So Far Gone

"I wanna be so far gone in you

So far nothing else will ever do

I wanna be so far gone in you

in you..." 

~ Thousand Foot Krutch

There are times when I look at my life and the situations in it and realize that I've gotten one or two degrees off course. I'm not talking about slipping into the deep end of the pool of self or backsliding, but rather simply realizing that God and my relationship with Him do not quite have the priority that they should have. It's easy to slip into the performance mentality at that point and start thinking of all the things that I should be doing. I need to pray and meditate more. I should read and study more. I need to make sure to put God first in my life, etc.

And there's nothing wrong with those things, especially the last one. The idea of putting God first in my life is a good one. It's even scriptural. "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness..." I've heard repeatedly that if I put half as much energy in pursuing God as I did in pursuing those things I'd become addicted to that I wouldn't have trouble walking with God. I agree.

I don't want religion in my life. I want relationship with Christ. I don't have to prioritize my wife. When I wake up I don't have to make a choice to put Leah before other things and try to spend time with her. I love her so much that when I have a moment of free time that is also free for her my only desire is to spend it with her. It's not a choice, because there is no choice. I want to spend my time with her, and I do that every minute that I can. I have to try to force myself to socialize some and include others in my life, because it would be very comfortable to isolate and hole up with Leah and shut out the rest of the world. But I can't be of service very well when I do that. I've found the most satisfying compromise is to make sure I do my visiting when Leah can go with me. That way I get to see family and friends more but don't lose a minute with her.

I never once woke up and said I'm going to put drinking and drugging first in my life today. I didn't have to. It already was. There were times that I isolated and sought oblivion and nothing else. There were also plenty of times that I went to work, spent time with family and friends, etc that I was not alone with my addictions. But they were always right there. I was either using during those times or trying to figure out how and when I could use again.

I could structure and organize my life and put God at the top like a chore on a to do list. But I don't want that. It makes God a burden. Spending time with God becomes something I have to do to keep from messing up my life, to earn His blessing and power in my life, and that's no way to have relationship. I don't want Leah to feel like she has to spend time with me to keep from losing me. I want her to want to spend time with me that way I want to spend time with her. I'm sure God feels the same way about me.

I want to be so in love with God that my love affair with my wife pales by comparison. I want to be so consumed with relationship with Him that I don't try to put Him first it just happens. I want to be unable to go anywhere or do anything without my conscious contact and awareness of God being a part of that time. I want to be so far gone in my relationship with Jesus that there's no area in my life where I can say here I am spending time with Him and here I am not.

For years the first thing I did upon waking was reach for something to chemically alter my body and mind. I didn't think about it. It never got written down on a to do list. It was as natural a part of my day as breathing. The last thing I did each day was ingest something to change the way I felt. And all through the day my life was chemically altered. My desire today is not to feel the need to put God first. Instead I want to be so in love and consumed with that relationship that the presence of God becomes as much a part of each moment of my life that it is as much a part of who I am today as the drink and drugs were in the past.

Three Years Old And Finally As Smart As A Toddler

Three years ago yesterday I wrote a blog entry and proceeded promptly thereafter to get totally trashed and cry myself to sleep. The last paragraph of what I wrote was full of determination and hope, but not enough to keep me from using that night. It reads as follows:

"I thank God for an earthly father who lives an example of Christ-like love and gave me an understanding of the concept of mercy, love and forgiveness rather than hatred, rejection, fire and brimstone. Because of this I can believe in forgiveness from God, because I have seen it in my earthly father I can believe it from a Heavenly Father. I can accept the philosophy of progress not perfection and release myself from the bondage of legalism and expectations I set too high for myself. I don't have to follow you [Someone close to me who had relapsed and died 16 days later four months before I wrote this] into the ground, and while I miss you terribly, I pray that I regain my recovery. I can take a detour back onto the route that God put me on over a year ago that leads to a place of serenity, where I can be happy, joyous and free as God wants me to be. I know we'll meet in heaven one day, but it doesn't have to be soon."

What I felt that night and tried to express may not have been enough to keep me clean and sober as I wrote it or in the hours that followed, but it did indeed signal a change. The next morning I  woke up sick, hurting and shaky and hit my knees rather than reach for a drink. I prayed for God to help keep me clean and sober for just the next 24 hours and that I would be able to make the journey back home as the prodigal son.

I surrendered. The alcohol and drugs had whipped me. I'd only been back out there about a couple months, and I'd lost 40 pounds. Death courted me daily. I knew I only had two choices surrender or die. I surrendered.

And that's all I did on my own. Since that morning after the grace of God has given me three years worth of 24 hours clean and sober all strung together. Every day this happens is a new record for how long I've been clean and sober since I was 13. And that is a miracle.

I did what God told me to do, but only because He gave the grace for me to be able to obey. I did my part of the work in the Spiritual program I chose, but only because He gave me the willingness, ability and energy to do that. I changed, but only because He changed me. He did it all, but only because I let Him. Today I am free from the obsession to drink and drug and have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body, but only because He tore down  the walls and loosed the chains.

