Getting Out Of The Way

"Hot on the trail of God's will, and getting warmer still. Got it together this time around. There's nothing to stop you now.

"Stopped by the slam of a door. God, what'd You do that for? Sometimes we just don't understand how He wants to let us in.

"When God closes a door, look for a window, oh look for a window. Don't stand at the door, there might be a window. Oh look for a window.

"Responsibilities change, and so do our pathways. One way God shows which way to go is to let the old road close...

"There's no point in getting down on yourself. God is only pointing you somewhere else."

The above are the lyrics to a song by Dallas Holm that ran through my mind most of the night last night. For a while now I have struggled with disappointment and attempting to delay what was becoming more and more clearly inevitable. I had already accepted things the way they were, or so I thought. I applied for work, knowing that as soon as that work was found, I would have to put my business, my dreams, on hold yet again, perhaps permanently. But I held off on the announcement and continued to take on the occasional customer. Fighting the shut down. The truth is that it became obvious to me last night that I had not accepted things at all.

When I am in the right place with God, totally surrendered to His will and direction for my life and my recovery is on track, then I find that I no longer struggle. No, I don't mean that things don't still go wrong or that life doesn't happen. I mean I don't fight my circumstances. I cease fighting anything and anyone. So the constant struggle within and without to hang on to my dream, to go out kicking and screaming if I had to go out, should have been my first clue that I had begun to run on self-will in this area in my life. I even began to compromise certain principles in order to try to make things work. When it comes to what you know is right, compromise is not a good thing. I told myself I couldn't do this or that because...but when I am honest with myself, that because was simply fear. A being driven, motivated and/or controlled by fear is another sign God gives me to enable me to see where I am running on self-will rather than His will.

Am I disappointed? Yes. At first, I tried to fight that emotion. I've been fighting against, trying to squash it and deny it for a while now, as I slowly saw where the situation was headed. I know that when I am disappointed, it means something didn't go or isn't going my way. I didn't get what I wanted. Since the most important principle in my life today is that God is the principle, and I am simply His agent, I know that my way doesn't really matter. I didn't want to be upset about not getting my way, because that means that I am not where I need to be on the most important factor in my life....there is a God, and I'm not Him.

But trying to ignore my disappointment or crush it doesn't change that I didn't get my way. I didn't. But last night, as the song above ran on repeat on my mental jukebox, I realized that I don't have to fight that either. God gave me the talents and gifts that inspired the dream. It's only natural that I am reluctant to let it go. I don't have to fight that. I don't have to fix it. I simply have to see it for what it is. I have a desire that God has decided that the time is not right for. It's ok to want what I want as long as I want what He wants more.

I know that if I follow His lead and direction than He will either take me to the place where when the dream comes true it is even better than if I had been able to make it work now. And that He will receive the glory for it. And I also know that if this is not a temporary delay, as I hope that it is, then He has something even better in store for me, that once again will bring Him glory and will fill my life with more purpose, satisfaction and serenity than having what I want now could ever bring.

So, I took a deep breath, practiced acceptance, ignored my fear and trusted God to catch me and care for me. I did what made it real, so that I couldn't fight it or run from it any longer. I closed the doors on my business and said Ok God, I won't fight You on this any more. I know that my happiness, my joy, my freedom, and my serenity is not based on any outside situation, such as doing what I want and love for a living. I know that my significance and value is not set by what I do but rather by my relationship with Him who created me.

This morning I have less fear and disappointment, but they are there. Still, I know that if I look for what God would have me do this minute and this minute only, they will fade even more. Eventually they will be destroyed. I trust that God has a plan for me, a plan to prosper, to live, and that His plan is better and more satisfying than anything that I could design. It might even include my own personal dreams, but for now, that's not important. The important thing is that I am getting out of His way so that He can give me everything that He wants to. Regardless of the outcome I believe that will be worth more than anything my selfish heart could ever desire. I am grateful.