Walking through the Valley God made a way

I delayed writing this because I wanted to tell the person who heard God and blessed me so much what happened first before I told the world. After Nick overdosed last month and his sister convinced me to sing at his funeral, Andrew told me that he wanted me to sing at his funeral. I wonder if he was already thinking about going home, because about a month later, I found myself facing that exact scenario. The song he wanted sung is one I love but haven’t heard enough to really know and feel comfortable singing without Johnny Cash accompanying me. For the curious, the song is a cover of Trent Resnor of Nine Inch Nails called Hurt.

I freaked. How am I going to perform this song without any practice or even getting to listen to the song a few times. I prayed that if I really needed to do this for Andrew, or even just for myself, that God would give me a clear sign and then help me get through it. I didn’t tell anyone because I secretly wanted an excuse not to sing at the funeral. Then Tuesday night my sponsor said she had something for me. She gave me a package that I later discovered contained the Johnny Cash CD with that very song. I cried, put the CD in the listened to it a few dozen times. Wednesday morning I sang it at Andrew’s funeral. I got through. It sounded decent I guess, especially considering that I was crying long before the song ended, but at least I didn’t screw it up.

I made it through the song and through the funeral. I said goodbye to the man I believed just a few weeks ago would be in my life for the rest of it. My third funeral in a week came to a close, and I felt so much loss and pain I can’t describe it. But I discovered strength I didn’t know I had access to. Strength came from the support and love of friends new and old that refused to let me drown in the stormy waves of self-pity and grief. Strength flowed into me straight from the throne room of God and carried me safely back home. I prayed. I cried. I went to meetings. I talked to people about what was going through my head and the pain the filled my heart. And I stayed sober and clean. A miracle I am truly grateful for. God came through for me in a big way. Every time I find myself swamped by soap opera quality drama in my life I tend to doubt that God loves me. I can so relate to Christ’s cry of “My God my God why hast Thou forsaken me?” But the truth is that He never has. He never will. He loves regardless. And as long as I turn to Him when the fit hits shan instead of running away from Him and the pain then my recovery has a chance.