Rethinking My Stance

I am what is commonly referred to by some, including myself, as a Big Book Thumper. It is my belief and contention that the foundation for true recovery from alcoholism and addiction can be found in the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am not alone in this. Cocaine Anonymous uses, with the permission of AA, the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, as their text and manual for recovery. Other twelve step programs have adapted the book to fit their group or issue. The program as outlined in the first 164 pages of the Big Book works. It has been proven and stands the test of time.

I am also a firm believer in "old time" recovery. What I mean by that is there is a lot of information and ideas about  how to recover from alcoholism and addiction in the rooms today that is not in the Big Book. Some of this information comes from the experience of those who have gone before us. The stories of others, both those written after the 164 pages and those we hear personally in the rooms tell us how others did it, and some of these stories include things that are not in the first 164 pages. Some of this information comes from advances in psychology. A lot more is understood about how and why we behave the way we do and how the mind works today than was known and understood in the 1930s. Some of the information and ideas about how to recover have come from rehabs, especially since the huge increase in treatment centers that happened in the 1980s. Some of what we have learned and has been introduced into the rooms has been good and helpful, and I am not saying it shouldn't be there. But a lot of it doesn't work, or doesn't work for most. Some  of these ideas are downright harmful to the struggle for recovery. The statistics show this clearly. !2-step programs have gone from rarely has anyone failed to recover to, well, what we have today, which is seeing relapses as common and being "grateful for my relapse" is a topic of some meetings.

Now, please don't get me wrong. That last sentence is not to disparage anyone who claims to be grateful for their relapse. I went back out after 15 months, and I am grateful today that I knew what to do to pull out of the downward spiral I put myself into by picking back up. I am grateful that I made it back into the rooms. And I am grateful for the lessons I learned in and from my relapse, especially the complete emphasis of step one...I truly am powerless and no amount of clean time is going to change that. Once I put alcohol or drugs into my system, all bets are off. I can't control my usage and intake, at least not for long. I learned exactly how true that was by going back out, but it's not a method of learning I would recommend as best.

Anyway, to get back on topic, much of this extra information that has made it into the rooms has stuck in the form of slogans and sayings that are easy to remember and, sometimes unfortunately, easier to repeat. When I first entered the program of recovery, I heard these sayings over and over. Some of them made sense and some didn't. Some I thought I understood and realized later meant something different than I first believed from the context I was hearing them. "It's a selfish program," is one such statement, and I wrote about that in the last entry.

And in the last entry I started what I had thought would be a series on bogus statements heard in the rooms of recovery as shown in a graphic that I posted with the entry. The problem is that I leapt to a conclusion. I glanced at the image, and the first square showed a slogan that is actually contrary, out of context - as it stands - and as it is often used, to what the Big Book says. I skipped to the comments and agreed with those defending the idea that such slogans emphasize will power and run contrary to lasting recovery. I wrote an entry about the first square and intended to write one showing the problem with each of the slogans in the graphic. That is why I titled the last entry "Bogus Statement #1." There were to be more, and there still might be.

But when I chose the next square to write about I ran into a problem. The slogan, "Take The Cotton Out Of Your Ears And Put It In Your Mouth" was what I drew. My immediate reaction was, "Wait a minute." I glanced over the graphic again. There were several slogans, including  the one found above that I don't disagree with. I do not believe that what is found in the first 164 pages is the only way for everyone to recover from addiction and alcoholism. The book itself says that it's not. The book also says that more will be revealed, so I also do not believe that understanding about how to recover ended in the 1930s. I am also not arrogant enough to think that I understand everything or something that those before me don't. The problems I have with the slogans that I take issue with do not come as a result of my own analysis. I heard the objections to these ideas from other Big Book thumpers. I did not come up with them on my own, but I have checked the book to see if I agree with their objections. My analysis may not have come up with the objection, but if I repeat it, my analysis has confirmed it.

And I don't review or attack the slogans being used in the rooms to cause division or to disrespect the many who say these things. It is my purpose to fit myself for maximum service to others, especially the alcoholic and addict who still suffers. Ignorance and parroting don't cause me to grow in usefulness. In order for me to increase my ability to help others, I must also increase my knowledge and understanding of the program of recovery as outlined in the book. When it comes to sayings and slogans, my standard has been this: If it's in the book, it's good, but be sure not to take it out of context. If it's not in the book, it might work for some, it might work for me and it might not - be sure to use it in addition not in place of anything found in the steps. If it contradicts the book, throw it out and stop using it.

Not all of the slogans heard in the room are solution based and trustworthy. And for sure, not all of them are dangerous and bad.  Few still are one-size fits all. I want to make sure that in my quest for better understanding I take each slogan individually. Some have been  helpful and some not  so much. Some that helped me may not work  for others and vice versa.

I will never say in a meeting or to someone I am working with that it's a selfish program. But what about the idea of taking the cotton out of my ears and putting it in my mouth? That's different. I reread several chapters in the book, but I haven't been able to find anything to directly support or contradict the idea, so it falls in the second of the qualifiers I listed.

If I can not quote directly from the Big Book to support or dispute an idea, all I can share is my experience, strength and hope on the subject. My experience may not be everyone's. What works or doesn't as an additional part of the program may not be the same for the next person, and I must keep that in mind when speaking in a meeting or working with someone one on one. And personally, I have never had a problem with this idea of being told to listen. How can I learn anything about how others did what they did  if I am too busy talking?

