Yesterday I received the blessing of meeting one of my cousins again. That sounds a little strange, I'm sure, but when you are in the 40 years old range and all your memories of someone are from the childhood and teen years, then the truth is that you don't know that person. She is not the same person she was in the 70s and 80s any more than I am. So I met her again, and the time was as wonderful as she is. Ok, in some ways she hasn't changed a bit.
But as great and laughter filled as the visit was, I came away from it a little sad as well. Sad is not the right word. My joy was tinged with regret. I thought I had not seen her since probably 1989, and that alone is regrettable. I have always told myself and others that family is very important to me, and yet, I have lost touch with so many. As the years stretch by it gets easier and easier to let the gap widen and the relationships fade. Feelings of shame for why I lost touch with everyone combine with fear of rejection to keep me from reaching out. That is not how recovery should be, but it is how I feel all too often, even now, when I stop long enough to look at it and be honest with myself.
But yesterday, I learned something else. I was wrong about the last time I saw my cousin. I saw her in 1999. I just didn't remember the short encounter she had with a trashed out man who looked a mess, was a worse mess, and greeted the cousin he loved and hadn't seen in years simply with the words, "You didn't see me here." She responded, "Cool," and I walked away from that convenience store so far from where I was supposed to be at the time with someone I never should have spent any time with, and left. A few months later my house of cards crashed down and my choices finished taking away even the illusion of freedom in my life.
Oh how far I fell from the precocious little blonde haired boy who ran laughing through life spreading joy and loving family. But I am not feeling sorry for myself or wallowing in regret. I am grateful. I am grateful that I am closer to that childlike joy than I have ever been since my youth. I am thankful for a relationship with God that erases the shame of the past and uses the crap consequences of foolish choices as fertilizer to help myself and others grow in relationship and recovery. And I am grateful for family who walk into rooms with smiles and open arms for the prodigal son who wasted all on riotous living. I am grateful that I bear little resemblance to the man who walked into a store three hours from home and bumped into two cousins in 1999. I am grateful for recovery and freedom from self-imposed bondage and slavery. And I know that I am forgiven. The joy of forgiveness overrides the pain of regret, the fear of rejection and the sense of shame that would enslave me again.
I am so grateful to have met a wonderful lady who still so reminds me of the childhood friend I loved so many years ago. I am grateful for her open arms and tight hug and amazing smile. But I am not special. This is not even a rare miracle. The truth is that I am loved by an amazing God who has a special love for the broken, the bruised and the slave. He offers freedom and recovery to all who will receive it and surrender to His call that says to the addict, come home and let Me restore you.
I do have family that are not quite as quick to forgive and welcome. Others have forgiven and rejoiced at my recovery but the closeness just will never be there. But out of total insanity and isolation I have found relationship, most importantly with God. There are new relationships that strengthen and enrich my life. And I can look in the mirror this morning without shame, fear and self-rejection. What I have done, anyone can do. All that is required is to hear the call and respond. Prodigal, come home. It seems an eternity away, you've run so far, but in truth, you're only 12 steps away from deliverance and relationship with the Father who stands on His porch daily looking down the road just waiting for a glimpse of His child.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Not Every Man Really Lives
Self obsession is to be occupied or filled with selfish affairs while ignoring others. When I am obsessed with myself I ignore God and others that I love. The acquaintance and the stranger don't even show up on my mental radar unless I see a way to get something for myself or improve my life in some way by using them. I live my life based on my selfish needs and desires. As long as my needs are met life is good, and I don't worry about others. And in my experience it soon follows my slipping into this attitude that I am completely empty of all but pain and misery. God wants my life to positively effect the lives of others. It's not all about me.
One of my favorite lines from the movie Braveheart is "Every man dies. Not every man really lives." But then what does it mean to really live? Today I believe that to really live means that to enter into relationship with my Creator in such a way that I become happy, joyous and free and that I am ruled by love, love for God and love for others. The result is my actions and life no longer being about only myself but instead what I have overflowing positively into the lives of others and my course of action being determined by how what I think and do will effect others.
The truth is that even my relationship with God is not just about me. Some would say: It's a personal thing, and my relationship between me and God is just that, between me and God. It's nobody's business but mine, because it only effects me.
I think that philosophy totally misses the mark and makes me question the relationship. God, as I understand Him, blessed me through the the service of others, and He wants me to serve others in return. He set up the spiritual paradox of to get you have to give away, to be free you have to surrender to another, to have life you must be willing to lay your life down and that no greater love can be shown than to lay down your life for another. These are not the spiritual principles of a God who is ok with me being selfish and our relationship only being about me. My relationship with God must go beyond me so that it can reach and positively effect other people's lives or it has no value.
