No Longer Crawling In The Dark

"Show me what it's for, make me understand it. I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer. Is there something more than what I've been handed? I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer." Crawling In The Dark by Hoobastank

What's the point? What is this life for? Why bother making it through one day of suffering only to discover that the dawn doesn't bring relief but rather more pain? Why spend a life hiding from the light that only seems to make the grotesque picture of life that much harder to take? This is how I felt for so much of my life. This was my existence. But even as I wallowed in my own filth in the darkness I prayed for an answer.

When I stopped screaming long enough to listen, I found my answer. There is a solution after all. And a life worth living is found as Switchfoot says between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be. Progress toward destiny, the journey is the purpose of life, and finding yourself walking the road to Emmaus with perfect companion and having that fellowship truly is the point of it all.

"Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell. Where can you run to escape from yourself? Where ya gonna go? Where ya gonna go? Salvation is here." Dare You To Move by Switchfoot

A Better Way

Sometimes it just feels like there's no way to get everything I need to get done done. There isn't enough time. I don't have the energy or the money or some other necessary element. When I look at all I have to do and how few of the needed resources I have, I become overwhelmed, which causes me to feel like I'm swimming with weight on my back. I am more convinced that I won't make the swim to shore.

One of the things I love about my life today and my relationship with my Higher Power is that I can relax when I feel this way now. When I decide what I want and need to do, when I assign myself the list of tasks, then I am responsible for finding the way to get them done. This is a very scary prospect indeed when my time is so limited, my pocketbook so empty, my energy so used up and spread out over different tasks, etc. But when I am doing what God wants me to do and focusing on doing the next right thing in my path, then I no longer have to be afraid or bear that weight. With everything that God gives me to do, I can trust that He will also give me the resources, both inner and outer, to do the task. I will be given the words to say to those He puts in my path. I will be provided with a way to pay the rent when I am living where He wants me to live. When I know that I am working where He wants me to work, then I can rest assured that I will be able to get to that job, even if it means I will live close enough to walk. When it is God's will for me to go to school, then I know He will provide the resources financially, mentally and time wise to get through it. I will have enough time to handle my responsibilities for everything that He would have me do, from housework, to helping others, to jobs and education, and whatever else.

The key for me to not feel overwhelmed, and to not be overwhelmed, is to let Him guide me so that I know that I am doing His will, to not waste the resources He provides to do His will, and to remember that even if He has given me ten things to do, I can only do one of them at a time. I do not need to look at, worry about, or work on all ten things at once. I do the task in front of me, or the part of it that needs doing now. I do it to the best of my ability. Then I move on to the next thing. When I approach life this way, I no longer feel overwhelmed or feel like I have to manage to come up with the ability and resources, energy, wisdom, etc. to accomplish what I need to. Instead of swimming to shore with a weight on my back, I realize I'm in a boat with a paddle. Sure I still have to do the rowing, but isn't that so much easier? And I don't have to worry about sinking and drowning if I need to take a short breather while in the boat. But resting doesn't happen while swimming under weight. His way is better.

My Life Is Not My Own

"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me ever single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen."

What an amazing thing it is to come to the realization that God wants all of me, good and bad. I do not have to struggle with and defeat the bad on my own. I do not have to carry its weight around because God won't have anything to do with it. I do not have to be afraid that my wretchedness will keep God from my life. He waits for me to turn to Him and say here, you can have this too.

But not only will He take the bad for me, and from me, as I am willing to surrender it, He wants the good as well. The good must be given to Him so that it can be used in the most effective way possible. The good must be given to Him so that the credit can go to the one who truly deserves it, and so that I don't slip back into self centeredness and pride over what I consider my positive traits.

I must not beat myself to a spiritual bloody pulp over the bad and view myself as a monster worse than any could imagine. And I must not praise myself overly much for the good in me and see myself as the saint. I am neither monster nor saint. Humility comes so much more easily when I give it all to Him and allow myself to be guided and used as He sees fit.

