Matthew 5:43-47
This is so contrary to my way of thinking. I just don't naturally think, feel or act like these verses tell me to. Yesterday I got a call from adopted brother's wife telling me that my brother had been arrested and was in jail. Someone angry and bitter and hateful pushed a years old issue that is no longer even relevant and that my brother has tried to correct and the result is charges and some county time while waiting for court. The thing that makes this even more upsetting is that the person has already been informed that by signing some papers of forgiveness it would free my brother from what he is now facing but resentment blocks that path. Now everyone is getting hurt. My brother is in jail after being arrested in front of his three youngest children. His wife is hurt, angry and afraid. His children are afraid, confused and without their father. His two older children are upset and angry and being torn between their parents, and his ex (the older two children's mother) has damaged her relationship with her children while gaining nothing in an attempt to get even for things that happened in the last century. How very very sad. Everyone loses. No one wins. This is a good example of how resentment fuels nothing good and how hate can never bring peace.
But even knowing this is not enough, not for me anyway. I know that freedom from resentment on both sides and forgiveness on both sides would have prevented this pain and damage to so many lives. I've read these verses before, and I know that they are true. I have learned the value of refusing to react in kind and of being patient, loving and tolerant of those who don't deserve it. When I am able to do that, my recovery is stronger and I actually feel better. I say that I try to practice this in everything, and I have been traveling the road of recovery for long enough that much of it has become second nature at this point. But not this.
If I am ho0nest with myself and with my writing I must admit that loving my brother's ex was not high on my priority list yesterday evening as my wife and I visited with my sister-in-law and found out what was going on. As she cried on my shoulder I prayed for her, her children and my brother, but it did not once occur to me to pray for the woman who I saw as the cause for all of this misery. I did not want to bless her, and I didn't want her blessed. I wanted to force her to forgive and to impose my will on hers so that we could make this better for everyone. How silly of me. I know better. Imposing my will on another is never going to help them recover from hurt and resentment, which is justified, and what I really wanted to do was control the situation and the people involved. And that is not my place. Nor is it possible. And the frustration of trying to control people and places that I can not control will destroy my recovery.
The truth is that you can't fight hate with hate. You can't breed love and tolerance by being unloving and intolerant. You can't give a situation or relationship to God and allow His will to be done in it while trying to control it or impose your own will on it at the same time. It simply won't work. There is absolutely no good that can come from me growing angry and allowing my anger to fuel my sister-in-law's anger. It doesn't help me or my recovery. It doesn't keep my mind open to possible solutions or an intuitive thought from God because I can't hear God speak to me when my mind is clouded by a fog of anger and the desire to control, fix or avenge. It doesn't help my sister-in-law for her anger and agitation to be blown into a frenzy until the wildfire in her heart and mind is burning out of control. It doesn't add to peace or help bring calm into her life. It doesn't help her children who just saw Daddy to see me upset and angry as well. It doesn't help my brother find freedom any faster or peace in the midst of this storm. And it doesn't even do anything that will help or lead to change in the heart and mind of the other party. And if avenging and controlling becomes more important than helping her (a dangerous place for me to be) then it still fails, because my hurt and anger doesn't even register on her radar, or if it does only brings her satisfaction, while I have turned my will and emotions over to the care of someone who does not care about me by allowing what she did to control how I feel and react. How foolish. And I know better. But still my first impulse, my reaction, was anger and unforgiveness.
I wish I could say that I am more Christ-like than that. That in a few short minutes I had realized the foolishness of my behavior and released that anger and prayed for my brother's ex. But that would not be true. I was blind to the failure on my part to practice the spiritual principles of recovery in this area of my life until I read these verses this morning. It felt like I had spiritually splashed my face with freezing cold water and brought clarity and awareness to my mind. Oh wow did I fall short here. But I'm not beating myself up. Progress was shown. I did not call my brother's ex up or go physically confront her, screaming, yelling and cussing to show her my rage. I did not encourage my sister-in-law to do this or worse. I did not close my eyes and refuse to see when my morning reading showed me to be off course, but instead adjusted my spiritual rudder and sough God. This is progress, and I am grateful for the changes in me that God has made that brought about this progress.
But I want to do it better. Not because I want people to see look how well he handles things, but because when people see me in such a situation I don't want them to see me and how much better I act than I used to. No, I want them to see my Father instead of me. By acting and reacting and God would have me act and react, I mirror His image in a way that others can see Him in me. This gives them opportunity to see and find God when they need Him most. I can't fix these problems or heal the hurts in any of the people's lives involved in this situation, but God can. If what I do, how I react, and what I say show God then it opens the door for God to heal. When other's are exposed to the peace of God it can quench the fires of anger and confusion and lesson the destruction rather than keep the misery going.
Love can kill hate and stop the damage it can cause. But hating back can never help anyone involved. And praying for those who are in attack mode can do more good than anything I can do to defend myself and those I love or anything I can do by attacking back or encouraging others to attack back. I can't solve the problem nor make this better. But God can. When I am willing to forgive, love and pray for those who don't deserve it, it reminds me to be grateful that God loved, forgave and sought relationship with me when I didn't deserve it and it opens the door to allow God into the situation, if only a little. In every part that God can be allowed in and given control there can be freedom, peace and solution. But in every area where my reaction is my own I block God out and His miraculous power is hindered by my will. I don't want that to happen. Today I want to give God free reign to make things better for everyone involved, me, family, friends, enemies and strangers, in every situation and encounter by not reacting out of my own will or instinct but to only react as my Father would, with calm, without fear, with mercy rather than judgement, with forgiveness rather than vengeance and with love rather than hate. I have seen that this truly is the easier and softer way, although unnatural.
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