HALT ~ You're Killing Me

I vividly remember the first time someone told me to watch out for HALT. A woman came up to me after a meeting in which I had spent the time with muscles clinched and hands shaking and said, in true care and concern for my state and well being, that I needed to know and watch out for HALT. She explained that it meant hungry, angry, lonely and tired and that any one of these feelings was dangerous, especially during early sobriety. But if I felt more than one of these at the same time I needed to call someone and or make a meeting right away because I was in serious danger of relapse. At the very least I needed to address the symptoms described and eat, forgive, hang out with another alcoholic and or rest, depending on what I was feeling.

I have a lot of respect for this woman. Few in the program of recovery showed such genuine concern for me and my sobriety early on. She is the one who put the solution in my hands, and I am eternally grateful to her for that. But I can remember her giving me the HALT spill and my thinking, "Lady, you've got to be kidding me. I just got out of prison! I'm always angry. I haven't slept through the night without chemical help in longer than I can remember, and don't get me started on how lonely I feel. If HALT is the solution to my staying sober, I'm doomed. I might as well go get drunk now and get it over with. At least that way my hands will stop shaking."

Thankfully I didn't just go get it over with by getting drunk. I talked to my sponsor a few minutes later and told him that I might as well move into the recovery hall because according to HALT I would always be in immediate danger of relapse. He laughed and told me that if I didn't know that I was in a constant state of near relapse I was deluding myself. I understood what he meant, and he was right. I was white-knuckling  it, bringing every ounce of will power to bear to keep from drinking one minute at a time.I also  knew that, fight as I might, my will power would fail. The only question was how long would I hold out before the inevitable folding of the cards. I needed something that took away my need to drink, my craving for escape.

I stuffed  myself on pizza, but  that didn't help. I found someone to fight the loneliness with, but that didn't work either. The relationships I had when I first came in the program of recovery weren't right, and most times as I smoked my afterglow cigarette I felt more lonely than I had before the hook up. I still didn't have a clue as to how  to breathe without being angry, and I couldn't sleep. I was always tired. And I still wanted to drink and drug. Several relapses and my inability to make it to the one month mark proved to me that all my will power and fight and fear of prison couldn't keep me sober, and my first instinct when I heard HALT remained true. There was no solution there.

I'm sure I have already begun stomping on some toes of my fellows, so let me say for the record that there is obviously some truth in the HALT idea. This slogan comes from therapy and rehab settings where we watch for triggers. Stay away from the things that trigger me to use, and I can stay clean and sober. And for some people this may help, especially early on. I am the first to agree that if I am newly dry and still shaking and sweating it out, sitting in a bar or in a drug den so that I can talk to my buddies is probably a stupid idea. That said, the trigger idea of recovery comes from psychologists who are not alcoholics or addicts and don't really understand us. Unfortunately it has been preached to such an extent that now alcoholics and addicts are parroting the message as though it's part of the solution. Stay away from triggers. Identify and watch out for your triggers.

But the truth is that for the real alcoholic and addict the idea behind triggers is bogus, bogus, bogus. And HALT is just a grouping of triggers common to everyone at some point and time. It is totally run on self will. I must be vigilant about my feelings and situations. If I don't put myself in dangerous places or allow myself to feel dangerous feelings I can keep myself sober. But what does the Big Book say?

 The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure,

have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will

power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at

certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient

force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a

week or a month ago. We are without defense against the

first drink.

~AA Big Book: Page 24

 Once more: the alcoholic at certain times has no

effective mental defense against the first drink. Except

 in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human

being can provide such a defense. His defense

must come from a Higher Power.

~AA Big Book Page 43

At the heart of things, this is a Step One issue. Step one says that I have come to believe that I am powerless over alcohol (and or drugs depending on the program of recovery) and that my life has become unmanageable.  So is this or is this not true for me? Can I control whether or not I drink or use again or do I need God to do that for me? If I am powerless then there will come a time when will power, triggers or lack of them, hungry or full, angry or happy, lonely or not, tired or rested, job or no job, wife or no wife. when good or bad my circumstances won't matter and I will pick up. There is nothing I can do to stop it. It's not a matter of if but when. Moreover, there's nothing a sponsor, an old timer, a family member, a preacher, a cop, judge or boss can do to stop it. It will happen, unless God Himself provides the power that I do not have on my own. And isn't managing my triggers just another way of me trying to manage my life, which I just admitted was unmanageable by me?

Left on my own without relationship with God, I will sooner or later default to the self-centered, selfish, hedonistic, escapist that I always was, and that man is a serious user, both of chemicals and people. There is truth in HALT, but not solution. It is true that when I am hungry, angry, lonely and or tired I am more irritable, among other things. I snap at people more. I have and show less love and tolerance. Why? Because I am focused on me and how I feel. The Big Book says I must be rid of self or else I die. Christ said that he who gives up his life will find life. In order to live and have a life worth living I must die to self.  Surrender to win. Die to live. These are spiritual truths.

The idea of HALT keeps me in self. How do I feel? Emotionally what is my status? Oops, I'm in a state of one or more of the following: hungry, angry, lonely, tired. What can I do for myself to make myself feel these less? Self. Self. I am feeling this. I can do this to fix it. My power. My will. My vigilance. And sooner or later my drunkenness.

The solution is not to be on guard against feelings and situations but rather to get away from selfishness and self-centeredness, to find relationship with the One who has all power, to tap into that power by turning my life and will over to Him, to make myself  of maximum service to Him and my fellow human beings. Serve God, clean house, help others. Do what He wants, for others.

The truth is that sometimes I am hungry and sometimes I am not. If I am spiritually fit being hungry makes me want to eat not drink or drug. If I am not spiritually fit nothing tops of a good meal like a drink. I could not will away my anger any more than I could will away my desire to drink and drug. I worked the steps, and after my fifth step I found that I had forgiven and released much of my anger without even realizing it. But I still have anger from time to time. The way I have to deal with that is spiritual. I have to get closer to God. I have to let Him have my anger and resentments. But I learn to do both of those through the steps. Someone who has not worked the steps and or had a spiritual awakening can not control his anger any more than his drinking. Similarly, the solution to loneliness is found in communion with the Creator. Relationship with God is the only true and lasting cure for loneliness. And God is also our rest.

