I had a rough day yesterday, and last night felt strangely difficult for me. A part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and cry, but another part of me wants to surrender to the anger and let it rage over and through me. Neither option is the next right thing for me to do. Sometimes I have choices where more than one thing I want to do could possibly be the right thing. Sometimes nothing that I want to do, nothing that I am inclined to do is what is right and good. It frustrates me when this happens.
But one thing I have learned is that when I remember that those who are attacking me and pushing my buttons is an attempt to illicit a negative response and raise the old me from the grave are wounded and afraid themselves. I can't help them if I engage. But it took me to a place where I shouldn't have stayed. I stayed. I partied there. I sat in the dark and let my mind dwell on the small truths in the lies that made them hurt so much. I morbidly reflected on the past. I put myself in a bad state of mind and woke, frustrated and afraid.
This morning as I sat freezing on my front porch with the day's first cigarette trying to meditate, a female cardinal flew into the tree next to me and just sat there, chirping occasionally. I just watched her a moment, and as I did, I felt a sense of peace wash over me. These words ran through my mind. Whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue and any praise, think on these things. What a nice and gentle reminder of where my thoughts are supposed to dwell. How I am to respond to the thought trains that pull up to the depot in my mind.
I can examine a thought train before I go for the ride. If it's morbid reflection, self pity, fearful, full of anger and resentment, it is assured to take me where I do not want or need to be, outside of the sunlight of the Spirit. I can choose not to get on board. And if I do before I realize it, then the moment that I see that I am on the wrong train I can get off. I make the stops. There's no need to wait.
But if I choose the thought trains to ride that are fueled by honesty, justice (not to be confused with retribution), love, goodness, with elements of virtue and praise, then I can ride easy knowing that wherever the train takes me, it will be where I need to go according to the Master Conductor and that I will be within His protection and can easily avail myself of the grace, help and mercy to face whatever may come. How much better my life is, how much more serene when I practice choosing wisely where I go with my thoughts rather than letting them control me.
For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self control. I am not powerless today because God has given me power. And not just power against the first drink and drug but power to face the pain and uncertainty of life and walk through it with joy. God has given me love, more than I can contain, enough to give it away. When I walk in perfect love there is no fear, but I can rarely do that. I don't have to beat myself up over my inability to love perfectly though. Instead I can allow myself to be controlled by love as much as possible. To whatever extent I am able to do this, I have that much decrease in the amount of my life controlled by fear. Finally, God has given me what I could never do on my own, no matter how many times or how hard I tried. Today I have the gift of self control. I have the ability to choose what I will think on. I have the ability to react the right way or not at all. I have the ability to decide to let go of resentment and forgive. All of these things are greater than the fear I had on my own without God that only gave me the power to run, to lash out, to isolate and hide and to try to hurt others before they could hurt me.
Just for today I will put a reign on my thoughts and turn the reins over to my Creator. I will choose to respond in love rather than out of fear.
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