If all I have done is save myself then what's the point? I have found the path through the fire to safety, but if I run down the path and do not care who else is saved then I am also partly responsible for those who die in the fire behind me. Now, if I say, "Hey, follow me! I know the way out!" and they say no, I got this. I'm going to do it myself, then I'm going on down the path. I am going to make sure that my butt is safe, my sobriety is stable, my relationship with God is right. But that is just it; if I don't care about the men, women and children who still suffer because I am too busy enjoying that I don't suffer anymore, then my relationship with God is not right. It won't be long before I am suffering again too. Self obsession and self centeredness has always led to suffering in my life.
Today I want to really live and use my will the way it was intended to be used by choosing to surrender that very will to the will of God. It there, safely tucked away in my Creator's Good Orderly Direction that I find freedom, and everything being the best it can be, and the ability to be of service to Him and my fellow man. Being a servant is more of a life than I ever found while living for myself. Strange, I know, but true.
One of my favorite lines from the movie Braveheart is "Every man dies. Not every man really lives." But then what does it mean to really live? Today I believe that to really live means that to enter into relationship with my Creator in such a way that I become happy, joyous and free and that I am ruled by love, love for God and love for others. The result is my actions and life no longer being about only myself but instead what I have overflowing positively into the lives of others and my course of action being determined by how what I think and do will effect others.
The truth is that even my relationship with God is not just about me. Some would say: It's a personal thing, and my relationship between me and God is just that, between me and God. It's nobody's business but mine, because it only effects me.
I think that philosophy totally misses the mark and makes me question the relationship. God, as I understand Him, blessed me through the the service of others, and He wants me to serve others in return. He set up the spiritual paradox of to get you have to give away, to be free you have to surrender to another, to have life you must be willing to lay your life down and that no greater love can be shown than to lay down your life for another. These are not the spiritual principles of a God who is ok with me being selfish and our relationship only being about me. My relationship with God must go beyond me so that it can reach and positively effect other people's lives or it has no value.
If all I have done is save myself then what's the point? I have found the path through the fire to safety, but if I run down the path and do not care who else is saved then I am also partly responsible for those who die in the fire behind me. Now, if I say, "Hey, follow me! I know the way out!" and they say no, I got this. I'm going to do it myself, then I'm going on down the path. I am going to make sure that my butt is safe, my sobriety is stable, my relationship with God is right. But that is just it; if I don't care about the men, women and children who still suffer because I am too busy enjoying that I don't suffer anymore, then my relationship with God is not right. It won't be long before I am suffering again too. Self obsession and self centeredness has always led to suffering in my life.
Today I want to really live and use my will the way it was intended to be used by choosing to surrender that very will to the will of God. It there, safely tucked away in my Creator's Good Orderly Direction that I find freedom, and everything being the best it can be, and the ability to be of service to Him and my fellow man. Being a servant is more of a life than I ever found while living for myself. Strange, I know, but true.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Choices
I read today that selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my troubles. My life and choices were driven by many different manifestations of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity, and those choices led to almost every instance of damage and pain that I have experienced and or caused others to experience. Realizing this came as a result of taking a thorough moral inventory of myself. But today I associate this passage and the ideas I feel are behind it with a different step of my program of recovery. Today it helps me keep a proper attitude and reaction to the very foundation of recovery.
In the same book that I read the above information about the root of my problem I am told that lack of power was my dilemma. I know that I am powerless over alcohol and other addictions and that my life, as a result of running on my own strength, power, and making choices based on my reactions to and bondage of fear, self-reliance, self-will, etc. had become unmanageable. Experience has proved to me that when I make choices based on my own understanding of things and survival instincts that far more often than not, I choose something that leads to disappointment, if not outright disaster. Eventually when I begin to attempt to run my own life and make my choices based on what I feel is best or right I distance myself from God and lose contact, guidance and power that He freely makes available to me. When I begin to live this way, insanity returns, and although I can not explain it, everything within me makes a drink or a drug seem like a really good idea.