Simply put, the answer to the HALT dilemma is God. The way to find relationship with God is to acknowledge my need for Him, surrender to Him, admit my part in what has kept me from Him, confess. ask Him to make the changes in me that will remove the distance between Him and me and enable me to serve, make amends to those I have harmed and continue in all these things, seeking to improve the relationship that I found through prayer and meditation, serving others and sharing the spiritual solution to all our problems. Without doing these things, triggers don't matter. I'll make new ones. Without working the steps, HALTed or not I will use eventually. But if I thoroughly follow the path of recovery it won't matter if I get hungry, I will learn to quickly release anger to God, I will find the solution to loneliness in relationship with Him who made me, and I will find rest in the serenity that comes from that relationship.

When the newcomer stands shaking before us, we don't need to tell him to beware of feeling HALT. We need to point him to the permanent solution to all of these. Let's HALT the newcomer by helping, accepting, loving and tolerating them enough to  give them solution that doesn't have anything to do with them and everything to do with the One who has all power. After all, that is how it works.

Rethinking My Stance

I am what is commonly referred to by some, including myself, as a Big Book Thumper. It is my belief and contention that the foundation for true recovery from alcoholism and addiction can be found in the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am not alone in this. Cocaine Anonymous uses, with the permission of AA, the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, as their text and manual for recovery. Other twelve step programs have adapted the book to fit their group or issue. The program as outlined in the first 164 pages of the Big Book works. It has been proven and stands the test of time.

I am also a firm believer in "old time" recovery. What I mean by that is there is a lot of information and ideas about  how to recover from alcoholism and addiction in the rooms today that is not in the Big Book. Some of this information comes from the experience of those who have gone before us. The stories of others, both those written after the 164 pages and those we hear personally in the rooms tell us how others did it, and some of these stories include things that are not in the first 164 pages. Some of this information comes from advances in psychology. A lot more is understood about how and why we behave the way we do and how the mind works today than was known and understood in the 1930s. Some of the information and ideas about how to recover have come from rehabs, especially since the huge increase in treatment centers that happened in the 1980s. Some of what we have learned and has been introduced into the rooms has been good and helpful, and I am not saying it shouldn't be there. But a lot of it doesn't work, or doesn't work for most. Some  of these ideas are downright harmful to the struggle for recovery. The statistics show this clearly. !2-step programs have gone from rarely has anyone failed to recover to, well, what we have today, which is seeing relapses as common and being "grateful for my relapse" is a topic of some meetings.

Now, please don't get me wrong. That last sentence is not to disparage anyone who claims to be grateful for their relapse. I went back out after 15 months, and I am grateful today that I knew what to do to pull out of the downward spiral I put myself into by picking back up. I am grateful that I made it back into the rooms. And I am grateful for the lessons I learned in and from my relapse, especially the complete emphasis of step one...I truly am powerless and no amount of clean time is going to change that. Once I put alcohol or drugs into my system, all bets are off. I can't control my usage and intake, at least not for long. I learned exactly how true that was by going back out, but it's not a method of learning I would recommend as best.

Anyway, to get back on topic, much of this extra information that has made it into the rooms has stuck in the form of slogans and sayings that are easy to remember and, sometimes unfortunately, easier to repeat. When I first entered the program of recovery, I heard these sayings over and over. Some of them made sense and some didn't. Some I thought I understood and realized later meant something different than I first believed from the context I was hearing them. "It's a selfish program," is one such statement, and I wrote about that in the last entry.

And in the last entry I started what I had thought would be a series on bogus statements heard in the rooms of recovery as shown in a graphic that I posted with the entry. The problem is that I leapt to a conclusion. I glanced at the image, and the first square showed a slogan that is actually contrary, out of context - as it stands - and as it is often used, to what the Big Book says. I skipped to the comments and agreed with those defending the idea that such slogans emphasize will power and run contrary to lasting recovery. I wrote an entry about the first square and intended to write one showing the problem with each of the slogans in the graphic. That is why I titled the last entry "Bogus Statement #1." There were to be more, and there still might be.

But when I chose the next square to write about I ran into a problem. The slogan, "Take The Cotton Out Of Your Ears And Put It In Your Mouth" was what I drew. My immediate reaction was, "Wait a minute." I glanced over the graphic again. There were several slogans, including  the one found above that I don't disagree with. I do not believe that what is found in the first 164 pages is the only way for everyone to recover from addiction and alcoholism. The book itself says that it's not. The book also says that more will be revealed, so I also do not believe that understanding about how to recover ended in the 1930s. I am also not arrogant enough to think that I understand everything or something that those before me don't. The problems I have with the slogans that I take issue with do not come as a result of my own analysis. I heard the objections to these ideas from other Big Book thumpers. I did not come up with them on my own, but I have checked the book to see if I agree with their objections. My analysis may not have come up with the objection, but if I repeat it, my analysis has confirmed it.

And I don't review or attack the slogans being used in the rooms to cause division or to disrespect the many who say these things. It is my purpose to fit myself for maximum service to others, especially the alcoholic and addict who still suffers. Ignorance and parroting don't cause me to grow in usefulness. In order for me to increase my ability to help others, I must also increase my knowledge and understanding of the program of recovery as outlined in the book. When it comes to sayings and slogans, my standard has been this: If it's in the book, it's good, but be sure not to take it out of context. If it's not in the book, it might work for some, it might work for me and it might not - be sure to use it in addition not in place of anything found in the steps. If it contradicts the book, throw it out and stop using it.

Not all of the slogans heard in the room are solution based and trustworthy. And for sure, not all of them are dangerous and bad.  Few still are one-size fits all. I want to make sure that in my quest for better understanding I take each slogan individually. Some have been  helpful and some not  so much. Some that helped me may not work  for others and vice versa.

