pain.Going into the presence of God is the best way that I know to get out of self. The second best way is to be of service. I hope that it's not arrogance on my part to think that my blog is an act of service, but since I pray that what I write may help someone before I write any and every entry, I feel it qualifies. And since I have no transportation until my bike is repaired and it hurts to talk right now (making a phone call a bad idea), this entry is what I have to work with at the moment.

But I don't want  to just write about what I am going through right now, the idea is to get out of self, not throw myself deeper in by focusing on the problem. I want to focus on the solution, not the problem.  That is a slogan I hear often in the rooms, and that finally brings me to the topic, the slogans we hear so often in the rooms. I wrapped up my series on the Sermon on the Mount yesterday, and this morning I saw something on Facebook that gave me an idea for another series, something to write about when nothing going on in my life gives me a topic.The administrator of the group that posted it title the post "The BS Bingo Card." It looks like this:

I read the comments posted with the image, and I must admit that I didn't feel much surprise that quite a few people defending these sayings that I've heard many many times in the rooms, often from the mouths of old timers giving them weight to the newcomer. So I decided that my next series, when I am not writing of specific issues that I need to deal with, will be on these slogans. I will pick a different one each time and write about it, and I think it's likely that I might step on some toes in the process. That isn't my intention, but I will not compromise when it comes to sharing the program of recovery. It is my belief that taken out of context and as they are often used, these slogans are dangerous, especially to the newcomer. Since our primary purpose is tied directly to showing other alcoholics and addicts precisely how we have recovered and since for the real addict and alcoholic anything short of recovery leads to death, we should be very careful with we present as recovery.

Many in the rooms, swear by these. As I wrote, it isn't my intention to cause disputes or hurt feelings. If someone reading this disagrees with me, I ask for two things. First, I ask that you hear me out and check what I write against the content of the first 164 pages of the Big Book. If anything I write doesn't stand against those pages, please throw it out and call me on it. I am still learning and don't know everything. And that is the second things I ask. If you disagree, please feel free to comment, either here or where  I post the link to the entries on Facebook. Feel free to disagree with my thoughts and words, but be ready to back up your objection with information directly from the 164, and please attack what I said, not me. Thank you. Now, to get on with this.

Since I am writing today to get out of self, the choice of the first slogan to discuss came easily to me. "It's a selfish program." I've heard it over and over. For that matter, I said it myself early on before I learned better. This is a bogus statement, BS, that, in my opinion is very dangerous to the newcomer.

Albert Einstein said, "We can not solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."  The Big Book has this to say on the subject of selfishness:

"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." Big Book page 62, line 7

"Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of the selfishness. We must, or it kills us!" Big Book page 62, line 19

If Einstein is right in saying we can't solve our problems with the same thinking that caused them and we go by what the book says in the first 164 that selfishness is the problem, then how can recovery from selfishness by being selfish? It's a direct contradiction. We can't rid ourselves of selfishness by acting selfishly!

We are told to ask in inventory "Where have we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" (Big Book page 67 line 17) and "Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?" (Big Book page 69, line 14). We are instructed to subject every relation to the test "was it selfish or not?" Big Book page 69, line 21).

When these facts are taken into account and we know that we are to rid ourselves of and guard ourselves against selfishness in all our relations and situations, how can we say this is a selfish program? It certainly is not. The Big Book upon which the program is founded one main purpose, "To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book," (Big Book page xiii, line 5) by enabling the reader "to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem." (Big Book page 49, line 9)

When these quotes are brought to the attention of those who say the program is selfish, they sometimes point out that Bill Wilson said our own spiritual growth and recovery must come first, before we can help anyone else. And if that is what is meant by being selfish, we should just say that! There is a difference between putting our own program first and selfishness? How so? If we are putting our own book-based program first we are not being selfish. We can't be because our program will not be selfish. It's purpose is to put self to death. 

The first action we take in the steps is to pray the Third Step prayer: "God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will Always!" While we most certainly benefit from recovery, the purpose of recovery is to do God's will and help others. We declare this in the above prayer. In the third step we turn ourselves over to God and ask to be given victory in order to give Him the glory and to be able to help others. There is nothing selfish about this, even though I do benefit. 

Then again in Step Seven we pray: "My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding. Amen." Once again the purpose of my recovery is not to give me the life worth living, a side-effect I am grateful to God for, but to ready me for service to others.

