Forgiving Relapse

Yesterday morning started so amazingly. During my morning meditation I received a phone call that blessed me beyond measure. The gratitude I felt set my mind in the right direction and focus, and the events and situations of the day followed my mindset. Funny how often that seems to happen. When I start my day focused on the right things and add a healthy dose of gratitude my day goes so much better.

But last night I nearly threw that positive feeling out the window. For a short time I set down my spirit of gratitude and picked up my old bag of guilt. I cradled it to my heart like a long lost friend. Yes, I am still sick.

I went to a time of fellowship with my second family to celebrate with a few of my nearest and dearest who had sobriety birthdays this month. It was a wonderful time, full of encouragement and blessing, right up to the point where I slipped into self-centeredness and self-pity. The self-centeredness began as I lost sight of the simple fact that last night's events were for and about my friends and there accomplishments. It wasn't about me. Yet, I started thinking of myself. This was mistake number one.

It happened so easily I didn't even realize it at first. I started by feeling empathy for someone very special and important to me who I assumed (because I did not ask...mistake number two) had a rough time because this person would have been celebrating a birthday also had a relapse not occurred. I thought, "That has to be hard. I know how [they] feel, because if I hadn't gone back out, I would have two years two months tonight, rather than nine months." That was all it took. That little look at myself and how I would be justified in feeling bad about it was all it took. My mind was off to the races. Self-pity took the lead.

During the fellowship, one of the celebrants who also happens to be one of my dear friends, mentioned that because of everything that had been learned from the experience they were grateful for a previous relapse three years ago. As soon as they said that I had one of my "I want what they have" moments. I want that gratitude and self-forgiveness. But I couldn't have it and carry my guilt bag, and in just a few short moments of self-pity, I became very comfortable with my guilt bag. It felt like the perfect accessory that went with everything.

When I got home, I shared my feelings with my wife. I even mentioned that a small part of me was dreading May, because I didn't feel I had a right to celebrate a sobriety birthday until I reached year two. I have already celebrated a year. After all, you're not supposed to celebrate the same birthday number over and over until you turn 39 right? My wife looked right at me and through me and asked how long I was going to carry that guilt around. I answered honestly that I didn't know. I try not to, but sometime I pick it back up for a while.

She looked at me with love and understanding and said one of the best things about relapse I have ever heard. Shit happens; don't let shit happen again." I laughed, but the truth is that there wasn't anything funny about what she said. Those words were the life changing truth that I needed to hear. The past is gone. If I try to carry it around in my guilt bag, I will only make myself sick. I will eventually damage my program of recovery, nullify the promises that have come true in my life, and make myself vulnerable to yet another relapse. I will have set myself up for shit to happen again. That is definitely not what I want in my life today.

No, I have not reached the place where like my dear friend I can say that I am grateful today for my relapse, but I don't have to wallow in regret or carry a bag full of guilt with me everywhere I go. I am working my program diligently. Through working a 12-step program of recovery and grace from God, I have rebuilt 9 months worth of length on my road to recovery. The truth is that my sobriety at nine months today is much more stable and complete than at nine months the first time. It would seem that I needed to tear that stretch of road up and rebuild so that my early miles could be as strong and secure as possible. I didn't realize it at the time, but I missed something the first time around. What I missed lead to faulty construction further down the road, and at about 15 months a bridge beneath me collapsed.

Today things are better for a few reasons. One, I know that my sobriety is more stable and secure this time around, based on journals from the same time period. I am better able to serve my God, my family, my fellow alcoholics and addicts, and whoever else God directs me to be of service to. Also, I know have experience in another area that I can share with someone else. My mistake doesn't have to be shit stinking up my life. It can be fertilizer that helps others, as well as myself, grow. Also, I set down my guilt bag. God gave me a spiritual fashion lesson. Despite how I felt when I picked it out, guilt bags don't really go with any of the spiritual outfits that God has given me. It doesn't look good, feel good, or even provide a useful function. I know my God, and He has forgiven of much worse than a couple month relapse. It's time for me to forgive myself as well. I know that there will come a time when I truly do not regret this area of my past nor wish to close the door on it.