I will never say in a meeting or to someone I am working with that it's a selfish program. But what about the idea of taking the cotton out of my ears and putting it in my mouth? That's different. I reread several chapters in the book, but I haven't been able to find anything to directly support or contradict the idea, so it falls in the second of the qualifiers I listed.

If I can not quote directly from the Big Book to support or dispute an idea, all I can share is my experience, strength and hope on the subject. My experience may not be everyone's. What works or doesn't as an additional part of the program may not be the same for the next person, and I must keep that in mind when speaking in a meeting or working with someone one on one. And personally, I have never had a problem with this idea of being told to listen. How can I learn anything about how others did what they did  if I am too busy talking?

None of the advisers I have had have ever said this to me, but I did have one suggest I listen more. In the beginning I was suffering and sharing a lot on that. Or finding hope in some new revelation, I was sharing that. I laugh now thinking about how much understanding I thought I had at two months. And there's a good chance I will laugh at my level of understanding at 28 months later down the road. More will be revealed. My adviser suggested that if I needed to and if the chair asked for topic ideas, I could mention  something that I would like to understand better - Step four as a topic comes to mind - I could bring it up at the beginning, but otherwise, for a while I might be better off not sharing unless I was called upon or unless everyone else had already shared. I needed to listen in order to learn. This was done as a suggestion, and I broke it a few times with no negative feedback from my adviser. He gave me the suggestion in private and made it very clear that if I needed to share something or had any questions and wasn't called on that  I could talk to him or anyone else I chose to after the meeting. And I learned a lot because I quite whining about how I was feeling and how hard it was for me during this white-knuckle period and started listening to the solution. While  he did not use this slogan with me, what he suggested I do is what I believe to be the heart of what this slogan means - be quiet and listen, you just might learn something.

I have never heard this slogan used in a meeting in a negative way. The only times that I have heard it spoken in a meeting was when someone shared that they were told this by someone else and it helped them. Similar to my sharing how I learned when I followed the advice above. Used in this way, I have no problem with this slogan.  It's a bit of folk wisdom that has slipped into the rooms that can be quite beneficial. To the best of my knowledge it doesn't contradict anything in the book. We are told to share our experience, strength and hope. and until we have some of these we would probably be better off listening to the experience, strength and hope of others than spilling our selfishness into the meeting.

That said, I learned some other ways this slogan is used from others when I began asking about how others in the program of recovery feel about  and have experienced this saying. Like sharing on a story from the book, this is not my experience but rather my opinion about someone else's. I have never seen this saying used this way and can not prove their validity. That said, why bring up anything negative if I have ever seen or heard it used this way? Because I want to encourage myself not to use the saying at times and  in ways and with people that it may be negative or detrimental to. I need to remember that, especially as something that is not directly in the "exactly how we have recovered" that it might not help some.

Some of us spent years stuffing how we feel and what we think, afraid to say anything for fear of rejection. Some have always been so outside that  they never participated in anything. For these it may be better that they learn to speak up and share during a meeting than being quiet. At the very least, all of us but especially those who fit in this group, we need to make sure it is understood that regardless of whether we share in a meeting or not that we can and should talk to each other outside.

Which brings me to the first way I have heard that this has been done in a negative way. I have been told that some have had their sponsors use this slogan during conversations outside the meeting. This is a folksy way of saying shut up and listen. Sure, we've probably all wanted to say this from time to time. I am not saying that this is never appropriate. If I'm taking someone through the steps and I can't get through a sentence without being interrupted or hearing a "but I" it can make me frustrated. I haven't used this saying, but I have said, "Why don't you let me talk without interruption for five minutes and see if I answer your question before you ask. Then if there's something you object to, or that I didn't answer or that you don't understand you can talk about it then?" Which is basically the same thing...shut up for five minutes and listen. It just isn't quite as abrasive. But some of us need hard assed and abrasion. I have heard many speak with affection of their crusty and slightly rude sponsors. I can't do it that way, and I suggest that those who need that find someone who can. But those who are abrasive and blunt in their approach to working with others also need to understand that, just like the sensitive approach, it doesn't work with and for everyone. For someone who needs sensitivity and understanding, telling  them to take the cotton out of the ears and stuff it in their mouth could hurt more than help.

I have also heard of this being said in meetings not as a sharing of someone's experience but rather directed to someone who is sharing "too much" or something off topic or to someone who doesn't have "enough sobriety to share in meetings," whatever that magic amount of sobriety is. I've heard people shouldn't share until they've worked the steps. I've heard wait six months. I've heard wait a year. I disagree, but people feel differently and different groups run their meetings as they see fit. But even if there is some standard with a group not to share before getting some clean time, I personally feel there are better and less humiliating ways to enforce that than to tell someone in the meeting, in front of everyone, to shut up and listen, especially if the slogan is coming not from the chair but from the floor in the way of cross talk.

There are times when hearing a newcomer complain about the struggle to get clean and sober is exactly what I need to remind me of where I was and where I will be again if I fail to maintain and improve my spiritual condition. Sometimes a newcomer who has barely gotten any time clean has more experience, strength and hope that someone even newer can understand than I can express. People who only have a day sober see 28 months as a long-time and may have more trouble believing that I can relate to what they are going through, just like  it's hard for me to believe at times that someone with thirty years can still relate and remember to the struggles of two and a half years. Sometimes an old-timer might have exactly the right words I need to hear that day, but sometimes those words may come from the mouth of someone who isn't even sober. I need to make sure that I am always listening for God to speak to me, however He chooses to do so. In the Old Testament, God spoke through the mouth of an ass, and I have seen for myself that He can still do so today.

