Matthew 5:17-20
When I reached these verses from the Sermon On The Mount, I thought for a short moment that perhaps I should skip this or even go ahead and add the next set of verses and not really address this. After all, there doesn't appear to be a lot on the topic of recovery here. I am a Christian, but the purpose of this blog is recovery. While I find this verse so very important when it comes to my faith, if it is not also important to the topic of recovery, it does not belong here.
But these thoughts quickly passed when I realized just how very true and important to my recovery this is. More than anything else I believe these verses to be about an important distinction in motivation and perception than result. For example, a man is walking down the road and sees another man accidentally drop some money out of his pocket while pulling his cell phone out. Busy with the incoming call, the poor fellow doesn't realize he's dropped the cash and continues to walk down the road. The first man, in a quick act of love, not wanting the second man to feel the hurt of loss and need calls out to him and points out the fallen money. Or another option, the first man, afraid that someone might see him take the money if he keeps it or hoping for recognition of his "righteousness" by the man he helped (and or so he can convince himself of his goodness) calls out to the man and points out the fallen money. The result for the second man is the same, and I doubt he cares much about why he was helped.
The difference for the first man is huge. With the first option the man goes on about his day and either doesn't really think about what happened at all, just feeling good without contemplating why, or he goes through his day feeling grateful to God for the ability to help someone else. If the man is acting from the second option however, he will either go through his day wishing that he had come by just late enough to see the money but not who dropped it so that he could have kept it, and therefore experiences regret and is miserable from doing good, or he will go through his day high on pride from doing right. But if the latter, he will need to tell others about what he did so that they too can see and acknowledge his goodness or he will be miserable. There is a difference, and the program of recovery taught me that. It's not only important to do the next right thing, but I need to do the next right thing for the right reason.
Still, I feel I need to do a better job than that of showing how this applies to recovery. When I first walked into the rooms of recovery, I didn't want to be there. It was a condition of my parole. As I heard my story in the stories of others and came face to face with the truth that even the fear of going back to prison was not enough to keep me from drinking I realized that I was of myself powerless over alcohol and drugs and that I could not control for long how much I used if I used and also could not for long control whether or not I would use. I knew I had to quit, but I couldn't. I couldn't even completely to the core of me want to quit. Seeing what had worked in the lives of others, I surrendered to the idea of working a program of recovery and launched myself into the 12 steps.
But even as I began working the steps, I felt afraid. How was I supposed to go through the rest of my life without a drink? How could I enjoy life if I never again could enhance things from time to time. Sure, watching the Superbowl is fun I thought, but isn't it always more fun with a few beers? And And what of friends? How could I have fun and hang out with my friends if alcohol or drugs never came into the picture? Some of my favorite memories of times with friends was simply sitting around a fire listening to music and drinking and drugging and laughing and joking with buddies. The list of my whining about all that I would lose from life continued, but I will not. I see today how ridiculous the thought process was, and the truth is that I haven't "lost" anything in recovery that I miss. I have gained so much more.
But my motivation at that time was fear. I have to quit or I will end up dead or back in prison. If I want to avoid those two options I must do this, I can not do that, and I have to give up the other. And while I felt that way, I did not have much success traveling the road of recovery. The longest stretch of sobriety I managed was just barely over 30 days. And I was miserable the majority of the time. Then something happened differently. I finally correctly worked my third step and truly, to the best of my ability at the time, completely turned my life and will over to the care of God. That word care is important. Because I did not turn my life and will over to the belief in God, or to the rules of God, or to the religion of God, but to His care. By understanding that simple truth that God cares for me, my spiritual life became about relationship with someone who cares for me rather than that of subject serving a powerful and angry king.
In many places in the scriptures the relationship of marriage is often used as an example of what our relationship with God is to be like. This is hard for some because marriage can suck. I don't know how many times I have seen in movies or tv, read in books or heard in real life someone turn down an invitation to spend some time with their friends and say something like, "I better not today, the wife/husband has been in some bad mood and will kill me if I don't go straight home." The result of that is the person goes home and spends time with the spouse, miserable and resentful that they did not do what they wanted to do in order to keep the peace or because they were afraid. But I have also seen people so in love that their friends couldn't hold them back from spending time with their special person for anything in the world. The surface result is the same. But the difference is amazing. That person has a wonderful evening being exactly where they want to be with exactly who they want to be with. And as someone who regularly feels that desire to be back with my wife whenever we are separated for more than a few minutes for any reason, I can testify that wanting to be with her and being motivated to spend time together out of love is a wonderful feeling. I do not feel like I have given up or lost anything by devoting my life to loving and spending time with my wife. I have gained more than I can express.
