Fossils

I have a tendency to allow my past to effect my present and future more than they should. I know there are some consequences to my actions of the past I will never completely be able to erase….forgiveness does not always eliminate the consequences. There is some wreckage that simply can not be cleaned from the landscape of my life. The skeletons of that wreckage become part of the scenery of my life….but as the grass grows over them and time effects its change, the shapes become less discernable. I can not allow what I can’t change, what I don’t have, and what I can not do to interfere with what I can and have changed, what I do have and should be grateful for, and what I can and must do to live happy, joyous, and free while being of maximum service to God and my fellow man. The fossilized skeletal remains may be there to enable me to help others and prevent history from repeating itself by never allowing me to forget where I came from, but the dinosaur of the man I was who wrecked the landscape of the past no longer exists. He is extinct. I can not give it power by living as though the past is still alive.

It's Not All About Tomorrow

I read this morning that “Life is all a preparation for something better to come.” I disagree. While it is very true that everything I do today builds the foundation for my tomorrow just as everything good and bad that has gone before has brought me to this exact place and time, I can not agree that LIFE is all preparation. Life is living in the moment. Sure preparations must be made for the future, what I do today determines my tomorrow, and I must be open and willing to the changes I need to make today so that I can be of maximum service to God tomorrow. But I also need to be of service today. Life is now, not tomorrow. If I spend all my time focusing on the future I can not enjoy the moment I am in, the moment God has given me as the only point in time that I can truly experience. I can not experience full serenity while trying to focus on any moment other than the one I am in at this instant. This is not my saying, but I believe it to be true…if I have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, all I can do is piss on today. No thank you. I want to live. Life is about Now. If I do the next right thing and let God determine my everything now, today, then I have no need to worry about the future, tomorrow will take care of itself.

Trust God, Do What Little I can, Then Let Go

I got up this morning and began gathering my things for morning meditation. My cell phone caught my attention as I picked up my “Big Book.” I checked it to see if anyone had tried to call or text me during the night. My purple razor showed one text and one missed call. The text made me reflect on the good things of life as I read an update on a friend of mine’s progress toward delivery of her baby, very slow progress, The missed call and resulting voice mail came from a bill collector.

I instantly thought this is seriously not how I want to start my day. I have no money to send these people, and I have no idea how to change that any time in the next few days. Worry, no outright fear and frustration filled my mind for a moment. I almost became angry that I had to have this reminder of my financial shortcomings first thing upon waking.

But then I took a deep breath and said a short prayer. I didn’t pray for money; I prayed for peace. I remembered that my walking into the room was not my first thing for the day. My first thing of the day was to wake refreshed and loved exactly where I wanted to be with a bed to sleep on, a roof over my head, love in my life, and coffee waiting to be brewed. I began to give thanks and express my gratitude to God for the blessings in my life. My fear eased a little, and peace slowly eased in and out of my soul like a slowly rising tide makes its way up a sandy beach.

I told myself I can not do anything about this positive or negative at this moment so I need to focus on the next right thing in front of me, my morning time with God. But my Higher Power can take it when I come to Him and say, Father, Creator, I am afraid and don’t know what to do. I remember growing up and watching my father work himself away at multiple jobs to keep our rent and bills paid and food on the table. Through the combination of hard work and the provision of God, we never got evicted, I don’t remember the lights not coming on when I flicked the switch on the wall as a child, I never went without dinner due to finances. And I remember my father never seemed afraid or worried, in fact, he was the calm assurance that kept the hounding fear from consuming my mother. But I am so much like her, and I remember wondering why he wasn’t afraid. I wonder that same thing now. How did my father stay so assured that things would be ok? I just don’t feel it.

I can’t fix this. I can not do anything to improve my financial situation unless God opens a door for me to do so. I am being as careful with my money as I can and have been fairly efficient at stretching the little take home pay I have been making lately. But it’s not enough. So since this is something I can not change or fix myself, I need to accept the situation as it is and also accept that my needs will be met. I may not have everything I want, but as long as I surrender my will to His, do the next right thing to the best of my ability, and work hard when the opportunity arises, my needs will be met. Deep breath. Slow exhale. Surrender. Give it to God.