The key to my freedom, joy, hope, serenity, and love is in servanthood, and I can not be an effective servant while holding any part of myself back from God. By giving all of myself, the good and the bad, I become pliable and useful to God. Until I truly give God the bad, I can not totally become willing for Him to remove those things from my life. Some of the shortcomings in my character I still enjoy, but by making them no longer mine, gifts to God, I can more readily release them, because they are not mine to hold on to. And I can be of more good to others when I have the understanding that the good no longer belongs to me either and therefore it is up to God when and how and where and for whom it is used. I don't get to pick and choose when, and who, and where I serve. I go and do what I am told, when I am told to do it, and for whom. This may sound like slavery, but it is a choice to be a servant, and I have never felt so free in my life. With this total surrender I have been given more power in my life than I could ever imagine.

This is not something I can do once and never worry about again. I have a tendency to take things back from God. I have to choose to give all of myself repeatedly, every time I realize that I am living as though some of my life is my own to do with as I please. It's not. Today my prayer is that I hold nothing back, and that I always remember that once I have given myself to God, I am His to use as He desires. He can do whatever He wants with the gift. And that includes removing some things from my life that I might have preferred to hold onto for a little while.

Duke

Saturday I attended the funeral of a hopeless drunk who had found the solution and power to stay sober years before I met him. Duke seemed larger than life to me the first time I saw him, the last, and every time in between. Quick to smile and laugh, he was even more quick to help others. I have heard many times within the rooms that service to others is of vital importance to sobriety. So many people have said if you're trapped in your own fears and pain, find someone else to help. To be honest, I don't remember Duke saying these things much. What I saw though sent a stronger message than words ever could. He never stopped helping others. When so many that I felt I could relate to in the rooms were looking at me and saying he'll never make it Duke told me I could and showed me how. When I slipped he spoke of the year it took him to attain a month of continuous sobriety, which made his two decades without a drink all the more awe inspiring to me.

At his funeral, the movie It's A Wonderful Life was misquoted, and the man said Duke was the richest man in town. This, the man said, was a fitting thing to say, because Duke was the closest thing to a George Bailey that he had ever seen. Duke was a man who lived a life of service and was happier for it, who had so many friends from so many different walks and stations of life, who helped more people than he could've have possibly been aware of. His life made a huge difference. I would like to be around for quite some time (a feeling I am still just beginning to get used to) but when I die, I can think of no better eulogy than that. To have it truly be said that I lived a life of service, was happier for it, and helped many. And the thought occurs to me that if I want what Duke had, even in death, I should do what he did.

Precious Moments

Fellowship of the soul is the purpose of relationship. I longed for this my entire existence. God blessed me with moments of true connection with others throughout my life where the exploration of spiritual thought, discussing music, art, writing, and sometimes simply the world around me brought moments of connection, revelation of who I was to myself and others, and mutual understanding, but I always managed to destroy this fellowship. I lived my life longing for these moments and doing everything impulse directed me to which would so often make these moments unattainable or would destroy the fragile connection.

Like a little boy mesmerized and exuberant over discovering that in a moment of stillness a beautiful butterfly has landed on his hand, I treasured those moments. Yet, I experienced each one afraid to breathe for fear that if the butterfly truly realized who it was on, where it was, it would fly away. I revealed as much of myself as I dared, but with each revelation came the fear that the other would flee. After a while I could not take the fear. I would drink and use more because of it, which led to destruction in my life that chased others or way. At other times, I would try to preserve the moments and relationships, grabbing wings and putting relationships in a specimen jar. Death most often followed, but even when it didn't damage was done and the magic of the moment I so longed for was destroyed.

