Matthew 5:38-42
As I get close to the end of my exploration of the Sermon on the Mount, I find more and more that I know to be truth and the better way, and yet more and more that I find difficult in myself to practice. These verses run completely opposite of my natural and learned instincts and reactive impulses. I have had difficulty with not reacting to those who I felt were wronging me, or even might wrong me, all of my life. I might be willing to forgive, but only after I fought back or got even. After I got sent to prison, this natural instinct to fight those who would bully or impose their will on mine became even stronger and more ingrained.
But this quick defense of my rights was unhealthy. It led to dangerous resentments and allowed fear to rule my life. In prison I often fought out of fear. Many times it was not a fear of the person I was fighting as much as it was a fear of how many others even worse I would have to face later if I appeared to be weak or a victim at that moment. The fear that if I ever once allowed myself to appear weak or easy to take advantage of in any small way I would face exploitation and brutality on a grander scale until my very life might be at stake ruled every reaction and choice I made about when to respond to a perceived threat with violence and when to walk away.
The Big Book assures us that resentment is the number one offender that will lead to a relapse. Resentment is birthed from fear and anger running free and out of control in my life. I have realized that it is not so much about whether or not to let people take advantage but more about the question of do I or don't I trust God?
If I truly trust God to protect me from evil in the future do I really need to nuke every man who points a sling-shot my direction? If I have completely surrendered to God, aren't I his now? If I am his, than what were once my rights to defend are now His rights of property. If God cares for and protects what belongs to Him, and I belong to Him, then I am no longer responsible to defend myself. I don't have to be afraid of appearing weak. I don't have to retaliate in kind when someone hurts my feelings or frightens me.
Now I am not saying to become a doormat who simply falls into submission at every threat and concedes to every person who would take advantage. Jesus laid down His life for me, but not once was He weak in doing so. He stood and faced His accusers with truth and dignity. He walked away from mobs who would have stoned Him before it was time for Him to give Himself up. He didn't simply say, "These people want to kill me. I'll let them."
Rather than fueling the vicious cycle, Christ responded to hate with love, to anger with mercy, to intolerance with mercy and forgiveness. By doing this, He never gave power to those who would destroy Him. When someone's actions dictate my response to them, then I have surrendered my will and life over to my enemy who cares not one bit for my well being. You hit me, so I must hit you back. Who is in control? You are. But if the law of love dictates my response, then I have not given anyone power or control over me. I do not sit stewing in the poison of my own anger for hours or days over some slight having how I feel controlled by someone who probably isn't thinking about me at all. Instead the one in control of my feelings and reactions is the one who loves me and set me free.
I do not have to protect what is mine because all that I have is His. I can be free from resentments and the emotional reaction dictated by others when I am willing to let mercy and forgiveness and love rule in my life. No, I am not perfect at this by a long shot, but I am better than I used to be. Hopefully tomorrow I will be better at it than I am today. I have at least seen the fruits of this truth in my life, which encourages me to continue to work towards the goal of perfect adherence to these principles. Not long after I entered into relationship with the woman who is now my wife, two of her relatives attempted to force me away from her. They threatened me by trashing my vehicle and destroying some property I had inside it. Several thousand dollars worth of damage were done. I could have demanded retribution. The old me would have destroyed much more of their property than they did of mine and probably did some physical damage as well. How dare anyone destroy something of mine? How dare anyone try to threaten or intimidate me? I'd show them. Or I could have taken them to court and entered into a family feud that would have torn us all apart and caused further separation between my wife and I and her family, regardless of who won or lost in the material sense. Instead I left the situation up to God. If retribution was to be made, then He would have to place it in their hearts to do so. I wasn't reimbursed or even apologized to. But miraculously I was able to repair almost everything that was damaged to the point where it could at least be used, even if it wasn't in as good of condition as it once was. In essence, I discovered that I lost almost nothing.
A year later I have a much better relationship with both men than I ever dreamed possible. It is definitely better than had I gone to war with them. We have had several friendly visits and holidays together in peace and harmony. I consider them family, and the feeling seems to be mutual. At the very least, neither is in any way trying to damage my relationship with Leah or break us up. Without my ever bringing the incident up or acting in any way negative, I forgave and let it go. Not quickly by any means, and not easily, but I refused to allow the situation to dictate how I treated either man. Today they are family and one recently surprised me with some money to help cover what had been damaged. God has brought restoration to my relationship and my wife's relationship with these men and to my property in a way that could never have been accomplished if I had retaliated.
I have learned that when I am willing to forgive and let God defend me, then I allow room for His miraculous healing power to work in my life and the lives of those who I would have retaliated against. This always leads to a better outcome than would happen from any of my natural reactions. I pray today that I am quick to show mercy and slow to react to those who would impose their will on mine, remembering always that it is not my will that is important anyway, but that of my Creator, and He is able to protect and defend His will and His people (including me) far better than I.
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