A memory comes. How many times have I read the reminder that God clothes the flowers of the field and feeds the birds and will also care for my needs the same way if I don’t get in the way trying to control things I can’t control or force a change before I know exactly what route to take and when to make the turn? A song plays on the jukebox of my mind about God providing for all my needs according to His riches and power and for His glory, not according to mine or so that I should receive any praise or credit.

My financial situation is the result of my actions, and my inability or improve my situation is a direct result of wreckage from a past I must accept full responsibility for. But God makes miracles happen. My wreckage is not bigger than He is. If God can help me clean and sober, He can help me do anything He needs me to, because changing me into a man who does not first seek escape through chemistry when attacked by fear is a huge miracle.

It does me no good to get angry at myself for throwing away as much as I have in the past, no point in getting angry at God for not doing things the way I want as quickly as I want so that I don’t have to develop and work on my faith. If it came at the blink of an eye or scratch of a lottery ticket, would I learn as well what my father knew…..that I can trust God?

Probably not. Abraham Lincoln said, “ I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had absolutely no other place to go.” This is where I find myself this morning. On my knees, figuratively speaking since my knee hurts, saying I can’t improve or handle this situation, it’s yours God, take it and help me not to take it back.

Smith Wigglesworth said, “I can get more out of God by believing in Him one minute than by shouting at Him all night.” My God can handle it if I need to shout. I’m not afraid of hurting His feelings or making Him reject me because I didn’t follow some sort of protocol. But that said, there is much more power and peace in faith than there is in venting. Today I will work on trusting God. I will pause frequently for an intuitive thought. I will work towards being of service and doing the next right thing, and I will ask God what my part is and try to do that.

What can I do today to change the situation? I can go by and touch base with a place where I have a job application waiting for a response. I can’t make them give me the job, but I can show that I am serious about wanting it. If it is where God wants me, the rest is up to Him, but I can do that. I can call the collectors back and ask for a few days until I get paid Thursday and let them know I will pay my debt. Then I can let the rest go, because there is nothing more that I can change or do. And as I worked slowly through that this morning, the worry evaporated like the morning dew. I don’t have to do this. It’s not up to me. And the one who created the heavens and the earth can surely handle less than 20,000 dollars worth of debt and bills. I begin to see the fulfillment of the promise that the fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave me if I will use the tools God has given me and work towards changing the only thing I can change….myself.

Finding the Color Again ~ With Image 38

Melody Beattie said, “Set others free to achieve and experience the path that leads to their
highest good and you, too, will become free to find yours.” I think she’s right. When I try to control others and want them to be what I want them to be, I strip my life of color. I am miserable. I lose my own happiness, my own freedom, because I am trying to do what God Himself will not do….override someone else’s will. It is only when I allow others the freedom to be themselves and make the choices that they believe to be best for them that I am free to be myself and follow my own path freely. I can concentrate on God’s will for me today and not worry about what others think. The love of God can reach every part of my life, because I am open and not closing myself off with willfulness and unforgiveness. When I let God do what He wants in my life and in the lives of others, when I stop trying to control others and things I have no ability or business trying to control I find the color returns to my life and I am on the road to happy, joyous and free.

Facing Fear

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn,
whatever state I may be in, therein to be content."
--Helen Keller

I love this Helen Keller quote. It reminds me that there is a potential for good and wonder and joy in every situation. I know God is with me in every time, in every moment, and in every place. I need to keep that in mind, for it gives me strength and serenity.

I am afraid of the dark. When I am indoors and in pitch black, or close to it, fear grows within me. This was not always so, but for the past several years it has at times been immobilizing. In some ways I have even missed the darkness I once loved and grew to hate and fear. I have other fears in my life as well. When I let my fears control me, I lose contact with my Higher Power and I let the wrong things, mainly my fear rather than my faith determine where, when, and what I do.