Today the chaos of the past within my heart, mind and soul is gone. Thanks to the program of recovery in my life and a relationship with my Creator that I do not deserve I have a stillness in my soul that fills my life with quiet contentment. One day I opened my eyes to discover the butterfly I longed for had landed on my chest. But I don't have to be afraid that I am going to destroy the moment, I don't have to blow on the wings to see how much turbulence there can be before she flies away, and I don't have to kill it in an attempt to preserve it. The changes in me, the spiritual awakening the steps brought me to, enable me to simply lay there and enjoy the gift, to appreciate the fellowship and wonder at the awesomeness of my God who allows me to have these beautiful moments of peace and joy as I simply watch a butterfly on my chest flap her wings to the rhythm of my heart.

There Is Always Action Required

I am not a wildflower which can do nothing and receive all the blessings coming my way. Even though my Creator cares for me and loves me even more than the wildflower that is also cared for there is more required of me than of the simple flower. Action is always required on my part to receive even the gifts freely given of God.

If my father hands me a present for my birthday, that is a gift freely given out of his love for me. I did nothing to deserve or earn it other than be born and staying alive long enough to reach whatever annual marker we are celebrating, and since I had nothing to do with my being born and actively took part in activities that should have shortened my life making it a miracle of God that I reached my current age, both of these prerequisites are not something I have done, can take credit for, or had any control over. Yet to receive the gift I must take action, even though that action has nothing to do with earning or deserving the gift.

To continue with the birthday gift analogy, the first thing I must do is show up somewhere where I can see mmy father, or at the very least where he can leave the present for me. In order to receive the gifts from my Spiritual Father I must place myself in position where there can be an encounter between us. Then, back to the earthly present, I must take the present from my father's hands or pick it up from where he has lain it. Even if he were to toss it to me, I must catch it. At no time will the gift magically appear in my grasp. I must take it and hold it. I must do something. The same once again is true spiritually. In order to accept the gifts and blessings from my Spiritual Father, I must be willing to reach out to receive them. He will not force them on me. Finally, with the earthly present I must open the packaging and take out the gift for me to truly posses it. Spiritually, I must take the gifts and blessings into my life and realize that I have them in order for it to make any difference in my life that I do.

But there is even more action required of me once I take the actions required to receive my gifts and blessings. Receiving them is not the end of the story. If my father gives me something, I have to use it if it is to mean anything. I can not show gratitude and appreciation for his gift, his care for me, and his love for me by sticking it in storage and forgetting it exists until I am doing inventory. If the item is something to be used, worn, consumed, etc., then I need to use it, wear it, consume it, or take whatever other action necessary to utilize it. Then it can do me some good, it can add something to my life, and my father can see and knnow that I value what he has given me. Spiritually, this holds true as well. My Creator has given me gifts and blessings over and beyond anything I could ever deserve or earn. But they add nothing to my life and are esteemed of no value if I do not use them. I must use them, consume them, wear them, love them, care for them, etc. in order to have them truly bless me. I must show my gratitude for them in order to express my understanding of their value. I can not simply allow them to be with no action taken on my part or they will be like the gift placed in a storage shed, unavailable when most needed rather than ready at hand.

I pray today that I have eyes to see the many gifts and blessings that are in my life, that I do nothing that would take me out of position for a personal encounter with my God so that I can receive what He wants to give me today, that I taste of what He gives me that my life may be richer for it, and that I show my gratitude above all else so that the gift be appraised with the highest value it deserves by myself and those who see it.

No Merit From Who I Am

"My sobriety depends on who God is, not who I am." Duane M.

It is so important for me to remember today that while I am doing the work I have been assigned to do, it is but a small portion of the task. I work the steps and position myself where God can do the rest. I spend time in prayer and meditation like a car spends time in a body shop. I go in so that I can come out restored, but my Creator, the Great Mechanic, does the restoration not I. I can not try to take credit for miracles. I must not seek praise for another artist's work, and I can not allow myself to take on more than my job assignment. I have to do my part to stay in conscious contact with my higher power. Other than doing those things that accomplish that, I have no other duties. There is nothing I can do above and beyond to cause my spirit to grow faster than God is making me grow, and there are no deeds that I must do to earn His continued participation in my life restoration project. His willingness and ability to heal and restore me and to have relationship with me is entirely because of who He is. It has nothing to do with who I am or what I have done, am doing or will do, good or bad.

