This morning I got up and read a few different things as part of my morning meditations, including a new to me blog on recovery that focused on morning actions. The entry hit my where I've been living. In fact, I spoke on the subject to the man I am working with slash for yesterday and found out that we share similar views and opinions.
One of my character defects is that I am an illogical idiot. OK, that's not rigorous honesty and a bit generalized, but it's how I feel sometimes. It's somewhat how I've been feeling this week, which has been wonderful in many ways, but quite difficult in others. The reason for the difficulty is one of the many ways that I make absolutely no sense, even to myself.
I know from past experience that if I get up about an hour or so before I have to leave in the morning, go outside and smoke my pipe while enjoying the beauty of God's morning nature show and spend some time in prayer and praise and meditation before I do anything else that I feel better throughout my day. When I do this, my attitude toward people, work, life in general is better. When I do this, it is easier for me to go through the day conscious of living in such a way that my life and will has been turned over to the care of God, and things just don't get to me as much as otherwise.
On the other hand, when I sleep in and just get up and go at the last minute, I actually feel less rested. In fact, I usually feel rushed the rest of the day. My attitude regresses to at least partly self-will run riot and I find myself overly critical of others and sensitive throughout the day. Basically when I don't start my day with God and serenity, I have a much harder time finding those connections later as the day goes on.
And yet, all week long I found myself practicing my character defect of laziness and being a sluggard and hitting that blasted snooze button. I averaged about nine snooze resets a morning rather than getting up. I barely made it to work on time. While I prayed and praised on the ride to work, those ten minutes (feeling rushed and late at the time) just aren't the same as relaxing at home with God. I'd find myself griping more and fighting with circumstances and inanimate objects. I'd have to constantly check myself for the answer to whose will was I running on, God's or mine, and then having to adjust to try to get back to where I needed to be. I want to run of God's will, not mine, but when I rush through my morning and exercise my will not to get up and start my day the way that I know I need to in order to fuel up for the day spiritually, I am starting from the hole. For one thing, it's hard to stay in God's will for the day when the first 30 minutes to an hour are spent fighting it. Then I would say to myself, you know better and you know why you feel this way, tomorrow you need to get up and start your day right. The next day? I hit the snooze button repeatedly.
How messed up is that? I want my day to go the way it does when I start it off with God. When I get up and spend that time with my Creator, I love it. I enjoy that time so much and enjoy my day better. Time and time again, experienced has shown this to be true. And yet, when that alarm goes off, my self will rises from the grave and says, "No, I don't want to get up yet, I don't want to go to work. I don't want to do anything but lay here and feel sorry for myself because of how stiff and sore I feel and dread how worse I'll feel at work." Never mind that getting up and working actually erase the soreness much more quickly than laying in bed thinking about it and feeling sorry for myself. Self-pity has never actually brought me relief in any area, still I love to pull it out and try it over and over again.
SO why do I struggle so much with this? Because I am a selfish and self centered man who is much less so than in the past, but still not even close to the perfect death to self required to truly be like Him who lived His life truly and completely surrendered to the will of the Father. Paul put it this way, "That which I would do I do not, and that which I would not do, that I do." Basically, I am still am man in need of a savior. The key lies in being willing to see those areas and work the seventh step when I do, praying and meaning "God, I am willing that you now have all of me, the good and the bad. Remove from me every defect of character (every area of self will in my life) that would keep me from being of service to You and others. May I do Your will always." Then I have to get out of the way and let God direct my day and not my feelings. Today, I got up, even though I didn't have to work. I started my day the way I know is better, even though my feelings still said, "c'mon I just want to stay in bed a while longer. And already I feel better. The last day of the week has started better than the others. Progress.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Recipe For Relapse Preventionn
Believe that God can and will if He is sought. Add to that belief goodness by continuing to simply do the next right thing. Add to goodness knowledge and understanding. Add to knowledge brotherly kindness by cleaning up my side of the street and being of service. Add to brotherly kindness love...let love be the mark I measure every choice against, let it be my motivation and purpose. If this is how I live I will not fail or lack what I need to be of maximum service to God and others. Be sure to truly surrender and turn over my life and will to the care of God, for if I (or anyone else for that matter) do these things I will never stumble, never slip, never relapse. The above is a summary of II Peter 1:1-11 as applied to the addiction of self centeredness and all resulting addictions and bondage caused by obsession of self will. May grace and peace abound to you in the knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Getting Out Of The Way
"Hot on the trail of God's will, and getting warmer still. Got it together this time around. There's nothing to stop you now.
"Stopped by the slam of a door. God, what'd You do that for? Sometimes we just don't understand how He wants to let us in.
"When God closes a door, look for a window, oh look for a window. Don't stand at the door, there might be a window. Oh look for a window.
"Responsibilities change, and so do our pathways. One way God shows which way to go is to let the old road close...
"There's no point in getting down on yourself. God is only pointing you somewhere else."
