Time For Repairs

It's Thursday morning, and I am feeling much better today than I have since the surgery on Monday. I feel blessed to have been able to continue to maintain my daily spiritual routine not only Monday but every day after. Though my dosage of pain killers is extremely low the presence of narcotics in my system and on my bedside table have motivated me to be extremely concerned about my spiritual state over the last few days. I am recovered of a hopeless state of mind and body that leads to my drinking and drugging but I am  not cured of the phenomenon of the craving that is activated by the introduction of chemicals to my system. I know that I am not immune to the dangers of using simply because I have a legitimate reason and doctor's orders to use. Nor will the illusion of control that comes from following prescription times and dosages provide safety. I have a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. The key word for me here is maintenance.

There are two parts to maintenance. Regular inspection and care is one. With a vehicle this would include things like checking air pressure in tires, checking the fluids, checking the belts, etc and then taking the proper steps to correct anything that isn't right. With my spiritual program this includes starting my day with prayer and mediation, reading and studying recovery and spiritual materials. keeping an eye on the "spiritual gauges" as I go through the day so that I know quickly if and when I fall into self will, and making the proper adjustments when I do, and ending the day in review and prayer.

The second part of maintenance is tied with the last part of the vehicle maintenance. There are times when checking everything reveals a problem. Other times something that isn't on the regular check list breaks down or shows some sign of problem. To keep the vehicle properly maintained I must repair the problem as quickly as possible. Continuing to drive while something  is breaking down can cause serious damage to other parts of the vehicle and could cause an accident. Spiritually there are times when problems are revealed during normal checking and other times a situation reveals the problem. Regardless of how I learn of an area where the is a problem with my spiritual life, I need to repair it as quickly as possible in order to maintain my spiritual condition and conscious contact with God, and as a by-product maintain my sobriety.

Last Friday morning all my gauges red lined. Leah and I went into the hospital  to make the financial arrangements for my surgery and to do the pre-op tests. Within the first few minutes of talking to the woman in the financial office I snapped at her. I became angry. Leah attempted to calm me down and get me to check myself. For some reason, this only increased my foolish anger. I calmed down enough to work things out at the office, but the bitter taste of anger remained in my mouth and my attitude worsened. Leah bore the brunt of my emotional state I am ashamed to admit. I snapped at her. I raged against self-restraint creating a dangerous energy that scared my wife. She has been blessed to have escaped witnessing what I was like  when anger boiled just below the surface of my life at every moment and fueled almost all of my actions and reactions.

Most of that anger was quelled when I took my first fifth step. More died later as I learned how to better recognize and release resentments. But some, obviously, has not yet been rooted out and dealt with well enough to completely kill it. The anger would surface, and I would deal with it, cutting off everything I could see, but the root remained, growing under the surface to pop up later, stronger and more resilient. The situation that happened Friday also happened at the end of August, only less severe.

I got angry, snapped at a receptionist and allowed my anger to frighten my wife. Not liking how I effected Leah, I looked at the problem, realized I was wrong, prayed, released that anger and made an amends to my wife. But I didn't find  the root. I didn't find the real cause for the anger. I never examined past seeing how I reacted wrongly to the receptionist. I didn't look at the strength of the anger and how quickly it surfaced, which indicated that it was something that had burned from an old and very hot coal rather than from a new match. Because I failed to deal with what happened properly and fully the fire rekindled to blaze again in less than two months, this time worse. I saw all of this Friday, but still didn't see the root.  I couldn't identify and therefore put out the buried ember.

I saw this Friday but only did enough to put out the surface fire.  I got calm.  I released the anger I felt, even cried a little though I couldn't figure out why, made amends both to my wife and the office worker. Then I  resolved to do a deeper inventory on the problem. After that I got busy with preparations for the surgery and other excuses and put my revelation of the problem that needed to be dealt with aside. In other words, I kept driving with the check engine light on simply because the gauge was no longer in the red.

Though I have been diligent with my normal  spiritual routine during my recovery from surgery, I haven't gone back to this underlying issue. This morning three of my daily readings had anger as the topic. God has gently nudged me back to the ash pile so that I can remember that under the surface an ember still burns. I need to put it out.

Something happened  in the office Friday morning and the time back in August that emotionally acted as a time machine. Instantly I returned to prison. The prison of anger, but also the material prison of my past. Mentally and emotionally I felt exactly how I felt in similar situations during seven and a half years of incarceration. My fight or flight response was triggered. For years flight was not an option. That only left fight, and fight I did, even when I knew that the result would not be good. I knew I couldn't win, but I would go down fighting rather than surrender. This is not a good attitude to slip into for someone who has learned that surrender is the key to victory.

Friday morning I  felt this huge weight press against my chest and breathing became difficult. Tears fell slowly. At the time I couldn't figure out why. This morning as I responded to the nudge to deal with this anger before it flares back to fire I realized what triggered my tears. At one point while we worked through what was happening together Leah said, "I'm sorry that you felt like you were being treated like a number rather than a human being." Somewhere in this observant statement and the emotions birthed from  it  is the key.

Obviously there are still resentments from my prison years unreleased, hurts that have not healed and that I have not forgiven. Also there are very real fears that rise in me when I am devalued in certain ways. I  must release these things, forgive and allow God to heal my soul in these areas. But the ease in which this ember is blown into a flame is  proof that the coal burns hot and I can't put it out on my own. If I could, then I would have before now instead of putting out the flames and missing the embers beneath the ash. So I will do what I can this morning and schedule an appointment with my spiritual adviser to learn what I need to do to put out the fire completely.

My God is definitely big enough to handle any problem, even those that have festered under the worst conditions. Some have said I have PTSD because of my prison experience. But I know that God can heal even those kind of wounds. The main thing is that I need to get out of His way and let Him. I can't put off the needed maintenance and repairs. If I do, something will eventually break to the point where I can no longer travel the road of recovery. I have to make sure that this fire is extinguished before it burns me up and those I care about along with me.

I am grateful for the gauges that allow me to see what is wrong and what to do. But examination and seeing the problem is not enough. If I want to keep my spiritual car running and continue cruising the recovery road, I must fix and replace the damaged parts. Sometimes I can do this work under my own shade tree. Sometimes I need an experienced mechanic. This is one of those latter times. God grant me the serenity to accept the things outside myself that I cannot change, the courage to change the things inside myself that I can, the wisdom to know the difference, and the wisdom to know that when I change the things within myself that I can, that though I have to do the work, it's God that does the changing in me and sometimes I need outside help to know what work I need to do and how to get out of God's way.