The fruits of a spiritual life

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."
Confucius

I know, Confucius did not write those words. The above is from the Bible, Galatians 5:22 and 23 to be precise. I mislabeled the quote to demonstrate a point for those who might reject the words due to their feeling about the source. My point is that truth is truth. It doesn't matter if Confucius or Christ or Paul or some drunk in Akron, Ohio speaks or writes it. Truth is truth and will stand up to examination. No matter how one looks at it or discusses it, two plus two is always going to equal four. I personally believe that the quotation from Galatians is just as true as the math statement.

ὁ καρπὸς τοῦ πνεύματος, Greek words meaning the fruit of the Spirit, tells me a few things right from the start. First, I'm dealing with something that is not tied into my works, efforts, performance, etc. It comes out of Spiritual growth only. I believe this is why the word fruits is used rather than results. If I, as a human being, in my own effort and craftsmanship, build or manufacture something, I have produced that thing. Whatever is there when I am done is the result of my labor. But fruit is another matter entirely. I can not build it or manufacture it, and it is not the result of my labor. Surely in order to produce fruit, there is labor involved. The person desiring a particular fruit in particular quantities must plant seeds or saplings, they must then tend to and care for the trees or vines to protect them from pests and disease, they must see to it that the soil is fertilized and moist enough for growth, etc. But the tree that is planted produces the fruit, not the farmer. It is truly out of the farmer's control, and if the tree is healthy and not torn out of the ground, even unattended, it can produce fruit long after the farmer has gone. Fruit is the result of growth. No matter how much effort is put into it, if the tree does not grow, there will be no fruit. On the other side of that is the simple fact that if conditions are right, once the seed is planted, with no outside effort from anyone, a tree can grow and produce fruit. Spiritual fruit is the result of spiritual growth, not the result of my being determined or good or following any rules. If I bathe myself in the sunlight of the Spirit, seek closer relationship with my Creator, and allow my Higher Power to remove those things that hinder that relationship, I will grow and produce the spiritual fruit.

So what about this fruit? The first is ἀγάπη or love. ἀγάπη is not agape or the pure love of God, and it is not denoting a sensual or passionate love either. This is the love as in treasured or prized, it is the deep, quiet, appropriating, natural love, as distinguished from that which is produced by circumstances, emotions, or lust. A father loves his child, a composer loves his music, a child loves her cat, for a relationship to work spouses must love each other in ways other than romantic and sensual. It is simply to value highly and treat that which is loved as such. We are to love each other, and if we are growing spiritually the first fruit that will be produced in our lives is love for ourselves and others. We will begin to value ourselves and those around us.

Next comes χαρά or joy. Joy is not happiness as much as it is the inward peace and satisfaction that is not effected by or dependent upon circumstances. Joy enables me to take pleasure from my day and life even when my circumstances may not warrant happiness. Joy can produce happiness and laughter, but happiness and laughter can not bring about joy. Joy in this sense is the result of spiritual growth, of understanding I am loved and accepted by my Creator.

Out of this love and joy comes εἰρήνη, peace or serenity. This peace passes all understanding of the human mind because it is not dependent upon everything being calm or everyone treating me well. It is, as I have seen on a T-shirt, not the absence of the storm but a quiet calmness and assurance in the midst of it. It comes from no longer being at war with ones own conscience.

With the first three fruits growing in my life, I can now be μακροθυμία, patient or longsuffering. I find I have something within me now that can continue on without giving up, without quitting. Patience is not waiting for something to happen as much as being strengthened by the Spirit so that we can be slow to anger, ready to forgive harms done against us, put up with affronts, and bear with, and forbear one another.If I have the fruit of patience in my life it will be accompanied with gentleness, humanity, affability, courteousness, shown in words, gestures, and actions.