The above are the lyrics to a song by Dallas Holm that ran through my mind most of the night last night. For a while now I have struggled with disappointment and attempting to delay what was becoming more and more clearly inevitable. I had already accepted things the way they were, or so I thought. I applied for work, knowing that as soon as that work was found, I would have to put my business, my dreams, on hold yet again, perhaps permanently. But I held off on the announcement and continued to take on the occasional customer. Fighting the shut down. The truth is that it became obvious to me last night that I had not accepted things at all.
When I am in the right place with God, totally surrendered to His will and direction for my life and my recovery is on track, then I find that I no longer struggle. No, I don't mean that things don't still go wrong or that life doesn't happen. I mean I don't fight my circumstances. I cease fighting anything and anyone. So the constant struggle within and without to hang on to my dream, to go out kicking and screaming if I had to go out, should have been my first clue that I had begun to run on self-will in this area in my life. I even began to compromise certain principles in order to try to make things work. When it comes to what you know is right, compromise is not a good thing. I told myself I couldn't do this or that because...but when I am honest with myself, that because was simply fear. A being driven, motivated and/or controlled by fear is another sign God gives me to enable me to see where I am running on self-will rather than His will.
Am I disappointed? Yes. At first, I tried to fight that emotion. I've been fighting against, trying to squash it and deny it for a while now, as I slowly saw where the situation was headed. I know that when I am disappointed, it means something didn't go or isn't going my way. I didn't get what I wanted. Since the most important principle in my life today is that God is the principle, and I am simply His agent, I know that my way doesn't really matter. I didn't want to be upset about not getting my way, because that means that I am not where I need to be on the most important factor in my life....there is a God, and I'm not Him.
But trying to ignore my disappointment or crush it doesn't change that I didn't get my way. I didn't. But last night, as the song above ran on repeat on my mental jukebox, I realized that I don't have to fight that either. God gave me the talents and gifts that inspired the dream. It's only natural that I am reluctant to let it go. I don't have to fight that. I don't have to fix it. I simply have to see it for what it is. I have a desire that God has decided that the time is not right for. It's ok to want what I want as long as I want what He wants more.
I know that if I follow His lead and direction than He will either take me to the place where when the dream comes true it is even better than if I had been able to make it work now. And that He will receive the glory for it. And I also know that if this is not a temporary delay, as I hope that it is, then He has something even better in store for me, that once again will bring Him glory and will fill my life with more purpose, satisfaction and serenity than having what I want now could ever bring.
So, I took a deep breath, practiced acceptance, ignored my fear and trusted God to catch me and care for me. I did what made it real, so that I couldn't fight it or run from it any longer. I closed the doors on my business and said Ok God, I won't fight You on this any more. I know that my happiness, my joy, my freedom, and my serenity is not based on any outside situation, such as doing what I want and love for a living. I know that my significance and value is not set by what I do but rather by my relationship with Him who created me.
This morning I have less fear and disappointment, but they are there. Still, I know that if I look for what God would have me do this minute and this minute only, they will fade even more. Eventually they will be destroyed. I trust that God has a plan for me, a plan to prosper, to live, and that His plan is better and more satisfying than anything that I could design. It might even include my own personal dreams, but for now, that's not important. The important thing is that I am getting out of His way so that He can give me everything that He wants to. Regardless of the outcome I believe that will be worth more than anything my selfish heart could ever desire. I am grateful.
"Stopped by the slam of a door. God, what'd You do that for? Sometimes we just don't understand how He wants to let us in.
"When God closes a door, look for a window, oh look for a window. Don't stand at the door, there might be a window. Oh look for a window.
"Responsibilities change, and so do our pathways. One way God shows which way to go is to let the old road close...
"There's no point in getting down on yourself. God is only pointing you somewhere else."
The above are the lyrics to a song by Dallas Holm that ran through my mind most of the night last night. For a while now I have struggled with disappointment and attempting to delay what was becoming more and more clearly inevitable. I had already accepted things the way they were, or so I thought. I applied for work, knowing that as soon as that work was found, I would have to put my business, my dreams, on hold yet again, perhaps permanently. But I held off on the announcement and continued to take on the occasional customer. Fighting the shut down. The truth is that it became obvious to me last night that I had not accepted things at all.
When I am in the right place with God, totally surrendered to His will and direction for my life and my recovery is on track, then I find that I no longer struggle. No, I don't mean that things don't still go wrong or that life doesn't happen. I mean I don't fight my circumstances. I cease fighting anything and anyone. So the constant struggle within and without to hang on to my dream, to go out kicking and screaming if I had to go out, should have been my first clue that I had begun to run on self-will in this area in my life. I even began to compromise certain principles in order to try to make things work. When it comes to what you know is right, compromise is not a good thing. I told myself I couldn't do this or that because...but when I am honest with myself, that because was simply fear. A being driven, motivated and/or controlled by fear is another sign God gives me to enable me to see where I am running on self-will rather than His will.