Spirituality and recovery are the same. In order to work the steps and recover from a hopeless state of mind and body and to be free from the obsession to drink and drug, I must find and maintain a spiritual connection with the Power of the Universe, the Great Designer, God. I do not have the power to fill the needs in my life without assistance. I am either going to find that assistance in God or in drink and drug. My past experience has proved this time and time again. But if I sigh and say ok I guess I need to get right with God so I can have this connection and find stability and power, so that means I need to believe this, and I need to do that, and I can't do this, and blah blah. I find myself trying to do what is right not to please God but rather just not to make Him mad or run Him off. I begin trying to have relationship with my Creator based on what I am able to do that He demands, and I fail repeatedly. Sooner or later, I realize I can't please Him, and I'm not happy trying. So rather than fail at everything, I might as well do what I want and maybe then I can be happy. It's not like I can please God anyway.
But when I realize God cares for me and respond to that care out of love, everything changes. Well, not everything. I still can not please God. I can not do anything perfectly enough to deserve to hang out with someone who is perfect. But because He cares for me, I don't have to be perfect. I can have relationship rather than perfection. It's much better and much easier. Instead of going through my day restrained by what I can and can't do, I can forget those things and go about my day spending time with my Spiritual Lover. I can just hang out and walk with the lover of my soul and love in return. Then something amazing happens.
I am blessed to be married to someone who shares my soul. We share so much, and often can speak aloud what the other is thinking before they can. This happens with God too. As I spend time with Him out of love, I find myself more often thinking like Him, responding to others out of love as He would, and so on. As I strengthen my connection to my Creator through love and relationship I am not bound by what I have to do and can't do, instead I am infused with His very essence and am free to do what I want to do. It's just that my want to do becomes what He wants to do. And that desire to do what God would do out of love opens me up to receive His power to do what I am not capable of doing, mainly not being a selfish twit.
My faith does not free me from the rights and wrongs of religion. I still have to do the next right thing. It doesn't do away with doing what's right but instead gives me joy in doing what's right and gives me the power to do it. Today, I do not have to face a life where I can never have a drink again. Today I get to live a life where I don't have to drink or drug again, a life I can love to be alive in without wanting to drink or drug. That freedom gives me joy in not using. The law is still there. The law of my past proves that I can not drink or drug with impunity. I can't drink or drug without destruction. Spirituality did not free me from that law, it fulfilled it in me.
When I tried to stop using by following rules and being disciplined and through will power I failed. I tried to keep the law on my own power, and since I was powerless there was only one result that was possible. I drank and drugged and beat myself up and felt sorry for myself for failing which gave me reason to drink and drug some more. I changed my people, places and things. I avoided triggers from my past. I stayed away from drugs and alcohol, and places and people that sold them. I read what I was supposed to read. I went to meetings. I talked to advisers, and tried to help others. And I drank and drugged.
Then I forgot about religion and the rules and sought relationship with God by working the steps. I found myself changing my people, places and things because I lost my desire to do what I used to do and with whom rather than because anyone told me I had to. I no longer wanted to drink or drug, so I found myself free to go wherever I needed or wanted to go, regardless of whether or not people would be drinking. I read what I had been reading but because I wanted to understand not because someone told me I had to. I went to meetings and helped others because I wanted to show my gratitude to God for what He had done for me by giving it away. My motivation changed and what I repeatedly failed at through my will became fulfilled by surrendering to His. I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body and am free of the obsession to drink and drug.
Jesus was saying this in the verses at the beginning. He said I didn't come so that people wouldn't do what is right anymore. What's right is still mandatory. But unlike the religious and the self-righteous, you don't have to be bound by what's right and motivated by fear of negative consequences in the event of failure. Instead relationship with Me can fill you with such love for what is right that you'll be able to do the next right thing, you'll be able to walk in love to God and others, and you'll enjoy it. It won't feel like rules and regulations and deprivation, but instead will feel like freedom, joy and serenity.
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