χρηστότης, gentleness, and χρηστότης, goodness towards others. This is love in action. It is being kind towards, in harmony with, and advocating for our fellow man. It is being gentle or caring rather then judgementle and critical towards others. It is practicing tolerance and acceptance.

Through spiritual growth I also produce Πιστις, or faith as in loyalty or fidelity. This is the fruit that makes me dependable in a way that I could never be before on my own, it is being quick or timely in the performing of promises, it is doing the job I am hired to do with the best of my ability and concentration, doing what I say I will do and caring for what I say I will care for.

The next fruit of the spirit is πραΰ̀της or meekness. Meekness does not mean weakness. Meekness is the the right use of power and authority under control. Meekness is humility in the sense of having an accurate estimation of ones self. It is to neither think to highly or to lowly of myself, and when I find myself in a higher standing than another to not act prideful or abusive in that position.

ἐγκράτεια, temperance, is the next fruit and means simply self-control. I rarely had self-control before. If I thought it, I most likely did it or said it and the consequences be damned. Temperance is the evidence of balance in my life and the fruit which enables me to be slow to react to things but instead to pause and ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. It is practicing moderation rather than the extremes of full throttle ahead or all stop.

Against such things, living this way and having everything I do taste of one or more of these fruits, there is no law. No one can have anything valid to use against me, I am not constantly at fault in some way, within these perimeters I have the perfect freedom to do and live as I choose.

It took quite a lot to get to this point, but once I studied on and saw these things I began to understand the truth of Galatians 5:22-23. By working the steps and finding relationship with God, I instigated and cared for spiritual growth in my life. But I did not do the real work. God did. My creator took my willingness and surrender and made me to grow spiritually. I can evaluate my current state of growth by the product, the fruit in my everyday life. I can see that I am spiritually fit when my life is full of love for myself and others, joy, serenity,steadfastness and tolerance, kindness, faithfulness, humility, and balance. And if I want more of these things in my life so that I can have a life worth living, I must plant the right seeds. I have to continually work the steps and surrender to God so that I can continue to grow spiritually.

I have seen this come true in my own life. I have seen it over and over in the lives of others in and out of the rooms. Like any true addict, I want more of such a good thing and more and more. I am so grateful for the gift of a program that shows me step by step how to have this.

One Day At A Time

I have a feeling that I might upset a few people with what I have to say today, so I somewhat apologize beforehand. I say somewhat because I believe what I am about to write is the truth, and I have no apologies for speaking and writing truth nor for having the courage to say that which I believe. I apologize to anyone who may read this and feel like it is an attack on their beliefs and therefore them. What makes me project that possibility is it is indeed a statement against the belief, but in no way am I attacking anyone who believes it or who has said it around me. So, if you feel that this is a personal attack, call your spiritual adviser.

What on earth am I going on about? Quite simply the common recovery phrase One Day At A Time. This is a very true and legitimate concept that most assuredly has its place in recovery. But I cringe today when I hear those words come out of the mouth of someone who has worked the steps. Why? Simply put, I feel that the way the phrase is most often used today is bogus. And I also feel that the way it is used can do serious damage to others.

When I first walked into the rooms of recovery and began working the program I found there, I did indeed have to live as this phrase has been used around me, in the very way that bothers me today. In order to do this thing called recovery, I had to live and simply not drink or use one day at a time. In the interest of rigorous honesty, I couldn't even do that. My numerous restarts at the beginning (also known as relapses) testify to this. In fact, I state emphatically that if I could stay clean and sober one day at a time without working the steps, I would have no need for the program of recovery anyway. But I did it a short while, one day at a time, one hour, Sometimes even minute to minute. This gave me enough time clean on will power alone to work the steps and find some relief, for the promises to start coming true and the obsession to be lifted from me.