Am I disappointed? Yes. At first, I tried to fight that emotion. I've been fighting against, trying to squash it and deny it for a while now, as I slowly saw where the situation was headed. I know that when I am disappointed, it means something didn't go or isn't going my way. I didn't get what I wanted. Since the most important principle in my life today is that God is the principle, and I am simply His agent, I know that my way doesn't really matter. I didn't want to be upset about not getting my way, because that means that I am not where I need to be on the most important factor in my life....there is a God, and I'm not Him.
But trying to ignore my disappointment or crush it doesn't change that I didn't get my way. I didn't. But last night, as the song above ran on repeat on my mental jukebox, I realized that I don't have to fight that either. God gave me the talents and gifts that inspired the dream. It's only natural that I am reluctant to let it go. I don't have to fight that. I don't have to fix it. I simply have to see it for what it is. I have a desire that God has decided that the time is not right for. It's ok to want what I want as long as I want what He wants more.
I know that if I follow His lead and direction than He will either take me to the place where when the dream comes true it is even better than if I had been able to make it work now. And that He will receive the glory for it. And I also know that if this is not a temporary delay, as I hope that it is, then He has something even better in store for me, that once again will bring Him glory and will fill my life with more purpose, satisfaction and serenity than having what I want now could ever bring.
So, I took a deep breath, practiced acceptance, ignored my fear and trusted God to catch me and care for me. I did what made it real, so that I couldn't fight it or run from it any longer. I closed the doors on my business and said Ok God, I won't fight You on this any more. I know that my happiness, my joy, my freedom, and my serenity is not based on any outside situation, such as doing what I want and love for a living. I know that my significance and value is not set by what I do but rather by my relationship with Him who created me.
This morning I have less fear and disappointment, but they are there. Still, I know that if I look for what God would have me do this minute and this minute only, they will fade even more. Eventually they will be destroyed. I trust that God has a plan for me, a plan to prosper, to live, and that His plan is better and more satisfying than anything that I could design. It might even include my own personal dreams, but for now, that's not important. The important thing is that I am getting out of His way so that He can give me everything that He wants to. Regardless of the outcome I believe that will be worth more than anything my selfish heart could ever desire. I am grateful.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I Shouldn't Be Sober
Recently I burnt some trash and had one of those experiences that I’m sure anyone who has had burn piles or gatherings around a bonfire has known. The wind picked up and then seemed to follow me wherever I went. When I got away from the fire the wind seemed to come from one steady direction. But whenever I got close to the flame, the smoke seemed to actively seek me out. It followed me around the fire as I moved to avoid it. The heat of the flame effected the air currents, and I could not predict which way it would shift next. I had only a guess as to which way to move to find a moment of relief before the winds shifted and the smoke found me again, making my eyes water and choking me.
Lately my life has felt much like the burn pile experience. Oh I am talking about it being rubbish that needed to be burnt up or that I feel like my dreams are once more being reduced to ash or anything like that. No, the truth is the last couple of weeks have been amazing and great for more reasons than I can mention. I am richly and truly blessed. In so many ways my life is better than it has ever been.
I have moved and am now in a place where there is less pressure and that Leah loves (at least in some ways). The trip to San Antonio so that Leah could watch her son graduate from Air Force basic training went so much better than I even hoped it would. I loved seeing the joy on Leah’s face from being able to spend time with her son and being able to express her love for him and feel his for her. I spent some wonderful time with Leah on that trip, visited for a few hours with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law (a quite pleasant experience….I’m blessed with an amazing mother-in-law that I love and who, for reasons only God knows, doesn’t feel her daughter married disgustingly below herself as I often feel), I had the blessing of being able to eat lunch with my new (I still consider myself a newlywed) step-son and his fiancé (a true blessing indeed…he has a good father who loves him and who he loves, so I felt especially grateful for being included and given the opportunity to get to know him), and I could go on about several other blessings from that trip. A week later and another trip provided more visiting time with Leah on the road (get the idea that I enjoy traveling, especially with Leah?) and a wonderfully amazing day with her and her daughter. Dinner, bowling, visiting and laughing over youtube videos gave me a chance to get to know my step-daughter a little, and I rejoiced over it. Leah’s children (feels weird to say that when they are both adults) are amazing and wonderful. She and Brad did good there.
I wanted to give Leah and her daughter some time to visit just the two of them, so I found a meeting in Burleson. I had an awesome time visiting that particular group, and the time was fully focused on recovery. Along that subject I have recently added three men to those I work with on the road to recovery, and I so love seeing the light come on in the eyes of those discovering the steps to freedom.
On top of those blessings and so many more that I left out (like my friend finally finding God this week), the greatest miracle sits like a cherry on top of my gratitude list. I am sober today and have not needed to change the way I feel with a drink or drug in over a year. There’s no rhyme or reason for that to be true outside of God. The simple fact is with all the smoke and heat in my life lately, blessings I’m grateful for notwithstanding, I have absolutely no business being sober today. That’s just not who I am. I praise God that it is however who He is.