There is wisdom behind the saying take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. A closed mouth catches no flies. Most wisdom studies will eventually get around to talking about learning from being silent. I can not and will not dispute the validity of truth behind the idea that there are times that I would be better off to shut up and listen rather than talk...or write for that matter, which is why I prayed, read, and listened to others for several days before I wrote this. But this is not how to get or stay sober. I can listen to the wisdom of others forever and intently, but unless I take the action to do what they did, not listen to what they did, there will come a time when I find myself defenseless against the first drink or drug. This being quiet and listening is definitely important to knowing the solution, but it is not the solution. I need to be sure to relate that bit of information to anyone I work with, and I need to be sure that if I suggest someone listen to the solution rather than sharing their problems that I offer solution when they listen. I need to make sure never to  use this saying, or even a nicer version of it, in such a way as to make someone feel that they have nothing of value to offer me or to act as though there is anyone, clean or not, that I can't learn something from.

Bogus Statement #1 - It's A Selfish Program

I'm hurting today. It started as an off and on pain in my tooth a couple of days ago and has steadily gotten worse. Last night it became nearly unbearable, and this morning is worse. I need to have the tooth pulled, several teeth pulled actually. But I can't have any work done on my teeth right now. I can't afford it. If I do manage to scrape up the money for a doctor, it won't be for my teeth. I need to use doctor money for the problem with my lymph nodes.

It's not the emergency that it feels like. I've experienced this before, and since I don't have the money to have all my teeth pulled and replaced with dentures, it will happen again. It's a sign that I'm getting sick.  I don't really feel it yet, but it's definitely coming. When my sinuses became congested in my head, the pain in what's left of my teeth is the first indicator, even if I can breathe well and my nostrils are clear. But this pain is the worst that it's been in a few years.

So, am I just using my blog as a place to whine about my pain? No, I can't afford to. Self-pity is dangerous. I do have another reason to write. In all truth, this is an attempt to get out of self. I am in a dangerous place at the moment. I am cruising on Recovery Road and a storm just blew in. If I don't pay attention to the change in driving conditions and respond accordingly I am liable to hydroplane and end up in a wreck.

So why am I in danger? What's causing the puddles to form and the water to rise on the road rather than running off? The problem at the moment, what I am having to fight is two-fold. The first is what like I noticed the other day, old resentments that are not as dead as I believed or are trying to resurrect themselves. There are two of these resentments messing with me right now. The first is against myself.

I messed up. Raised with the truth and shown relationship with God in action in the lives of both my parents, I chose to assert my own will and try to live my life my own way. I ran from God. Alcoholism and drug addiction, destruction of relationships and people, and eventually prison resulted from this. God has forgiven me, and most days over the last few years I have forgiven myself. But sometimes I take that forgiveness back and send myself another bill. Taking back my self-forgiveness started at the funeral of my Aunt Earlene. It kills me that I missed the funeral of my Aunt Linda four years ago, because I  had just been released and my parole officer wouldn't let me leave the county to attend. I loved my Aunt Linda deeply, and her love for me was such a blessing. I should have been there during here illness and here funeral. My absence from her side and from the presence of my family was a direct result of my own actions, and sometimes I still want to beat myself up for that. I need once again to let it go.

The other resentment grows stronger as the pain in my mouth increases. What started in one tooth has now spread to most of my teeth and throughout my lower jaw. It is constant, and it carries with it both resentments. The one I've already mentioned because had I not gone to prison, my teeth would not be in the shape that they are. Between the fights and the poor dental care my mouth is a mess. And directly effects the second resentment. I wrote a few days ago that my resentment over the health care system in Texas prisons had reared its ugly head. Teeth pain does that as well. Within the first year of my incarceration Texas cut almost all funding associated with the dental care.

But I know, as I wrote a few days ago in "Ghosts Of Resentments Past," how to handle resentments cropping back up. Now that I am painfully aware of these two, I can take care of them. But the other danger is harder for me to deal with, and that is the pain. as I have written repeatedly, I don't do well with pain. I can take it for a while, but then the temptation comes to find a way, any way, to make it stop. Pain in my teeth  is especially problematic for me. It's one of the few types of physical pain that I can't seem to just power through, endure and or ignore. Pain puts me right back into self, especially this type of pain.

So I need to get out of self. I have spent extra time praying this morning, which is also difficult for me to do when in pain.Going into the presence of God is the best way that I know to get out of self. The second best way is to be of service. I hope that it's not arrogance on my part to think that my blog is an act of service, but since I pray that what I write may help someone before I write any and every entry, I feel it qualifies. And since I have no transportation until my bike is repaired and it hurts to talk right now (making a phone call a bad idea), this entry is what I have to work with at the moment.

But I don't want  to just write about what I am going through right now, the idea is to get out of self, not throw myself deeper in by focusing on the problem. I want to focus on the solution, not the problem.  That is a slogan I hear often in the rooms, and that finally brings me to the topic, the slogans we hear so often in the rooms. I wrapped up my series on the Sermon on the Mount yesterday, and this morning I saw something on Facebook that gave me an idea for another series, something to write about when nothing going on in my life gives me a topic.The administrator of the group that posted it title the post "The BS Bingo Card." It looks like this:

I read the comments posted with the image, and I must admit that I didn't feel much surprise that quite a few people defending these sayings that I've heard many many times in the rooms, often from the mouths of old timers giving them weight to the newcomer. So I decided that my next series, when I am not writing of specific issues that I need to deal with, will be on these slogans. I will pick a different one each time and write about it, and I think it's likely that I might step on some toes in the process. That isn't my intention, but I will not compromise when it comes to sharing the program of recovery. It is my belief that taken out of context and as they are often used, these slogans are dangerous, especially to the newcomer. Since our primary purpose is tied directly to showing other alcoholics and addicts precisely how we have recovered and since for the real addict and alcoholic anything short of recovery leads to death, we should be very careful with we present as recovery.

Many in the rooms, swear by these. As I wrote, it isn't my intention to cause disputes or hurt feelings. If someone reading this disagrees with me, I ask for two things. First, I ask that you hear me out and check what I write against the content of the first 164 pages of the Big Book. If anything I write doesn't stand against those pages, please throw it out and call me on it. I am still learning and don't know everything. And that is the second things I ask. If you disagree, please feel free to comment, either here or where  I post the link to the entries on Facebook. Feel free to disagree with my thoughts and words, but be ready to back up your objection with information directly from the 164, and please attack what I said, not me. Thank you. Now, to get on with this.