For months after the obsession was lifted, I no longer had to stay sober one day at a time, at least not in the sense of "I just have to make it without drinking and using today. I just have to do this one day at a time." The obsession had been removed. I no longer woke thinking about my addictions. I didn't go to sleep with the beast on my mind. I didn't have to avoid triggers or places or people or situations. I had found freedom and had been given power to go anywhere and do anything I needed to do without fear that I might be tempted to use or drink at any moment.

A little over a year later my program began to falter. I ignored the signs and pressed on. The obsession returned. I reacted to this with shame and fear that kept me from sharing what I needed to with another, from talking to my spiritual adviser. I reacted with determination, as though my will was ever strong enough to help me do the right thing for very long. And I failed. The truth is that when the obsession returned I began staying sober and clean one day at a time again. Day after day I just made it through that day. Yes, this way of living and thinking got me a couple more months clean time before the mighty fall, and would have been a saving factor had I heeded the many warnings in my life and started working my program correctly again. But I didn't. I kept plugging away one day at a time. I relapsed long before I ever put a drink or a chemical in my body.

I hope that those reading this are now thinking something along the lines of that's not what one day at a time means. I hope this because those who feel like I used the phrase wrongly are absolutely right! But that is the way I saw it and heard it used over and over again in the rooms of recovery. I'm just staying sober one day at a time. Balderdash. That isn't recovery. That is survival. Of course we can only do anything one day at a time. I only stayed drunk one day at a time. As Einstein said, we all reach the future at a rate of 60 minutes per hour. It's perspective and attitude I speak of here.

This phrase has been taken too much out of context in recovery. The first sentence of the Big Book follows: "WE, OF [the program], are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body." The key words above are "have recovered." The words are not are struggling with, are fighting to stay sober, or who are staying sober one day at a time. They, the originators, recovered, and so have countless others who have followed in their footsteps. They did not claim to have found a way to live with their sickness without ill effects one day at a time. Like a cancer patient in remission they claimed to have beaten the disease and to be free of it. That didn't mean that it might not return one day, as cancer all too often does, but in the meantime, they are not hopelessly sick. It is possible to recover. I repeat. It is possible to recover, to be well. This is our great fact as it states on the last page of the book I quoted earlier.

One day at a time is a slogan that simply reminds us to live in today, in the now. We only exist in the joys and problems of the moment. We don't forget the past, don't shut the door on it, but we can't live in it either. We are only given one day, this day. We can not stay sober and clean and live a live of serenity, joy and hope while being consumed by worries about tomorrow. I have heard it said that someone lived through countless times of devastation and horror, most of which never occurred. Projection into the future is counteractive to serenity and a pointless waste of energy and time. I can only live a life worth living in the present. This and this alone is what was originally intended by the phrase one day at a time. It is, in my opinion the only way I can use it while being recovered. I am not fighting cancer if it is in remission. I am not battling the obsession to drink and use one day at a time if I have recovered. Thoughts of sickness may return to the cancer patient in remission. And thoughts of using may occur to the addict who has recovered. But if the obsession is gone, so is the cancer of the soul that kills us. If the obsession returns and we have not used, then we are in recovery, like the cancer patient who beat cancer only to have it return later, and fighting toward being recovered once again by working the steps or heading for relapse and destruction by not doing so. I do not have any desire to be in recovery any longer. I wish to join the ranks of the recovered mentioned in the book that outlines the precise way to reach that state. I can do this by following the suggestions of those who have done it, by doing what they did, by working the steps, not by staying clean one day at a time. This is my opinion, my experience, my strength, and without a doubt, my hope.