I haven’t updated my blog in a while, and I spent perhaps too long talking about the things that I’m grateful about for the reader to understand why I say that. I will not go into the list of all the things that have crashed against and over me the past few weeks that nearly buried me in the rubble and ash. How it seemed to blow up yesterday morning even worse, and hope fled from me. But basically all those blessings become little more in my life than patches of blue sky seen through the smoke blinding me. As the smoke of circumstances swirled around me, chasing and overcoming me wherever I turned, and the heat of my life and certain plans burning, I began to choke on self-pity and found myself cut off from the fresh air of the Spirit.
For a moment yesterday morning I slipped so far back into self and self-pity that I actually had the thought that I knew how to make the pain stop and quiet my ever-growing fear. I knew where I could get a bottle. I could make it all go away. Instead I cried as I drove. Cried tears but also out to God. I prayed the only prayer I could muster at the moment was simply, “Oh God, I’m fucked. Help. Oh God, I’m so fucked. There’s no way out. Help. Oh God.” But while I was feeling and saying that there was no way out of the downward spiral I had fallen into, I knew in my Spirit that there was. I was crying out to my only way out, my only source of strength and hope. A few minutes later and not only was the idea of grabbing that bottle long past, but I was able to pray better. I prayed about my fear, my anger, and even my hopelessness and self-pity. I found freedom, although I still had the stench of that smoke of self-pity, anger and fear clinging to me for several more hours.
By late afternoon, I used what I had gone through that morning to try to help another alcoholic and addict who still suffers. Don’t know if what I said was heard or helped much, but I felt free and happy and peaceful once more before the sun had set. The day ended much better for me than it began, and that is always a good thing no matter how the day starts.
I found peace, freedom and salvation as I cried in the morning. Another did not, and in the pain and hopelessness of self-pity ended the fight. As I wait to find out about funeral arrangements, I can’t help but wonder why I was saved and she was not. But I am grateful that as I cried out on the road, “Son of David have mercy on me!” that He did. I can’t explain why some find recovery and some don’t, but I know that as I cling to relationship with He who has all the power that I lack in myself I find victory and freedom and peace that I have not earned and do not deserve. I have no business being alive and sober today, but I am. And so I thank God and share what He has done for me so that others may know that they can find grace instead of the grave.
Lately my life has felt much like the burn pile experience. Oh I am talking about it being rubbish that needed to be burnt up or that I feel like my dreams are once more being reduced to ash or anything like that. No, the truth is the last couple of weeks have been amazing and great for more reasons than I can mention. I am richly and truly blessed. In so many ways my life is better than it has ever been.
I have moved and am now in a place where there is less pressure and that Leah loves (at least in some ways). The trip to San Antonio so that Leah could watch her son graduate from Air Force basic training went so much better than I even hoped it would. I loved seeing the joy on Leah’s face from being able to spend time with her son and being able to express her love for him and feel his for her. I spent some wonderful time with Leah on that trip, visited for a few hours with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law (a quite pleasant experience….I’m blessed with an amazing mother-in-law that I love and who, for reasons only God knows, doesn’t feel her daughter married disgustingly below herself as I often feel), I had the blessing of being able to eat lunch with my new (I still consider myself a newlywed) step-son and his fiancé (a true blessing indeed…he has a good father who loves him and who he loves, so I felt especially grateful for being included and given the opportunity to get to know him), and I could go on about several other blessings from that trip. A week later and another trip provided more visiting time with Leah on the road (get the idea that I enjoy traveling, especially with Leah?) and a wonderfully amazing day with her and her daughter. Dinner, bowling, visiting and laughing over youtube videos gave me a chance to get to know my step-daughter a little, and I rejoiced over it. Leah’s children (feels weird to say that when they are both adults) are amazing and wonderful. She and Brad did good there.
I wanted to give Leah and her daughter some time to visit just the two of them, so I found a meeting in Burleson. I had an awesome time visiting that particular group, and the time was fully focused on recovery. Along that subject I have recently added three men to those I work with on the road to recovery, and I so love seeing the light come on in the eyes of those discovering the steps to freedom.
On top of those blessings and so many more that I left out (like my friend finally finding God this week), the greatest miracle sits like a cherry on top of my gratitude list. I am sober today and have not needed to change the way I feel with a drink or drug in over a year. There’s no rhyme or reason for that to be true outside of God. The simple fact is with all the smoke and heat in my life lately, blessings I’m grateful for notwithstanding, I have absolutely no business being sober today. That’s just not who I am. I praise God that it is however who He is.
