Pain

I've heard it said, actually I've said it as well, that pain is a great motivator. That has been my personal and observed experience. But what is it that pain motivates? For me, it motivates me to do something to make the pain stop. This is a wonderful thing when I am dealing with emotional and mental pain. I work my program of recovery with a vengeance knowing that it works if I work it. Tired of being miserable? Work the steps. Tired of being lonely and afraid? Work the steps. Tired of....? Work the steps, work the steps, work the steps.

But pain isn't such a good motivator for me when it is physical pain. That's different. I am lucky that I have a high tolerance for physical pain, but high tolerance means that I can take it, I can force myself to function, I can endure. It doesn't mean I don't feel it or that I enjoy it. I am not insensitive to it, I can tolerate it, and that is a huge distinction because the longer I hurt the lower my tolerance becomes. I hate that because it opens the door for self-pity and fear, two emotions that are counter productive to my recovery.

Still, pain is not an excuse. If it is not so bad that I hawk something in order to be able to pay for a doctor visit and treatment, then it must be endured. I can not allow myself to self-medicate. But I can't make things worse either, for I know that there comes a point when I will do anything to make it stop. I can't hardly walk this morning. It actually hurts to breathe. This almost 40 year old body has been through a lot, the vast majority of which was unnecessary and the result of my choices and mistakes. I have always known that I would pay for so many of my earlier injuries as I got older if I lived long enough to get older.

There are other ways to treat pain besides pain killers, drugs or alcohol. Today I will rest my back as much as I can. Soak in a hot bath for a while and see if that helps. I will pray and breathe and be patient, and hopefully soon something will let loose and my back will move freely without pain again. Or at least without much pain. What I can not do is relax my program. More than ever, when I am in physical pain I must remain vigilant.