HALT ~ You're Killing Me

I vividly remember the first time someone told me to watch out for HALT. A woman came up to me after a meeting in which I had spent the time with muscles clinched and hands shaking and said, in true care and concern for my state and well being, that I needed to know and watch out for HALT. She explained that it meant hungry, angry, lonely and tired and that any one of these feelings was dangerous, especially during early sobriety. But if I felt more than one of these at the same time I needed to call someone and or make a meeting right away because I was in serious danger of relapse. At the very least I needed to address the symptoms described and eat, forgive, hang out with another alcoholic and or rest, depending on what I was feeling.

I have a lot of respect for this woman. Few in the program of recovery showed such genuine concern for me and my sobriety early on. She is the one who put the solution in my hands, and I am eternally grateful to her for that. But I can remember her giving me the HALT spill and my thinking, "Lady, you've got to be kidding me. I just got out of prison! I'm always angry. I haven't slept through the night without chemical help in longer than I can remember, and don't get me started on how lonely I feel. If HALT is the solution to my staying sober, I'm doomed. I might as well go get drunk now and get it over with. At least that way my hands will stop shaking."

Thankfully I didn't just go get it over with by getting drunk. I talked to my sponsor a few minutes later and told him that I might as well move into the recovery hall because according to HALT I would always be in immediate danger of relapse. He laughed and told me that if I didn't know that I was in a constant state of near relapse I was deluding myself. I understood what he meant, and he was right. I was white-knuckling  it, bringing every ounce of will power to bear to keep from drinking one minute at a time.I also  knew that, fight as I might, my will power would fail. The only question was how long would I hold out before the inevitable folding of the cards. I needed something that took away my need to drink, my craving for escape.

I stuffed  myself on pizza, but  that didn't help. I found someone to fight the loneliness with, but that didn't work either. The relationships I had when I first came in the program of recovery weren't right, and most times as I smoked my afterglow cigarette I felt more lonely than I had before the hook up. I still didn't have a clue as to how  to breathe without being angry, and I couldn't sleep. I was always tired. And I still wanted to drink and drug. Several relapses and my inability to make it to the one month mark proved to me that all my will power and fight and fear of prison couldn't keep me sober, and my first instinct when I heard HALT remained true. There was no solution there.

I'm sure I have already begun stomping on some toes of my fellows, so let me say for the record that there is obviously some truth in the HALT idea. This slogan comes from therapy and rehab settings where we watch for triggers. Stay away from the things that trigger me to use, and I can stay clean and sober. And for some people this may help, especially early on. I am the first to agree that if I am newly dry and still shaking and sweating it out, sitting in a bar or in a drug den so that I can talk to my buddies is probably a stupid idea. That said, the trigger idea of recovery comes from psychologists who are not alcoholics or addicts and don't really understand us. Unfortunately it has been preached to such an extent that now alcoholics and addicts are parroting the message as though it's part of the solution. Stay away from triggers. Identify and watch out for your triggers.

But the truth is that for the real alcoholic and addict the idea behind triggers is bogus, bogus, bogus. And HALT is just a grouping of triggers common to everyone at some point and time. It is totally run on self will. I must be vigilant about my feelings and situations. If I don't put myself in dangerous places or allow myself to feel dangerous feelings I can keep myself sober. But what does the Big Book say?

 The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure,

have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will

power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at

certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient

force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a

week or a month ago. We are without defense against the

first drink.

~AA Big Book: Page 24

 Once more: the alcoholic at certain times has no

effective mental defense against the first drink. Except

 in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human

being can provide such a defense. His defense

must come from a Higher Power.

~AA Big Book Page 43

At the heart of things, this is a Step One issue. Step one says that I have come to believe that I am powerless over alcohol (and or drugs depending on the program of recovery) and that my life has become unmanageable.  So is this or is this not true for me? Can I control whether or not I drink or use again or do I need God to do that for me? If I am powerless then there will come a time when will power, triggers or lack of them, hungry or full, angry or happy, lonely or not, tired or rested, job or no job, wife or no wife. when good or bad my circumstances won't matter and I will pick up. There is nothing I can do to stop it. It's not a matter of if but when. Moreover, there's nothing a sponsor, an old timer, a family member, a preacher, a cop, judge or boss can do to stop it. It will happen, unless God Himself provides the power that I do not have on my own. And isn't managing my triggers just another way of me trying to manage my life, which I just admitted was unmanageable by me?

Left on my own without relationship with God, I will sooner or later default to the self-centered, selfish, hedonistic, escapist that I always was, and that man is a serious user, both of chemicals and people. There is truth in HALT, but not solution. It is true that when I am hungry, angry, lonely and or tired I am more irritable, among other things. I snap at people more. I have and show less love and tolerance. Why? Because I am focused on me and how I feel. The Big Book says I must be rid of self or else I die. Christ said that he who gives up his life will find life. In order to live and have a life worth living I must die to self.  Surrender to win. Die to live. These are spiritual truths.

The idea of HALT keeps me in self. How do I feel? Emotionally what is my status? Oops, I'm in a state of one or more of the following: hungry, angry, lonely, tired. What can I do for myself to make myself feel these less? Self. Self. I am feeling this. I can do this to fix it. My power. My will. My vigilance. And sooner or later my drunkenness.

The solution is not to be on guard against feelings and situations but rather to get away from selfishness and self-centeredness, to find relationship with the One who has all power, to tap into that power by turning my life and will over to Him, to make myself  of maximum service to Him and my fellow human beings. Serve God, clean house, help others. Do what He wants, for others.

The truth is that sometimes I am hungry and sometimes I am not. If I am spiritually fit being hungry makes me want to eat not drink or drug. If I am not spiritually fit nothing tops of a good meal like a drink. I could not will away my anger any more than I could will away my desire to drink and drug. I worked the steps, and after my fifth step I found that I had forgiven and released much of my anger without even realizing it. But I still have anger from time to time. The way I have to deal with that is spiritual. I have to get closer to God. I have to let Him have my anger and resentments. But I learn to do both of those through the steps. Someone who has not worked the steps and or had a spiritual awakening can not control his anger any more than his drinking. Similarly, the solution to loneliness is found in communion with the Creator. Relationship with God is the only true and lasting cure for loneliness. And God is also our rest.

Simply put, the answer to the HALT dilemma is God. The way to find relationship with God is to acknowledge my need for Him, surrender to Him, admit my part in what has kept me from Him, confess. ask Him to make the changes in me that will remove the distance between Him and me and enable me to serve, make amends to those I have harmed and continue in all these things, seeking to improve the relationship that I found through prayer and meditation, serving others and sharing the spiritual solution to all our problems. Without doing these things, triggers don't matter. I'll make new ones. Without working the steps, HALTed or not I will use eventually. But if I thoroughly follow the path of recovery it won't matter if I get hungry, I will learn to quickly release anger to God, I will find the solution to loneliness in relationship with Him who made me, and I will find rest in the serenity that comes from that relationship.

When the newcomer stands shaking before us, we don't need to tell him to beware of feeling HALT. We need to point him to the permanent solution to all of these. Let's HALT the newcomer by helping, accepting, loving and tolerating them enough to  give them solution that doesn't have anything to do with them and everything to do with the One who has all power. After all, that is how it works.