I haven’t updated my blog in a while, and I spent perhaps too long talking about the things that I’m grateful about for the reader to understand why I say that. I will not go into the list of all the things that have crashed against and over me the past few weeks that nearly buried me in the rubble and ash. How it seemed to blow up yesterday morning even worse, and hope fled from me. But basically all those blessings become little more in my life than patches of blue sky seen through the smoke blinding me. As the smoke of circumstances swirled around me, chasing and overcoming me wherever I turned, and the heat of my life and certain plans burning, I began to choke on self-pity and found myself cut off from the fresh air of the Spirit.
For a moment yesterday morning I slipped so far back into self and self-pity that I actually had the thought that I knew how to make the pain stop and quiet my ever-growing fear. I knew where I could get a bottle. I could make it all go away. Instead I cried as I drove. Cried tears but also out to God. I prayed the only prayer I could muster at the moment was simply, “Oh God, I’m fucked. Help. Oh God, I’m so fucked. There’s no way out. Help. Oh God.” But while I was feeling and saying that there was no way out of the downward spiral I had fallen into, I knew in my Spirit that there was. I was crying out to my only way out, my only source of strength and hope. A few minutes later and not only was the idea of grabbing that bottle long past, but I was able to pray better. I prayed about my fear, my anger, and even my hopelessness and self-pity. I found freedom, although I still had the stench of that smoke of self-pity, anger and fear clinging to me for several more hours.
By late afternoon, I used what I had gone through that morning to try to help another alcoholic and addict who still suffers. Don’t know if what I said was heard or helped much, but I felt free and happy and peaceful once more before the sun had set. The day ended much better for me than it began, and that is always a good thing no matter how the day starts.
I found peace, freedom and salvation as I cried in the morning. Another did not, and in the pain and hopelessness of self-pity ended the fight. As I wait to find out about funeral arrangements, I can’t help but wonder why I was saved and she was not. But I am grateful that as I cried out on the road, “Son of David have mercy on me!” that He did. I can’t explain why some find recovery and some don’t, but I know that as I cling to relationship with He who has all the power that I lack in myself I find victory and freedom and peace that I have not earned and do not deserve. I have no business being alive and sober today, but I am. And so I thank God and share what He has done for me so that others may know that they can find grace instead of the grave.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Thank You
This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. I will enter His gates with Thanksgiving in my heart.
The above reminds me to be grateful and how important gratitude is to my life in general and my relationship with God in particular. The Big Book tells me that Step three, to turn my will and life over to God as I understand Him, is the keystone to the arch of freedom that the road to recovery passes through. Everything hinges on this. Without it, the rest of the program rings hollow and lack of power remains my dilemma. Experience has shown me that without maintaining my relationship with God, I can not stay clean and sober, and I resubmit my life to the bondage of self.
But how can I trust God enough to turn my life and will over to Him if I can not or will not acknowledge and be grateful for all the blessings that are already in my life. If I can't see the good things in my life, how can I appreciate what God has done for me? I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart tells me that gratitude is the security badge for getting into the gates of the Creator. I don't have to bow a certain way or a certain number of times. I don't have to scrape or humiliate myself. I don't have to perform some mighty dead or be perfect. All I have to do is be thankful for what my Father has done for me.
I didn't sleep last night, but surprisingly I feel more rested than I have in some time now. I lay in bed last night at peace enjoying the presence of my wife beside me. As I watched the clock work its way toward the moment it would sound the alarm I felt so blessed. Usually, I would have been cursing my lack of sleep. I would have become frustrated and angry. Last night I didn't. I reflected on all the amazing and wonderful miracles and blessings I have received over my lifetime and especially in the last year. I listened to Leah's breathing and thanked God for what little rest she was receiving and prayed for more for her because I knew that she was not sleeping well either. I simply soaked in a spirit of gratitude. It was a restful experience even without the sleep, and I am thankful for it. I don't believe I have ever quite experienced that before.
Last night I shared my story at a meeting. Our past is our greatest asset if used to help others, and I am so grateful for the opportunity. I am sick, and barely could function. Several friends and family members were praying for me. I prayed in the bathroom moments before time to talk. I had one break from the painful coughing, stuffy congestion and misery. It was when I got up to walk to the podium until I set back down. I got a little tickle in my throat a couple of times and had to take a drink of water, but that was it. For about 45 minutes it was almost as if I wasn't even sick. It still amazes me to see God do for me what I can not do for myself. I still need that affirmation that God can give me the power to do what He wants me to do, when I can in no way muster the strength on my own. All it takes is surrender and agreement that if He wants me to do it, I can, regardless of what the outward circumstances tell me. Praise be to God for the miracles in my life and for another day of recovery and relationship.
The above reminds me to be grateful and how important gratitude is to my life in general and my relationship with God in particular. The Big Book tells me that Step three, to turn my will and life over to God as I understand Him, is the keystone to the arch of freedom that the road to recovery passes through. Everything hinges on this. Without it, the rest of the program rings hollow and lack of power remains my dilemma. Experience has shown me that without maintaining my relationship with God, I can not stay clean and sober, and I resubmit my life to the bondage of self.