Last night and when I first awoke this morning, I felt on edge, anxious and angry for no reason. I couldn't control my emotions. I took things that Leah said as attacks and persecution and reacted poorly. I took computer problems as signs the whole world was on the brink of disaster and cursed the moon, the stars and Toshiba. In short I acted a fool.

But I didn't want to drink or drug, I only wanted to stop feeling the way I felt. I'm still the same guy who can't always handle reality and emotions, but today, I know that the solution, the peace I seek, the attitude and feeling I change I need is not found in chemicals, or self-control, will power and discipline, but rather it is only found in God's grace, acceptance and love.

So now, like the toddler I am, I will run to my Papa crying instead of trying to fix my injuries myself. Like a toddler I will crawl into His arms and let Him kiss it all better. Like I toddler I will not hold it against myself that I didn't walk perfectly and something went wrong, but will lose all sense of everything but the moment and Papa and that now everything is Ok.

This is what I've learned in three years. Not how to walk perfectly or run without falling and scraping a knee, but how to turn to my Creator and cry out Papa and to know that He will answer with love. And that love is enough to fill what needs to be filled in my life so that today, at this moment, I crave no other enhancer or numbing agent to get through the day. I am grateful.

Moneyball and Me

My wife does not like baseball, nor does she enjoy movies with baseball as the backdrop or central theme. SO it surprised and blessed me when I checked to see what disc had arrived from Netflix the other day and discovered that Leah had added Moneyball to the queue. It was a sweet and thoughtful act on her part, and I felt grateful that she loves me so much.

Yesterday as I worked on editing images from a recent wedding Leah and I shot I put the disc in the player and relived a little of the back story of the miracle season the Oakland A's had in 2002. No, they didn't win the World Series, but they made the playoffs when all the experts and fans expected them to be one of the worst, if not the worst, team in the American League that year. They'd lost their star players and had a budget smaller than the average Hollywood film I remember going into the season as a Rangers fan being glad that no matter what else happened at least we wouldn't be last because we were so much better than the A's.

Wrong. Texas finished last in the West, although not last in the American League overall, thankfully, while Oakland finished first in the division. It wasn't supposed to happen that way! Every factor that could be seen by everyone, experts and armchair coaches alike agreed the A's were doomed to fail! So what happened?

Well, I don't want to recap the movie. I might ruin it for those who haven't seen it or bore those who feel about baseball as my wonderful wife does. It's an awesome story if you're in to that kind of thing, so give the film a look see. But to answer the question in a general way Billy Beane, the A's General Manager, did something different and unexpected.

Beane saw another ball club getting direction that he didn't understand from someone he wasn't sure had the qualifications to be giving said direction. He admitted he didn't have the answers himself and gave this new approach a chance. He opened his mind to a new way of thinking and took advice from a source he would not have considered before.

He didn't have instant success, but he didn't quit or demand the path of instant gratification. When the whole world seemed to be heckling and second-guessing, when we all said what he was doing would never work, that he would be as big if not a bigger failure than before, he stayed the course.

The results were amazing and beyond even die hard Oakland fans' wildest dreams. Another team, the Boston Red Sox, put the principles that Beans used in Oakland into place and two years later broke the 86 year championship drought. I won a large pot when the Red Sox won the World Series for the first time in what seemed like forever.

So what's the point? Am I just rambling about a movie I really enjoyed? No. I saw in this story an example of recovery and life the way it is meant to be. I, like many others, have made some extremely bad choices running my life. I woke up one day to find myself on the bottom of the pile with little hope of digging my way out of it. I didn't have the resources or skills. There was no way to get a new result using the same old thinking and living the same way that I always had. I simply couldn't happen.

Society looked at my record, my past, tallied up the results of my mistakes and wrote me off. I didn't blame them, because I did the same thing. Then I opened my mind enough to listen to others who had started doing something totally different.

There is another way, an easier softer way, to live that actually produces better results! By surrendering to God and letting Him show me what needed to be cut from my life and what needed to be added, I abandoned the self-centered, look out for number one way of the world that had failed me so miserably, and adopted a new way of thinking and acting and making decisions.

My life began to change. I didn't have instant success, and I still had detractors. More than one person doing the same thing I was doing looked at my early struggles and said this guy is never going to make it. But I found my miracle. Today I have been clean and sober for two years, ten months, and twenty-five days, and that my dear reader is a miracle. I have proven over the years that I could never have done that on my own. I needed to surrender to the still small voice of God, do it His way instead of mine, and stay the course.

I still haven't won the show. There are areas in my life that still need a lot of improvement. But I'm in the playoff hunt again. I have a chance to make a difference. I have a life worth living. And I have my own Red Sox. Another man saw what was happening in my life and started listening to the same advice, practicing the same principles. After a lifetime of mistakes and using, he died clean and sober and restored. He won the show.

I don't take credit for Thomas' success. Beane didn't leave Oakland and Boston won their World Series without him. He saw what someone else was doing and did what they did. Boston saw what he did and took it further. I didn't change my life. God did. And I didn't find a new path. The principles I put into practice have been around a long time. And while I made myself available to listen and help, Thomas did his part of the work and God did all the heavy hitting.