Love doesn’t make the world go around. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
---Franklin Jones

I used to believe and insist that I knew how to love. I have always fallen in love hard, deep and fast. And while I know that those feelings were real, it is obvious from the inventories that I have done that there is a huge difference from being in love and loving well. It is also a glaring fact that I never loved well. I could not love myself, and as a result I could not love others well, I could not love life, and I could not love the God I claimed to believe in.

Through taking the steps of recovery, I discovered the treasure of loving myself. I discovered the amazing revelation that my Creator truly loves, accepts and values me. With this truth burning in my soul I found healing. I discovered my own self-worth that was not pumped up emotions from positive self-esteem mantras but rather an understanding of the truth of my positive and negative aspects. I do have value, and knowing I have value to God I can love myself. I can treat myself as though I have value to my Creator. It is no longer acceptable for me to use and abuse myself as though it doesn't matter if I hurt myself, if I plant the seeds of destruction in my life, or if I even cause my life to become forfeit.

Through learning to love myself I can now finally understand what it means to love others. To love others, I must treat the people I encounter, whether daily or once, as valued treasures of God. For if it is true that my Creator loves and values me, a man who has done so very little to deserve such love and has done so much to deserve rejection, then He also loves and values those I meet just as well. Through acts of tolerance, kindness and service I express love for others, and in return I find the joy, peace and hope in my life grow more and more. I find serenity. Through loving God the best I can, understanding and treating myself and others with kindness and value, I found a life worth living. I discovered the awesome feeling of loving life. I am no longer just trying to stop the pain, to find escape, relief, and pleasure until I am released from this plane of existence. I am enjoying and contributing to the beauty, love, joy and life with which the Creator blessed the inhabitants of this floating rock. What a turn around, what a better, easier and softer way of going through time.

Time to Feed the Tree of Life

Among my most prized possessions are words that I have never spoken.
Orson Scott Card

I thought along these lines this morning after my meditation for a couple of reasons. First, it has been too long since I have created anything that I feel has any value to myself. The other reason is I fear I have begun to atrophy. I allowed myself to be caught up in the chaos of my circumstances, stopped living, and slipped into survival mode. I can not allow this. It is too dangerous to my life, my recovery, and to my chances of keeping in my life what I hold dearest to me.

There is a moment, a few seconds that feel like an eternity, after one has the breath knocked out of them where the base mind is unable to comprehend why the body can not take in air. At this moment a question is birthed, "Will I ever breathe again or am I dying." Knowledge and experience come into play and the higher mind says to the base mind, "Don't panic. I've only had the wind knocked out of me. Breath will come." Understanding leads to relaxation, which in turn leads to the lungs expanding on autopilot and air once more entering the body.

Life happens. Sometimes it knocks the wind out of me. I get caught up in those moments and forget how to breathe. I forget the inspiration of life around me, of life in me, and I start struggling with survival. I quit taking the time to write. I stop searching for the truth, beauty and spirit that inspires me. I cease to create, and the images inn my mind dry up before I see the resulting drought in my artistic output. I tell myself I don't feel any particular need to shoot today or to work on a new piece. I tell myself I am too busy. I tell myself I have other more important, more pressing matters to attend to.

What I do not tell myself, what I dare not admit is that I am afraid. I do not admit that I have allowed that muscle to fall asleep and become comfortably numb from the lack of circulation, because I understand on some level that when circulation to a muscle stops long enough, the muscle begins to die. I begin to feel afraid that I have lost the gift that makes me feel so alive.

Once fear is planted in one area of my life, if not quickly pulled up by its root, it spreads like weeds across the fields of my life. I suddenly find myself afraid in so many other areas of my life. Like a toxin destroying my nervous system, fear paralyzes me. I fear not finding work and being unable to meet my responsibilities and care for my family. Yet there is no action because the fear of failure has spread to this area as well and the applications are not submitted. But where does this fear stem from? Where is its root? It is in the fear that I am a fraud. That I am no true artist. That I have only lucked into a few decent images and accidently strung a few words together in a pleasing manner in the past and when my luck runs out, if it has not already, I will no longer be able to produce anything of truth, of beauty, of spirit.