I have a daily reprieve from the obsession to drink and drug contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. The maintenance of my spiritual condition is not my spiritual knowledge or understanding, it is the level that I put into action what I have learned of and from God and how I stay connected to Him. When everything feels like it is falling apart in areas of my life I need to beware my choices. I am not writing here of choices to drink and use but the choices in how I react or respond to what is happening in my life. When I don't know what to do, I feel afraid, but I can not allow my choices to be directed by fear. If I begin to act on my own wisdom, knowledge, will and power in the everyday direction of my life I am beginning to return to the path that led to my near destruction. But when I remember that I have surrendered my will and my life, and therefore my choices, over to the care of my Creator, I am directed through the storm to a port of safety and security...and while I am traveling to that safe place I can know peace. My choices based on my needs, desires and instincts have almost never lead to life, but every choice I have made to let God make the choice of direction and reaction has lead to freedom and serenity. The only choice I can safely make in my life when I feel the pressure of life pushing me under is to choose to let God direct every action and reaction I make.
In the same book that I read the above information about the root of my problem I am told that lack of power was my dilemma. I know that I am powerless over alcohol and other addictions and that my life, as a result of running on my own strength, power, and making choices based on my reactions to and bondage of fear, self-reliance, self-will, etc. had become unmanageable. Experience has proved to me that when I make choices based on my own understanding of things and survival instincts that far more often than not, I choose something that leads to disappointment, if not outright disaster. Eventually when I begin to attempt to run my own life and make my choices based on what I feel is best or right I distance myself from God and lose contact, guidance and power that He freely makes available to me. When I begin to live this way, insanity returns, and although I can not explain it, everything within me makes a drink or a drug seem like a really good idea.
I have a daily reprieve from the obsession to drink and drug contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. The maintenance of my spiritual condition is not my spiritual knowledge or understanding, it is the level that I put into action what I have learned of and from God and how I stay connected to Him. When everything feels like it is falling apart in areas of my life I need to beware my choices. I am not writing here of choices to drink and use but the choices in how I react or respond to what is happening in my life. When I don't know what to do, I feel afraid, but I can not allow my choices to be directed by fear. If I begin to act on my own wisdom, knowledge, will and power in the everyday direction of my life I am beginning to return to the path that led to my near destruction. But when I remember that I have surrendered my will and my life, and therefore my choices, over to the care of my Creator, I am directed through the storm to a port of safety and security...and while I am traveling to that safe place I can know peace. My choices based on my needs, desires and instincts have almost never lead to life, but every choice I have made to let God make the choice of direction and reaction has lead to freedom and serenity. The only choice I can safely make in my life when I feel the pressure of life pushing me under is to choose to let God direct every action and reaction I make.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Living My Own Life
"There is one life to live for each of us: our own" - Euripedes
I would amend what Euripedes said by adding that my own life is not my own. It is the life that God gave me. I didn't ask for my life, earn my life or deserve my life. It is a gift from my Creator. And while in many respects I am no different from any other human that has ever lived, lives, or will ever live, in some respects I am uniquely and wonderfully made by God just as I am. No one else can live my life or do exactly what I can do, just as I can not live anyone else's life or do exactly what they can do. But my power and freedom come not from within or just bull headedly doing whatever I want or feel like doing. Living my life in the way that best benefits me and those that I love means that I must live my life and my life alone. I can not live yours or anyone else's. This doesn't just mean I can't enjoy the perks of the rich and famous. It also means that I can't tell someone else how they have to do even the smallest thing. I can show them what works for me and let it go at that.
I also can not live or have someone else's sobriety or control. I can not have someone I admire's sobriety by wishing for it, nor get it instantly by working for it. Theirs came after work and through the grace of God. It takes time. Mine does too. I also do not have to live in fear because of weaknesses I see in others. I must surrender my life and will over to God and do the work He would have me do. The rest will come. Remembering this helps me to not measure my insides by someone else's outsides.
Most importantly, living my own life means that God has a unique purpose for me that only I can fulfill, with His power, grace and help. If I don't do it, it may not get done. For me to have the most freedom, power and enjoyment in my life, I must surrender that life. In order for my life to be my own, my will can not be mine. Living by my own will takes away all freedom in my life and keeps me in bondage. Paradoxically, giving my will up and surrendering to God's will in my life enables me to be happy, joyous and free and equips me for the service that He needs of me. That is my goal, my dream today. No longer do I simply want to be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I tried that, and nearly died in misery. I want to lose my life to my Creator's control, because I have learned that when I do that, He returns my life to me in much better shape than I could ever get it, and then and only then can I live my own life in a manner that makes it feel worthwhile to be alive.