Last night I spent some time awake in more blackness than I have been comfortable with since around this time 2001. I enjoyed it immensely. What a blessing. What a relief. I may not always be able to handle the dark or my other fears, but when I can face them, while doing the next right thing, staying confident in the love and safety of God, then my fears lose their power, and I can have peace and serenity and joy, even in the midst of things that would without God paralyze me with fear. I am reminded of one of my favorite scriptures as a child….that perfect love casts out fear. What a power love has. What an amazing gift from God. With the assurance of the love of my God, I do not need to be afraid….and I can know peace.

Defect or asset? Entry with Image 37

The oak stands strong and beautiful and is greatly prized. It’s strength makes it a wonderful wood to use to build things with. We have all heard the saying though that the mighty oak stands strong against the wind and is broken while the willow bends and lives. The same “weakness” that makes the willow a poor choice of wood to build a house from is exactly what makes it “strong” enough to withstand the hurricane. It is true that our greatest weakness can also be our greatest strength.

How is this so? It is, in my opinion, simply due to the fact that what constitutes strength or weakness has nothing to do with the aspect of character or trait. There are no character attributes that are in and of themselves good or bad. Even the ones I always consider defects of character are not. Jealousy is a prime example. I am hard pressed to think of jealousy as good. And yet, God has said that He Himself is a jealous God. So if it is not the character trait or quality that is in and of itself good or bad, what determines if an aspect of myself is an asset or a defect?

Purpose. When I am outside of myself, when I refuse to be the center of my own universe, when I consider what my God wants from me and for me and do my best to fulfill that in my life, then my sensitivity to others thoughts and feelings becomes a great asset. When I am self-centered and determining my own will for my life, then that same trait becomes a weakness that makes me vulnerable to pain and leaves me susceptible to be controlled by others. When I am loving as God wants me to love, my ability to love is a strength, an asset. But when I am “loving” without regard for His will, when I use love to try to gain something for myself, I once again find myself vulnerable and often slip into the trap of manipulator. When I need to be an objective listener to help a friend, my ability to detach can be a great asset, but detachment for the wrong reasons, at the wrong times, leads to isolation and despair. The pain and suffering I have survived throughout my life can be a weakness that breathes life into the victim mentality that poisons my soul, it can cause me great depression and spur me into the fight or flight response that all too often makes me desire escape any way I can find it, even by destroying myself with drugs and alcohol. But that same pain, each of those same experiences, can enable me to reach and help others that perhaps no one else can. They are my greatest asset, when used correctly.

The key is submitting to the authority and guidance of God in my life. When I surrender to my Higher Power and do what He would have me do, when I seek to be a channel of peace rather than a receiver of peace, where I seek to heal rather than hurt, to bring peace and not discord, to illuminate instead of fight and argue, where I can accept others and be tolerant of views instead of standing on my assurance that I am right and others are wrong, when I seek to live by faith and not be controlled by doubt, to comfort and love rather than to be comforted and loved, when I ache to understand more than I want and need to be understood, when I set myself to live in maximum service to my God and fellow man….then, and only then, am I free of my character defects. Then there are no defects, for every aspect of my being, my love, my anger, my compassion, my detachment, my successes and my failures, every part of me becomes an asset God can use. And when that happens, when I completely submit to the will of God, then I find that I am happy, joyous and free.