None of the advisers I have had have ever said this to me, but I did have one suggest I listen more. In the beginning I was suffering and sharing a lot on that. Or finding hope in some new revelation, I was sharing that. I laugh now thinking about how much understanding I thought I had at two months. And there's a good chance I will laugh at my level of understanding at 28 months later down the road. More will be revealed. My adviser suggested that if I needed to and if the chair asked for topic ideas, I could mention  something that I would like to understand better - Step four as a topic comes to mind - I could bring it up at the beginning, but otherwise, for a while I might be better off not sharing unless I was called upon or unless everyone else had already shared. I needed to listen in order to learn. This was done as a suggestion, and I broke it a few times with no negative feedback from my adviser. He gave me the suggestion in private and made it very clear that if I needed to share something or had any questions and wasn't called on that  I could talk to him or anyone else I chose to after the meeting. And I learned a lot because I quite whining about how I was feeling and how hard it was for me during this white-knuckle period and started listening to the solution. While  he did not use this slogan with me, what he suggested I do is what I believe to be the heart of what this slogan means - be quiet and listen, you just might learn something.

I have never heard this slogan used in a meeting in a negative way. The only times that I have heard it spoken in a meeting was when someone shared that they were told this by someone else and it helped them. Similar to my sharing how I learned when I followed the advice above. Used in this way, I have no problem with this slogan.  It's a bit of folk wisdom that has slipped into the rooms that can be quite beneficial. To the best of my knowledge it doesn't contradict anything in the book. We are told to share our experience, strength and hope. and until we have some of these we would probably be better off listening to the experience, strength and hope of others than spilling our selfishness into the meeting.

That said, I learned some other ways this slogan is used from others when I began asking about how others in the program of recovery feel about  and have experienced this saying. Like sharing on a story from the book, this is not my experience but rather my opinion about someone else's. I have never seen this saying used this way and can not prove their validity. That said, why bring up anything negative if I have ever seen or heard it used this way? Because I want to encourage myself not to use the saying at times and  in ways and with people that it may be negative or detrimental to. I need to remember that, especially as something that is not directly in the "exactly how we have recovered" that it might not help some.

Some of us spent years stuffing how we feel and what we think, afraid to say anything for fear of rejection. Some have always been so outside that  they never participated in anything. For these it may be better that they learn to speak up and share during a meeting than being quiet. At the very least, all of us but especially those who fit in this group, we need to make sure it is understood that regardless of whether we share in a meeting or not that we can and should talk to each other outside.

Which brings me to the first way I have heard that this has been done in a negative way. I have been told that some have had their sponsors use this slogan during conversations outside the meeting. This is a folksy way of saying shut up and listen. Sure, we've probably all wanted to say this from time to time. I am not saying that this is never appropriate. If I'm taking someone through the steps and I can't get through a sentence without being interrupted or hearing a "but I" it can make me frustrated. I haven't used this saying, but I have said, "Why don't you let me talk without interruption for five minutes and see if I answer your question before you ask. Then if there's something you object to, or that I didn't answer or that you don't understand you can talk about it then?" Which is basically the same thing...shut up for five minutes and listen. It just isn't quite as abrasive. But some of us need hard assed and abrasion. I have heard many speak with affection of their crusty and slightly rude sponsors. I can't do it that way, and I suggest that those who need that find someone who can. But those who are abrasive and blunt in their approach to working with others also need to understand that, just like the sensitive approach, it doesn't work with and for everyone. For someone who needs sensitivity and understanding, telling  them to take the cotton out of the ears and stuff it in their mouth could hurt more than help.

I have also heard of this being said in meetings not as a sharing of someone's experience but rather directed to someone who is sharing "too much" or something off topic or to someone who doesn't have "enough sobriety to share in meetings," whatever that magic amount of sobriety is. I've heard people shouldn't share until they've worked the steps. I've heard wait six months. I've heard wait a year. I disagree, but people feel differently and different groups run their meetings as they see fit. But even if there is some standard with a group not to share before getting some clean time, I personally feel there are better and less humiliating ways to enforce that than to tell someone in the meeting, in front of everyone, to shut up and listen, especially if the slogan is coming not from the chair but from the floor in the way of cross talk.

There are times when hearing a newcomer complain about the struggle to get clean and sober is exactly what I need to remind me of where I was and where I will be again if I fail to maintain and improve my spiritual condition. Sometimes a newcomer who has barely gotten any time clean has more experience, strength and hope that someone even newer can understand than I can express. People who only have a day sober see 28 months as a long-time and may have more trouble believing that I can relate to what they are going through, just like  it's hard for me to believe at times that someone with thirty years can still relate and remember to the struggles of two and a half years. Sometimes an old-timer might have exactly the right words I need to hear that day, but sometimes those words may come from the mouth of someone who isn't even sober. I need to make sure that I am always listening for God to speak to me, however He chooses to do so. In the Old Testament, God spoke through the mouth of an ass, and I have seen for myself that He can still do so today.

There is wisdom behind the saying take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. A closed mouth catches no flies. Most wisdom studies will eventually get around to talking about learning from being silent. I can not and will not dispute the validity of truth behind the idea that there are times that I would be better off to shut up and listen rather than talk...or write for that matter, which is why I prayed, read, and listened to others for several days before I wrote this. But this is not how to get or stay sober. I can listen to the wisdom of others forever and intently, but unless I take the action to do what they did, not listen to what they did, there will come a time when I find myself defenseless against the first drink or drug. This being quiet and listening is definitely important to knowing the solution, but it is not the solution. I need to be sure to relate that bit of information to anyone I work with, and I need to be sure that if I suggest someone listen to the solution rather than sharing their problems that I offer solution when they listen. I need to make sure never to  use this saying, or even a nicer version of it, in such a way as to make someone feel that they have nothing of value to offer me or to act as though there is anyone, clean or not, that I can't learn something from.