I would amend what Euripedes said by adding that my own life is not my own. It is the life that God gave me. I didn't ask for my life, earn my life or deserve my life. It is a gift from my Creator. And while in many respects I am no different from any other human that has ever lived, lives, or will ever live, in some respects I am uniquely and wonderfully made by God just as I am. No one else can live my life or do exactly what I can do, just as I can not live anyone else's life or do exactly what they can do. But my power and freedom come not from within or just bull headedly doing whatever I want or feel like doing. Living my life in the way that best benefits me and those that I love means that I must live my life and my life alone. I can not live yours or anyone else's. This doesn't just mean I can't enjoy the perks of the rich and famous. It also means that I can't tell someone else how they have to do even the smallest thing. I can show them what works for me and let it go at that.
I also can not live or have someone else's sobriety or control. I can not have someone I admire's sobriety by wishing for it, nor get it instantly by working for it. Theirs came after work and through the grace of God. It takes time. Mine does too. I also do not have to live in fear because of weaknesses I see in others. I must surrender my life and will over to God and do the work He would have me do. The rest will come. Remembering this helps me to not measure my insides by someone else's outsides.
Most importantly, living my own life means that God has a unique purpose for me that only I can fulfill, with His power, grace and help. If I don't do it, it may not get done. For me to have the most freedom, power and enjoyment in my life, I must surrender that life. In order for my life to be my own, my will can not be mine. Living by my own will takes away all freedom in my life and keeps me in bondage. Paradoxically, giving my will up and surrendering to God's will in my life enables me to be happy, joyous and free and equips me for the service that He needs of me. That is my goal, my dream today. No longer do I simply want to be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I tried that, and nearly died in misery. I want to lose my life to my Creator's control, because I have learned that when I do that, He returns my life to me in much better shape than I could ever get it, and then and only then can I live my own life in a manner that makes it feel worthwhile to be alive.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Forgiving Relapse
Yesterday morning started so amazingly. During my morning meditation I received a phone call that blessed me beyond measure. The gratitude I felt set my mind in the right direction and focus, and the events and situations of the day followed my mindset. Funny how often that seems to happen. When I start my day focused on the right things and add a healthy dose of gratitude my day goes so much better.
But last night I nearly threw that positive feeling out the window. For a short time I set down my spirit of gratitude and picked up my old bag of guilt. I cradled it to my heart like a long lost friend. Yes, I am still sick.
I went to a time of fellowship with my second family to celebrate with a few of my nearest and dearest who had sobriety birthdays this month. It was a wonderful time, full of encouragement and blessing, right up to the point where I slipped into self-centeredness and self-pity. The self-centeredness began as I lost sight of the simple fact that last night's events were for and about my friends and there accomplishments. It wasn't about me. Yet, I started thinking of myself. This was mistake number one.
It happened so easily I didn't even realize it at first. I started by feeling empathy for someone very special and important to me who I assumed (because I did not ask...mistake number two) had a rough time because this person would have been celebrating a birthday also had a relapse not occurred. I thought, "That has to be hard. I know how [they] feel, because if I hadn't gone back out, I would have two years two months tonight, rather than nine months." That was all it took. That little look at myself and how I would be justified in feeling bad about it was all it took. My mind was off to the races. Self-pity took the lead.
During the fellowship, one of the celebrants who also happens to be one of my dear friends, mentioned that because of everything that had been learned from the experience they were grateful for a previous relapse three years ago. As soon as they said that I had one of my "I want what they have" moments. I want that gratitude and self-forgiveness. But I couldn't have it and carry my guilt bag, and in just a few short moments of self-pity, I became very comfortable with my guilt bag. It felt like the perfect accessory that went with everything.
When I got home, I shared my feelings with my wife. I even mentioned that a small part of me was dreading May, because I didn't feel I had a right to celebrate a sobriety birthday until I reached year two. I have already celebrated a year. After all, you're not supposed to celebrate the same birthday number over and over until you turn 39 right? My wife looked right at me and through me and asked how long I was going to carry that guilt around. I answered honestly that I didn't know. I try not to, but sometime I pick it back up for a while.
She looked at me with love and understanding and said one of the best things about relapse I have ever heard. Shit happens; don't let shit happen again." I laughed, but the truth is that there wasn't anything funny about what she said. Those words were the life changing truth that I needed to hear. The past is gone. If I try to carry it around in my guilt bag, I will only make myself sick. I will eventually damage my program of recovery, nullify the promises that have come true in my life, and make myself vulnerable to yet another relapse. I will have set myself up for shit to happen again. That is definitely not what I want in my life today.