The examples we are given in the first 164 pages do not show founding members of the program delving into their own program or going to meetings to share their issues when the obsession to drink popped up. They looked for another alcoholic. They didn't look for someone who could understand what they were going through and give them a sympathetic ear. They looked for another like them to help, so that in serving and helping someone else, they were given relief from self, and as a by-product of self being silenced the desire to drink was squelched. 

But what's the big deal? If we know that putting our own program first is what is meant by "selfish program," how is saying it that way a problem? Unfortunately, while putting working our own program before helping someone else with theirs (so that we can better help others with theirs) may be what is meant by the old timers saying the program is selfish, I often hear the "selfish" phrase used when someone is considering giving less of themselves to areas of life outside of the rooms. We aren't encouraged to neglect our families, jobs, or other responsibilities in order to devote time to the program and spiritual pursuits. It is plainly written in the Big Book repeatedly that we rejoin society and serve and contribute, not hide away into a 12-step program insulated cave where we selfishly look after our own needs and fulfillment.

Just like everything else in life, it's about balance. I've seen and done it both ways. Some live, breath, sleep and eat the 12 Steps and fellowship so much that their family can't tell a difference from drinking and sober. They're still not available to, for or with anyone outside of the rooms. Then there are times, like now I'm sorry to say, when making a meeting is a rare occurrence, and when a meeting is made arrival is late and departure is early. The flip side of too much, where giving someone a ride or taking someone through the steps or just helping the alcoholic or addict who still suffers is something I don't have time for because I'm too busy with outside relationships and situations. In both extremes we are failing to be of service somewhere we are supposed to be. And to use "It's a selfish program, I have to take care of myself" as an excuse for either of these is a sign that my recovery is not as stable as it needs to be. I must be rid of selfishness or I die. It's that simple.

Healthy boundaries, learning to do what's best for those in my life, both inside and outside the rooms, as well as what is best for me is something I have to learn and put into practice. How can I be of service to my wife and family? How can I be of service to the alcoholic and addict who still suffers? Most of all, how can I be of service to God? What do I need to do for and within me to make that possible and to do it better? That is what the program is about. It is most certainly not a selfish program.

Much More Than Simply A Doxology

This morning I am wrapping up my series of entries on the Sermon on the Mount and the Lord's Prayer. As I have studied this prayer more in depth it has occurred to me that it should be called My Prayer or Our Prayer rather than the Lord's Prayer. This is the Lord's example, His blue print on how to pray much more than it is His prayer. At least one part, "forgive us our debts" was never prayed personally by Him, since He had no sin, He had no debts or trespasses that needed forgiveness until He took my sin and everyone else's upon Himself.

For years I believed in God and lived as though I did not. My first sponsor informed me that this is the practical definition of the term agnostic. I believed there was a God, professed belief in that God, and yet I only surrendered my will, gave up my right to rule the kingdom of my own life, when overcome by emotion and emptiness, when guilt and shame was about to drown me, when I was in trouble or need, or during rare times of honesty when I could admit to myself that I didn't like myself or my life and that my way wasn't working. But these periods never lasted long. I always took control of my will and life back, I always dove back into selfishness and self-centeredness, I always demanded the right to do things my own way and rule my own kingdom. And the result was always destruction.

I never found a relationship with God in a real and personal way that could be maintained, I could never stay clean and sober and walk in recovery while running my own little kingdom. But once I somewhat understood the concept of grace, closely tied with the rooms saying of "progress not perfection," that changed. Before then I would have a moment of revelation that I needed God and could come to God. I would throw myself upon His mercy and declare that I gave all of me, my will and my life, to Him to do as He pleased. But then before long I would mess up. I would do something that I knew was not right, was not God's will. Feeling that failure proved that I hadn't really really surrendered to Christ, I would beat myself up. Realizing that I could not walk with God and live as He would have me live, I would quit trying to, and in an attempt to distract myself from how miserable I felt, I dove head first and full-steam into self-will run riot. I couldn't be good, and if I was doomed to be bad, then I might as well be good at that. The drugs and alcohol helped me, for a while, escape the fear, pain, misery and emptiness of my life.

Trusting and understanding the concept of progress not perfection in a way I couldn't yet understand grace I surrendered once more. When I fell short I no longer felt like I had totally banished God from my kingdom. Instead I realized that I was still a subject in His kingdom, just not a perfect or totally obedient one. At every obstacle and failure I could finally see that there were less of these and those that came were less frequent than before. Progress was being made. More accurately, God made progress in my life. I found recovery, and that recovery become more solid as God's Kingship over my life became more and more established. What little success I have had in recovery is the direct result of God setting up His kingdom in my life and the areas where His will is done more often than my own.