LIFE ~ Image 36 out of order

(Image 36 ~ I Miss The Rain...posted out of order due to having been unable to get previous images off memory card to post as I went) Spirituality is the key to unlocking the prison of fear in my life. My relationship with God is my one and only path to freedom, freedom from fear, from drugs and alcohol, freedom to be happy, joyous and serene. I am sitting on the porch, coffee beside me, cigarette burning, listening to the much needed rain dance on the leaves of the trees surrounding me, a special someone visible through the window to my left, and I think life is good. But then the thoughts and fears and worries of the day begin to try to crowd in, to force their way into my thoughts and distract me….control me. And the rain picks up a bit bringing me back to this moment. The moment when God says to me I provide for you, all that you need I will give you if you will trust me and let me because I love you, just as I provide rain to give life to the planet that I created out of love. The frustrations of life, the little annoyances, the things that don’t go my way, how do they matter on the scale of eternity? They don’t. Most of the things that cause me worry and stress today won’t matter one bit, will barely be remembered a year from now. Those that are remembered will not feel as heavy. Does it matter in the eternal scheme of things if I don’t get everything I want today? No. But will it matter that I get what I need? Yes. And I have my needs. I woke to another day with breath in my lungs, a clear head, I am loved and can love others, I have a personal relationship with my creator, I have food to eat, a roof to shield me from the rain, and the tools I need to walk through one more day in service to God, my family, and my fellow man. I have everything I need to stay sober and build upon the foundation of the eternal. I am truly blessed, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful because I don’t deserve it, because I have done nothing and can do nothing to earn such blessing, mercy and grace from my creator. Because I was a dead man walking and now I live. This is a gift that lasts. Living rather than existing, hope outweighing fear, love crushing insecurity and self-hatred, peace conquering anxiety, joy erasing sadness, these are the gifts that stand the test of the eternal. These are what I will focus on today. LIFE ~ Living It For Eternity….grasping and living by this concept I begin to heal and live again.

Don't have to be a victim

I want, no I need to completely free myself of the victim’s mindset. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. Today when I slip into that victim mindset and start to feel that I am being abused or wronged or taken advantage of I must remember that I am not a victim of whoever I feel hurt by. No, I am a victim of my own expectations, my own choices and motives. When I expect others to be what I want them to be and not who they are, when they fail to meet my self-centered and unrealistic expectations I am hurt. When I allow others to be who they are, no matter how sick or contrary to what I would prefer, when I am honest with myself about my motives and desires, when I trust God and others to be who and what they are I can find serenity in the midst of any circumstance. I can trust.

But trusting does not mean becoming a doormat or allowing others to harm or control me. It does not mean that I am blind to the reasons why others are acting the way the are or why they are treating me any particular way, whether that be good or bad. It does not mean that I don’t look at my own motives when I ask myself why a person is reacting this way or that to me, or why I myself and reacting a certain way to them. I have to look at the danger…at the potential for harm as well as for good in every person or thing I allow to influence my life. If I put all my trust in God first and foremost, let Him guide me, concentrate on doing the next right thing for the right reasons then I become aware of the potential harm in situations and can avoid many. For those that can not be avoided I see that I am shielded and protected from the wounds that those people and situations would inflict upon me.

JD ~ Image 22

This is JD, my Walker Coon Hound. I love him to death, but he sure screwed me out of a lot of sleep the morning I took this. Grrrr. But you can't blame a hound for acting like a hound.

Found treasure ~ Image 21

Found this Texas Tech puzzle cube keychain on trip to Ft. Worth. Snagged it as I never saw one before and seriously love Tech....and it will also serve as a momento of a wonderful day.

Today is a good day to live and not die

Too much time has passed since I last updated this blog. I have not been spending much time on the computer the last week or so, but I have been doing well. Peace, serenity, joy….life is good, and just a few days ago I once again celebrated one month clean and sober, for which I am grateful.

I am grateful for so much in my life today. I am grateful for my relationship with God, for the time I spent with my father yesterday fishing (it’s been too long), for the amazing group of friends I have that form the foundation of a support base that is invaluable to me, and for the relationship that I am in.

