Thanksgiving

What an amazing day! I know it's supposed to get cold before the day is over, but right now it is so comfortable and pretty out here on my porch. I just saw a birds nest in a tree I hadn't seen before. In a little while I will be meeting with some of my family for Thanksgiving dinner. And I have so much to be thankful for.

I am most thankful for a relationship with my Creator. Nothing means more to me. It is such a blessing to know that I am loved by God and cared for. Through working on my relationship with Him, I am closer to being the man that I was created to be than I ever have been. I can be the husband, son, brother, friend and servant that I find joy in being. I am comfortable in my own skin. Thank you Father.

This year I celebrate my first Thanksgiving with Leah, and I am so grateful for that.

I didn't believe I could have such a wonderful relationship after all that I have done to build destruction in my life, the lives of others and the relationships of my past. I don't deserve her or the blessings that she brings to my life, but I am so grateful and thankful that love is not about deserve. It is a gift, and I receive hers with joy and thanksgiving.

I am thankful for the rest of my family...those I was born with and those I have been adopted into. My parents have shown me such love and support. They are amazing examples of relationship, and I am so blessed to have them in my life. Two brothers by birth that I love and would give whatever I could to make their lives better if they needed me to. A large number of aunts and uncles that I love and who love me.My adopted brother Clint and his family have been such a blessing to my life and such a part of the blessings God has given me.Two sisters-in-law that fill my heart with Joy at the blessing they bring to the lives of my brothers.

I am thankful for the relationship that has begun already with Leah's mother and sister. I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

I don't know that I would even be here without the love, guidance and support of my Spiritual Adviser. Dixie I am so thankful for you and Frankie. You are a wonderful couple and such a blessing to me and my family. I am thankful for you both.

Today, I have friends in my life that are true friends. Friends that want the best for me and care for me because they do, not because it might help them or because I have access to drugs or alcohol handy. I have friends that want to help me rather than use me. This is a blessing that I am thankful for,

I am thankful for a few special people that are closer than friends...Crystal, Derrin, Duke and River, my life is richer today because you are in it. I am grateful that you are a part of my not-so-typical family.

I have been thankful for a while for my friendship with my ex-wife. But after seeing yet another example of when relationships don't end as well and where exes act like enemies on the attack rather than civil at least and friends at best, I am even more thankful for my friendship with Jan.

I am thankful for my business, Eclectic Imagery, ad the opportunity to do what I love as a career. The potential seems to be growing. What a blessing I have received. Along with that, I am grateful to God for the gifts that He has given me that bring art into my life and allow me to pass it on to others. I am grateful that my self-worth is not tied into what others think of my work today. The acceptance or rejection of my work by others does not define who I am as a photographer and artist and certainly not who I am as a person.

I am thankful for so much more, but I could list forever and miss something or someone. My life is blessed today because of God and the changes that have occurred in my life since I walked into the rooms. Six months sober and clean is a blessing, and I am thankful today for every day of it. I don't have to be down on myself for throwing away the fifteen months that I had. Life is good.

Thankful For Fourth

I have done two 4th steps, made a personal inventory of myself. The second time came as a result of my relapse earlier this year. It was thorough for the time that it needed to cover and had the needed result. That said, it was my first go round with this often feared step that was the most thorough in the amount of my life covered. It's the only time I've done a complete inventory of my time on this planet. Today I am so thankful to my first spiritual adviser who pushed me to do it and then listened to the results.

My 4th step is why I can be sure. What do I mean? Someone very important to me asked me recently how I can be sure about my relationship. If certain things have always been a part of my relationships, how can I know that those situations won't occur again? How can I trust? I didn't know the answer. All I could say is I just know. Not a very satisfying answer I must admit.

This morning I realize the answer lies in my 4th step. Through my 4th step, I could examine, evaluate and understand the patterns in my life and behavior. Where have I gotten into relationships with people who used, abused and discarded me and why? Where have been the one who used, abused and discarded and why? Where have I fallen short? Where have others let me down? Where have I gotten into situations where I expected too much from others...or too little? Etc.

