Guarding my recovery

“Just for today: I will be vigilant, doing everything necessary to guard my recovery.”

I received this quote as a text message from a friend of mine the morning of New Year’s Day. What a wonderful message. What glorious timing. As the man who means more to me than he will ever know lay sleeping, or to be more accurate lay passed out after throwing away three and a half years of sobriety the night before in New Orleans, I contemplated those words.

Doing everything necessary to guard my recovery…but what exactly is that? Well, other than don’t drink, don’t drug, no matter what, I don’t always know. What is necessary changes as situations, emotions, spiritual fitness, and more changes. As they do, so does what I need to do to guard, to protect, to maintain my recovery. I don’t always know what the answer is. This situation, where the man I felt fully prepared to have in my life for…well, for the rest of it, fell back into the grip of chemicals that have nearly killed us both is one of those times I did not, and still don’t, know exactly what to do.

I love him. I have no desire to abandon him to hell. I think of my parents, my ex-wife, and a few others who loved me enough to stay in my life and pray for my recovery as I drank and used my way to the brink of the grave. How can I, who I understand, who have been there, who maintain my sobriety through service and helping the alcoholic and addict who still suffers do any less?

On the other hand, I know no one can help and addict until he or she wants that help. It doesn’t matter what or how you say something to someone if they aren’t ready to hear it. I think this may be why one of the phrases most often spoken by Jesus was “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” You can’t hear the solution, the truth, until you can, until you’re ready. I don’t believe I can handle watching A. kill himself while I wait and hope he will become ready and willing again before it is too late.

And then the toughest part of the question, can I keep this relationship AND my sobriety? Seeing A. totally messed up did not make me tempted at all to join him and return to my own personal hell. It made me sick. It hurt. It scared the hell out of me. But how long will that revulsion protect me? I don’t know.

And I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t know what the next right thing is yet…but I do know that God knows. I have no wisdom here, but I have access to the source of all wisdom. I must be patient, seek said wisdom, and not make any moves until I am sure which way my God wants me to go.