But that's the point. That's the secret to success in recovery and in life. Realize that there is another way, make a connection with the One who understands how things need to be done, listen and put what He said into action in such a way that not only you have success but where others can see what you have and get it for themselves by doing what you did.

There is another way. It doesn't make sense to a self-centered world, but I promise that it works....and it costs a lot less too.

End Of The Year Ramblings

I don't think I am unlike the average in that as the year winds down I start doing a review of how things went. For me, this process began  about a week and a half ago, a little before Christmas. Depending on the day or the minute I looked back, this was either a pretty darn good year with quite a bit of progress in several  areas that I have been praying about, or it was a rough year and my Pollyanna perspective on progress made was naive and foolish because things aren't any better. But what actually happened in 2012 is locked, done and unchanging. What is changing to cause the fluctuation I listed above is my attitude, my perspective and the amount of self-centered thinking I am allowing to occur.

In January I celebrated my one year anniversary of my marriage to Leah. That's a blessing. Sometimes I still can't imagine how I got so blessed. This is most certainly an amazing testimonial of God's grace in my life, because I had certainly not done anything to earn or deserve such a perfect match for me or a good relationship at all, much less a second chance to be a husband. Leah is amazing, and the almost three years we've been together has been so wonderful. I look forward to celebrating our second year anniversary next month.

In January I lost two special people in my life, Derrin Montrose and Crystal Rose. Leah and I still feel that loss almost a year later.

February is normally a hard month for me, and one that in my drinking and using days my intake of mind altering substances usually at least doubled. This year had the added pain of Crystal's birthday so landing so quickly after we lost her. But in many ways this was the easiest February I've had in over 20 years, and I made it through without having to fight the desire to drink or drug.

In March, I turned 41, and I actually see that as a good thing. I never expected to live this long, and those that know my story know that it is a miracle of God that I have. More than that though, I never expected to be glad to have lived that long, if by some miracle I did. For years I hated my birthday because I hated my life. Today I have a life worth living and can celebrate the day of my birth instead of seeing it as a curse. I am so grateful for that.

Sometimes it's easy to feel sorry for myself when I think about April. Leah's birthday was in April, and I wasn't able to get her what I wanted to for her birthday or do any of the special things that I imagined would be nice to do. We simply didn't have the money, which served as an excellent diving board into the pool of self pity, since my contribution at this point was as "house husband" or "domestic engineer" and I hadn't brought any income to the table in a while. But that is me feeling sorry for myself or angry at the wreckage of my past. Leah appreciates what I contribute to our home. And she and I had a good time together celebrating her birthday. I know that I need to continue to work on determining my value based on what God says about me and not on how I perceive the world or society would determine my worth, or by money, or not on my past.

In May I celebrated my two-year sobriety anniversary. The longest period before was 15 months. In May I extended my previous record by nine months and celebrated being clean and sober for the longest time period since I was 13 years old. On top of that, the days and months following two years continued to be smooth and fight free when it came to the obsession to drink or drug, or rather the lack of it. I am grateful.

In May I also started a recovery oriented chapter of the No Rules Riders RC. I am pretty proud to fly the No Rules Riders patch on my vest, but the chapter patch I designed is far more special and important to me. I lived my life to raise hell for far too long, and now, thanks to finding relationship with my Creator and working the spiritual  program of recovery and the 12 steps, I can be a part of the God's miracle work in razing, meaning to level or completely destroy, the hell of bondage and addiction. I once was a prisoner to alcohol and drugs and so much more. Today I am free to ride the road of happy destiny, a twist on a quote from the Big Book, and not only am I free, but I can help others find that same freedom. It worked for me, so it can work for anyone who works it.

In June, the Hell Razer chapter NRR made it's first recovery run. A simple little ride with some friends to a meeting about an hour and a half from home. It turned out to be a God-thing. Their speaker for the night didn't show, and the guy who rode with us ended up speaking and sharing his 20 plus years of recovery experience, strength and hope. I am so grateful to have been able to experience God working in such a way.

In July Jesse Rayne came into our, mine and Leah's, life. This was somewhat a silver lining of losing Derrin and Crystal, as we never would have met Jesse had the other not happened. Jesse has been a real blessing to me and Leah and become one of my best friends. I am grateful for him.

In August I wrecked my motorcycle when a college student pulled into my lane on a wet weekday afternoon. There's one that could have easily been a serious negative for the year but really wasn't. I walked away from the wreck. Ok, I rode away in an ambulance, but after some cat scans and x-rays, I walked out of the ER a few hours after the wreck. That's good enough for me. I received no serious injuries in the wreck, and I am grateful to God for that. This wreck turned out to be a blessing in and of itself as the CT Scans showed some spots on my lymph nodes. That caused some fear and anxiety as one might expect, but it reminded me to rely on God. I didn't feel the need to escape or change my reality. I didn't figure I was dying so might as well burn out. In other words, I handled this baffling situation in a way totally opposite to the way I had always reacted in the past. God's miracle working power continued to be demonstrated. Several months earlier I had admitted in a meeting that I didn't know if I could stay sober facing a life threatening illness such as cancer. In August and the following month and a half I had to face the very real possibility that I would find out. My program didn't fall apart, and God remained faithful.

