Still safe...so far

Well I made it into town tonight for Andrew's funeral tomorrow. What a drive. Ok, most of the drive really wasn't that bad, but parts...

My mind kept returning to the oversensitive reaction I had earlier today to something my father said. He didn't mean anything negative or disparaging but I took it wrong, got my little feelings hurt, got angry and cried and cursed at the sky for about 30 minutes after. On the three hour drive tonight I thought about it a lot. I need to find a way to get over this and let it go, or I will get drunk over it eventually. People die. I can handle that. But rejection from lovede ones? Never been much good at dealing with that, especially if said loved ones were Mom or Dad.

Got to Montrose and found out that C is so messed up that he may not even make the funeral. I don't know if I felt more angry or scared about that. I hope he shows tomorrow. If he doesn't I may look for him. I know I can't save anyone, but I can't help trying.

Finally found a hotel room and let a few friends know I am safe and well. I greatly appreciate all the friends that have one above and beyond to help me mmake it through the insanity of both fate's pranks and my own self-imposed crisis this, well this last month really.

I am not looking forward to this funeral. In some ways it's not yet real to me that Andrew is truly gone. The pain that will come with that truly sinking in is not something I am eager to experience. But some things just have to be done. One of the side effects of God bringing me to life is that now I can actually feel the pain that life throws at me. But I can also access the grace of the God who set me free from the bondage of self, drugs, and alcohol. I am grateful enough for the latter to put up with the former.