Since I am writing today to get out of self, the choice of the first slogan to discuss came easily to me. "It's a selfish program." I've heard it over and over. For that matter, I said it myself early on before I learned better. This is a bogus statement, BS, that, in my opinion is very dangerous to the newcomer.

Albert Einstein said, "We can not solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."  The Big Book has this to say on the subject of selfishness:

"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." Big Book page 62, line 7

"Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of the selfishness. We must, or it kills us!" Big Book page 62, line 19

If Einstein is right in saying we can't solve our problems with the same thinking that caused them and we go by what the book says in the first 164 that selfishness is the problem, then how can recovery from selfishness by being selfish? It's a direct contradiction. We can't rid ourselves of selfishness by acting selfishly!

We are told to ask in inventory "Where have we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" (Big Book page 67 line 17) and "Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?" (Big Book page 69, line 14). We are instructed to subject every relation to the test "was it selfish or not?" Big Book page 69, line 21).

When these facts are taken into account and we know that we are to rid ourselves of and guard ourselves against selfishness in all our relations and situations, how can we say this is a selfish program? It certainly is not. The Big Book upon which the program is founded one main purpose, "To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book," (Big Book page xiii, line 5) by enabling the reader "to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem." (Big Book page 49, line 9)

When these quotes are brought to the attention of those who say the program is selfish, they sometimes point out that Bill Wilson said our own spiritual growth and recovery must come first, before we can help anyone else. And if that is what is meant by being selfish, we should just say that! There is a difference between putting our own program first and selfishness? How so? If we are putting our own book-based program first we are not being selfish. We can't be because our program will not be selfish. It's purpose is to put self to death. 

The first action we take in the steps is to pray the Third Step prayer: "God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will Always!" While we most certainly benefit from recovery, the purpose of recovery is to do God's will and help others. We declare this in the above prayer. In the third step we turn ourselves over to God and ask to be given victory in order to give Him the glory and to be able to help others. There is nothing selfish about this, even though I do benefit. 

Then again in Step Seven we pray: "My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding. Amen." Once again the purpose of my recovery is not to give me the life worth living, a side-effect I am grateful to God for, but to ready me for service to others.

The examples we are given in the first 164 pages do not show founding members of the program delving into their own program or going to meetings to share their issues when the obsession to drink popped up. They looked for another alcoholic. They didn't look for someone who could understand what they were going through and give them a sympathetic ear. They looked for another like them to help, so that in serving and helping someone else, they were given relief from self, and as a by-product of self being silenced the desire to drink was squelched. 

But what's the big deal? If we know that putting our own program first is what is meant by "selfish program," how is saying it that way a problem? Unfortunately, while putting working our own program before helping someone else with theirs (so that we can better help others with theirs) may be what is meant by the old timers saying the program is selfish, I often hear the "selfish" phrase used when someone is considering giving less of themselves to areas of life outside of the rooms. We aren't encouraged to neglect our families, jobs, or other responsibilities in order to devote time to the program and spiritual pursuits. It is plainly written in the Big Book repeatedly that we rejoin society and serve and contribute, not hide away into a 12-step program insulated cave where we selfishly look after our own needs and fulfillment.

Just like everything else in life, it's about balance. I've seen and done it both ways. Some live, breath, sleep and eat the 12 Steps and fellowship so much that their family can't tell a difference from drinking and sober. They're still not available to, for or with anyone outside of the rooms. Then there are times, like now I'm sorry to say, when making a meeting is a rare occurrence, and when a meeting is made arrival is late and departure is early. The flip side of too much, where giving someone a ride or taking someone through the steps or just helping the alcoholic or addict who still suffers is something I don't have time for because I'm too busy with outside relationships and situations. In both extremes we are failing to be of service somewhere we are supposed to be. And to use "It's a selfish program, I have to take care of myself" as an excuse for either of these is a sign that my recovery is not as stable as it needs to be. I must be rid of selfishness or I die. It's that simple.

Healthy boundaries, learning to do what's best for those in my life, both inside and outside the rooms, as well as what is best for me is something I have to learn and put into practice. How can I be of service to my wife and family? How can I be of service to the alcoholic and addict who still suffers? Most of all, how can I be of service to God? What do I need to do for and within me to make that possible and to do it better? That is what the program is about. It is most certainly not a selfish program.

Much More Than Simply A Doxology

This morning I am wrapping up my series of entries on the Sermon on the Mount and the Lord's Prayer. As I have studied this prayer more in depth it has occurred to me that it should be called My Prayer or Our Prayer rather than the Lord's Prayer. This is the Lord's example, His blue print on how to pray much more than it is His prayer. At least one part, "forgive us our debts" was never prayed personally by Him, since He had no sin, He had no debts or trespasses that needed forgiveness until He took my sin and everyone else's upon Himself.

For years I believed in God and lived as though I did not. My first sponsor informed me that this is the practical definition of the term agnostic. I believed there was a God, professed belief in that God, and yet I only surrendered my will, gave up my right to rule the kingdom of my own life, when overcome by emotion and emptiness, when guilt and shame was about to drown me, when I was in trouble or need, or during rare times of honesty when I could admit to myself that I didn't like myself or my life and that my way wasn't working. But these periods never lasted long. I always took control of my will and life back, I always dove back into selfishness and self-centeredness, I always demanded the right to do things my own way and rule my own kingdom. And the result was always destruction.

I never found a relationship with God in a real and personal way that could be maintained, I could never stay clean and sober and walk in recovery while running my own little kingdom. But once I somewhat understood the concept of grace, closely tied with the rooms saying of "progress not perfection," that changed. Before then I would have a moment of revelation that I needed God and could come to God. I would throw myself upon His mercy and declare that I gave all of me, my will and my life, to Him to do as He pleased. But then before long I would mess up. I would do something that I knew was not right, was not God's will. Feeling that failure proved that I hadn't really really surrendered to Christ, I would beat myself up. Realizing that I could not walk with God and live as He would have me live, I would quit trying to, and in an attempt to distract myself from how miserable I felt, I dove head first and full-steam into self-will run riot. I couldn't be good, and if I was doomed to be bad, then I might as well be good at that. The drugs and alcohol helped me, for a while, escape the fear, pain, misery and emptiness of my life.