No, I have not reached the place where like my dear friend I can say that I am grateful today for my relapse, but I don't have to wallow in regret or carry a bag full of guilt with me everywhere I go. I am working my program diligently. Through working a 12-step program of recovery and grace from God, I have rebuilt 9 months worth of length on my road to recovery. The truth is that my sobriety at nine months today is much more stable and complete than at nine months the first time. It would seem that I needed to tear that stretch of road up and rebuild so that my early miles could be as strong and secure as possible. I didn't realize it at the time, but I missed something the first time around. What I missed lead to faulty construction further down the road, and at about 15 months a bridge beneath me collapsed.
Today things are better for a few reasons. One, I know that my sobriety is more stable and secure this time around, based on journals from the same time period. I am better able to serve my God, my family, my fellow alcoholics and addicts, and whoever else God directs me to be of service to. Also, I know have experience in another area that I can share with someone else. My mistake doesn't have to be shit stinking up my life. It can be fertilizer that helps others, as well as myself, grow. Also, I set down my guilt bag. God gave me a spiritual fashion lesson. Despite how I felt when I picked it out, guilt bags don't really go with any of the spiritual outfits that God has given me. It doesn't look good, feel good, or even provide a useful function. I know my God, and He has forgiven of much worse than a couple month relapse. It's time for me to forgive myself as well. I know that there will come a time when I truly do not regret this area of my past nor wish to close the door on it.
But last night I nearly threw that positive feeling out the window. For a short time I set down my spirit of gratitude and picked up my old bag of guilt. I cradled it to my heart like a long lost friend. Yes, I am still sick.
I went to a time of fellowship with my second family to celebrate with a few of my nearest and dearest who had sobriety birthdays this month. It was a wonderful time, full of encouragement and blessing, right up to the point where I slipped into self-centeredness and self-pity. The self-centeredness began as I lost sight of the simple fact that last night's events were for and about my friends and there accomplishments. It wasn't about me. Yet, I started thinking of myself. This was mistake number one.
It happened so easily I didn't even realize it at first. I started by feeling empathy for someone very special and important to me who I assumed (because I did not ask...mistake number two) had a rough time because this person would have been celebrating a birthday also had a relapse not occurred. I thought, "That has to be hard. I know how [they] feel, because if I hadn't gone back out, I would have two years two months tonight, rather than nine months." That was all it took. That little look at myself and how I would be justified in feeling bad about it was all it took. My mind was off to the races. Self-pity took the lead.
During the fellowship, one of the celebrants who also happens to be one of my dear friends, mentioned that because of everything that had been learned from the experience they were grateful for a previous relapse three years ago. As soon as they said that I had one of my "I want what they have" moments. I want that gratitude and self-forgiveness. But I couldn't have it and carry my guilt bag, and in just a few short moments of self-pity, I became very comfortable with my guilt bag. It felt like the perfect accessory that went with everything.
When I got home, I shared my feelings with my wife. I even mentioned that a small part of me was dreading May, because I didn't feel I had a right to celebrate a sobriety birthday until I reached year two. I have already celebrated a year. After all, you're not supposed to celebrate the same birthday number over and over until you turn 39 right? My wife looked right at me and through me and asked how long I was going to carry that guilt around. I answered honestly that I didn't know. I try not to, but sometime I pick it back up for a while.
She looked at me with love and understanding and said one of the best things about relapse I have ever heard. Shit happens; don't let shit happen again." I laughed, but the truth is that there wasn't anything funny about what she said. Those words were the life changing truth that I needed to hear. The past is gone. If I try to carry it around in my guilt bag, I will only make myself sick. I will eventually damage my program of recovery, nullify the promises that have come true in my life, and make myself vulnerable to yet another relapse. I will have set myself up for shit to happen again. That is definitely not what I want in my life today.
No, I have not reached the place where like my dear friend I can say that I am grateful today for my relapse, but I don't have to wallow in regret or carry a bag full of guilt with me everywhere I go. I am working my program diligently. Through working a 12-step program of recovery and grace from God, I have rebuilt 9 months worth of length on my road to recovery. The truth is that my sobriety at nine months today is much more stable and complete than at nine months the first time. It would seem that I needed to tear that stretch of road up and rebuild so that my early miles could be as strong and secure as possible. I didn't realize it at the time, but I missed something the first time around. What I missed lead to faulty construction further down the road, and at about 15 months a bridge beneath me collapsed.
