In Search Of Rest

I wish I understood what is going on with me right now. The last couple of days has been so wonderful. I have had some amazing and special time spent with Leah that I treasure. It never feels often enough that I have as much time with her two days in a row that I did this past weekend. I felt so close and we shared so much, and yet at the same time it seemed I couldn't get close enough. It filled me with such a feeling of gratitude and awe.

But I didn't rest. I tried. I simply didn't rest. Sleep taunted me like a mirage in the desert. I wanted it, needed it, and sought it, but time after time my approach would cause it to fade away. When finally I found sleep, tortured dreams filled my mind. Strange and bizarre fragments haunt me after waking. Even my body reacted to the onslaught and I feel as though there truly was a physical aspect to the dreams I experienced. I ache. My mind is in a fog.

It scares me. I have experienced periods like this in the past. My solution usually took one or two forms. Either I ceased to sleep for days until I simply could not keep myself from crashing or I used chemicals to knock myself out that also made it where I could not dream, or at least not remember if I did. Today, I know that neither of these avenues will take me where I want and need to go. I can pray. I can make sure that my tenth step is as thorough as possible so that I am at peace when I close my eyes. But there is not much else that I can do. However, I know that that can be enough, for God is able to give rest regardless of the situation and circumstances. But can and will are two different things. So there is one more thing that I can do. I can continue to look honestly at myself and my worries to make sure that I am not avoiding dealing with anything about myself that God would have me deal with and then make sure that I surrender and let go of my past, my present, my future and everything that I can not change. I have to let God have those things. The weight of them is more than I can carry. I am not supposed to carry them anymore anyway. God can carry that weight much easier than I, and I believe that I can cast my cares on Him for He cares for me. I also believe that if I come to Him when I am weary and loaded down that He will give me rest.

I will work on responding to my lack of rest in this way as another chance to do the next right thing. I will also work on coming to this conclusion much earlier in the future, such as when I notice trouble the first night and not on the morning after the second. I know that for me without rest there is no peace. I will pray for rest at night and thank God for it in the morning, whatever little bit He blesses me with, as I prayed for sobriety every morning and thanked Him at night during the early days of white knuckle recovery.