But how can I trust God enough to turn my life and will over to Him if I can not or will not acknowledge and be grateful for all the blessings that are already in my life. If I can't see the good things in my life, how can I appreciate what God has done for me? I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart tells me that gratitude is the security badge for getting into the gates of the Creator. I don't have to bow a certain way or a certain number of times. I don't have to scrape or humiliate myself. I don't have to perform some mighty dead or be perfect. All I have to do is be thankful for what my Father has done for me.
I didn't sleep last night, but surprisingly I feel more rested than I have in some time now. I lay in bed last night at peace enjoying the presence of my wife beside me. As I watched the clock work its way toward the moment it would sound the alarm I felt so blessed. Usually, I would have been cursing my lack of sleep. I would have become frustrated and angry. Last night I didn't. I reflected on all the amazing and wonderful miracles and blessings I have received over my lifetime and especially in the last year. I listened to Leah's breathing and thanked God for what little rest she was receiving and prayed for more for her because I knew that she was not sleeping well either. I simply soaked in a spirit of gratitude. It was a restful experience even without the sleep, and I am thankful for it. I don't believe I have ever quite experienced that before.
Last night I shared my story at a meeting. Our past is our greatest asset if used to help others, and I am so grateful for the opportunity. I am sick, and barely could function. Several friends and family members were praying for me. I prayed in the bathroom moments before time to talk. I had one break from the painful coughing, stuffy congestion and misery. It was when I got up to walk to the podium until I set back down. I got a little tickle in my throat a couple of times and had to take a drink of water, but that was it. For about 45 minutes it was almost as if I wasn't even sick. It still amazes me to see God do for me what I can not do for myself. I still need that affirmation that God can give me the power to do what He wants me to do, when I can in no way muster the strength on my own. All it takes is surrender and agreement that if He wants me to do it, I can, regardless of what the outward circumstances tell me. Praise be to God for the miracles in my life and for another day of recovery and relationship.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Reflections
I thank God for an earthly father who lives an example of Christ-like love and gave me an understanding of the concept of mercy, love and forgiveness rather than hatred, rejection, fire and brimstone. Because of this I can believe in forgiveness from God, because I have seen it in my earthly father I can believe it from a Heavenly Father. I can accept the philosophy of progress not perfection and release myself from the bondage of legalism and expectations I set too high for myself.
The above paragraph comes from the end of a blog entry I wrote a year and a day ago. I had started the day messed up and ended the day sober. The next day, May 17, 2010 I started my first new day free from alcohol and drugs. I have not had to change or enhance the way I feel with drink or drug in one year today, and that is truly a miracle. I refuse to beat myself up over my relapse today. Instead I am going to take this reminder from a year ago, accept the forgiveness of my Creator, forgive myself (again) and thank the Lord for the miracle of the past year.
So much has changed for the better in the past year. I regained my sobriety with a better understanding of and foundation in my program of recovery. I have been blessed with the amazing love and relationship that enriches my life today more than I ever imagined possible. If anyone had asked me a year ago today if I'd be sitting in my home happily married today I would have said no way. First I never believed I would have that blessing in my life again, and a year ago I was such a mess that I never believed recovery and stability could come as quickly as it did. But I have been blessed of God, and really, how long does it take to be raised from the dead? Only as long as it takes me to be willing to let God do whatever He wants and need to do to breathe the life back into my soul.
My name is Dalyn, and I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. I am free today of the obsession to use alcohol and drugs, but more importantly I am being set free, slowly but surely, from the obsession of self. Self is the barrier that creates distance between God and me, and every bit of freedom I have today is in direct proportion to how much of my will I turn over to God. Jesus said essentially that if I want relationship with God, I must die to self, set self aside, and follow His example of servitude, sacrifice and love. My program of recovery tells me that selfishness and self-centeredness are the root of all my problems and the ability to get out of self through conscious contact with God, service to others and cleaning up my side of the street is the way I find recovery of mind, body and spirit.
My selfishness tells me that to do those things means giving up my life, and it's right. But my experience shows me that when I lose my life I find a new and better life full of freedom, joy and peace. A little over a year ago I was almost ready to die and doing a good job of trying to make that happen. Today I have a better life than I ever imagined I could have. I am not special. I am not unique. God could and God has and God will do for anyone what He did for me. The solution is simple, although not always easy...surrender self to the One who has the power to give life and life more abundantly and let the love of Him who is love fill every hole and empty place. After that, fear flees and healing is birthed.
You changed my sorrow into dancing. You took away my clothes of sadness and clothed me in happiness. Psalm 30:11 ncv
The above paragraph comes from the end of a blog entry I wrote a year and a day ago. I had started the day messed up and ended the day sober. The next day, May 17, 2010 I started my first new day free from alcohol and drugs. I have not had to change or enhance the way I feel with drink or drug in one year today, and that is truly a miracle. I refuse to beat myself up over my relapse today. Instead I am going to take this reminder from a year ago, accept the forgiveness of my Creator, forgive myself (again) and thank the Lord for the miracle of the past year.