By understanding the patterns of the past, I can better evaluate current situations. I don't have to be afraid a friend is going to treat me like "so called friends" of the past did when I can point out the many areas where they do not belong in the same category of the people who hurt me. I have friends I can have confidence in when lending them money for example when before I had better consider it a gift or not do it. Few of my former friends could have been trusted with a loan. The situation would be the same, a friend asking for cash, but the parameters of the equation are totally different.

Today I can have confidence in my ability to be faithful to a partner because I have done the inventory and know why I wasn't in the past. I can see that my motives and expectations are different today, so the results will also be different. Today I can trust in ways I couldn't before because of things I learned about myself and why I made the choices I made.

I am so grateful for this. I thanked God this morning for the relationship that I am in. I thanked Him that I do not need another person to fill the God-shaped hole in my life (an equation doomed from the start) but at the same time have a companion that fits me. I am grateful that I can evaluate my motives, expectations and all other qualifying aspects of the situation and know that despite my past track record I can have faith that I am right where I am supposed to be and that I can be the man and partner I need and want to be to care for the one I am blessed enough to have been given the chance to share my life with. Without my 4th step inventory I believe I would be quite afraid more times than not. And I'm grateful that I can finally answer the question, because I hate the answer because I said so...even when I am the one who said so.

I Need To Learn To Forgive

It's time for me to let go...past time. Repeatedly I believe that I have let go and released my past and its resentments only to discover this isn't the case. I had a moment to talk with my pastor about one of these resentments last night. I believed I had forgiven and let go. The situation wasn't bothering me. I did not want to drink or drug over it. When I did my second fourth step I didn't even write it down, because it didn't come to mind. Yet, I know I had not released it.

I know this because a few days ago I heard about the death of a man who had been near the top of my resentments list on my first fourth step. When I received the news I rejoiced. I felt glad that the man had died and that it had not been a pleasant death. This is not a good indicator of my spirituality. Yes, this person had hurt me greatly, abused me and made my life hell for years, but the truth is that I am the one who put myself in the place where he could do those things. Another truth is that he was an addict. He was sick, just like me. His actions and attitudes came as a result of that sickness. I should have been sad that he failed to find the solution that I have been blessed to find. He may have been a wonderful man in recovery. But no one will ever know because the beast took him to the grave. That is not something to feel happy about.

I believe that true forgiveness will produce compassion in me for the person forgiven. I will care about what happens to that person. If I am to treat that person as though he is sick and use that idea to help forgive, then I should have sympathy for that person and pray that the get well. I want to learn how to truly forgive those I have had resentments against. I do not want that poison in my system any longer.

Full Moon

This morning a story from my childhood came to my mind. I remember one of my favorite stories was told on a live recording of a singer named Barry McGuire called "To The Bride" with him, The 2nd Chapter of Acts, and A Band Called David. He spoke of taking a trip on a ship and being out on deck at night watching dolphins play in the reflection of the moon on the water. He had a revelation that it's not nearly as important how much his own light shown but rather how much he reflected the light of God for others to see. Like the moon reflects the light of the sun, those living a spiritual life are reflections of their Creator. This morning, my prayer echoes that of the cry I heard from Barry so many years ago. God, I want to be a full moon!

Laughter

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." ~ e.e. cummings

I used to have a lot of days without laughter. Other days there was much laughter, but it was of the empty, hollow, and senseless variety. I confused foolishness and confusion with mirth. It was not unusual to lose myself in giggle fits over the most inane things while under the influence. I honestly believed I would laugh less in sobriety. When I first started the journey to recovery, I feared I might not laugh much if at all.

This has proved untrue. I laugh more today than I have since my childhood. True, honest laughter that bubbles up from within and pours out like water. It's refreshing and contagious. It is easy now that I am in the habit of laughing regularly to see why it is said that laughter is good medicine. It heals. But I had to start healing to find it.