So this last section of the prayer, "For Thine is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever," is personal to me. For me, it's the essence of recovery and survival and not just some nifty way to close the prayer. But what else does it mean?

I know this is going to be long, but I can only get to the destination by the way that I know. In order to really understand that last phrase, I need to go back to another phrase in the prayer, "Thy kingdom come..." We ask for God's kingdom to come, and what I have to remember is that that may not always line up with what I expect or imagine. God's ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. In the rooms I often hear that one of most important lessons those of us in recovery learn is often that there is a God and I am not Him. In essence, this is what Moses heard when God spoke to him on Mt. Sinai. When God said, "I Am who I Am," He was basically telling Moses, "I am God and you are not." It is God's kingdom, not ours.

And what about the word come? Are we really only praying for the rapture and the one time establishment of the Kingdom of Christ on earth? No, the word come doesn't mean a once and for all coming.  It means a revealing or appearing, a process. The kingdom of God is active, present and growing, not static in a holding pattern waiting to be built. Like the love of God, the kingdom of God is ongoing and eternal.

Which brings me to the word I skipped, "kingdom." Jesus spoke of the kingdom of God repeatedly. It was one of the dominant themes of His ministry and teaching. But He never defined it. Instead He described it. He told what the kingdom of God was not to make it clear that it was not what we thought. It is not geography or territory or a form of earthly government. The Kingdom of God is seeing things the way God sees them. According to Jesus, God sees value in broken people and significance in places and events that we often overlook. The Kingdom of God is a reality where love is the only law and rules or controls every thought, action and reaction to the people in and around it. "Let Thy kingdom come" could also be prayed as "let love rule."

As I pray "Thy kingdom come," I am in effect summarizing and praying the third step prayer. I am saying, "Your rule, Your management of my life and the world, not mine." The kingdom of God is in our hearts when we recognize that God knows us (better than we know ourselves) and finds us precious, priceless, and when in response to that love we surrender ourselves to His leadership, direction and care.

Sometimes His kingdom is easier to see in my life than at other times. It's not so hard to imagine God's Kingdom is ruling my life when the sun is shining, the obsession to drink and drug is gone and life feels good. But what about during the dark times when fear assaults the walls of my mind and heart. Is the kingdom of God still standing during those times? Over the last few weeks I have found myself in a motorcycle wreck, facing the very real possibility that I have lymphoma, and having to deal with the loss of a good friend and an aunt. I can say from experience that God's kingdom, presence and direction does come in the darkness, despair and fear.

I can't explain it, but I can describe what I saw yesterday as we celebrated the life of my Aunt Earlene. I saw in my father and in other relatives, especially my cousin Deborah, the power of love and the presence and peace of God. Joy in the midst of mourning. Peace in the storm of sadness. Love in the face of loss. Faith in control where fear once reigned. This is what the kingdom of God is like. This is the evidence of its presence. So now I have a better understanding, or at least a better description, of what the kingdom of God is than I had before. I will return to the phrase that is supposed to be the topic of this writing, "For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever."

I have noticed that often I focus on things that stand out and demand my attention but miss important things that are small, simple, and subtle. Two words in this closing doxology are like that. The first of those words is the word "for." "For" sets the intent of the heart. It is the word that puts in practice or sets into action the faith I am professing throughout the rest of the prayer. It is the word that declares the truth of who we are and who God is. It is the acknowledgement of what I wrote in the first of this entry that there is a God, and I am not Him. We are able to pray the other words of the Lord's Prayer precisely because of the word "for." That little word is a reminder and a declaration that it is God's kingdom (He is in control, not me), God's power (I am powerless but He is greater and has all power), God's glory (I can't take the praise or glory for my success and goodness and sobriety - as I pray in the third step prayer, "God, take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life.) that make faith real and prayer possible.

The second word is "now." The word "now" can be dangerous for me and addicts alcoholics like me. It is an important part of the root of our problem, selfishness. I want what I want, and I want it when? Now. Today it seems like pretty much everyone wants instantaneous everything and in that sense our entire culture seems to be focused on the now, but when it comes to the fulfillment of God's promises, we learn to focus on "later," on "forever," on "eternity," on "beyond what we know and see now." I also saw this yesterday as we celebrated the life of my aunt and took comfort in the assurance that she is present with the Lord in a state that we will only truly and completely understand "someday."