So much has changed for the better in the past year. I regained my sobriety with a better understanding of and foundation in my program of recovery. I have been blessed with the amazing love and relationship that enriches my life today more than I ever imagined possible. If anyone had asked me a year ago today if I'd be sitting in my home happily married today I would have said no way. First I never believed I would have that blessing in my life again, and a year ago I was such a mess that I never believed recovery and stability could come as quickly as it did. But I have been blessed of God, and really, how long does it take to be raised from the dead? Only as long as it takes me to be willing to let God do whatever He wants and need to do to breathe the life back into my soul.
My name is Dalyn, and I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. I am free today of the obsession to use alcohol and drugs, but more importantly I am being set free, slowly but surely, from the obsession of self. Self is the barrier that creates distance between God and me, and every bit of freedom I have today is in direct proportion to how much of my will I turn over to God. Jesus said essentially that if I want relationship with God, I must die to self, set self aside, and follow His example of servitude, sacrifice and love. My program of recovery tells me that selfishness and self-centeredness are the root of all my problems and the ability to get out of self through conscious contact with God, service to others and cleaning up my side of the street is the way I find recovery of mind, body and spirit.
My selfishness tells me that to do those things means giving up my life, and it's right. But my experience shows me that when I lose my life I find a new and better life full of freedom, joy and peace. A little over a year ago I was almost ready to die and doing a good job of trying to make that happen. Today I have a better life than I ever imagined I could have. I am not special. I am not unique. God could and God has and God will do for anyone what He did for me. The solution is simple, although not always easy...surrender self to the One who has the power to give life and life more abundantly and let the love of Him who is love fill every hole and empty place. After that, fear flees and healing is birthed.
You changed my sorrow into dancing. You took away my clothes of sadness and clothed me in happiness. Psalm 30:11 ncv
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Dry Bones Dancing
"Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my meditation. Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God: for unto thee will I pray. My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up." Psalm 5:1-3
Since the book of Psalms was originally a collection of songs, it's no surprise to me that so many of them have been set to music and used as praise, worship and prayer songs in modern times. The three verses I quoted above make up a song that I grew up singing in my father's church, and I woke up with the refrain repeating in my mind this morning.
I feel the weight on my emotions, and I know that my soul is crying out, but I'm not exactly sure in what way. I can't put it into words, not even to myself. But while I don't know exactly what the prayer of my heart is this morning, I know that at its root is please get this boulder off of me. I feel pinned beneath a a weight that I can not budge. My spirit weighs heavy against me.
But I know that God does not make too hard of terms with those who seek him. That doesn't mean that times won't be hard. For me, it means that my contract with my Creator does not have terms and conditions that I can not fulfill. I do not have to figure out how to remove the weight from my heart. I do not have to muster up the strength to pull myself out from underneath it or push it off me. I do not have to perform at some unattainable level of perfection in order to find relief.
My part of the agreement is simply this, heavy heart or light, I surrender to Him. When everything is going my way and when nothing is, I walk in what He has called me and taught me to the best of my ability and trust Him to give me the grace and strength to complete the journey. My part is to cry out to Him when I weary and let Him carry the burden. Jesus tells me to come to Him when I am weary and heavy laden and that when I do that, He will make my burden light. That means that I will have access to His strength to do whatever it is I need to do. I know that I can cast my cares on Him, for He cares for me.
It is so wonderful to be reminded that God loves and cares for me. I need that more than ever when the circumstances of my life would testify to the opposite. But circumstances are not my God nor my truth. There was a time when feeling such a weight on my soul and mourning the loss of my own dreams and desires I would react in self-pity and seek oblivion. Today, I know that if I lose a dream of my own, that God will replace it with Him dream for me, which is infinitely better and more satisfying. To surrender to His dream for me can even simply prepare me to better handle the fulfillment of my own dream later on down the road. If there's one thing I have learned, I know that death, even of dreams, is not the end of the story with God. He has proven able to revive old, dry bones into living beings able to dance for the world to see.
