Fear Not?

Tomorrow morning  I go to the hospital to get pre-op tests done. I am so grateful that I was able to honestly say that I am clean and that there is nothing that the anesthesiologist needs to know about to prevent adverse reactions. That is both a blessing and a miracle. What is as big a miracle is that as the moment approaches when I will allow one man to send me into a reversible (hopefully) drug-induced coma and another man make a cut in my throat before probing around by my pulmonary artery to get a biopsy of the lymph node against it, I do not feel a need or desire to escape my fear. It's a fairly routine procedure and rarely are there complications associated with it, so why am I feeling so scared. Am I being over dramatic?

I do feel foolish, But I don't believe that I am acting like a drama queen. An article in the New England Journal of Medicine actually defines general anesthesia as a "reversible drug-induced coma." The article goes on to  say, "Nevertheless, anesthesiologists refer to it as “sleep” to avoid disquieting patients." I  have known how closely related general anesthesia and coma are since my teen years, and I am disquieted. It's foolish and strange, but while I have doped and drunk myself into oblivion and near death on more than one occasion, have taken a handful of pills offered by someone only asking after they were down, "What was that?," and I have trusted chemical combinations in my body that God never intended to flow through human blood. But general anesthesia scares me.

There have been two types of time periods in my life when death has not frightened me. The first was during brief times of faith in God and assurance of His love for me. The other, and more frequent unfortunately, came during times of such deep despair and misery that escape from the  pain became all I longed for, even the ultimate escape of death. But coma, coma scared me senseless. The last thing that I ever wanted was to be immobile, trapped within my own mind. Trying to escape the prison of my own mentality is a big part of why I began drinking and drugging in the first place. I spent years trying to get out of my head. The idea of being trapped in there scares me more than I realized before it became clear that I need to have this mediastinoscopy. I realized this morning that this fear is the true reason behind years of insisting on having a do not resuscitate order. There are things that have always frightened me more than death, and this is one of them.

There are times when it becomes real to me that the fearless and thorough inventories I have done were completely thorough. Logically I always know this. There are things I don't remember. There are things that don't come to mind until some situation rises them from the mists of memory. This morning I tried to figure out why I felt such fear about the procedure I am having Monday. I realize that if it had come to mind during any of my inventories, this wold have been close to the top of my fears list.

So while I am grateful that the desire to escape, the urge to drink and or drug has not manifested, I don't like being afraid. I know that when I am afraid I have not accepted some aspect of God's will for my life or have taken back some part of my will and life from God's care. Either I am not accepting what He is doing in my life or I'm trying to run the show again.  Neither option is healthy for me spiritually or good for my recovery. If I stay afraid long enough, I will seek escape. Fear is a prison in which I refuse to be incarcerated in for long. I like horror movies and roller coasters, but I do not like to truly be afraid. I will seek to end the fear, escape it, or overcome it.

The big fears, the ones that mess with my mind and steal my serenity, I am incapable of gutting up, facing, and overcoming them on my own. I am powerless against them. But there is One who has all power - that One is God, and I need to find Him now because if I can not overcome by His power and His might, then the siren call of chemicals sings that she knows the way of escape.

Another thing that I have to be grateful for is that I have learned to deal with fear on the road to recovery. I spent the morning, after my usual prayer and meditation, doing a mini-inventory on my upcoming surgery because I grew more and more uneasy the moment I said let's do it to the doctor. I examined myself honestly and closely and discovered the fear that I wrote of earlier.

The word discovered seems wrong somehow. I have mentioned more than once over the past few days that I would feel better about the surgery if I could be awake during it, if they could use nerve blockers and locals rather than putting me under. Since I know the idea of feeling better to be awake during is crazy and also that I honestly meant it, the fear should have been obvious. I have admitted fear of going under, but I didn't realize how strong and deep that river cut through me, the power it has over my emotions and ability to rest and trust God.

I listed the evil and corroding thread that is tying me into knots. I asked myself why I have this fear. As much as it shames me to admit it, it is simply failure to trust God. It effects my security. There are areas where I still want to be self-reliant. Going under I can not pretend to be even a little bit in control. My life, more importantly my ability to wake up, is in God's hands and the anesthesiologist. Self-reliance not only fails me here, I must surrender it completely.