Today things are better for a few reasons. One, I know that my sobriety is more stable and secure this time around, based on journals from the same time period. I am better able to serve my God, my family, my fellow alcoholics and addicts, and whoever else God directs me to be of service to. Also, I know have experience in another area that I can share with someone else. My mistake doesn't have to be shit stinking up my life. It can be fertilizer that helps others, as well as myself, grow. Also, I set down my guilt bag. God gave me a spiritual fashion lesson. Despite how I felt when I picked it out, guilt bags don't really go with any of the spiritual outfits that God has given me. It doesn't look good, feel good, or even provide a useful function. I know my God, and He has forgiven of much worse than a couple month relapse. It's time for me to forgive myself as well. I know that there will come a time when I truly do not regret this area of my past nor wish to close the door on it.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Truth Just Might Not Set You Free
I have heard it said in conversation, in the rooms of recovery, and even from pulpits in churches. I have even said it myself and by doing so furthered a dangerous deception in my own life. Said what? How many times I have realized something about myself or God, shared it, and then had someone, maybe even my own thoughts say, "The truth shall set you free!," I couldn't tell you, but it is that one sentence I am referring to here. The truth shall set you free.
That the truth shall set us free is seen by many, including at times myself, as some Promise from God, Spiritual Law or FACT, or even as some psycho babble self-improvement mantra tied into knowing yourself. This sentence went through my mind this morning, and the falseness of it just cut me to the quick. So, I meditated on the truth about the statement "The truth shall set you free." And yes, I said falseness, but please bear with me and hear me out before casting stones against my heresy.
The statement as used when quoted as follows, "The Truth shall set you free," is a concept that permeates many of our lives in many ways. It was even quoted in "Star Trek." It's a concept we're familiar with, and I call bullshit. It's not true. For those who are having scriptural issues at the moment, I will address that, but first let me continue with the statement just being wrong.
The truth, in and of itself, can not accomplish anything. It certainly won't set me free. I have said about my relapse that there's nothing worse than having a head full of recovery and a belly full of rum. It's misery, and I imagine a few heads around "the room" nodding in agreement. Why is that feeling so miserable? Because I knew the truth and wasn't free. Because knowing what I needed to do and still not doing it made it feel even worse than just failing to stay sober did.
Truth received, believed, accepted, responded to, and acted upon can effect freedom, but not simply knowledge of the truth. Faith without works is dead. Knowledge without works is both dead and quickly forgotten. It changes nothing.
I can know the truth that I have won some money, but unless I claim the prize my life will never change because of that knowledge.
I can know that truth that I am powerless over alcohol and drugs and that my life is unmanageable. But unless I then take the responding action of believing that God is more powerful than the chemicals and can manageable my life and then surrendering my life to Him, without the response and action, then knowledge does me no good. I continued to drink and use and mess up my life in other areas and ways as well.
So what's the big deal? So the need to act is implied, so what? One, my experience is that there have been times when I have had a revelation of truth in my life then sat back and waited to see that knowledge, that truth, change my life, change the way I thought, acted, felt and responded to and about my life. I fell into a trap. I got the knowledge but failed to act because I slipped into the belief that the knowledge of truth would set me free. Two, actually, the idea is not implied, it's stated and we all have just been editing it out.
The truth is that if you're going to quote statements about truth, you really should take the time to make sure you have the quote accurate. The quote I've been referring to is false simply because it stands as a complete statement in the context of knowing the truth setting you free, when it is not that. Taking it out of context changes things. Sometimes it is even quoted as "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." Has more words, must be closer to right. Well, part of the quote previously left out is now there, but I feel this is worse. Now it is no longer just misunderstanding that leads me to believe wrongly that knowledge will set me free. It says unflinchingly that you know the truth and the truth will set you free. Knowledge equals freedom? Hasn't this lie been around since Adam and Eve?
The quote actually reads as follows: Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, [then] are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. John 8:31-32
The semicolon demands that these two sentences go together as a complete thought. And it makes a difference. Generally speaking it means if you are continuing to do as instructed you are disciples (disciplined followers) of the instructor. Then when something is wrong in your life, when you're presented with a choice and you're not sure on your own which way to go, etc. you can look at it with spiritual insight and know the truth that will enable you to act rightly and do the next right thing.
But what happens when I don't have enough truth to effect change? How do I get more truth? Seek and you will find, I believe that with all my heart, but I think there's more to it. In my experience, there are times when I must apply what I have learned already before I can learn or understand anything new. Sometimes I have to act on the little bit of truth that I have before more is revealed, and as long as I wait for all to be revealed before acting I wait without change.