But the prayer ends, "For the kingdom and the power and the glory are Yours, now and forever." God's kingdom is now. God's power is now. God's glory is now. This is why I needed to remind myself and reexamine what the Kingdom of God is. If I simply think it's somewhere up in heaven and that I will see and experience it some glad morning when this life is over then I find myself living as if it is outside of my daily existence. Waiting until I die to experience God's kingdom,  God's power and experiencing God's and giving God glory leaves me with little enjoyment of, eagerness or enthusiasm for, or power and faith for and in the present life.

The kingdom of God is diminished in effect if I do not see and believe that the kingdom is here, all around and in me. The power of God is weakened in my life if I do not understand, accept and trust that His power is as real and near as my heartbeat. And the glory of God is diminished if I don't see and believe His glory is here and direct my own glory and praise to Him. Participation in God's kingdom, power and glory is not a future reward based on good or bad performance on earth. It is a gift of grace and the belief put to action that whenever and however God is present in our life we experience the kingdom, power and the glory. The experience of God in this way takes me into deeper relationship with him. This relationship, made possible by grace through the sacrifice of Christ, is strength and joy and peace that make life worth living, makes recovery possible and gives me a hope for tomorrow and "some glad morning."

Ghosts Of Resentments Past

Last night I cuddled up with my wife, shared some Flower Power hookah with her, and we watched one of my favorite independent films from the late nineties, The Unknown Cyclist. I have wanted to watch the film again for years, but have been unable to find it anywhere. My wonderful wife found it on Youtube for me. I never thought to look there.

The description of the movie simply states that "Bernard Salzmann made his directorial debut with this comedy-drama set in West Hollywood where a wake is held for community center founder Christopher Cavatelli, who leaves behind his lover Doug (Stephen Spinella), his ex-wife Melissa (Lea Thompson), friend Gaetano (Danny Nucci), and his macho heterosexual twin brother Frank Cavatelli (Vincent Spano). After Frank arrives from New York, this offbeat group sets out to distribute Chris' ashes and fulfill his last wish - a five-day, 450-mile charity trip up the California coast on an Aids bike-a-thon." But the description doesn't do the movie justice in my opinion. There is no perfect and good character or evil and bad character. It shows many of the issues around orientation and Aids as they were in the late nineties, and sadly much still the same today. The movie is well written, serious, inspiring, funny and clean. But that's not why I love it.

I love it as much as I do because I thought when I saw it in '98, and still feel, that it shows an awesome, interesting and moving way to have my ashes handled after I'm gone. Yes, I plan to be cremated, and no I don't want that to be any time soon, which is one difference between now and then. I felt fascinated by the idea of splitting my ashes between several special people. In my plans, they would each be instructed to take their portion to a place that was special to them in conjunction with a memory of me and release the ashes there, one last moment between them and me, one on one so to speak.

While I have been wanting to see it again, and looking forward to watching it with Leah, who had never seen it, last night felt harder than I anticipated. The movie always moved  me emotionally, but not like last night. I felt grateful that I could see the film with Leah, that thanks and praise be to God I survived the Bi Wonder days without contracting HIV, grateful that I finally found my perfect partner, my best friend and helpmate, my treasure that I want to grow old with. At the same time I felt sad and afraid that I am facing health issues which have the potential of robbing that last gratitude and dream, sad that if I want something special done with my ashes similar to what I've wanted to do since I saw the movie the first time that I may need to start planning and documenting exactly what I want sooner than expected or desired, and I even felt a little guilty that I haven't done anything with Andrew's ashes.

But I got over the negative aspects fairly quickly. I am trusting God about the health issue, and progress towards treatment is finally being made. I still have more hope that I will be able to grow old with Leah than fear that I won't. And as for guilt about Andrew's ashes, Leah has been sweet and understanding enough to let them sit in a beautiful urn in our living room, but that guilt is simply a result of procrastination. I've felt for a while now that it's time to release them. My home with Leah is ours, and I don't want to share it with the ashes of my ex, and sitting on a shelf is never what Andrew wanted when he left me his ashes anyway. I can take care of that soon.

