I got up this morning and began gathering my things for morning meditation. My cell phone caught my attention as I picked up my “Big Book.” I checked it to see if anyone had tried to call or text me during the night. My purple razor showed one text and one missed call. The text made me reflect on the good things of life as I read an update on a friend of mine’s progress toward delivery of her baby, very slow progress, The missed call and resulting voice mail came from a bill collector.
I instantly thought this is seriously not how I want to start my day. I have no money to send these people, and I have no idea how to change that any time in the next few days. Worry, no outright fear and frustration filled my mind for a moment. I almost became angry that I had to have this reminder of my financial shortcomings first thing upon waking.
But then I took a deep breath and said a short prayer. I didn’t pray for money; I prayed for peace. I remembered that my walking into the room was not my first thing for the day. My first thing of the day was to wake refreshed and loved exactly where I wanted to be with a bed to sleep on, a roof over my head, love in my life, and coffee waiting to be brewed. I began to give thanks and express my gratitude to God for the blessings in my life. My fear eased a little, and peace slowly eased in and out of my soul like a slowly rising tide makes its way up a sandy beach.
I told myself I can not do anything about this positive or negative at this moment so I need to focus on the next right thing in front of me, my morning time with God. But my Higher Power can take it when I come to Him and say, Father, Creator, I am afraid and don’t know what to do. I remember growing up and watching my father work himself away at multiple jobs to keep our rent and bills paid and food on the table. Through the combination of hard work and the provision of God, we never got evicted, I don’t remember the lights not coming on when I flicked the switch on the wall as a child, I never went without dinner due to finances. And I remember my father never seemed afraid or worried, in fact, he was the calm assurance that kept the hounding fear from consuming my mother. But I am so much like her, and I remember wondering why he wasn’t afraid. I wonder that same thing now. How did my father stay so assured that things would be ok? I just don’t feel it.
I can’t fix this. I can not do anything to improve my financial situation unless God opens a door for me to do so. I am being as careful with my money as I can and have been fairly efficient at stretching the little take home pay I have been making lately. But it’s not enough. So since this is something I can not change or fix myself, I need to accept the situation as it is and also accept that my needs will be met. I may not have everything I want, but as long as I surrender my will to His, do the next right thing to the best of my ability, and work hard when the opportunity arises, my needs will be met. Deep breath. Slow exhale. Surrender. Give it to God.
A memory comes. How many times have I read the reminder that God clothes the flowers of the field and feeds the birds and will also care for my needs the same way if I don’t get in the way trying to control things I can’t control or force a change before I know exactly what route to take and when to make the turn? A song plays on the jukebox of my mind about God providing for all my needs according to His riches and power and for His glory, not according to mine or so that I should receive any praise or credit.
My financial situation is the result of my actions, and my inability or improve my situation is a direct result of wreckage from a past I must accept full responsibility for. But God makes miracles happen. My wreckage is not bigger than He is. If God can help me clean and sober, He can help me do anything He needs me to, because changing me into a man who does not first seek escape through chemistry when attacked by fear is a huge miracle.
It does me no good to get angry at myself for throwing away as much as I have in the past, no point in getting angry at God for not doing things the way I want as quickly as I want so that I don’t have to develop and work on my faith. If it came at the blink of an eye or scratch of a lottery ticket, would I learn as well what my father knew…..that I can trust God?
Probably not. Abraham Lincoln said, “ I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had absolutely no other place to go.” This is where I find myself this morning. On my knees, figuratively speaking since my knee hurts, saying I can’t improve or handle this situation, it’s yours God, take it and help me not to take it back.
Smith Wigglesworth said, “I can get more out of God by believing in Him one minute than by shouting at Him all night.” My God can handle it if I need to shout. I’m not afraid of hurting His feelings or making Him reject me because I didn’t follow some sort of protocol. But that said, there is much more power and peace in faith than there is in venting. Today I will work on trusting God. I will pause frequently for an intuitive thought. I will work towards being of service and doing the next right thing, and I will ask God what my part is and try to do that.
What can I do today to change the situation? I can go by and touch base with a place where I have a job application waiting for a response. I can’t make them give me the job, but I can show that I am serious about wanting it. If it is where God wants me, the rest is up to Him, but I can do that. I can call the collectors back and ask for a few days until I get paid Thursday and let them know I will pay my debt. Then I can let the rest go, because there is nothing more that I can change or do. And as I worked slowly through that this morning, the worry evaporated like the morning dew. I don’t have to do this. It’s not up to me. And the one who created the heavens and the earth can surely handle less than 20,000 dollars worth of debt and bills. I begin to see the fulfillment of the promise that the fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave me if I will use the tools God has given me and work towards changing the only thing I can change….myself.
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