In the paragraph before last I wrote what the entire quote means generally speaking. I did that so I could say what I needed to and keep this as open to all who read it as possible. But even doing that is misquoting and taking out of context. This is not inside any room but my own house, so I will say what I want to say, and if you're offended quit reading. This quote says That if you continue to walk in relationship with the Word of God made flesh, then you are followers of and belong to Him and that relationship will cause you to know the truth about certain things (spiritual matters, situational matters, recovery matters, whatever matters, especially how to react and respond to knowledge matters), and acting on the truth and responding to the call to relationship with God with make us free.
So that's basically my experience, strength and hope on this quote. The truth has to be known before it can be responded to, so knowledge of the truth is important. But if the truth is known but not acted on, the only thing it ever produces is misery, pain and suffering. That's all I got for now.
That the truth shall set us free is seen by many, including at times myself, as some Promise from God, Spiritual Law or FACT, or even as some psycho babble self-improvement mantra tied into knowing yourself. This sentence went through my mind this morning, and the falseness of it just cut me to the quick. So, I meditated on the truth about the statement "The truth shall set you free." And yes, I said falseness, but please bear with me and hear me out before casting stones against my heresy.
The statement as used when quoted as follows, "The Truth shall set you free," is a concept that permeates many of our lives in many ways. It was even quoted in "Star Trek." It's a concept we're familiar with, and I call bullshit. It's not true. For those who are having scriptural issues at the moment, I will address that, but first let me continue with the statement just being wrong.
The truth, in and of itself, can not accomplish anything. It certainly won't set me free. I have said about my relapse that there's nothing worse than having a head full of recovery and a belly full of rum. It's misery, and I imagine a few heads around "the room" nodding in agreement. Why is that feeling so miserable? Because I knew the truth and wasn't free. Because knowing what I needed to do and still not doing it made it feel even worse than just failing to stay sober did.
Truth received, believed, accepted, responded to, and acted upon can effect freedom, but not simply knowledge of the truth. Faith without works is dead. Knowledge without works is both dead and quickly forgotten. It changes nothing.
I can know the truth that I have won some money, but unless I claim the prize my life will never change because of that knowledge.
I can know that truth that I am powerless over alcohol and drugs and that my life is unmanageable. But unless I then take the responding action of believing that God is more powerful than the chemicals and can manageable my life and then surrendering my life to Him, without the response and action, then knowledge does me no good. I continued to drink and use and mess up my life in other areas and ways as well.
So what's the big deal? So the need to act is implied, so what? One, my experience is that there have been times when I have had a revelation of truth in my life then sat back and waited to see that knowledge, that truth, change my life, change the way I thought, acted, felt and responded to and about my life. I fell into a trap. I got the knowledge but failed to act because I slipped into the belief that the knowledge of truth would set me free. Two, actually, the idea is not implied, it's stated and we all have just been editing it out.
The truth is that if you're going to quote statements about truth, you really should take the time to make sure you have the quote accurate. The quote I've been referring to is false simply because it stands as a complete statement in the context of knowing the truth setting you free, when it is not that. Taking it out of context changes things. Sometimes it is even quoted as "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." Has more words, must be closer to right. Well, part of the quote previously left out is now there, but I feel this is worse. Now it is no longer just misunderstanding that leads me to believe wrongly that knowledge will set me free. It says unflinchingly that you know the truth and the truth will set you free. Knowledge equals freedom? Hasn't this lie been around since Adam and Eve?
The quote actually reads as follows: Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, [then] are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. John 8:31-32
The semicolon demands that these two sentences go together as a complete thought. And it makes a difference. Generally speaking it means if you are continuing to do as instructed you are disciples (disciplined followers) of the instructor. Then when something is wrong in your life, when you're presented with a choice and you're not sure on your own which way to go, etc. you can look at it with spiritual insight and know the truth that will enable you to act rightly and do the next right thing.
But what happens when I don't have enough truth to effect change? How do I get more truth? Seek and you will find, I believe that with all my heart, but I think there's more to it. In my experience, there are times when I must apply what I have learned already before I can learn or understand anything new. Sometimes I have to act on the little bit of truth that I have before more is revealed, and as long as I wait for all to be revealed before acting I wait without change.
In the paragraph before last I wrote what the entire quote means generally speaking. I did that so I could say what I needed to and keep this as open to all who read it as possible. But even doing that is misquoting and taking out of context. This is not inside any room but my own house, so I will say what I want to say, and if you're offended quit reading. This quote says That if you continue to walk in relationship with the Word of God made flesh, then you are followers of and belong to Him and that relationship will cause you to know the truth about certain things (spiritual matters, situational matters, recovery matters, whatever matters, especially how to react and respond to knowledge matters), and acting on the truth and responding to the call to relationship with God with make us free.
