It Matters What You Think

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Matthew 5:27-28

I continue my exploration on the Sermon On The Mount with two very important verses. They are about much more than adultery. Here once again Jesus is stressing the truth that what I think and dwell on in my mind and heart is more important in the long wrong than how I act outwardly.

I've heard it said in the rooms of recovery "Don't romance the drink." I've fallen into relapse before after a period of this fantasy and imagination. I remembered the past times I perceived as good and selectively forgot the many more bad times that I had due to alcohol and drugs. "Man, it would be so nice if I could just have one drink," I'd say to myself. I thought about the pleasure and enjoyment. I imagined being able to control things this time. Eventually my imagination overrode my knowledge of the truth, insanity returned, and I believed that I could finally drink safely and without losing control. It nearly killed me.

Lust and fantasy of a sexual nature in the past filled many hours of my time. When I lived that way and opportunity presented itself it seemed more like a dream come true and a chance to have some fun than it felt wrong. I cheated.

There are many examples I could use of how planning things in my mind, imagining them, role playing scenarios and fantasy eventually manifested itself in reality. But it really doesn't matter if my will remains strong enough to refuse that.

If my mind is imagining all sorts of sexual things that would not be right or loving and would hurt my wife and others if they were reality, then for the moments that I am engaging in that fantasy I am not loving my wife. How can I radiate love in all that I do and say if I am ignoring and wronging her in my mind? Even if I never allowed the thoughts to manifest in reality I would have done our relationship harm and cost us precious time.

The same with romanticizing the drink and drugs. Even if I never relapse physically and never used again, if my mind was filled with daydreaming of doing just that, I would eventually become consumed with the obsession and desire to use. Regardless of if I did or not, I would not have good sobriety. I would not be happy and joyous and free. I would not have gratitude for my new life. I would be miserable and bitter for not being able to have what I want. I don't know how anyone could feel this way long without drinking or drugging, but even if someone could it's a miserable existence. No thank you.

I could imagine beating up an enemy and fantasize about him being hurt or humiliated without ever stepping up to do anything in reality. But how can I imagine and desire harm for someone in my mind and practice love and forgiveness towards that person at the same time? I can't. And if I harbor those ill feelings about and for someone in my mind and heart I feed the resentment that will eventually poison me, not them. Also when I stay geared up for a fight in my mind, then even in real situations I am on edge, less tolerant, more critical etc. I can not simply live and let live, I can not love as Christ loves, I can not let the little things slide by without reacting. My fear and anger and resentment has control of my thoughts and a piece of my heart. That is a place where God is not on the throne and I have fallen short of the ideal of Step Three, to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. Once that happens, if I don't correct it, my relationship with God will suffer and grow cold and sooner or later I will be looking for something to fill that hole in my life.

One scripture that my pastor father planted often in my mind and heart throughout my youth is Philipians 4:8, which reads, "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." I see the importance of this today, even if I did not see it as well at the time. This is why you can't be grateful and hateful at the same time. This is why I can't submerse myself in how grateful I am for my wife and how much I love her and think of someone else. This is why I can't enjoy, be grateful for and praise God for a life worth living and want to return to the life I had before at the same time. It's not possible.

I want to state for the record that I do not believe in the power of positive thinking. I can exhort myself and try to control my thoughts all I want and fail miserably. I have proven this to myself over and over as I returned to the things that I hated myself for doing and yet could not seem to not want to do. But I do believe in the power of God and that there is peace and power with aligning my thoughts and will with His. God says think on things that are true and lovely and have value. When I obey this I don't waste time and energy thinking on the things that take me outside His will, I do not give them a place in my mind in which to dig in set up a fortress of self to fight against the surrender I made to survive. What we think and dwell on does indeed effect us emotionally, mentally and spiritually, as well as eventually manifesting in some form or fashion physically.

Today I see imagining any kind of life where my self is allowed free reign to be dangerous. It means there is a part of me that is fighting God's will and control of my life. If I entertain those thoughts and feed them rather than using them as indication that I need to get rid of self again, I start down the slippery slope of separation from God. If that slide is not stopped, it is only a matter of time before insanity returns and I do something to damage my relationship with God, damage my wife and our relationship. damage my family and friends, damage myself, kill my sobriety and destroy my life. If I wait until the thoughts demand action, I have waited too long and they will have too much momentum and power. I have to control things at the root, in my heart and mind, so that when there is the offer of a drink or drug or a body or whatever it is that is outside of God's will for my life it is something laughable because I have not even flirted with the idea of desiring it. Freedom from obsession only lasts as long as I do not invite it to stay with me in my mind and imagination and as long as my thoughts are directed towards love and service, relationship with God, and the true and the lovely. But if I allow those obsessions safety in my mind then when the opportunity to bring even a piece of them to reality presents itself, it becomes a struggle not to give in.

I am grateful that there is no struggle to stay sober today. I am grateful that there is no struggle to love and remain faithful to my wife. I am grateful that there is no struggle against the idea of quick and easy money through theft or dealing today. I am grateful that I have no desire to fight anyone or anything. The truth in these two verses can give God the power to keep it that way. Because this is the best I have ever had life. I am more content and satisfied than I ever believed possible. I do not want to ever lose that. So today I will guard my heart and my thoughts from vain and foolish imaginations.