Trusting and understanding the concept of progress not perfection in a way I couldn't yet understand grace I surrendered once more. When I fell short I no longer felt like I had totally banished God from my kingdom. Instead I realized that I was still a subject in His kingdom, just not a perfect or totally obedient one. At every obstacle and failure I could finally see that there were less of these and those that came were less frequent than before. Progress was being made. More accurately, God made progress in my life. I found recovery, and that recovery become more solid as God's Kingship over my life became more and more established. What little success I have had in recovery is the direct result of God setting up His kingdom in my life and the areas where His will is done more often than my own.

So this last section of the prayer, "For Thine is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever," is personal to me. For me, it's the essence of recovery and survival and not just some nifty way to close the prayer. But what else does it mean?

I know this is going to be long, but I can only get to the destination by the way that I know. In order to really understand that last phrase, I need to go back to another phrase in the prayer, "Thy kingdom come..." We ask for God's kingdom to come, and what I have to remember is that that may not always line up with what I expect or imagine. God's ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. In the rooms I often hear that one of most important lessons those of us in recovery learn is often that there is a God and I am not Him. In essence, this is what Moses heard when God spoke to him on Mt. Sinai. When God said, "I Am who I Am," He was basically telling Moses, "I am God and you are not." It is God's kingdom, not ours.

And what about the word come? Are we really only praying for the rapture and the one time establishment of the Kingdom of Christ on earth? No, the word come doesn't mean a once and for all coming.  It means a revealing or appearing, a process. The kingdom of God is active, present and growing, not static in a holding pattern waiting to be built. Like the love of God, the kingdom of God is ongoing and eternal.

Which brings me to the word I skipped, "kingdom." Jesus spoke of the kingdom of God repeatedly. It was one of the dominant themes of His ministry and teaching. But He never defined it. Instead He described it. He told what the kingdom of God was not to make it clear that it was not what we thought. It is not geography or territory or a form of earthly government. The Kingdom of God is seeing things the way God sees them. According to Jesus, God sees value in broken people and significance in places and events that we often overlook. The Kingdom of God is a reality where love is the only law and rules or controls every thought, action and reaction to the people in and around it. "Let Thy kingdom come" could also be prayed as "let love rule."

As I pray "Thy kingdom come," I am in effect summarizing and praying the third step prayer. I am saying, "Your rule, Your management of my life and the world, not mine." The kingdom of God is in our hearts when we recognize that God knows us (better than we know ourselves) and finds us precious, priceless, and when in response to that love we surrender ourselves to His leadership, direction and care.

Sometimes His kingdom is easier to see in my life than at other times. It's not so hard to imagine God's Kingdom is ruling my life when the sun is shining, the obsession to drink and drug is gone and life feels good. But what about during the dark times when fear assaults the walls of my mind and heart. Is the kingdom of God still standing during those times? Over the last few weeks I have found myself in a motorcycle wreck, facing the very real possibility that I have lymphoma, and having to deal with the loss of a good friend and an aunt. I can say from experience that God's kingdom, presence and direction does come in the darkness, despair and fear.

I can't explain it, but I can describe what I saw yesterday as we celebrated the life of my Aunt Earlene. I saw in my father and in other relatives, especially my cousin Deborah, the power of love and the presence and peace of God. Joy in the midst of mourning. Peace in the storm of sadness. Love in the face of loss. Faith in control where fear once reigned. This is what the kingdom of God is like. This is the evidence of its presence. So now I have a better understanding, or at least a better description, of what the kingdom of God is than I had before. I will return to the phrase that is supposed to be the topic of this writing, "For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever."

I have noticed that often I focus on things that stand out and demand my attention but miss important things that are small, simple, and subtle. Two words in this closing doxology are like that. The first of those words is the word "for." "For" sets the intent of the heart. It is the word that puts in practice or sets into action the faith I am professing throughout the rest of the prayer. It is the word that declares the truth of who we are and who God is. It is the acknowledgement of what I wrote in the first of this entry that there is a God, and I am not Him. We are able to pray the other words of the Lord's Prayer precisely because of the word "for." That little word is a reminder and a declaration that it is God's kingdom (He is in control, not me), God's power (I am powerless but He is greater and has all power), God's glory (I can't take the praise or glory for my success and goodness and sobriety - as I pray in the third step prayer, "God, take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life.) that make faith real and prayer possible.

The second word is "now." The word "now" can be dangerous for me and addicts alcoholics like me. It is an important part of the root of our problem, selfishness. I want what I want, and I want it when? Now. Today it seems like pretty much everyone wants instantaneous everything and in that sense our entire culture seems to be focused on the now, but when it comes to the fulfillment of God's promises, we learn to focus on "later," on "forever," on "eternity," on "beyond what we know and see now." I also saw this yesterday as we celebrated the life of my aunt and took comfort in the assurance that she is present with the Lord in a state that we will only truly and completely understand "someday."

But the prayer ends, "For the kingdom and the power and the glory are Yours, now and forever." God's kingdom is now. God's power is now. God's glory is now. This is why I needed to remind myself and reexamine what the Kingdom of God is. If I simply think it's somewhere up in heaven and that I will see and experience it some glad morning when this life is over then I find myself living as if it is outside of my daily existence. Waiting until I die to experience God's kingdom,  God's power and experiencing God's and giving God glory leaves me with little enjoyment of, eagerness or enthusiasm for, or power and faith for and in the present life.

The kingdom of God is diminished in effect if I do not see and believe that the kingdom is here, all around and in me. The power of God is weakened in my life if I do not understand, accept and trust that His power is as real and near as my heartbeat. And the glory of God is diminished if I don't see and believe His glory is here and direct my own glory and praise to Him. Participation in God's kingdom, power and glory is not a future reward based on good or bad performance on earth. It is a gift of grace and the belief put to action that whenever and however God is present in our life we experience the kingdom, power and the glory. The experience of God in this way takes me into deeper relationship with him. This relationship, made possible by grace through the sacrifice of Christ, is strength and joy and peace that make life worth living, makes recovery possible and gives me a hope for tomorrow and "some glad morning."