In September God made a way for me to have the treatment I needed. Leah and I met with the Thoracic surgeon and scheduled the biopsy for early October. That brought new fear as I hate going under anesthesia. But once more God was faithful. I felt peace instead of fear the morning of the surgery. Everything went well, and a week later I learned that I had received grace once more. I didn't have cancer. The disease that was causing the problem in my lymph nodes was not life threatening if treated, and it is treatable. Thank you God.
Suddenly I felt even more grateful that I hadn't thrown my recovery away in valley of the shadow. The light revealed that death would have to wait a while. Had I returned to my drinking and using only God knows if I would have survived another relapse.

In November I celebrated my fifth Thanksgiving since prison and my third with Leah. Reviewing the previous few months I had plenty to be Thankful for. Leah and I learned that her son and his wife are going to have a baby and saw the first sonogram of our grandchild due in June. Hell  Razer NRR participated in the local Gypsy MC Toys For Tots Drive and helped that worthy cause.

Suddenly Christmas was upon us. I survived yet another apocalypse, and fared much better than I did the last one I survived. I got to see both my brothers and their families. Things came together just right for Leah and I to be able to see her son and his wife. We didn't get to see her daughter this year, but Leah did get to talk/text with her. I had the blessing of being hired to shoot not just one but two weddings this month. Through the blessing of Facebook I learned that my nephew had to have emergency surgery this morning to remove his appendix and that the surgery went well.

For ever horrible, scary or bad thing that happened during the past twelve months, I can easily see God' hand in giving Leah the grace and strength to go through it. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for my life with Leah. I am grateful for my recovery and how it stood the test of some pretty serious trials this past year.

I am not one who makes resolutions. The victory I have had in my life and in my recovery is not my own. It is proof that there is a God and that He has power that I do not posses. Everything that I determine to do on my own or in my own strength is pretty much a set up for failure. But I do have some goals for 2013. I hope to grow even closer in relationship with my Heavenly Father. I hope that whether 2013 is great or horrible or the mixed bag that most years are, my program will remain strong because my conscious contact with my Creator will not be broken.

I hope to write more frequently and regularly. I hope to ride more and worry less. I hope to use my camera more in creative and artistic ways and also with the result of contributing more financially to my family.

I hope to share my experience, strength and hope more and to help others who suffer the way I used to suffer to recover from alcoholism and addiction. I hope to be less critical and more loving. I look forward to becoming a grandfather and hope to be a better husband, son, brother and  friend than I have been. I hope to continue working the spiritual program of recovery in my life so that these things that I hope for have a chance of coming true. Basically I have hope for 2013, and that is also a miracle because I am grateful for the hope I have today and four years ago hope was near the very top of my fears list.

Thank you God for the miracles and progress in my life over the past four years and especially over the past 12 months.  I am grateful that I know that the good in my life comes from you and that I haven't earned it, because that frees me from the weight of having to earn its continuance. I am grateful that You have begun this good work in me and that You will be faithful and are able to complete that work. Thank you from freedom from fear of the future and from having to measure up. Thank you for 2012, the good and the bad, and for the chance to see what 2013 will bring. My I be faithful to calling with which I have been called and may I do Your will always. Amen.

Time For Repairs

It's Thursday morning, and I am feeling much better today than I have since the surgery on Monday. I feel blessed to have been able to continue to maintain my daily spiritual routine not only Monday but every day after. Though my dosage of pain killers is extremely low the presence of narcotics in my system and on my bedside table have motivated me to be extremely concerned about my spiritual state over the last few days. I am recovered of a hopeless state of mind and body that leads to my drinking and drugging but I am  not cured of the phenomenon of the craving that is activated by the introduction of chemicals to my system. I know that I am not immune to the dangers of using simply because I have a legitimate reason and doctor's orders to use. Nor will the illusion of control that comes from following prescription times and dosages provide safety. I have a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. The key word for me here is maintenance.

There are two parts to maintenance. Regular inspection and care is one. With a vehicle this would include things like checking air pressure in tires, checking the fluids, checking the belts, etc and then taking the proper steps to correct anything that isn't right. With my spiritual program this includes starting my day with prayer and mediation, reading and studying recovery and spiritual materials. keeping an eye on the "spiritual gauges" as I go through the day so that I know quickly if and when I fall into self will, and making the proper adjustments when I do, and ending the day in review and prayer.

The second part of maintenance is tied with the last part of the vehicle maintenance. There are times when checking everything reveals a problem. Other times something that isn't on the regular check list breaks down or shows some sign of problem. To keep the vehicle properly maintained I must repair the problem as quickly as possible. Continuing to drive while something  is breaking down can cause serious damage to other parts of the vehicle and could cause an accident. Spiritually there are times when problems are revealed during normal checking and other times a situation reveals the problem. Regardless of how I learn of an area where the is a problem with my spiritual life, I need to repair it as quickly as possible in order to maintain my spiritual condition and conscious contact with God, and as a by-product maintain my sobriety.