With those issues contemplated and released, gratitude remained while fear and guilt faded away. I snuggled Leah closer to me and relaxed into the story. But about halfway through I received a text from my mother informing me that, "Your Aunt Earlene is with the Lord." I knew it was coming, but it still hit me hard to hear about the death of my father's sister. She was an amazing lady. She made homemade pretzels with me and my cousins when I was a child, and the first memory I have of catching lightning bugs in a jar was one evening at her house in Mineola. I will miss her.

But being confronted with the issue of death once more while watching a movie about honoring the memory of the loss of someone brought up again the simple fact that I am not ready to say goodbye to my family and friends and not ready for them to have to deal with losing me so soon after getting me back, I don't want the reconciliation between my brother and I to take place over my ashes, and something else nagged at the back of my mind.

This morning I realized what that nagging was. Resentment. Resentment that I believed that I had let go of quite some time ago.I have been blessed in a lot of ways, but specifically lately I have been blessed with the care I have received since the radiologist saw the problems with the lymph nodes in my lungs, even if it hasn't progressed as quickly as I would like. My father-in-law, a doctor, is working to get me admitted to UTMB Gavelston to have a mediastinoscopy done. This is an expensive and somewhat complicated procedure that I can't afford without assistance. I am not looking forward to having someone cut into my chest to remove part or all of the three affected lymph nodes, but it's much better than the alternative. I am grateful that it looks like I will receive treatment and have a good chance to see the dream of growing old with my wife come true.

That said, I am having problems with the idea of trusting my life to UTMB. UTMB has the contract with TDCJ to treat Texas prison inmates. Every infirmary on every Texas unit is run and staffed by UTMB. It won't do me any good to go into more deeply here, so suffice it to say that what I experienced and saw of what passes for medical care on Texas prison units is abysmal and left me with fear and anger towards this organization.

Logically I know that UTMB Galveston is a good hospital with good doctors and is totally separate from the division of UTMB that controls the prison infirmaries. I know that I have been blessed by the opportunity to get treatment there. Emotionally I am mixed up. I know this is due to resentments, and resentments untreated can be most dangerous to my sobriety. I am grateful that my health situation and the other things going on in my life right now have worked together to bring to light this root of resentment that before I was not aware that I had. Now I know what I have to do. I have to look at my part in things. I have to pray for UTMB and the prison doctors and nurses, and I have to forgive them as I would like to be forgiven. Then the ghost of resentments past can disappear into the fog of memory and no longer haunt my emotional castle.

Lead Us Not Into Temptation

"Lord, lead me not into temptation. I can find it on my own."  All joking aside I have always been more inclined to blame myself for feeling tempted and for succumbing to said temptation than to believe God had any part of it. After all I've always heard that God doesn't tempt us, and wouldn't leading someone into temptation be the same as tempting them. It seems like entrapment to me, and I just don't like to have the image of God as a dirty cop in my mind. But in all my musings and whining on the subject of temptation, I have never truly looked at it as a subject to study spiritually. I realize as I write this that the avoidance is probably a result of cowardice.

This morning I woke up, prayed with Leah before she left for work, got the all important kiss from her that I need to tide me over until she returns for lunch, poured myself a cup of coffee and returned to the bedroom to begin my morning prayers and meditation. I spent some extra time in prayer before picking up my spiritual and recovery readings for the day because I am still struggling with the fear issue from time to time as I wade through the mire of finding a doctor that I can dream of affording to do my biopsy. As I finished my reading I also finished my first cup of caffeine. I went to the kitchen and discovered the coffee pot missing. I looked around and didn't see it anywhere. Finally, I looked in the cupboard. There it was. I evidently got my coffee cup this morning, filled it, and then replaced it in the cupboard with the coffee pot instead of putting the pot back on the burner. I don't think I've ever done anything like this sober.

I felt embarrassed. And then the thought came to me, "I'm tempted to just go back to bed." Thinking that word, "temptation," reminded me of where I was on my study of The Sermon On The Mount. So, after my long and boring intro I invite you, dear reader, to join me as I delve into what has always been a little confusing and quite a bit scary..the subject of temptation and the prayer that God lead me not into it.

"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the Evil One" Matthew 6:13. As I did some looking into what others say about this verse, Suggestions that I read about how to apply the text were mainly along the lines of advice about avoiding various temptations, such as installing internet software to block and thereby avoid internet pornography. But I don't think such suggestions fit the subject or are very helpful considering that the text in question is found in a prayer and not an ethical exhortation. It's about asking God not to lead me into temptation, not about how to avoid temptation myself. There are other passages of scripture about fleeing temptation where such suggestions would fit better when looking at how to apply the scripture. Also, I realized that to me many of the "bad things for me" that I do not see these temptations that are often removed simply by staying in conscious contact with God as issue enough to explain why "lead us not into temptation" is the only negative request in the Lord's Prayer.