The longer I go without feeding my spirit through the act of creation the weaker I become. As my soul starves to death, as I crave sustenance more and more, I realize that I have become almost too weak to consume what is present all around me. I did not see a beautiful moth on textured wall yesterday while leaning almost on top of it. Another artist had to point it out. I failed to see. I can't help but wonder how much other beauty I have missed lately. Fear gripped my soul. I felt as I imagine would a starving man at a banquet table surrounded by food and dyinng because he is too weakened by hunger to feed himself.

But finding myself in such a state is certainly not the start of the problem. One does not become so weak from starvation from missing one meal, and an artist does not become blind to the beauty around him or the images within his imagination overnight. I searched it out, and found the root of fear had grown into a tree over the past few weeks. At first I saw only the branches and leaves that block my view, but as I shared my revelation that there is such a tree in my life with another last night, I became less afraid of it. I traced the trunk down and saw my fear that I would lose her. The fear that birthed the canopy of financial insecurity had come from the fear of finding myself a failure and alone again. But that trunk grew from something else. A root of fear that dug deep under the surface of my soul before I knew it was there. I have not written. I have not shot anything to speak of since my lens was trashed, I have not delved the depths of my imagination and brought forth any treasured images in so long that my creative spirit has withered. A withered state is a sickness that causes a plant to fail to grow, to fail to produce fruit, to fail to do the very things that will heal itself and stop the withering. My soul has experienced this. And in my subconscious understanding that my soul is withering I saw death, became afraid and closed my eyes.

But closing my eyes, is the last thing I should do to reverse the trend. I must open them. I must spend more time, not less, gazing with my soul upon the nature of my God and upon the beauty He has created and allowed me to see. I must face my fear of being unable to create rather than ignoring it or running from it. Today I have already tried to trim the branches of fear in my life and poison the root. I spent an hour or so in meditation. Time with God is an excellent elixir for the all that ails. I sat down with no idea of what to say or if the words would come and began to write. I imagined several new art pieces and determined to look for images to shoot today. I will fire off at least one frame, even if I feel and fear the image will be worthless. I will Give God the opportunity to bless me and meet my needs by placing at least one application for employment. I will trust God to protect me from the pain and fear that comes from rejection should I not be hired. I will spend time with the one God has given me and enjoy the wonders of our relationship instead of fearing it will end. I will create.

And hopefully by doing these things I will see the tree of fear that is blocking the sunlight of the spirit from warming and nurturing my soul begin to wither and die. I will find the tree of life within me begin to grow green again and produce its fruit of joy, hope and love. I will cease surviving and live once more.

Fear

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7 For so much of my life, fear ruled and controlled my every action and reaction. Many of my worst mistakes came from trying to hide this fear. See, I’m not afraid. If I was, would I do this? Most of the rest of my pain came from attempting to cover or kill the fear that haunted my every moment. Then, in a continuing downward spiral, I tried to numb or obliterate the pain that came from trying to mask my fears. Today, I don’t have to be controlled by fear. I do not have to try to hide from it, mask it or numb it. I can say, I am afraid, yet I will trust in the protection and care of my Higher Power. And when I do this, I find my fear is lessoned. I find peace in the midst of situations that once would have terrified me. Circumstances that would have sent me scurrying into escape mode or caused me to gear up to fight now just serve as an indicator that I need to wrap myself in the safety of my relationship with God. It does not remove all my fear, but it does remove my need to respond to my fear. When my relationship with God is where it needs to be at the time, fear no longer rules me, even when it is present, and then I am able to love myself and others, I can think and make wise decisions with soundness of mind, and I have the power to continue clean and sober and free from the obsession of drink and drug. On my own I am a fearful man who is powerless. But the gift of God in my life today, as a result of working the steps and finding relationship, is indeed power, love and a sound mind.