That said, it has not been all rose petals and no thorns. Saturday night I came so close to messing up. My serenity level dropped into the negative scale. I almost walked off my job, which would have been a colossally bad idea. I actually clocked out and sat in my truck, cranked and waiting for me to shift it into gear and drive away, for about 15 minutes before I calmed down enough to go back inside and do the next right thing, clock back in and finish my shift. I prayed, took a few deep breaths, filled with cigarette smoke of course, and tried to relax. Did everything suddenly become wonderful? Not even close, but I made it through the moment of danger. A short while later I had a chance to drink with no one around. It came at a moment when what little serenity I had managed to regain had been blown away with the sound of exploding bottles and the smell of beer filling the cooler around me. A six-pack carton came to pieces and the falling longnecks made a mess of me. But not all had broken, and I could easily have downed the survivors. I didn’t. And when the night was done and I had kept my sobriety I felt so much better.

I can’t do this, not on my own. Saturday night reminded me of that, because it was too close and you can only play dodge ball for so long before catching a shot right in the kisser. But I am not alone. My God has done for me what I can not do for myself, in every area of my life. I have support and love from within my family. I have a family. I am loved. I am grateful. And I do not have to trudge this road alone. Progress. In so many areas of my life I see progress, and today I have hope without fear.

Flying....Image 20

Soaring across a beautiful sunset above the water feels so amazing and so serene. I long for the feeling this image produces in me. But the truth is I have been feeling a little like this, as though I am flying above the world in the midst of a beautiful dream. And it is wonderful, and serene, and even a little frightening. After all I could fall.

But then I remember the rope, this parasailor is tethered to a boat and as long as he stays on the rope and the boat keeps moving he'll be fine. I am also tethered to something greater than myself, and no matter what else as long as I trust it, I can not fall.

I believe God has brought me to a place and time where I can fly and know peace and happiness more often than not. The dreams I have He has given me. I can enjoy the beauty around me as I fly. I can see the world through a lense and capture feeling as well as light. I can love and be loved as I am for who I am. I can dream.

And some of those dreams will come true. I can rejoice in that. Some of them will not, but that will not break me since I my God will not allow me to fall too hard too fast where the waters below can break me, and let's not forget if I find myself in the waters far from shore I have a life-preserver, the tools and knowledge I have been given to keep my afloat until the boat arrives to pick me up and carry me.

Image 19 ~ Treasure Recovery...even new recovery

Sometimes I degrade my recovery and treat it as though it has no value because I have had to start over. I say things like I only have so many days so I don't feel I have much to offer. Or I act as though my few weeks are somehow worth less than other's long years. But that's crap. My few weeks are a miracle of epic proportion, maybe even more of a miracle than the previous success of 15 months. It doesn't matter how little time I have done the road of recovery there are things I can offer and contribute and my success is precious. Others may find it amusing when I treasure the dream and beginning the way others treasure great successes, but treasuring the seed is how I will attain the fruit to appreciate.

Image 18

I saw this cow grazing so peacefully amidst the beauty of the country landscape. I realized that in many ways her life is more serene and fulfilled than mine. I need to learn the lesson the animals already know. Be content with what one has, and bask in the beauty around oneself, and life will be much less anxiety filled, much more peaceful, and so much less stressful. And even as I type those words the dreams I long for are screaming for my attention.

Image 17

Sometimes I feel like this rabbit, sneaking out at night and crouching, tense ready to bolt at the first sign of danger. Yet, I am no longer hiding in a hole and me feet are on the path. Afraid? Yes, but moving forward anyway. And with each successful mile, the fear lessens.

Image 16 ~ (6-1-10) A New Road

To be perfectly honest I do not particularly like this image. I find it boring. I didn't see much when I went looking for something to shoot the Tuesday after Memorial Day. So why shoot this if I didn't really like it? Because it reminded me of where I am. I am on a road now that I believe is leading somewhere special and good. I never believed I would be allowed to journey down this road before, but now I see that a bridge has been built. I can continue and will, even though the road has twists and turns I can not see beyond. I find it a little frightening at times, not knowing exactly where I'm going and what's around the next bend, but I feel hopeful that the destination will be even more than I ever dreamed it could be. And at the same time I am able to enjoy the beauty that is all around me more than ever.

Image 15

Image 14 (5-31-10)