After doing some research and study, I came to realize that this prayer is not asking God not to tempt me with a drink or drug or someone I find attractive or anything else. By surrendering God's will and guidance I am lead safely through dangerous times and situations, not to something that would bring spiritual death. As I am seeing in my separate study of the book of Acts, we may be lead to places that do not look like the best for us through they eyes of human nature, but the reality is that when God is in control there is something good for us, best for us and good for others in every place and situation God brings us to.

Failure to fulfill God's will, reverting to our old nature, sin, comes from consenting to temptation.  In this prayer I ask God  not to lead me into temptation, meaning "do not allow me to enter" or "do not let me yield to" temptation. God can't be tempted, and He tempts no one. This prayer asks Him to block our way into temptation and to give us the Spirit of discernment.

The Spirit helps us to know the difference between trials or tests, which are needed for spiritual growth, and temptations, which lead to spiritual death. With the help of the Spirit we can see the difference between being tempted, which is not wrong or a result of us being outside of God's will, and consenting to temptation. We realize that some things seem desirable or appear to be the solution to how we are feeling but the result, their fruit, is death. There can be a usefulness to temptation, because the ways we are tempted helped reveal our character defects, the nature of who we are without relationship with God.

"Lead us not into temptation" demands a decision of the heart. "No one can serve two masters" Matthew 6:24. "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit" Galations 5:25 Whenever we are tempted, God will "provide the way of escape, so you may be able to endure it" I Corinthians 10:13. When  we are led by God, completely surrendered to His will for us, we will still face temptation, but instead of being slaves and puppets to our instincts and impulses we find God able to speak to us, to guide us to a way of escape. We can recognize that we are being tempted. We find the grace to pause and wait for guidance. God effectively helps us not to slip, not to enter into whatever temptation we are facing. And when I successfully listen to that still small voice of the Spirit I not only find the escape and freedom from the snare, I grow spiritually.

Jesus overcame His temptations by a prayer, and our victory is also won by prayer. In this petition, Christ unites us to His victory, urges us to listen to the guidance of the Spirit. Jesus prayed to the Father, "Keep them in Your name" in John 17:11. This prayer asks for endurance, for final perseverance that leads to complete victory and the protection of God's presence.

"But deliver us from the Evil One." This last part of the petition is also included in Jesus' priestly prayer found in John 17, where He asked the Father to protect His followers from the Evil One. This evil we pray to be delivered from is not abstract but personal. It refers to Satan, the fallen angel who opposes God. The devil is a liar and father of all lies and is the deceiver of the whole world according to John 8:44 and Revelation 12:9. Through him, sin and death entered the world. By his definitive defeat all creation will be freed from the corruption of sin and death. But through relationship with the Father and the grace provided by the sacrifice of Jesus we can experience this freedom now.

At His death, Jesus won the victory over the "prince of this world," over the Evil One. So we claim our rights as co-heirs with Christ and pray for victory over and deliverance from he who desires to see us fail and to see us separated from conscious contact with our Creator.

In this prayer we ask to be delivered, to be freed, from all evils, past, present and future, caused by the enemy of God. Here we bring all our fear and distress before our Heavenly Father and ask for freedom and endurance in establishing lasting and full relationship with Him. We can be free from the chains of our natural man, of our character defects, and protected from anxiety and worry. When we trust God and live by the principles of this part of the Lord's prayer, where we are led by the Spirit and abiding in the shelter of His wings, we find ourselves protected on all sides from every possibility. We are safe from the attacks and manipulation of the enemy of God as well as safe from our own instincts and impulses gone awry or even the human tendency to see in the world around us a solution outside of God or a substitute for relationship with Him. We are provided deliverance from one through our shared victory with Christ and protection and escape from the other through the blocking guidance of the Spirit.

This part of the Lord's prayer is not suggesting that if we don't ask Him not to God will set up an entrapment sting to see if we're as spiritual as we like to think we are. It is about understanding that in relationship with our Father, who art in heaven, is the key to freedom and escape from anything and everything that would interfere with that relationship, both without and within.