Last Friday morning all my gauges red lined. Leah and I went into the hospital  to make the financial arrangements for my surgery and to do the pre-op tests. Within the first few minutes of talking to the woman in the financial office I snapped at her. I became angry. Leah attempted to calm me down and get me to check myself. For some reason, this only increased my foolish anger. I calmed down enough to work things out at the office, but the bitter taste of anger remained in my mouth and my attitude worsened. Leah bore the brunt of my emotional state I am ashamed to admit. I snapped at her. I raged against self-restraint creating a dangerous energy that scared my wife. She has been blessed to have escaped witnessing what I was like  when anger boiled just below the surface of my life at every moment and fueled almost all of my actions and reactions.

Most of that anger was quelled when I took my first fifth step. More died later as I learned how to better recognize and release resentments. But some, obviously, has not yet been rooted out and dealt with well enough to completely kill it. The anger would surface, and I would deal with it, cutting off everything I could see, but the root remained, growing under the surface to pop up later, stronger and more resilient. The situation that happened Friday also happened at the end of August, only less severe.

I got angry, snapped at a receptionist and allowed my anger to frighten my wife. Not liking how I effected Leah, I looked at the problem, realized I was wrong, prayed, released that anger and made an amends to my wife. But I didn't find  the root. I didn't find the real cause for the anger. I never examined past seeing how I reacted wrongly to the receptionist. I didn't look at the strength of the anger and how quickly it surfaced, which indicated that it was something that had burned from an old and very hot coal rather than from a new match. Because I failed to deal with what happened properly and fully the fire rekindled to blaze again in less than two months, this time worse. I saw all of this Friday, but still didn't see the root.  I couldn't identify and therefore put out the buried ember.

I saw this Friday but only did enough to put out the surface fire.  I got calm.  I released the anger I felt, even cried a little though I couldn't figure out why, made amends both to my wife and the office worker. Then I  resolved to do a deeper inventory on the problem. After that I got busy with preparations for the surgery and other excuses and put my revelation of the problem that needed to be dealt with aside. In other words, I kept driving with the check engine light on simply because the gauge was no longer in the red.

Though I have been diligent with my normal  spiritual routine during my recovery from surgery, I haven't gone back to this underlying issue. This morning three of my daily readings had anger as the topic. God has gently nudged me back to the ash pile so that I can remember that under the surface an ember still burns. I need to put it out.

Something happened  in the office Friday morning and the time back in August that emotionally acted as a time machine. Instantly I returned to prison. The prison of anger, but also the material prison of my past. Mentally and emotionally I felt exactly how I felt in similar situations during seven and a half years of incarceration. My fight or flight response was triggered. For years flight was not an option. That only left fight, and fight I did, even when I knew that the result would not be good. I knew I couldn't win, but I would go down fighting rather than surrender. This is not a good attitude to slip into for someone who has learned that surrender is the key to victory.

Friday morning I  felt this huge weight press against my chest and breathing became difficult. Tears fell slowly. At the time I couldn't figure out why. This morning as I responded to the nudge to deal with this anger before it flares back to fire I realized what triggered my tears. At one point while we worked through what was happening together Leah said, "I'm sorry that you felt like you were being treated like a number rather than a human being." Somewhere in this observant statement and the emotions birthed from  it  is the key.

Obviously there are still resentments from my prison years unreleased, hurts that have not healed and that I have not forgiven. Also there are very real fears that rise in me when I am devalued in certain ways. I  must release these things, forgive and allow God to heal my soul in these areas. But the ease in which this ember is blown into a flame is  proof that the coal burns hot and I can't put it out on my own. If I could, then I would have before now instead of putting out the flames and missing the embers beneath the ash. So I will do what I can this morning and schedule an appointment with my spiritual adviser to learn what I need to do to put out the fire completely.

My God is definitely big enough to handle any problem, even those that have festered under the worst conditions. Some have said I have PTSD because of my prison experience. But I know that God can heal even those kind of wounds. The main thing is that I need to get out of His way and let Him. I can't put off the needed maintenance and repairs. If I do, something will eventually break to the point where I can no longer travel the road of recovery. I have to make sure that this fire is extinguished before it burns me up and those I care about along with me.

I am grateful for the gauges that allow me to see what is wrong and what to do. But examination and seeing the problem is not enough. If I want to keep my spiritual car running and continue cruising the recovery road, I must fix and replace the damaged parts. Sometimes I can do this work under my own shade tree. Sometimes I need an experienced mechanic. This is one of those latter times. God grant me the serenity to accept the things outside myself that I cannot change, the courage to change the things inside myself that I can, the wisdom to know the difference, and the wisdom to know that when I change the things within myself that I can, that though I have to do the work, it's God that does the changing in me and sometimes I need outside help to know what work I need to do and how to get out of God's way.

Fear Not?

Tomorrow morning  I go to the hospital to get pre-op tests done. I am so grateful that I was able to honestly say that I am clean and that there is nothing that the anesthesiologist needs to know about to prevent adverse reactions. That is both a blessing and a miracle. What is as big a miracle is that as the moment approaches when I will allow one man to send me into a reversible (hopefully) drug-induced coma and another man make a cut in my throat before probing around by my pulmonary artery to get a biopsy of the lymph node against it, I do not feel a need or desire to escape my fear. It's a fairly routine procedure and rarely are there complications associated with it, so why am I feeling so scared. Am I being over dramatic?

