Average day - good, bad, and choices delayed

A strange start to the day. R. showed up again for the second time in the middle of the night. My clock let me know it was 1:22 AM to be precise. And like the last time he showed up, a few months ago, he stood on my porch staggering drunk. He wanted me to drive to Houston with him. Not hardly. I wasn’t even going to let him inside, but to be honest, the ride to H-town held more temptation. That’s where A. is

But I didn’t go. He accused me of throwing walls up towards him every time, but that may be because he only shows up once in a blue moon, drunk, wanting something. I never see him any other time. That’s not my idea of a good situation for me. He asked if I still go to the 12-step group I attend. I answered yes. He then said he should probably go, but he didn’t want to because they don’t understand him there. I’m not sure what that was all about, but in all truth, I didn’t really try to figure it out or talk to him about it. I don’t try to talk to someone about recovery while they’re still drunk or high. It’s typically a waste of time and energy in my experience and opinion. I saw him in town this afternoon, so either he didn’t go or he made it back safely. I feel relieved at that. I did not feel good about sending him back out in the rain to drive home or to Houston intoxicated. But then again, wasn’t going to let him inside my place in the shape he was in. Truth? I don’t let many people in my house period.

The afternoon, went a little better, other than losing my phone and having to spend about 45 minutes looking for it before my father finally found it. Spent some time with a friend of mine who is also in recovery and then made a meeting. That went well. After I spent some time with J. watching the national championship game between Texas and Alabama. But on the way home, things turned back to the negative. Something happened to my poor tired old car. I may have thrown or broken a belt. Not sure. I couldn’t find a flashlight, so I’m not positive. But my charge light came on and the lights went dim, which tells me my alternator wasn’t working correctly. Then for the first time in the 14 months I’ve owned it, my car ran hot. I was able to see that a small hose had come off the radiator. I lost some fluid for sure. I put it back on, but in the cold and dark, there wasn’t much else I could do. I made it home late, and the lights at my parents’ house were already off. I didn’t feel comfortable waking my father up. I am 99% positive the car won’t start tomorrow morning, at least not before the battery sits on a charger for a while. Then there’s the question of what kind of damage there might be from the liquid spewing onto the engine and then freezing and/or the lower fluid level inside the radiator. I may have screwed up but just leaving it, but when it comes to things like this, I am so out of my element.

But while I don’t know much about engines, or if leaving was the next right thing for me to do, I do know that I made it through another day clean and sober. For that I am so grateful. I also know that if I am going to protect that recovery and maintain it, I have some decisions to make. Not having much luck knowing exactly which way I should go, just what I should do, but I have an idea. I’ve sought advice from several people who have had to make similar choices. I have prayed. I have done everything I can think of to do what I need to find guidance and direction. Soon, I will have to stop stalling and do what I know I need to. I’m just not looking forward to it. I guess deep down inside I know what I need to do, but I am afraid. This may not turn out the way I want it to. But the outcome is out of my hands. This is one of the many things I can’t control. The only part of the outcome I can control is whether or not I drink or use, and that last part is only for as long as I do what I know is the right thing, keep working my program, and most importantly try to get closer contact each day with my God.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I am working on the acceptance part, but I need a little extra help on the courage to do my part.