Today Is For Living

"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" What a wonderful promise, but what an amazingly strange feeling. I must say that I am still not used to this. Actually, while I am happy to not shut the door on certain parts of my past, it feels alien and contrary to nature for me to not regret the past. I think I even feel a little guilty about not feeling bad. How messed up is that? But it's just a little feeling guilty. I realize today that it doesn't mean I that I did not love and care for Andrew just because I am not miserable.

I am loved and blessed, and I bask in that as a snake basks in the warmth of the sun. I thrive on it, need it to survive. It's hard for me to believe that tomorrow will be a year since my partner died of overdose and how much has changed in that year, how much I've grown. A year ago I never would have believed that I could feel as happy, joyous and free as I do this morning.

I woke this morning feeling satisfied and comforted and content. Exactly the opposite of the irritable, restless and discontent that described so much of my life. I have a relationship with my God that grows stronger and more wonderful daily. And He has blessed me with relationships that mean so much to me, family and friends that I do not deserve so much care from shower me with love and support. Above all others is Leah, who fits into my heart and life like a jigsaw puzzle piece that I thought was lost forever. I can not have regrets about finding my dreams fulfilled and my hope restored. Andrew wouldn't have wanted that anyway. I know that he would be so happy for me, and I am happy for myself. I do miss him, and as the anniversary of his death approaches I do feel strange that I do not feel the need to mourn more, but I have mourned, and I have learned that I live in today. I can not live in yesterday. And I can not imagine mourning my life today. It is so much better than I imagined it could be. I love and am loved so much more than I thought possible when I started down the road to recovery.

While I realize and understand that a lot of my not being sad and a mess today over losing Andrew a year ago has to do with the wonderful loving relationship I have with Leah, I also know that it is so much more than that. God has taught me things over this past year with its thirteen deaths that have nothing to do with whether or not I am single or joined with another. I have learned to accept the past and death as a part of life. I realize that life is for the living and not ghosts of our memories. It is good to be alive, but part of being alive is living. I can not live while wallowing in self-pity and regret of the past. Today I can remember the good times Andrew and I shared. I can remember the love that we had for each other. I can remember the special and wonderful things about that beautiful man with a smile. I can thank God I have good memories of past relationships and be blessed by that.

I can also remember the horrible end and learn from it. I can be reminded that I can not keep anyone clean and sober, not even myself. That miracle is only in God's hands with my cooperation for my own sobriety and whoever else's cooperation with their own. I am not responsible for how anyone else chooses to feel or to work or not work the program of recovery. In addition, I can know that the importance of working the program is not theory for me and never will be.

Andrew had three and a half years clean. He relapsed New Year's Eve last year. On the 16th of January, barely two weeks later, he was found dead of an overdose. What a tragic and pointless loss of of life, but if I take that tragic memory and use it to remind myself and encourage others to never to quit working it, to hold on and keep striving for progress, then the pointlessness is erased. His death can mean something. I think that's a good thing.

I know that I am with the person that God hand picked for me. I know that it is so right and beyond some silly fairy tale that it is unbelievable in some ways. But that is not why I do not regret this morning. I also happen to believe that God is wise and powerful enough to help me to find Leah with or without Andrew dying. People break up every day. Some people even manage to break up and remain friends. I have several friends who also are exes. So I believe that is completely possible for it to have happened in such a way that I could still be sitting here this morning after a wonderful and amazing night and morning with Leah and Andrew still be alive, sober, clean and one of my best friends. I don't know why it didn't happen that way. Free will. Sometimes it is indeed a bitch. But I don't have to throw my todays away mourning and crying over the yesterdays and the choices I have made and others have made that caused pain and loss. I can thank God for all the restoration with which He has blessed my life. I can wrap myself in the love and comfort of those who used their free will to get closer to me rather than running away, and I can feel good about my life this day. This is the day that the Lord has made! I will rejoice and be glad in it.