I do feel foolish, But I don't believe that I am acting like a drama queen. An article in the New England Journal of Medicine actually defines general anesthesia as a "reversible drug-induced coma." The article goes on to  say, "Nevertheless, anesthesiologists refer to it as “sleep” to avoid disquieting patients." I  have known how closely related general anesthesia and coma are since my teen years, and I am disquieted. It's foolish and strange, but while I have doped and drunk myself into oblivion and near death on more than one occasion, have taken a handful of pills offered by someone only asking after they were down, "What was that?," and I have trusted chemical combinations in my body that God never intended to flow through human blood. But general anesthesia scares me.

There have been two types of time periods in my life when death has not frightened me. The first was during brief times of faith in God and assurance of His love for me. The other, and more frequent unfortunately, came during times of such deep despair and misery that escape from the  pain became all I longed for, even the ultimate escape of death. But coma, coma scared me senseless. The last thing that I ever wanted was to be immobile, trapped within my own mind. Trying to escape the prison of my own mentality is a big part of why I began drinking and drugging in the first place. I spent years trying to get out of my head. The idea of being trapped in there scares me more than I realized before it became clear that I need to have this mediastinoscopy. I realized this morning that this fear is the true reason behind years of insisting on having a do not resuscitate order. There are things that have always frightened me more than death, and this is one of them.

There are times when it becomes real to me that the fearless and thorough inventories I have done were completely thorough. Logically I always know this. There are things I don't remember. There are things that don't come to mind until some situation rises them from the mists of memory. This morning I tried to figure out why I felt such fear about the procedure I am having Monday. I realize that if it had come to mind during any of my inventories, this wold have been close to the top of my fears list.

So while I am grateful that the desire to escape, the urge to drink and or drug has not manifested, I don't like being afraid. I know that when I am afraid I have not accepted some aspect of God's will for my life or have taken back some part of my will and life from God's care. Either I am not accepting what He is doing in my life or I'm trying to run the show again.  Neither option is healthy for me spiritually or good for my recovery. If I stay afraid long enough, I will seek escape. Fear is a prison in which I refuse to be incarcerated in for long. I like horror movies and roller coasters, but I do not like to truly be afraid. I will seek to end the fear, escape it, or overcome it.

The big fears, the ones that mess with my mind and steal my serenity, I am incapable of gutting up, facing, and overcoming them on my own. I am powerless against them. But there is One who has all power - that One is God, and I need to find Him now because if I can not overcome by His power and His might, then the siren call of chemicals sings that she knows the way of escape.

Another thing that I have to be grateful for is that I have learned to deal with fear on the road to recovery. I spent the morning, after my usual prayer and meditation, doing a mini-inventory on my upcoming surgery because I grew more and more uneasy the moment I said let's do it to the doctor. I examined myself honestly and closely and discovered the fear that I wrote of earlier.

The word discovered seems wrong somehow. I have mentioned more than once over the past few days that I would feel better about the surgery if I could be awake during it, if they could use nerve blockers and locals rather than putting me under. Since I know the idea of feeling better to be awake during is crazy and also that I honestly meant it, the fear should have been obvious. I have admitted fear of going under, but I didn't realize how strong and deep that river cut through me, the power it has over my emotions and ability to rest and trust God.

I listed the evil and corroding thread that is tying me into knots. I asked myself why I have this fear. As much as it shames me to admit it, it is simply failure to trust God. It effects my security. There are areas where I still want to be self-reliant. Going under I can not pretend to be even a little bit in control. My life, more importantly my ability to wake up, is in God's hands and the anesthesiologist. Self-reliance not only fails me here, I must surrender it completely.

But I have learned there is a better way to live than being self-reliant. What I need most is to remember that I am now living on the basis of trusting in and relying on an infinite God. I am here to play the role that He assigns, and come Monday He has cast me in the role of patient who places all in His hands and the hands of a trained stranger who does not want to get sued for screwing up. I prayed and asked Him to remove my fear and direct my attention to what He would have me be.

Today that is a good husband. That is a son who is a blessing to his parents rather than a hardship. A friend who can understand the fears others are facing and can listen and help instead of focusing on his own situation at the expense of helping others. That is an alcoholic and addict who has recovered of a hopeless state of mind and body and has found a solution that doesn't involve oblivion and chemicals who can use a God-given talent for expressing things in writing to share his weakness, experience, strength and hope. Today I am called to be a man who can release self-reliance and trust in God and perhaps help inspire others to do the same.

Just like in every area of my life, when I deal with fear I am sure to fail if I try to be God. I will succeed only if I trust God. How am I trying to be God? Because I want to know and control the future outcome.  But the power to know and control the future is something God has, not I.

Yes, I am afraid of being in a coma. I am afraid that they'll put me in under and not be able reawaken me. But those are only surface ripples. Under them is the true fear that is causing the waves. The fear of uncertainty. I can not know exactly how this is going to go. What will happen. What they will find (a lesser but real fear as well). But God has proved to me that He is with me and for me. He wants me to trust Him, and I need to do that.