Ghosts Of Resentments Past

Last night I cuddled up with my wife, shared some Flower Power hookah with her, and we watched one of my favorite independent films from the late nineties, The Unknown Cyclist. I have wanted to watch the film again for years, but have been unable to find it anywhere. My wonderful wife found it on Youtube for me. I never thought to look there.

The description of the movie simply states that "Bernard Salzmann made his directorial debut with this comedy-drama set in West Hollywood where a wake is held for community center founder Christopher Cavatelli, who leaves behind his lover Doug (Stephen Spinella), his ex-wife Melissa (Lea Thompson), friend Gaetano (Danny Nucci), and his macho heterosexual twin brother Frank Cavatelli (Vincent Spano). After Frank arrives from New York, this offbeat group sets out to distribute Chris' ashes and fulfill his last wish - a five-day, 450-mile charity trip up the California coast on an Aids bike-a-thon." But the description doesn't do the movie justice in my opinion. There is no perfect and good character or evil and bad character. It shows many of the issues around orientation and Aids as they were in the late nineties, and sadly much still the same today. The movie is well written, serious, inspiring, funny and clean. But that's not why I love it.

I love it as much as I do because I thought when I saw it in '98, and still feel, that it shows an awesome, interesting and moving way to have my ashes handled after I'm gone. Yes, I plan to be cremated, and no I don't want that to be any time soon, which is one difference between now and then. I felt fascinated by the idea of splitting my ashes between several special people. In my plans, they would each be instructed to take their portion to a place that was special to them in conjunction with a memory of me and release the ashes there, one last moment between them and me, one on one so to speak.

While I have been wanting to see it again, and looking forward to watching it with Leah, who had never seen it, last night felt harder than I anticipated. The movie always moved  me emotionally, but not like last night. I felt grateful that I could see the film with Leah, that thanks and praise be to God I survived the Bi Wonder days without contracting HIV, grateful that I finally found my perfect partner, my best friend and helpmate, my treasure that I want to grow old with. At the same time I felt sad and afraid that I am facing health issues which have the potential of robbing that last gratitude and dream, sad that if I want something special done with my ashes similar to what I've wanted to do since I saw the movie the first time that I may need to start planning and documenting exactly what I want sooner than expected or desired, and I even felt a little guilty that I haven't done anything with Andrew's ashes.

But I got over the negative aspects fairly quickly. I am trusting God about the health issue, and progress towards treatment is finally being made. I still have more hope that I will be able to grow old with Leah than fear that I won't. And as for guilt about Andrew's ashes, Leah has been sweet and understanding enough to let them sit in a beautiful urn in our living room, but that guilt is simply a result of procrastination. I've felt for a while now that it's time to release them. My home with Leah is ours, and I don't want to share it with the ashes of my ex, and sitting on a shelf is never what Andrew wanted when he left me his ashes anyway. I can take care of that soon.

With those issues contemplated and released, gratitude remained while fear and guilt faded away. I snuggled Leah closer to me and relaxed into the story. But about halfway through I received a text from my mother informing me that, "Your Aunt Earlene is with the Lord." I knew it was coming, but it still hit me hard to hear about the death of my father's sister. She was an amazing lady. She made homemade pretzels with me and my cousins when I was a child, and the first memory I have of catching lightning bugs in a jar was one evening at her house in Mineola. I will miss her.

But being confronted with the issue of death once more while watching a movie about honoring the memory of the loss of someone brought up again the simple fact that I am not ready to say goodbye to my family and friends and not ready for them to have to deal with losing me so soon after getting me back, I don't want the reconciliation between my brother and I to take place over my ashes, and something else nagged at the back of my mind.

This morning I realized what that nagging was. Resentment. Resentment that I believed that I had let go of quite some time ago.I have been blessed in a lot of ways, but specifically lately I have been blessed with the care I have received since the radiologist saw the problems with the lymph nodes in my lungs, even if it hasn't progressed as quickly as I would like. My father-in-law, a doctor, is working to get me admitted to UTMB Gavelston to have a mediastinoscopy done. This is an expensive and somewhat complicated procedure that I can't afford without assistance. I am not looking forward to having someone cut into my chest to remove part or all of the three affected lymph nodes, but it's much better than the alternative. I am grateful that it looks like I will receive treatment and have a good chance to see the dream of growing old with my wife come true.

That said, I am having problems with the idea of trusting my life to UTMB. UTMB has the contract with TDCJ to treat Texas prison inmates. Every infirmary on every Texas unit is run and staffed by UTMB. It won't do me any good to go into more deeply here, so suffice it to say that what I experienced and saw of what passes for medical care on Texas prison units is abysmal and left me with fear and anger towards this organization.

Logically I know that UTMB Galveston is a good hospital with good doctors and is totally separate from the division of UTMB that controls the prison infirmaries. I know that I have been blessed by the opportunity to get treatment there. Emotionally I am mixed up. I know this is due to resentments, and resentments untreated can be most dangerous to my sobriety. I am grateful that my health situation and the other things going on in my life right now have worked together to bring to light this root of resentment that before I was not aware that I had. Now I know what I have to do. I have to look at my part in things. I have to pray for UTMB and the prison doctors and nurses, and I have to forgive them as I would like to be forgiven. Then the ghost of resentments past can disappear into the fog of memory and no longer haunt my emotional castle.

Lead Us Not Into Temptation

"Lord, lead me not into temptation. I can find it on my own."  All joking aside I have always been more inclined to blame myself for feeling tempted and for succumbing to said temptation than to believe God had any part of it. After all I've always heard that God doesn't tempt us, and wouldn't leading someone into temptation be the same as tempting them. It seems like entrapment to me, and I just don't like to have the image of God as a dirty cop in my mind. But in all my musings and whining on the subject of temptation, I have never truly looked at it as a subject to study spiritually. I realize as I write this that the avoidance is probably a result of cowardice.

