It's not the emergency that it feels like. I've experienced this before, and since I don't have the money to have all my teeth pulled and replaced with dentures, it will happen again. It's a sign that I'm getting sick. I don't really feel it yet, but it's definitely coming. When my sinuses became congested in my head, the pain in what's left of my teeth is the first indicator, even if I can breathe well and my nostrils are clear. But this pain is the worst that it's been in a few years.
So, am I just using my blog as a place to whine about my pain? No, I can't afford to. Self-pity is dangerous. I do have another reason to write. In all truth, this is an attempt to get out of self. I am in a dangerous place at the moment. I am cruising on Recovery Road and a storm just blew in. If I don't pay attention to the change in driving conditions and respond accordingly I am liable to hydroplane and end up in a wreck.
So why am I in danger? What's causing the puddles to form and the water to rise on the road rather than running off? The problem at the moment, what I am having to fight is two-fold. The first is what like I noticed the other day, old resentments that are not as dead as I believed or are trying to resurrect themselves. There are two of these resentments messing with me right now. The first is against myself.
I messed up. Raised with the truth and shown relationship with God in action in the lives of both my parents, I chose to assert my own will and try to live my life my own way. I ran from God. Alcoholism and drug addiction, destruction of relationships and people, and eventually prison resulted from this. God has forgiven me, and most days over the last few years I have forgiven myself. But sometimes I take that forgiveness back and send myself another bill. Taking back my self-forgiveness started at the funeral of my Aunt Earlene. It kills me that I missed the funeral of my Aunt Linda four years ago, because I had just been released and my parole officer wouldn't let me leave the county to attend. I loved my Aunt Linda deeply, and her love for me was such a blessing. I should have been there during here illness and here funeral. My absence from her side and from the presence of my family was a direct result of my own actions, and sometimes I still want to beat myself up for that. I need once again to let it go.
The other resentment grows stronger as the pain in my mouth increases. What started in one tooth has now spread to most of my teeth and throughout my lower jaw. It is constant, and it carries with it both resentments. The one I've already mentioned because had I not gone to prison, my teeth would not be in the shape that they are. Between the fights and the poor dental care my mouth is a mess. And directly effects the second resentment. I wrote a few days ago that my resentment over the health care system in Texas prisons had reared its ugly head. Teeth pain does that as well. Within the first year of my incarceration Texas cut almost all funding associated with the dental care.
But I know, as I wrote a few days ago in "Ghosts Of Resentments Past," how to handle resentments cropping back up. Now that I am painfully aware of these two, I can take care of them. But the other danger is harder for me to deal with, and that is the pain. as I have written repeatedly, I don't do well with pain. I can take it for a while, but then the temptation comes to find a way, any way, to make it stop. Pain in my teeth is especially problematic for me. It's one of the few types of physical pain that I can't seem to just power through, endure and or ignore. Pain puts me right back into self, especially this type of pain.
So I need to get out of self. I have spent extra time praying this morning, which is also difficult for me to do when in pain.Going into the presence of God is the best way that I know to get out of self. The second best way is to be of service. I hope that it's not arrogance on my part to think that my blog is an act of service, but since I pray that what I write may help someone before I write any and every entry, I feel it qualifies. And since I have no transportation until my bike is repaired and it hurts to talk right now (making a phone call a bad idea), this entry is what I have to work with at the moment.
But I don't want to just write about what I am going through right now, the idea is to get out of self, not throw myself deeper in by focusing on the problem. I want to focus on the solution, not the problem. That is a slogan I hear often in the rooms, and that finally brings me to the topic, the slogans we hear so often in the rooms. I wrapped up my series on the Sermon on the Mount yesterday, and this morning I saw something on Facebook that gave me an idea for another series, something to write about when nothing going on in my life gives me a topic.The administrator of the group that posted it title the post "The BS Bingo Card." It looks like this:
I read the comments posted with the image, and I must admit that I didn't feel much surprise that quite a few people defending these sayings that I've heard many many times in the rooms, often from the mouths of old timers giving them weight to the newcomer. So I decided that my next series, when I am not writing of specific issues that I need to deal with, will be on these slogans. I will pick a different one each time and write about it, and I think it's likely that I might step on some toes in the process. That isn't my intention, but I will not compromise when it comes to sharing the program of recovery. It is my belief that taken out of context and as they are often used, these slogans are dangerous, especially to the newcomer. Since our primary purpose is tied directly to showing other alcoholics and addicts precisely how we have recovered and since for the real addict and alcoholic anything short of recovery leads to death, we should be very careful with we present as recovery.