More than 100 times in the Bible God commanded people "Don't be afraid." All through the scriptures as people faced crisis God's first response was to encourage them to fear not. But God is a loving Father, and He will never ask of me anything  that He will not provide the power to accomplish. I don't need to muster up faith within myself and from my belief. I must surrender even more to His care and allow Him to do the work.

After praying and thinking about this fear in particular and fear in general this morning, I have come to the simple conclusion that I would rather have God know and control my future than me. I make a lot of mistakes, some of them horrible ones. God doesn't. He doesn't make mistakes at all.  Even when I know what to expect or what should or will happen I sometimes make the wrong move, decision or choice. God never does. I don't have the power to truly control myself, much less others and situations outside myself. But God has all the power in the universe that He created.

Still, I sometimes have trouble trusting Him. It's one of my character defects that proves only that I am a human being. It's human nature to want to be in control, to want to be lord of my life. On one hand I have my stubborn will saying fight for your own life, do it your way, never surrender. On the other I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to my soul and saying, "Take courage. It is I. Do not be afraid."

The first argument has never led to anything good in my life. The second idea, that I should recognize Christ in my life and trust Him has never failed me when I submitted to it.  I may be powerless, but I do have a choice. I can let fear dance me around like a puppet, or I can cast my cares on Him who cares for me. My security is in Him, not in myself. My past failures and present victories through Him over alcohol and drugs and other areas have proved that.

When I'm trying to obey that command to fear not, when I need to rip the thread of fear from the fabric of my life, willpower alone just doesn't cut it. I can try to squelch our fearful thoughts, but they just keep popping up, like a ball held under water. Two things are necessary.

First, I have to acknowledge that fear is too strong for me, so only God can handle it. I have to turn my fears over to Him, remembering that He is all-power, all-knowing, and always in control. Second, I have to replace a bad habit—fear thoughts—with a good habit, namely prayer and confidence in God. I may be able to switch thoughts with lightning speed, but I can't think of two things at once. If I'm praying and thanking God for His help, I can't be thinking about fear at the same time.

I felt near-panic yesterday morning. The fear came and went throughout the day, but when it came it grew. This morning it felt like a weight against my chest. The Big Book promises that as we realize our need to rely on Him and pray, our fear will immediately begin to decrease. I can not say that I am not in the least afraid of going under now, but I can say that I am much less afraid and have more peace about the procedure than I had before I did my inventory and things have improved even more as I wrote this. I may have this fear rise back up before Monday, but I can recognize it now for what it is and know what to do about it.

Fear is a lifelong battle, but God is our lifelong Protector. He promised to never abandon or forsake us. When we are secure in His love, nothing can snatch us from Him, not even death. By holding tightly to God, no matter what, we can make it through, without any or in spite of our fear. May the peace that passes all understanding keep your heart and mind through Christ Jesus, and may you walk the recovery road in serenity.

HALT ~ You're Killing Me

I vividly remember the first time someone told me to watch out for HALT. A woman came up to me after a meeting in which I had spent the time with muscles clinched and hands shaking and said, in true care and concern for my state and well being, that I needed to know and watch out for HALT. She explained that it meant hungry, angry, lonely and tired and that any one of these feelings was dangerous, especially during early sobriety. But if I felt more than one of these at the same time I needed to call someone and or make a meeting right away because I was in serious danger of relapse. At the very least I needed to address the symptoms described and eat, forgive, hang out with another alcoholic and or rest, depending on what I was feeling.

I have a lot of respect for this woman. Few in the program of recovery showed such genuine concern for me and my sobriety early on. She is the one who put the solution in my hands, and I am eternally grateful to her for that. But I can remember her giving me the HALT spill and my thinking, "Lady, you've got to be kidding me. I just got out of prison! I'm always angry. I haven't slept through the night without chemical help in longer than I can remember, and don't get me started on how lonely I feel. If HALT is the solution to my staying sober, I'm doomed. I might as well go get drunk now and get it over with. At least that way my hands will stop shaking."

Thankfully I didn't just go get it over with by getting drunk. I talked to my sponsor a few minutes later and told him that I might as well move into the recovery hall because according to HALT I would always be in immediate danger of relapse. He laughed and told me that if I didn't know that I was in a constant state of near relapse I was deluding myself. I understood what he meant, and he was right. I was white-knuckling  it, bringing every ounce of will power to bear to keep from drinking one minute at a time.I also  knew that, fight as I might, my will power would fail. The only question was how long would I hold out before the inevitable folding of the cards. I needed something that took away my need to drink, my craving for escape.

I stuffed  myself on pizza, but  that didn't help. I found someone to fight the loneliness with, but that didn't work either. The relationships I had when I first came in the program of recovery weren't right, and most times as I smoked my afterglow cigarette I felt more lonely than I had before the hook up. I still didn't have a clue as to how  to breathe without being angry, and I couldn't sleep. I was always tired. And I still wanted to drink and drug. Several relapses and my inability to make it to the one month mark proved to me that all my will power and fight and fear of prison couldn't keep me sober, and my first instinct when I heard HALT remained true. There was no solution there.