Sanctuary

I am blessed, and God has given me so much. But all too often, I continue to live and consider all that I have been given with the anticipation that at some point the universe will drop a boot on my head. I worry that I am like the deer that has found a secret stash of sweet corn only to discover too late that it was a hunter's bait.

But that attitude comes from using my old understanding and thoughts when considering my Creator. It means that I am not trusting Him. Why do I feel that what God has given me and placed in my life will be taken away and or used against me? Because I have lost sight of a God that truly and deeply loves and cares for me and returned to the idea of a God that either doesn't care and leaves me to struggle through life on my own, or worse yet, a God who toys with me the way a child cruelly toys with and tortures an insect to watch it squirm.

God is not hunting me to cause me harm. He hasn't given me gifts and talents to use and people to love so that He can lure me into a sense of safety and get the easier kill shot. He loves me. He has made a sanctuary for me where the hunter is not allowed to go, and because He knows that I will go where the hunter is, driven by my own desires and instincts, and yes, needs, He has provided for me within the sanctuary. He planted a section of clover and sweet corn so that I can enjoy it in the safety of His refuge and not need to seek it out where it is being used as bait. He has made sure that there are areas I can rest, and run, and hide, and play in the sun. But it is up to me to make this place my home. Because it is in the leaving and returning to such safety that I am most vulnerable to the wise hunter who, unable to hunt inside the sanctuary, sets up at the border to kill the deer who comes and goes. Today I realize I need to stay within the sanctuary God has prepared for me, where my every need is provided for and I have the safety to live happy, joyous and free and am saturated with serenity.

Seeing Fall In Me

It is so easy for me to look at myself and see those areas where there is death and not life. I can be so hard on myself over these areas. But while it is important and good for me to see honestly and accurately the areas in my life that are not growing and full of life, I can not beat myself up over them.

For one thing, the philosophy of progress not perfection reminds me that the regeneration and restoration of my life will not be instant. I will never achieve perfection on this plane of existence, so to expect my life to be free of all areas of defect and death is foolishness.

Sometimes the areas of my life that are not green with growth are that way because I made choices in the past that brought destruction into my life. These are the most disappointing for me, but I can know that as long as I have stopped doing what I did to kill parts of myself and as long as there are areas that are still living, especially at the core, then my tree of life can continue to flourish and even those areas already damaged can be healed.

But other times, these areas are a necessary part of growth. Things in my life that were keeping me from my conscious contact with my Creator or that were simply no longer useful need to die and fall away so that they can be replaced with new growth.

Like a tree, my life goes through cycles. What was new growth, needed and beautiful in the spring cycle must mature, die, and fall away to make room for new growth to come. It doesn't mean there was anything wrong with the leaves in my life or that I did anything to bring about their destruction. It is not a sign that my Creator is disappointed or that I am not where I should be. Sometimes it is the most important sign that I am right where I should be and growing. There is no growth without death. At times it hurts to feel the results of these cycles in my life. Sometimes it isn't easy to know for sure what is a result of my tree growing more healthy in the cycle God intended and what is a result of my own destructive choices. But I know God cares for the trees that can not give Him praise, how much more must He care for me?

It isn't easy to feel a winter season coming in my life. It can be painful and frightening. But I know that there will always be periods of barrenness, dormancy and death. The thing I cling to is that there is also still life, even if I can not see it because all my leaves have turned brown and or fallen. There will come a time of spring again. There will be new growth, new beauty and new creation. While I may appear on the outside to be barren and dormant, these are times when the most important growth may occur. When all new growth and all my energy is going into my roots and trunk, the core of who I am, and not into the areas on the outer reaches that may be more pretty to my eyes and more appreciated but far less critical to my existence and relationship with my Creator than I think and feel.

Spring must come for me to live. No tree will survive too long without it's green leaves to provide nourishment. That new creation is important. But equally important is the period of hibernation to rid myself of what is no longer growing and prepare for that new growth in my life. When I remember to look at it this way, these mixtures of life and death in my life that I see so easily can be beautiful to me.