This morning I woke up, prayed with Leah before she left for work, got the all important kiss from her that I need to tide me over until she returns for lunch, poured myself a cup of coffee and returned to the bedroom to begin my morning prayers and meditation. I spent some extra time in prayer before picking up my spiritual and recovery readings for the day because I am still struggling with the fear issue from time to time as I wade through the mire of finding a doctor that I can dream of affording to do my biopsy. As I finished my reading I also finished my first cup of caffeine. I went to the kitchen and discovered the coffee pot missing. I looked around and didn't see it anywhere. Finally, I looked in the cupboard. There it was. I evidently got my coffee cup this morning, filled it, and then replaced it in the cupboard with the coffee pot instead of putting the pot back on the burner. I don't think I've ever done anything like this sober.

I felt embarrassed. And then the thought came to me, "I'm tempted to just go back to bed." Thinking that word, "temptation," reminded me of where I was on my study of The Sermon On The Mount. So, after my long and boring intro I invite you, dear reader, to join me as I delve into what has always been a little confusing and quite a bit scary..the subject of temptation and the prayer that God lead me not into it.

"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the Evil One" Matthew 6:13. As I did some looking into what others say about this verse, Suggestions that I read about how to apply the text were mainly along the lines of advice about avoiding various temptations, such as installing internet software to block and thereby avoid internet pornography. But I don't think such suggestions fit the subject or are very helpful considering that the text in question is found in a prayer and not an ethical exhortation. It's about asking God not to lead me into temptation, not about how to avoid temptation myself. There are other passages of scripture about fleeing temptation where such suggestions would fit better when looking at how to apply the scripture. Also, I realized that to me many of the "bad things for me" that I do not see these temptations that are often removed simply by staying in conscious contact with God as issue enough to explain why "lead us not into temptation" is the only negative request in the Lord's Prayer.

After doing some research and study, I came to realize that this prayer is not asking God not to tempt me with a drink or drug or someone I find attractive or anything else. By surrendering God's will and guidance I am lead safely through dangerous times and situations, not to something that would bring spiritual death. As I am seeing in my separate study of the book of Acts, we may be lead to places that do not look like the best for us through they eyes of human nature, but the reality is that when God is in control there is something good for us, best for us and good for others in every place and situation God brings us to.

Failure to fulfill God's will, reverting to our old nature, sin, comes from consenting to temptation.  In this prayer I ask God  not to lead me into temptation, meaning "do not allow me to enter" or "do not let me yield to" temptation. God can't be tempted, and He tempts no one. This prayer asks Him to block our way into temptation and to give us the Spirit of discernment.

The Spirit helps us to know the difference between trials or tests, which are needed for spiritual growth, and temptations, which lead to spiritual death. With the help of the Spirit we can see the difference between being tempted, which is not wrong or a result of us being outside of God's will, and consenting to temptation. We realize that some things seem desirable or appear to be the solution to how we are feeling but the result, their fruit, is death. There can be a usefulness to temptation, because the ways we are tempted helped reveal our character defects, the nature of who we are without relationship with God.

"Lead us not into temptation" demands a decision of the heart. "No one can serve two masters" Matthew 6:24. "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit" Galations 5:25 Whenever we are tempted, God will "provide the way of escape, so you may be able to endure it" I Corinthians 10:13. When  we are led by God, completely surrendered to His will for us, we will still face temptation, but instead of being slaves and puppets to our instincts and impulses we find God able to speak to us, to guide us to a way of escape. We can recognize that we are being tempted. We find the grace to pause and wait for guidance. God effectively helps us not to slip, not to enter into whatever temptation we are facing. And when I successfully listen to that still small voice of the Spirit I not only find the escape and freedom from the snare, I grow spiritually.

Jesus overcame His temptations by a prayer, and our victory is also won by prayer. In this petition, Christ unites us to His victory, urges us to listen to the guidance of the Spirit. Jesus prayed to the Father, "Keep them in Your name" in John 17:11. This prayer asks for endurance, for final perseverance that leads to complete victory and the protection of God's presence.

"But deliver us from the Evil One." This last part of the petition is also included in Jesus' priestly prayer found in John 17, where He asked the Father to protect His followers from the Evil One. This evil we pray to be delivered from is not abstract but personal. It refers to Satan, the fallen angel who opposes God. The devil is a liar and father of all lies and is the deceiver of the whole world according to John 8:44 and Revelation 12:9. Through him, sin and death entered the world. By his definitive defeat all creation will be freed from the corruption of sin and death. But through relationship with the Father and the grace provided by the sacrifice of Jesus we can experience this freedom now.

At His death, Jesus won the victory over the "prince of this world," over the Evil One. So we claim our rights as co-heirs with Christ and pray for victory over and deliverance from he who desires to see us fail and to see us separated from conscious contact with our Creator.

In this prayer we ask to be delivered, to be freed, from all evils, past, present and future, caused by the enemy of God. Here we bring all our fear and distress before our Heavenly Father and ask for freedom and endurance in establishing lasting and full relationship with Him. We can be free from the chains of our natural man, of our character defects, and protected from anxiety and worry. When we trust God and live by the principles of this part of the Lord's prayer, where we are led by the Spirit and abiding in the shelter of His wings, we find ourselves protected on all sides from every possibility. We are safe from the attacks and manipulation of the enemy of God as well as safe from our own instincts and impulses gone awry or even the human tendency to see in the world around us a solution outside of God or a substitute for relationship with Him. We are provided deliverance from one through our shared victory with Christ and protection and escape from the other through the blocking guidance of the Spirit.

This part of the Lord's prayer is not suggesting that if we don't ask Him not to God will set up an entrapment sting to see if we're as spiritual as we like to think we are. It is about understanding that in relationship with our Father, who art in heaven, is the key to freedom and escape from anything and everything that would interfere with that relationship, both without and within.