Precious Moments

Fellowship of the soul is the purpose of relationship. I longed for this my entire existence. God blessed me with moments of true connection with others throughout my life where the exploration of spiritual thought, discussing music, art, writing, and sometimes simply the world around me brought moments of connection, revelation of who I was to myself and others, and mutual understanding, but I always managed to destroy this fellowship. I lived my life longing for these moments and doing everything impulse directed me to which would so often make these moments unattainable or would destroy the fragile connection.

Like a little boy mesmerized and exuberant over discovering that in a moment of stillness a beautiful butterfly has landed on his hand, I treasured those moments. Yet, I experienced each one afraid to breathe for fear that if the butterfly truly realized who it was on, where it was, it would fly away. I revealed as much of myself as I dared, but with each revelation came the fear that the other would flee. After a while I could not take the fear. I would drink and use more because of it, which led to destruction in my life that chased others or way. At other times, I would try to preserve the moments and relationships, grabbing wings and putting relationships in a specimen jar. Death most often followed, but even when it didn't damage was done and the magic of the moment I so longed for was destroyed.

Today the chaos of the past within my heart, mind and soul is gone. Thanks to the program of recovery in my life and a relationship with my Creator that I do not deserve I have a stillness in my soul that fills my life with quiet contentment. One day I opened my eyes to discover the butterfly I longed for had landed on my chest. But I don't have to be afraid that I am going to destroy the moment, I don't have to blow on the wings to see how much turbulence there can be before she flies away, and I don't have to kill it in an attempt to preserve it. The changes in me, the spiritual awakening the steps brought me to, enable me to simply lay there and enjoy the gift, to appreciate the fellowship and wonder at the awesomeness of my God who allows me to have these beautiful moments of peace and joy as I simply watch a butterfly on my chest flap her wings to the rhythm of my heart.