So I cry out to my Daddy, listen to my words, and when I don't have the words, understand and listen to my heavy sighs. Listen to my cries for help, for I know that you are my help, and I know that I am powerless to help myself. That's why I run to You. I know my Creator is holy and perfect and will not associate with evil, but though I myself am still evil in part, I rely on Your great mercy to allow me to come to You and fellowship with You. I can enter Your house, though I have done nothing to earn that right. I will come in to Your presence with reverence because I know that I didn't do anything to deserve to be there. Lead and guide me Lord. I need Your direction because my mind is my enemy and it deceives me and taunts me to go toward my own destruction. Banish those strongholds within my mind that refuse to surrender to You and Your will for me, because I know that the thoughts which would lead me from You or cause me to run from You are an open grave waiting to be filled. "(verse 11) But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you." Yes, let me find my safety in You, and may that safety bring gladness to my heart to replace the fear and heaviness. For I am sure that You bless those who seek You in earnest and surround them with Your favor as with a shield. When I seek You I am protected from the pain and fear of calamity, if not from calamity itself. If I am to be destroyed, then let it be done in such a way that my destruction and or reconstruction shows others Your power and willingness to deliver. Like dry bones dancing in the desert, let it be obvious that any life in me is because of and from You. God, I offer myself to You — to build with me and to do with me as You will (that includes working how and where You want me to work, to help those You would have me help, and to give up any part of me that You need me to let go of). Relieve me of the bondage of self (and the need to protect my own dreams and desires), that I may better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of life (and how much better Your power, love and way of life is than anything I could have on my own). May I do Your will always! My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad, dreams and fears. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character, every habit of thought, every selfish desire, which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do what You would have me do. Fill these dry bones with Your quickening water that I might dance for Your glory and be a living testimony of Your deliverance.
Since the book of Psalms was originally a collection of songs, it's no surprise to me that so many of them have been set to music and used as praise, worship and prayer songs in modern times. The three verses I quoted above make up a song that I grew up singing in my father's church, and I woke up with the refrain repeating in my mind this morning.
I feel the weight on my emotions, and I know that my soul is crying out, but I'm not exactly sure in what way. I can't put it into words, not even to myself. But while I don't know exactly what the prayer of my heart is this morning, I know that at its root is please get this boulder off of me. I feel pinned beneath a a weight that I can not budge. My spirit weighs heavy against me.
But I know that God does not make too hard of terms with those who seek him. That doesn't mean that times won't be hard. For me, it means that my contract with my Creator does not have terms and conditions that I can not fulfill. I do not have to figure out how to remove the weight from my heart. I do not have to muster up the strength to pull myself out from underneath it or push it off me. I do not have to perform at some unattainable level of perfection in order to find relief.
My part of the agreement is simply this, heavy heart or light, I surrender to Him. When everything is going my way and when nothing is, I walk in what He has called me and taught me to the best of my ability and trust Him to give me the grace and strength to complete the journey. My part is to cry out to Him when I weary and let Him carry the burden. Jesus tells me to come to Him when I am weary and heavy laden and that when I do that, He will make my burden light. That means that I will have access to His strength to do whatever it is I need to do. I know that I can cast my cares on Him, for He cares for me.
It is so wonderful to be reminded that God loves and cares for me. I need that more than ever when the circumstances of my life would testify to the opposite. But circumstances are not my God nor my truth. There was a time when feeling such a weight on my soul and mourning the loss of my own dreams and desires I would react in self-pity and seek oblivion. Today, I know that if I lose a dream of my own, that God will replace it with Him dream for me, which is infinitely better and more satisfying. To surrender to His dream for me can even simply prepare me to better handle the fulfillment of my own dream later on down the road. If there's one thing I have learned, I know that death, even of dreams, is not the end of the story with God. He has proven able to revive old, dry bones into living beings able to dance for the world to see.
So I cry out to my Daddy, listen to my words, and when I don't have the words, understand and listen to my heavy sighs. Listen to my cries for help, for I know that you are my help, and I know that I am powerless to help myself. That's why I run to You. I know my Creator is holy and perfect and will not associate with evil, but though I myself am still evil in part, I rely on Your great mercy to allow me to come to You and fellowship with You. I can enter Your house, though I have done nothing to earn that right. I will come in to Your presence with reverence because I know that I didn't do anything to deserve to be there. Lead and guide me Lord. I need Your direction because my mind is my enemy and it deceives me and taunts me to go toward my own destruction. Banish those strongholds within my mind that refuse to surrender to You and Your will for me, because I know that the thoughts which would lead me from You or cause me to run from You are an open grave waiting to be filled. "(verse 11) But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you." Yes, let me find my safety in You, and may that safety bring gladness to my heart to replace the fear and heaviness. For I am sure that You bless those who seek You in earnest and surround them with Your favor as with a shield. When I seek You I am protected from the pain and fear of calamity, if not from calamity itself. If I am to be destroyed, then let it be done in such a way that my destruction and or reconstruction shows others Your power and willingness to deliver. Like dry bones dancing in the desert, let it be obvious that any life in me is because of and from You. God, I offer myself to You — to build with me and to do with me as You will (that includes working how and where You want me to work, to help those You would have me help, and to give up any part of me that You need me to let go of). Relieve me of the bondage of self (and the need to protect my own dreams and desires), that I may better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of life (and how much better Your power, love and way of life is than anything I could have on my own). May I do Your will always! My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad, dreams and fears. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character, every habit of thought, every selfish desire, which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do what You would have me do. Fill these dry bones with Your quickening water that I might dance for Your glory and be a living testimony of Your deliverance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