I'm sure I have already begun stomping on some toes of my fellows, so let me say for the record that there is obviously some truth in the HALT idea. This slogan comes from therapy and rehab settings where we watch for triggers. Stay away from the things that trigger me to use, and I can stay clean and sober. And for some people this may help, especially early on. I am the first to agree that if I am newly dry and still shaking and sweating it out, sitting in a bar or in a drug den so that I can talk to my buddies is probably a stupid idea. That said, the trigger idea of recovery comes from psychologists who are not alcoholics or addicts and don't really understand us. Unfortunately it has been preached to such an extent that now alcoholics and addicts are parroting the message as though it's part of the solution. Stay away from triggers. Identify and watch out for your triggers.

But the truth is that for the real alcoholic and addict the idea behind triggers is bogus, bogus, bogus. And HALT is just a grouping of triggers common to everyone at some point and time. It is totally run on self will. I must be vigilant about my feelings and situations. If I don't put myself in dangerous places or allow myself to feel dangerous feelings I can keep myself sober. But what does the Big Book say?

 The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure,

have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will

power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at

certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient

force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a

week or a month ago. We are without defense against the

first drink.

~AA Big Book: Page 24

 Once more: the alcoholic at certain times has no

effective mental defense against the first drink. Except

 in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human

being can provide such a defense. His defense

must come from a Higher Power.

~AA Big Book Page 43

At the heart of things, this is a Step One issue. Step one says that I have come to believe that I am powerless over alcohol (and or drugs depending on the program of recovery) and that my life has become unmanageable.  So is this or is this not true for me? Can I control whether or not I drink or use again or do I need God to do that for me? If I am powerless then there will come a time when will power, triggers or lack of them, hungry or full, angry or happy, lonely or not, tired or rested, job or no job, wife or no wife. when good or bad my circumstances won't matter and I will pick up. There is nothing I can do to stop it. It's not a matter of if but when. Moreover, there's nothing a sponsor, an old timer, a family member, a preacher, a cop, judge or boss can do to stop it. It will happen, unless God Himself provides the power that I do not have on my own. And isn't managing my triggers just another way of me trying to manage my life, which I just admitted was unmanageable by me?

Left on my own without relationship with God, I will sooner or later default to the self-centered, selfish, hedonistic, escapist that I always was, and that man is a serious user, both of chemicals and people. There is truth in HALT, but not solution. It is true that when I am hungry, angry, lonely and or tired I am more irritable, among other things. I snap at people more. I have and show less love and tolerance. Why? Because I am focused on me and how I feel. The Big Book says I must be rid of self or else I die. Christ said that he who gives up his life will find life. In order to live and have a life worth living I must die to self.  Surrender to win. Die to live. These are spiritual truths.

The idea of HALT keeps me in self. How do I feel? Emotionally what is my status? Oops, I'm in a state of one or more of the following: hungry, angry, lonely, tired. What can I do for myself to make myself feel these less? Self. Self. I am feeling this. I can do this to fix it. My power. My will. My vigilance. And sooner or later my drunkenness.

The solution is not to be on guard against feelings and situations but rather to get away from selfishness and self-centeredness, to find relationship with the One who has all power, to tap into that power by turning my life and will over to Him, to make myself  of maximum service to Him and my fellow human beings. Serve God, clean house, help others. Do what He wants, for others.

The truth is that sometimes I am hungry and sometimes I am not. If I am spiritually fit being hungry makes me want to eat not drink or drug. If I am not spiritually fit nothing tops of a good meal like a drink. I could not will away my anger any more than I could will away my desire to drink and drug. I worked the steps, and after my fifth step I found that I had forgiven and released much of my anger without even realizing it. But I still have anger from time to time. The way I have to deal with that is spiritual. I have to get closer to God. I have to let Him have my anger and resentments. But I learn to do both of those through the steps. Someone who has not worked the steps and or had a spiritual awakening can not control his anger any more than his drinking. Similarly, the solution to loneliness is found in communion with the Creator. Relationship with God is the only true and lasting cure for loneliness. And God is also our rest.

Simply put, the answer to the HALT dilemma is God. The way to find relationship with God is to acknowledge my need for Him, surrender to Him, admit my part in what has kept me from Him, confess. ask Him to make the changes in me that will remove the distance between Him and me and enable me to serve, make amends to those I have harmed and continue in all these things, seeking to improve the relationship that I found through prayer and meditation, serving others and sharing the spiritual solution to all our problems. Without doing these things, triggers don't matter. I'll make new ones. Without working the steps, HALTed or not I will use eventually. But if I thoroughly follow the path of recovery it won't matter if I get hungry, I will learn to quickly release anger to God, I will find the solution to loneliness in relationship with Him who made me, and I will find rest in the serenity that comes from that relationship.

When the newcomer stands shaking before us, we don't need to tell him to beware of feeling HALT. We need to point him to the permanent solution to all of these. Let's HALT the newcomer by helping, accepting, loving and tolerating them enough to  give them solution that doesn't have anything to do with them and everything to do with the One who has all power. After all, that is how it works.