Many in the rooms, swear by these. As I wrote, it isn't my intention to cause disputes or hurt feelings. If someone reading this disagrees with me, I ask for two things. First, I ask that you hear me out and check what I write against the content of the first 164 pages of the Big Book. If anything I write doesn't stand against those pages, please throw it out and call me on it. I am still learning and don't know everything. And that is the second things I ask. If you disagree, please feel free to comment, either here or where I post the link to the entries on Facebook. Feel free to disagree with my thoughts and words, but be ready to back up your objection with information directly from the 164, and please attack what I said, not me. Thank you. Now, to get on with this.
Since I am writing today to get out of self, the choice of the first slogan to discuss came easily to me. "It's a selfish program." I've heard it over and over. For that matter, I said it myself early on before I learned better. This is a bogus statement, BS, that, in my opinion is very dangerous to the newcomer.
Albert Einstein said, "We can not solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." The Big Book has this to say on the subject of selfishness:
"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." Big Book page 62, line 7
"Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of the selfishness. We must, or it kills us!" Big Book page 62, line 19
If Einstein is right in saying we can't solve our problems with the same thinking that caused them and we go by what the book says in the first 164 that selfishness is the problem, then how can recovery from selfishness by being selfish? It's a direct contradiction. We can't rid ourselves of selfishness by acting selfishly!
We are told to ask in inventory "Where have we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" (Big Book page 67 line 17) and "Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?" (Big Book page 69, line 14). We are instructed to subject every relation to the test "was it selfish or not?" Big Book page 69, line 21).
When these facts are taken into account and we know that we are to rid ourselves of and guard ourselves against selfishness in all our relations and situations, how can we say this is a selfish program? It certainly is not. The Big Book upon which the program is founded one main purpose, "To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book," (Big Book page xiii, line 5) by enabling the reader "to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem." (Big Book page 49, line 9)
When these quotes are brought to the attention of those who say the program is selfish, they sometimes point out that Bill Wilson said our own spiritual growth and recovery must come first, before we can help anyone else. And if that is what is meant by being selfish, we should just say that! There is a difference between putting our own program first and selfishness? How so? If we are putting our own book-based program first we are not being selfish. We can't be because our program will not be selfish. It's purpose is to put self to death.
The first action we take in the steps is to pray the Third Step prayer: "God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will Always!" While we most certainly benefit from recovery, the purpose of recovery is to do God's will and help others. We declare this in the above prayer. In the third step we turn ourselves over to God and ask to be given victory in order to give Him the glory and to be able to help others. There is nothing selfish about this, even though I do benefit.
Then again in Step Seven we pray: "My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding. Amen." Once again the purpose of my recovery is not to give me the life worth living, a side-effect I am grateful to God for, but to ready me for service to others.
The examples we are given in the first 164 pages do not show founding members of the program delving into their own program or going to meetings to share their issues when the obsession to drink popped up. They looked for another alcoholic. They didn't look for someone who could understand what they were going through and give them a sympathetic ear. They looked for another like them to help, so that in serving and helping someone else, they were given relief from self, and as a by-product of self being silenced the desire to drink was squelched.
But what's the big deal? If we know that putting our own program first is what is meant by "selfish program," how is saying it that way a problem? Unfortunately, while putting working our own program before helping someone else with theirs (so that we can better help others with theirs) may be what is meant by the old timers saying the program is selfish, I often hear the "selfish" phrase used when someone is considering giving less of themselves to areas of life outside of the rooms. We aren't encouraged to neglect our families, jobs, or other responsibilities in order to devote time to the program and spiritual pursuits. It is plainly written in the Big Book repeatedly that we rejoin society and serve and contribute, not hide away into a 12-step program insulated cave where we selfishly look after our own needs and fulfillment.
Just like everything else in life, it's about balance. I've seen and done it both ways. Some live, breath, sleep and eat the 12 Steps and fellowship so much that their family can't tell a difference from drinking and sober. They're still not available to, for or with anyone outside of the rooms. Then there are times, like now I'm sorry to say, when making a meeting is a rare occurrence, and when a meeting is made arrival is late and departure is early. The flip side of too much, where giving someone a ride or taking someone through the steps or just helping the alcoholic or addict who still suffers is something I don't have time for because I'm too busy with outside relationships and situations. In both extremes we are failing to be of service somewhere we are supposed to be. And to use "It's a selfish program, I have to take care of myself" as an excuse for either of these is a sign that my recovery is not as stable as it needs to be. I must be rid of selfishness or I die. It's that simple.
Healthy boundaries, learning to do what's best for those in my life, both inside and outside the rooms, as well as what is best for me is something I have to learn and put into practice. How can I be of service to my wife and family? How can I be of service to the alcoholic and addict who still suffers? Most of all, how can I be of service to God? What do I need to do for and within me to make that possible and to do it better? That is what the program is about. It is most certainly not a selfish program.
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