So that's basically my experience, strength and hope on this quote. The truth has to be known before it can be responded to, so knowledge of the truth is important. But if the truth is known but not acted on, the only thing it ever produces is misery, pain and suffering. That's all I got for now.
Monday, January 31, 2011
In Search Of Rest
I wish I understood what is going on with me right now. The last couple of days has been so wonderful. I have had some amazing and special time spent with Leah that I treasure. It never feels often enough that I have as much time with her two days in a row that I did this past weekend. I felt so close and we shared so much, and yet at the same time it seemed I couldn't get close enough. It filled me with such a feeling of gratitude and awe.
But I didn't rest. I tried. I simply didn't rest. Sleep taunted me like a mirage in the desert. I wanted it, needed it, and sought it, but time after time my approach would cause it to fade away. When finally I found sleep, tortured dreams filled my mind. Strange and bizarre fragments haunt me after waking. Even my body reacted to the onslaught and I feel as though there truly was a physical aspect to the dreams I experienced. I ache. My mind is in a fog.
It scares me. I have experienced periods like this in the past. My solution usually took one or two forms. Either I ceased to sleep for days until I simply could not keep myself from crashing or I used chemicals to knock myself out that also made it where I could not dream, or at least not remember if I did. Today, I know that neither of these avenues will take me where I want and need to go. I can pray. I can make sure that my tenth step is as thorough as possible so that I am at peace when I close my eyes. But there is not much else that I can do. However, I know that that can be enough, for God is able to give rest regardless of the situation and circumstances. But can and will are two different things. So there is one more thing that I can do. I can continue to look honestly at myself and my worries to make sure that I am not avoiding dealing with anything about myself that God would have me deal with and then make sure that I surrender and let go of my past, my present, my future and everything that I can not change. I have to let God have those things. The weight of them is more than I can carry. I am not supposed to carry them anymore anyway. God can carry that weight much easier than I, and I believe that I can cast my cares on Him for He cares for me. I also believe that if I come to Him when I am weary and loaded down that He will give me rest.
I will work on responding to my lack of rest in this way as another chance to do the next right thing. I will also work on coming to this conclusion much earlier in the future, such as when I notice trouble the first night and not on the morning after the second. I know that for me without rest there is no peace. I will pray for rest at night and thank God for it in the morning, whatever little bit He blesses me with, as I prayed for sobriety every morning and thanked Him at night during the early days of white knuckle recovery.
But I didn't rest. I tried. I simply didn't rest. Sleep taunted me like a mirage in the desert. I wanted it, needed it, and sought it, but time after time my approach would cause it to fade away. When finally I found sleep, tortured dreams filled my mind. Strange and bizarre fragments haunt me after waking. Even my body reacted to the onslaught and I feel as though there truly was a physical aspect to the dreams I experienced. I ache. My mind is in a fog.
It scares me. I have experienced periods like this in the past. My solution usually took one or two forms. Either I ceased to sleep for days until I simply could not keep myself from crashing or I used chemicals to knock myself out that also made it where I could not dream, or at least not remember if I did. Today, I know that neither of these avenues will take me where I want and need to go. I can pray. I can make sure that my tenth step is as thorough as possible so that I am at peace when I close my eyes. But there is not much else that I can do. However, I know that that can be enough, for God is able to give rest regardless of the situation and circumstances. But can and will are two different things. So there is one more thing that I can do. I can continue to look honestly at myself and my worries to make sure that I am not avoiding dealing with anything about myself that God would have me deal with and then make sure that I surrender and let go of my past, my present, my future and everything that I can not change. I have to let God have those things. The weight of them is more than I can carry. I am not supposed to carry them anymore anyway. God can carry that weight much easier than I, and I believe that I can cast my cares on Him for He cares for me. I also believe that if I come to Him when I am weary and loaded down that He will give me rest.
I will work on responding to my lack of rest in this way as another chance to do the next right thing. I will also work on coming to this conclusion much earlier in the future, such as when I notice trouble the first night and not on the morning after the second. I know that for me without rest there is no peace. I will pray for rest at night and thank God for it in the morning, whatever little bit He blesses me with, as I prayed for sobriety every morning and thanked Him at night during the early days of white knuckle recovery.
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