But I have learned there is a better way to live than being self-reliant. What I need most is to remember that I am now living on the basis of trusting in and relying on an infinite God. I am here to play the role that He assigns, and come Monday He has cast me in the role of patient who places all in His hands and the hands of a trained stranger who does not want to get sued for screwing up. I prayed and asked Him to remove my fear and direct my attention to what He would have me be.

Today that is a good husband. That is a son who is a blessing to his parents rather than a hardship. A friend who can understand the fears others are facing and can listen and help instead of focusing on his own situation at the expense of helping others. That is an alcoholic and addict who has recovered of a hopeless state of mind and body and has found a solution that doesn't involve oblivion and chemicals who can use a God-given talent for expressing things in writing to share his weakness, experience, strength and hope. Today I am called to be a man who can release self-reliance and trust in God and perhaps help inspire others to do the same.

Just like in every area of my life, when I deal with fear I am sure to fail if I try to be God. I will succeed only if I trust God. How am I trying to be God? Because I want to know and control the future outcome.  But the power to know and control the future is something God has, not I.

Yes, I am afraid of being in a coma. I am afraid that they'll put me in under and not be able reawaken me. But those are only surface ripples. Under them is the true fear that is causing the waves. The fear of uncertainty. I can not know exactly how this is going to go. What will happen. What they will find (a lesser but real fear as well). But God has proved to me that He is with me and for me. He wants me to trust Him, and I need to do that.

More than 100 times in the Bible God commanded people "Don't be afraid." All through the scriptures as people faced crisis God's first response was to encourage them to fear not. But God is a loving Father, and He will never ask of me anything  that He will not provide the power to accomplish. I don't need to muster up faith within myself and from my belief. I must surrender even more to His care and allow Him to do the work.

After praying and thinking about this fear in particular and fear in general this morning, I have come to the simple conclusion that I would rather have God know and control my future than me. I make a lot of mistakes, some of them horrible ones. God doesn't. He doesn't make mistakes at all.  Even when I know what to expect or what should or will happen I sometimes make the wrong move, decision or choice. God never does. I don't have the power to truly control myself, much less others and situations outside myself. But God has all the power in the universe that He created.

Still, I sometimes have trouble trusting Him. It's one of my character defects that proves only that I am a human being. It's human nature to want to be in control, to want to be lord of my life. On one hand I have my stubborn will saying fight for your own life, do it your way, never surrender. On the other I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to my soul and saying, "Take courage. It is I. Do not be afraid."

The first argument has never led to anything good in my life. The second idea, that I should recognize Christ in my life and trust Him has never failed me when I submitted to it.  I may be powerless, but I do have a choice. I can let fear dance me around like a puppet, or I can cast my cares on Him who cares for me. My security is in Him, not in myself. My past failures and present victories through Him over alcohol and drugs and other areas have proved that.

When I'm trying to obey that command to fear not, when I need to rip the thread of fear from the fabric of my life, willpower alone just doesn't cut it. I can try to squelch our fearful thoughts, but they just keep popping up, like a ball held under water. Two things are necessary.

First, I have to acknowledge that fear is too strong for me, so only God can handle it. I have to turn my fears over to Him, remembering that He is all-power, all-knowing, and always in control. Second, I have to replace a bad habit—fear thoughts—with a good habit, namely prayer and confidence in God. I may be able to switch thoughts with lightning speed, but I can't think of two things at once. If I'm praying and thanking God for His help, I can't be thinking about fear at the same time.

I felt near-panic yesterday morning. The fear came and went throughout the day, but when it came it grew. This morning it felt like a weight against my chest. The Big Book promises that as we realize our need to rely on Him and pray, our fear will immediately begin to decrease. I can not say that I am not in the least afraid of going under now, but I can say that I am much less afraid and have more peace about the procedure than I had before I did my inventory and things have improved even more as I wrote this. I may have this fear rise back up before Monday, but I can recognize it now for what it is and know what to do about it.

Fear is a lifelong battle, but God is our lifelong Protector. He promised to never abandon or forsake us. When we are secure in His love, nothing can snatch us from Him, not even death. By holding tightly to God, no matter what, we can make it through, without any or in spite of our fear. May the peace that passes all understanding keep your heart and mind through Christ Jesus, and may you walk the recovery road in serenity.