Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Today is a good day to live and not die

Too much time has passed since I last updated this blog. I have not been spending much time on the computer the last week or so, but I have been doing well. Peace, serenity, joy….life is good, and just a few days ago I once again celebrated one month clean and sober, for which I am grateful.

I am grateful for so much in my life today. I am grateful for my relationship with God, for the time I spent with my father yesterday fishing (it’s been too long), for the amazing group of friends I have that form the foundation of a support base that is invaluable to me, and for the relationship that I am in.

That said, it has not been all rose petals and no thorns. Saturday night I came so close to messing up. My serenity level dropped into the negative scale. I almost walked off my job, which would have been a colossally bad idea. I actually clocked out and sat in my truck, cranked and waiting for me to shift it into gear and drive away, for about 15 minutes before I calmed down enough to go back inside and do the next right thing, clock back in and finish my shift. I prayed, took a few deep breaths, filled with cigarette smoke of course, and tried to relax. Did everything suddenly become wonderful? Not even close, but I made it through the moment of danger. A short while later I had a chance to drink with no one around. It came at a moment when what little serenity I had managed to regain had been blown away with the sound of exploding bottles and the smell of beer filling the cooler around me. A six-pack carton came to pieces and the falling longnecks made a mess of me. But not all had broken, and I could easily have downed the survivors. I didn’t. And when the night was done and I had kept my sobriety I felt so much better.

I can’t do this, not on my own. Saturday night reminded me of that, because it was too close and you can only play dodge ball for so long before catching a shot right in the kisser. But I am not alone. My God has done for me what I can not do for myself, in every area of my life. I have support and love from within my family. I have a family. I am loved. I am grateful. And I do not have to trudge this road alone. Progress. In so many areas of my life I see progress, and today I have hope without fear.

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